I've been taking a huge break from social media, well actually this is a lie within itself... I have been scrolling like mad looking for validation from a society I clearly do not fit into.
I have no friends, well I have one friend who uses me an escape, an old friend who wants to date me and someone I have an old connection to and have seen once in the last seven years... so in todays terms.... 'no friends'.
I used to think is it me, is there something wrong with me? I have felt like this since I was singled out as a child because I had been through more trauma as a six year old then most of my class would in a life time... and I now know as an adult that kids act like this towards things they cannot understand and forgiving and forgetting is the way forward or else you just become bitter - that bit was not hard and the saying 'time heals' fits in well here.
Now I realise that looking back on my childhood all the friends I did have moved away, moved country or something similar and it became a joke between my mum and me when I was a lot older that I had the worst luck with friends... so I guess that on top of going to the school from hell was enough to make me realise 'friendship' was not on my top priority list.
Now that I am much older, I've been through a lot more, lost friends and family and had my heartbroken I now understand how I have come to be this way.... and since lockdown and loosing some of the closest people to my heart (at the time) I became my own best friend, learned to have fun and enjoy my own company and now I think why would I want it anyway.
I am flunking through school for the second time, falling behind on online work and not getting the grades I want, I had a huge manic episode and spent to much money and now I have to get an emergency job and fix the problem I have given myself in that episode.
So I decided tonight as I laid in bed that enough is enough, no more over eating, you worked so hard to loose the weight and you are just over eating because of what??
Tomorrow I am getting up and doing some work and I am going to try and pull myself out of this slump.
- Looking-for-Alice












