best friends means friends forever.

just a girl looking for a little piece of mind. a sanctuary, if you will.

[lookingglasswars]

Virgo: Rare and Beautiful Times

Oh, Virgo. You have been getting cosmically rammed for the past few months, especially behind your heart’s closed doors in your personal life, which you keep very private. I’ve never been more thrilled to disclose how envious all 11 of the other signs should be of the rare and beautiful position you find yourself in this month. Virgo - along with the other earth signs (Capricorn and Taurus) - are smack-dab in the middle of a Grand Trine; a perfect triangle between three planets, all ruled by the same element. Our current trine is, quite literally, in your element - earth - which is characterized as grounded, stable, and practical. Consider this powerful aspect an anchor in the madness you’ve recently raged through.

Focus your intentions on a new endeavor that will nurture your spiritual core - you’ll be backed by foundational Taurus New Moon illuminating your 9th House of Philosophical Thought on May 6. Choose well, for this is no vanity project: What you begin to feed your energy into now could take root and grow into a vital, long-term project that feeds you - literally and figuratively - for a lifetime.

  Meanwhile, the Sun and Venus couple up to tag team Jupiter and Pluto, both stationed in perfect match Capricorn. For the entire month of May, you can watch your love life, creativity, spirituality, and sense of adventure blossom into a rare and beautiful flower. Enjoy these times.

[lookingglasswars]

it’s really true how the people who you love the most are the same ones that hurt you the most.

I’m still trying to wrap my head around the shitshow that I got sucked into. I’m still trying to figure out why he would throw away 4.5 years. I don’t understand why he’s so indifferent toward me, and why he’s acting like the whole situation hurts him the most. 

But the thing is, he was the one who deliberately ignored me when I was with him in person, just to text her. He was the one who chose to keep telling me that he loved me, and that he loves us, when he was inviting her into his bed. He acts like all of this just happened, and that he’s just as surprised as me. But it was a series of choices that he made that repeatedly put my heart through a blender. He kept hurting me and pulling me back in. 

I almost can’t believe that I held on for a month and a half after she came into his life. I want to dislike her, but how can I? She had no idea that I even existed, even though he said that I’m the person that has made the biggest impact on his life so far. 

The way he told me everything about her was like torture. I still think about how she has a 6 or 7 year-old kid walking around somewhere, and how their birthdate in Roman numerals is tattooed somewhere on her body. (He tried to compare it to my “endeavor” tattoo...bitch, please.) I keep thinking about how he was watching PowerPuff Girls before they slept together for the first time, in the bed that was also mine for the last two years. I keep thinking about how her goal in life is to franchise a Starbucks (lol that’s one reason to dislike her: her lack of respect for good coffee, that’s actually fair trade certified).

As much as it hurts, and as shitty of a situation I was put in because of his actions, I’m trying to think of it as a blessing in disguise. I spent so much time trying to build his confidence, trying to help him with his career, and supporting him overall. I forgot about myself. I lost myself. The way he “hid” me by not introducing me to people or not inviting me to things with him made me start hiding myself. 

When I asked him why he chose her over me, he said, “I don’t know, I think you can handle [being hurt] more than her.” I don’t know what he was trying to say about Erika, but I think this was his shitty way of saying that I’m resilient because I’ve been able to combat all the shit life has thrown at me since day one of my life, and I’ve always come out stronger. 

I still care about him, but I also recognize him for the spineless, immature boy that he is at the moment. He doesn’t know how to love anyone because he doesn’t love himself. He’s too busy trying to be the “hero” that rescues the damsel in emotional distress, and even he says that he doesn’t think it’ll end well with her. 

Well, that’s the way she goes.

xoxo

[c-c-c-controversial]

St. Patty's Day

03.17.2004 A naive young girl breaks the heart of her first boyfriend and triumphantly throws a ring at him.

03.17.2015 A young woman realizes that she hasn’t found her soul mate yet, 3 and ½ years after she was swept off of her feet.

[lookingglasswars]

03.17.2016 

A heartbroken girl continues to hold on to the guy who say he loves her, even if she no longer has him in the way she wants. 

