idk

venting to the void. I hope my words make you feel less alone if you relate. anon account but black, nonbinary, bisexual, polyam 21+ only interactions

[loomingseafog]

Seeing someone who is your type in public when you're out with your partner is so awkward. Like I can't do anything about it right now because it's just not the time. And then you can't convey you're non monogamous in anyway for them to read that so you're just stuck.

[loomingseafog]

Really upset at all the men who couldn't handle a basic conversation to discuss needs and expectations and making full decisions about the state of our relationship with one another alone, as if it didn't concern me to hear their input.

Moving with selfishness in mind is no way to approach any kind of relationship with anyone. And making me feel inconsiderate when you have stated you want to be selfish is nonsense. In the long run these people are not for me. But it didn't need to go the way it did if they would just listen. I think that's what I can't stand the most.

[loomingseafog]

I add the warnings that I cannot host or drive on my dating profiles because they are important to know when someone is considering interacting with you. I have a partner I live with and I live in the city without a license so don't match with me if you live 20m away because logistically that is a COMMITMENT.

A man messages me after I ACCIDENTALLY swiped right on him and we match (he swiped right first). Proceeds to send me a message saying something along the lines of; "You're fat, can't host or drive? Pick one."

Now I'm at a loss. What is the correlation? So because I am fat that means I have to have a space and car to be valuable to you (or anyone)? Did I ask for anyone else to have those things or say they were less than if they didn't?. No!

My point was, I cannot host so if you cannot either then what are we doing? Been there, done that on the getting a room. I don't want to make that expense nor put the burden on another person to do it. It is also just not cost effective for someone with my sex drive. But for some reason I am supposed to be offering something to atone for being fat? Just don't interact with me if you don't like fat people? Why go out of your way to disparage me? You're such a fucking loser. Thinking I am so beneath you, when you act like that is insane.

[loomingseafog]

Am I an anxious attachment style because I am simply anxious? Or have I experienced a recurring pattern with people, not just romantic or sexual relationships, who are avoidant? Am I anxious attachment or am I socialized as a girl and am used to sharing my deepest feelings with someone I met two hours ago?

I have no issue sharing my feelings. I have no issues diving deep into my emotions. Sharing that with anyone is not romantic behavior in my eyes. It is simply being human and having empathy. What is the difference between someone trying to paint a full picture of themselves and when someone is trauma dumping?

I express my needs and wants because how will anyone know if I do not? Instead people view this as me making demands. When in reality I am laying my cards on the table to have a discussion. I am attempting to share who I am so we can build a dynamic that works together instead of apart.

Making time for me is something I ask of anyone. That time doesn't need to be all day. But it needs to be something intentional and not just you adding up the brief interactions spaced out all day with no substance. If the conversations lack quality on top of quantity how am I weird for pointing that out?

We don't have to have deep world altering conversations but we can discuss future goals and plans. We can share things we'd be interested in trying together. We can simply show each other that we are committed to maintaining this connection. We build to having more freedom and less need for check in by showing we can do the work when needed.

But instead people want to love bomb then shut down. I'm tireddddddddddddddddddd

[loomingseafog]

BDSM, specifically the D/S scenario, is something that people, primarily Dominant men seem to not understand. Establishing connection and communication is not optional. A foundation of trust is imperative and when you tell someone who you want to sub for you that you are "dangerous" and "selfish" you sound absolutely unsafe.

Oh! - The thrills of giving orders! The thrill of telling someone what to do and having them do it! Oh how fun it is to control everything! Sure you've picked out a safe word but have you laid a foundation of expectations on BOTH sides? have you demonstrated that your sub is safe to be vulnerable with you?

Your sub asking for communication and connection is not them asking for you to be their boyfriend. You are being trusted with their body. You are being trusted with their mind in many ways. Making sure you take time to continue to establish that dynamic especially at the beginning is incredibly important.

As a Dom, if you're too busy and all of your interactions with your sub become drive bys. Quick one liners as you dismiss their pleads for connection as them being needy and full of their own trauma. Then you cannot be surprised when they withhold their obedience.

This connection is not done for romantic purpose. It is to make sure the dom/sub dynamic doesn't become abusive and lopsided. I don't want you to make time for me as a sub because I am in love with you and want all your time. I want you to make time for me so I know that my time and needs matter. If your personal life is affecting your ability to show up asking for grace is fine. But expecting the dom/sub dynamic to continue with you being elusive, is unfair.

