bc im fuckin’ dead and these two angels are ruining me
He didn’t plan on kissing her.
She’s standing over him, gently tracing the iratze into his skin. He can feel the pain in his abdomen already fading, turning instead to a dull ache. His body relaxes, but when her voice breaks as she talks about how close he came to dying, some of the tension returns.
“People die in war, Clary,” he says, but even as he speaks the words, he knows that maybe they weren’t the best. He just doesn’t want her to worry about him.
“My mom, and Dot.” Her voice is shaking and his hand twitches, wanting to reach out and touch her, hold her, anything to make it stop. “I can’t lose you, too.”
His heart twists so hard that it hurts, a brand new pain almost worse than the feeling of a sword piercing his stomach. He knows the feeling, knows the splitting terror that he feels every time she’s even in remote danger.
“You’re not the only person afraid of losing someone,” he whispers, hoping she understands.
When he looks at her, she looks so afraid, so worried. Even so, there’s a set determination in her eyes, a fire that he doesn’t think he’s seen before. “I am tired of being afraid.”
Her hand is still on his shoulder, even though the stele hasn’t touched his skin for a while now, and he can feel her concern for him, feel it just as well as he can feel his for her.
He knows he was right– war brings death. It’s part of the risk. It was something he accepted from a a young age, something that he knew would be a part of his life. Dying in battle was always a possibility, and he knows that.
But watching her now, her eyes wet with tears because he almost died– he’s never wanted to live more.
So he sits up until their faces are only inches apart, and he pauses before his hand touches her face. It’s only the slightest hesitation, but he wants to give her the space to pull away if she wants to.
So, he threads his fingers into the hair at her neck and captures her lips with his. Heat sparks in his chest, warm and bright and everything he’s wanted but he thought he couldn’t have.
It’s all he can do to hold her, hold onto to every second that she kisses him back, every moment that her hand runs over his chest, every instant that he spends breathing her in.
He didn’t plan on kissing her.
(But he’s glad that he did.)