[lookingglasswars]

I’ve been spending so much time lately feeling sad or anxious, or shoving thoughts that will make me sad or anxious to the back of my mind instead of processing them. I had a moment of realization the other day that it’s been nearly a year since the tables were turned at this agency. Almost a year ago, I finally saw Orange Drink’s true self and was counting down the days until my AmeriCorps year was over and I would return home to the Bay Area. The fact that I’m still away from my family and friends just hit me so hard. It was only supposed to be a one-year stint. Before that, I was only supposed to be away from Hayward for 4 years while I was at UCSD. I never planned to be away from my “home home” for so long.

G-lady’s letter made me realize that the last time we got to spend a lot of time together was summer of ’09. That was 6 years ago. The fact that she brought it up and started to doubt whether I’d ever move back to the Bay immediately made my mind wander to the dangerous question of, “How long can we physically be apart before our friendship falls apart as well?” I stopped myself from going further down that road, but it just came flooding back.

I know that 6 years isn’t that long of a time, compared to the amount of time it takes the light from the stars to reach our human eyes under the night sky. But these last 6 years have been so tumultuous, so tremendous in shaping the person that I am today, so crucial for building the relationships that I have especially with myself.

It make me sad that no matter where I am, I will always feel like I’m choosing between various people who care about me and people whom I care about. No matter where I am, I will always be missing people that I love, whether they are in the Bay Area, Hong Kong or SoCal. I will never be able to have the people that I care about in one place. I will always have to choose.

And it’s not just sadness that I feel. It’s also guilt. Every time mom tells me she doesn’t feel like she has two daughters because she never sees me. Every time G-lady asks me when I’m coming back to her, to the Bay. Every time I worry out loud to Jonathan about the future and remind the both of us how difficult it is to keep a long-distance relationship of any shape or form.

I will never be 100% happy, and I think I can accept that now, unlike the past me who thought that finding happiness was the most important thing in life. At the moment, the most important things to me are the ability to believe in the good of humankind, and nurturing the relationships I have with myself and the people I care about.

It’s time for me to stop being sad about things that I cannot change, and to stop feeling guilty about things that aren’t entirely in my control. Every day, I’m still learning how not to be so hard on myself. It’s time to start taking steps to help me get out of this funk that has been hanging over my head since July. It’s time for me to make time for things that make me feel whole, re-energized, healthy and happy.

[lookingglasswars]

White peaches are my absolute favorite fruit ever.

And then it's mangoes. Then mangosteen.

[c-c-c-controversial]

St. Patty's Day

03.17.2004 A naive young girl breaks the heart of her first boyfriend and triumphantly throws a ring at him.

03.17.2015 A young woman realizes that she hasn’t found her soul mate yet, 3 and 1/2 years after she was swept off of her feet.

[lookingglasswars]

Day 2

1. morning routine (7 min)

2. POP Pilates for Beginners: Ab Time! (13 min)

3. ABC Abs! | POP Pilates (11 min)

4. Roar Challenge for Abs & Inner Thighs | POP Pilates (2 min)

5. What Makes You Bootyful Butt Challenge (4 min)

Total: 37 min

Notes: 

* stopped Roar workout in the middle because my legs were cramping

* body is sore from yesterday

[lookingglasswars]

Day 1

1. POP Pilates for Beginners - Total Body Workout (26 min)

2. Hard Core Workout | POP Pilates Beach Series (10 min)

3. POP Pilates: Muffintop Massacre (16 min)

4. POP CARDIO: Summer Sweatfest (13 min)

Total: 65 min

Notes:

* left should cramps...need to keep shoulders relaxed from now on

* hamstrings were hard. not as flexible as before...gotta work on that!

[lookingglasswars]

Day 1/Night 1

I can’t believe I cried that much over the phone…

I thought I was holding up pretty well. I teared up a little when I told my sister. Just a little. But maybe I was just all cried out from the phone call. I used up 11 tissues during that call. That means something, right? 

