I told myself I wouldn't get caught up again.
Right now, I just feel like crying... Probably for many reasons but this thing just sets me off edge.
It got weird the last time I saw him. I lay in bed later that night/morning. And I thought. And thought. God. What a terrible idea that was. Okay not an idea but it just makes me more frustrated that I couldn't stop myself from thinking which has lead to how I am feeling at this point in time.
I always assumed (I mean, correct me if I am wrong and people don't get this general assumption) that love was, is meant to be something great, something unimaginable, something incomparable, something unexplainable and if you were actually able to find something of this kind, you'd be stupid to ever let it slip away and if you ever did, you'd always go back or find a way back to it. But that's probably seriously left for movies and G-rated and PG-rated fairy tales. Although at the rate my life has been going for the past couple of years, that probably should have happened.
The concept isn't my problem really.. Just a thought to ponder.
I lay in bed that night and I thought.
Why? Why do I have to feel like this? Why can't I let it go? He still loves me yet, this isn't how it's meant to be if it's really love. So why do I still believe it? Or have so much faith in it-- in him, still? Isn't he meant to know? Isn't he meant to fight for what he loves? Isn't that how it works? And it should. So why not? Is it me? What about me? What does he think of me? What do I mean to him?
I already knew the answers to all these questions. Except the last one. So, I asked him.
What do you mean by that? You're still my best friend.
That's not an answer I have a problem with. Frankly it makes me neither happy or sad. My problem with this answer relates back to when I tried to fight for him, probably a couple of centuries ago now. That was all I continued to say; you're still my best friend, you're still my best friend.. Etc. Until one day he said right back, that's how all this started. As in our relationship, our love. Something he was trying to let go.
I chose not to dwell on the subject matter.
I just knew that the reason I was questioning this and myself so much was because of how I felt. This sinking that I felt. This letting go. Again. And every, single, time, I try to fight it. Involuntarily. Because for some reason, this is the only thing that no matter how old it gets, it gets harder and harder the longer I hold onto, to let go. Because I don't want to let go.
I want him to turn around and tell me that he loves me with no hesitation. I want him to tell me that I'm beautiful just like he says about all these other girls. I want him to fight for me because he wishes he never gave up. I want this to be a fairy tale and as soon as I finish this post, I'll get a phone call being him telling me that he's outside my door and that he'll never leave.
But like in Easy A: "My life is not an 80s movie". And this is me being a child and explicitly naive, more than usual. I miss myself without him (as in before him not when I was with him). Seems impossible now. But I have gotten better. And I will never stop trying to be myself; to be better than what I've become. I just wish it wasn't so hard. But if it wasn't then I'd be dreaming.
The irony in all this is. Although I've already lost [him/it- whatever], I still wouldn't be able to ever say this to him, in the fear of "losing him". And also, everyone thinking that I'm psycho. Haha.
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