somi @lonely43clouds - Tumblr Blog

after all these years... I still cry myself to sleep about the same old things since I was a kid

#crying #low self esteem #self hate #unlovable #crying myself to sleep #too fat #weight issues #sad thoughts

Its been years since I've written something here or there, it's been years since I let myself feel free and open to someone's care, its been incredibly difficult accepting I may never be in love.

I never cared for romantic love as long as I had my friends, but the older I grow, I realize as the days go by that my mom is right, I'll need someone, eventually. I'll need someone to grow with, to build something with, to be around while I'm miles away from the rest of the only people who truly love me. Someone who cares for me when I'm rational, when I'm losing my marbles, when I'm feeling humorous and when I'm happy.

But I'm scared, as I've always been. Cause in all these years I've never found an ounce of proof of whether I'm lovable or not. I've never been someone's interest or focus, I've never felt the way my friends describe when they meet someone they connect with. I've never been close to being in love, and I'm scared if it didn't happen by now, it wont happen anymore.

But I'm not scared for me, I'm scared for the looks. For the questions. For having to say that it wasn't by choice, but because I've never been special enough. Because I've never been picked or dabbled with either.

I love the idea of love, I just don't think it loves me.

#never been in love #never been in a relationship #feelings #life #love #life in your 20s

sugarrdiva

WHY AM I SO WEIRD WHY AM I SO WEIRD WHY AM I SO WEIRD

creatingnikki

You've had your Before Sunrise moments. You've had your rooftop moments. You've had your wine nights. And your spontaneous 3 am drives. You've had your on-a-Wednesday-in-a-cafe-I-watched-it-begin-again moments too. Your "oh wow, the moon is gorgeous" "yes, so gorgeous" as he looks at you moments. And your coming back to your apartment at 7 am, rushing to get dressed for work, using your very expensive concealer to hide the love from the night before moments. You have had the rush, the adrenaline, the butterflies, the recklessness of the 20s romance. You've had the flings, the situationships, the drama, the confusion, the throwing your phone across the wall moments. But you know what you have not had? You have not had a stable, healthy, long-term relationship.

A boyfriend, a partner who you celebrate your one-month, one-year, five-year anniversaries with. Who drives you back home after every date and sometimes comes up home to have chai with your mom. Who sends you waffles to your workplace. Who shows up at midnight with Chinese takeout and the hug you need. Who wakes you up on Sunday afternoons with one too many kisses all over your face and the spicy bun omelette you like. You have not had that - the consistency, the comfort, the commitment. So, this. THIS is what you now seek.

And for that, you have to ignore those 2 am texts you get from that random boy asking you what's your scene like tomorrow. And for that, you have to learn how to draw the boundary with men so that they remain friends and cannot cross into the grey land of more. And for that, you have to ignore texts from those from your past who weren't capable of communication to convert what you had into something that resembles healthy checking in and consideration but rather are reaching out because they are lonely and want to shoot their shot with you yet again. Okay? OKAY.

sk-lumen

You’re not even attached to the person or situation, you’re attached to how the desired situation will make you feel. You're attached to a specific way of obtaining your happiness. Know the difference.