You really don't know how bad you've been doing until you experience happiness for the first time in what seems a whole eternity. At first, you don't even think about it, as if any unnecessary thoughts are somehow gonna cause it to disappear. You just ride the wave carelessly, laughing uncontrollably and acting your age, slowly feeling like you're making some progress; you're getting better.
But like all waves, this one too passes and as it quiets down, it sets you gently ashore, almost apologetically, for the harm it may have caused. You give it a questioning look, not quite understanding why it's not pulling you back to the ocean. It just leaves you alone.
Alone and confused, like a lost child, unable to figure out where the body of water that had been surrounding you suddenly disappeared. It is then that you realize you're not at the beach surfing anymore, you're at home, laying in bed, grasping your phone and desperately waiting for a text, a call.
Yet all you're left with is time on your hands and an abundance of thoughts. So you make do with what you have and it becomes as clear as a day how much it all hurt before, how bitter everything tastes after you've had some sweetness.
Like an itch that has been scratched, you're finally aware of the weight of all the silent things you've carried with you for so long.
Staying busy is the only way you've learned to deal with them so you try to fill up your schedule to keep yourself focused, but there are still days when you wish for a relaxing trip to the beach.
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