I was avoiding taking a shower, but i gave in around 4am. I felt gross. I was just sitting in the couch or sleeping on the couch the whole day. And then out of the blue, instant thinking about the little things I’m going to miss. Not even concrete ideas of what’s going to be different in the future. Just a blurred cloud of thoughts of how empty my life would be.  And the crying starts again. Just a little.  It’s been a while since I’ve cried in the shower. With the radio on, the salt water mixes with the tap water and nothing has happened.  If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

When I finally get into bed, I think about how we don’t have a lot of photos together. I decided to look through pictures on my phone. Some photos of him make me smile. A lot of the photos we have are of food; even food reminds me of memories with him. I never realized I took so many pictures of him while he was sleeping. I smile. My favorite is of him when I drew a puppy nose on him with a blue pen. Looking through photos from my old phone, I realized that the first and only picture I have of him on my old phone was taken 366 days after we first met. I look so short next to him.

I finish looking through the pictures and i feel content. I put my phone away and prepare to sleep. It’s 530am.

Suddenly, an overwhelming feeling of sadness comes over me and it makes me start crying hard. The silent crying where your chest moves up and down as you’re trying to gasp for air.

Everything reminds me of him now. Why did I look at the photos? I cover my eyes with my hand. I blink. My eyelashes brushing against my hand suddenly remind me of his butterfly kisses from the beginning of our relationship and the tears start up again.

I wonder how he’s doing. Am I just taking this extra hard? I knew breakups aren’t easy. But I never thought they would be this hard. A small part of me wonders if I’ve made a mistake. My brain reminds me to learn from past mistakes.

It’s now 6am. I hope tomorrow will be better.

[lookingglasswars]

there's been so many unexpected people coming back into my life lately. and the one person i was waiting on is finally coming through.

[lookingglasswars]

i had this realization today.

that you don't mean as much as you used to mean to me. 

but also that i've gotten used to having you in my life. 

and that if i want this to work, i need to work a little harder as well.

so now the question(s) remain(s): 

do i really want this to work out?

where do i see us 2 years from now?

does having you in my life really make me happier overall? (as opposed to happy, sometimes.)

how much of everything was really just lust, not love?

i've been refraining from writing on here. i remember it was once a place where i was so happy that i'd met you, and truly thought that i'd never have to fall for anyone else ever again. i'm scared that this will also be the place where i document how all great things must come to an end. 

[lookingglasswars]

nostalgia.

re-watching a video from high school of us, "the three best friends that anyone could have" makes me feel so nostalgic. 

now, almost four years after our high school graduation, so much have changed. 

i still feel like things are exactly the way they used to be sometimes. i honestly still think i can think of these two and myself the same way i felt when we walked out of the theater together after having watched the hangover. but then other times, the reality that we have all changed and we have all drifted apart in some way hits. 

[lookingglasswars]

I hate lame conversations with my boyfriend. It's like ok I've been waiting to talk to you all day and I'm staying up to talk to you but then you don't say anything. Seriously, what the heck is up with that?

[lookingglasswars]

distance.

i realized the other day that i don't do well with distance. distance from my "other half, my significant "other", my lover, my cutie pie. 

when we first became a couple, i would be alright if i only saw him once a month. now, it's hard when i don't get to see him for a week. it's not even like the distance from los angeles to san diego is that significant; an hour and a half of being on a train or driving.

this "distance", this not being able to turn around and just talk to him, doesn't seem to affect him that much. i don't know how he does it. he's just always there; always happy to talk/listen to me. for me, talking to him over the phone is nothing like talking to him in person. it feels like something is missing.

i used to think long distance relationships would work as long as both counterparts worked really hard for it and fought for it. now i'm not so sure i'd be able to do that.

if i don't find a job in the l.a. area after commencement in june and end up back in the bay area, i don't think we would make it. i can see us trying for a while. it might even last a few months. but i don't think i could handle the distance.

for couples who can deal with this, and have the mindset that "distance doesn't phase us", i am so envious of you.

[lookingglasswars]

i feel so absolutely sick to my stomach right now. 

[lookingglasswars]

newwww glasses! (=

[lookingglasswars]

there are some days when i feel lost

and then those other days where i feel even more lost than usual.