moving on - a short personal essay
Revisiting tumblr just for having a platform that allows more characters than twitter so here we go!
2 months ago (today - 27th July 2021) not for the first time I moved to a new home. And not for the first time it had been my own 4 walls now.
From late 2017 till May 2021 I used to live in a shared apartment along with 2 other girls. I personally closed the acta of these persons and deleted them from my life. So I have no words left wasting for them.
The phrase “To delete” certain things outside of the internet-world is actually my key message already. With my move I closed many doors even, tho, if I wanted to or I had to for peace of my mind. I broke up with the chapter of my old life constantly living in compromising and holding back what’s important for me. I am not afraid of telling the harsh truth and my honest thoughts, because - let’s be honest - I’m not into sweet talk hoping my fellows understand a problem that way.
For Example: One chapter that got hashly interrupted was the friendship between my former neighbor. The reason I could’t move on as there was nothing is because he knew combining the room mates situation, COVID-19, fear or keeping the job etc. caused a lot of pressure and stress for me. He constantly gave me the reason being a second-class friend without realizing. Even after we’ve spoken about that he didn’t get it. The very last situation we were into, he offered me helping out for my move. So I told him if he can spare a little of his time just for carrying my possessions into the truck I’m good.
Saturday, the 1st of May came and there was no single sign of him until... He sended me a picture. It was a selfie of him standing in front of my truck accompanied by the words “Oh so sad you’re moving away”. There was never the intention of actually helping me because he was going to meet his more-prefered-friends and he actually switched my words by saying “You never asked me to help you” even, tho, he offered it to me.
Actually the fact that I explain this anecdote that detailed shows I’m still lying to myself: I haven’t ended this chapter yet. I, again, pretend to not care.
So I asked myself why am I that deeply connected to people I know it’s not worth it? My parents told me it really isn’t worth it and it shouldn’t affect my emotions that hard.
I’ve been talking to my Mother, who has been diagnosed with burn out and depression back in 2018 and she guided in herself into psychiaric supervision. She has a lot of things to let go herself. I somehow got the feeling of looking in a mirror. So we’ve been talking to one of the specialists she knew from that establishment.
They were telling me there is a chance of a deep sitting depression based in our genetics since we show certain similarities. The thing is I stopped that right there. Yes, maybe I should keep talking to psychologists but I’m avoiding talking about such things. I think, by starting a new life, like I did in my new apartment, helps to improve.
What else I am doing? I was told it helps keeping the mind busy. I almost every day go to the gym so I can listen to upbeat songs and almost every night I take quiet walks because the next other thing I’d do is laying fetal positioned in my bed crying. So instead I go home exhausted, go to sleep, wake up for work and repeat. Also living my creative mind as much as I can by creating the things I like... Not only sketches or photos. But, well, even writing things down. Still I’d say every other week I have episodes of feeling myself so heavy I can barely move. I try to balance these things like rain and sun and I jut deal with this as it belongs to me.
The Moral: Since Covid started I’ve been through a roller coaster of joy and the absolute opposite. I can build stress and pressure caused by persons I cannot stand. So for a while I’m not afraid anymore of blocking people out of my life. And seriously it feels so much better not able seeing people giving me bad vibes and even more pressure on instagram or facebook (however I’m not actively using facebook, so that’s the most healthy way). And I’ve learned how to do the same with people around me and I keep working on it.
My very last words are you, yes You! Just keep up with the favourite things you like to do. Either it’s collecting toys or creating artworks or whatever. Things you enjoy doing makes live enjoying much easily either.
For now I have nothing more to say. xxR
snowghoul
turnnoffyourmind
romaincrisis