You claim your sub is overstepping boundaries but you refuse to acknowledge theirs. You refuse to see how elusive, avoidant behavior is a red flag (untrustworthy) behavior. You're giving what you can give and are assuming that it's enough and should be accepted because you're "going through it" you're allowed to go through it you're just not allowed to be dismissive and expect your sub to stick to the script.

[loomingseafog]

Dating as a non-binary, fat black alternative afab person has been the most draining experience. The addition of being non monogamous makes it even worse.

I have actively been attempting to date an additional person for nearly three years now. The nonchalant behavior of men in general is already tough to navigate. Men are so upset at the high expectations that women have of them, be a provider, cover financials, have a car, have their own place that they just offer nothing to start so everything else feels like gift. Also, so that when you do inevitably have expectations just from a personal, person to person, standpoint they can say some variation of, "well it was never that serious for me."

When you're fat you cannot have any expectations because the sheer fact that someone is talking to you is supposed to be enough. The moment you give back talk or stand up for yourself, or be difficult in anyway you're exposable.

I don't dress high femme. So despite only seeing me as a woman because to most gender is binary, they also do not see me as one given that I am fat. Which is different than the normal way women are seen as objects. There's like a disgust of me they are trying to keep down just to have access to a body for sex. Foreplay? Aftercare? Who cares about that! Kissing? NO!

Even if someone finds me attractive genuinely, the ego that I might reject them despite not being fat perhaps offends them. They'll show these horrible character flaws of hating women or being judgemental of other women and think I'll over look it because I am "different than other women" as if it is out of a hatred for women. When I simply hate all the expectations men and other women have simply because I was born a "girl."

I'm not your mother, I'm not your caregiver. I don't actually expect men to pay all of my bills or have a car or their own place. This world is TOUGH! I don't even have all of those things! But because I am a woman they believe they know what I want. I want a team player. A supportive non judgemental person who loves as much as they want to be loved. Someone who isn't a pessimist and isn't a love bombing optimist. Vibe with me because you like who I am, not JUST about what I could do for you.

Being non monogamous people just automatically think the friend zone is the only place I want to be. That being non monogamous is only about wanting sex and nothing more. I simply have a lot of affection to give and I am not shy about it. If you show me love, if you listen to me, if you are willing to love me and talk to me through the unsavory parts of my personality (that we all have) that is enough for me. Be broke, live with your parents, live with 5 roommates that shit isn't your fault this country SUCKS! But if you want to be miserable and hate the world and assume the worst of me no matter how calmly I come to you about a problem? Then stay miserable and di-

[wedgedintight]

Any dating website recomendations?

[loomingseafog]

Commented by reblogging for better visibility incase anyone was curious:

Not really recs just personal reviews. Tinder has the biggest dating pool it is what it is. OkCupid used to show you local people but for me it no longer does reliably, but it's the most customizable to find what you want, which makes the location inaccuracy annoying. Bumble & Hinge just have low traffic. Hinge is also a humbling experience for me personally. Nobody wants to put themselves out there and so if you do as a fat person it can easily become exhausting when folks don't want your attention (holding out for the conventionally attractive). If you're Black, BLK sucks, men write bios even less. Feeld is a kink based app, it has potential but is glitchy and hard to get matches I think for everyone. A decent amount of private/faceless pages too. If there's another one you're curious about lmk maybe I used it.

[wedgedintight]

Thanks. I paid the $60 for Bumble and its going pretty well actually. The app clearly decided I count as a woman which while not true does give me a tactial advantage so thats cool.

I'm a little desprate and so said yes to a few people I would normally have thought were to straight and cis and normal to be worth it. And some absolutely where but some of the really normal seeming guys turned out to pan or gender questioning. And I met a trans lesbian who told me where a good lesbian bar is so I might go try that out too.

Before this I was on HERR for like 2 years. I got 2 dates out of it. When I had the settings to what I wanted it litteraly said theres no one like that here.

[wedgedintight]

Update: men on bumble really like getting my phone number and then ghosting me before the first date. Weird.

[loomingseafog]

Ah I'm sorry this isn't an active account yet for me. But thank you for updating and sharing! I'm sorry men are being weird like that. But I am glad that you've had other surprisingly positive experiences.

My experiences have not been getting much better it's like the potential is there but folks can't get passed understanding my anxiety.

[loomingseafog]

Dating as a non-binary, fat black alternative afab person has been the most draining experience. The addition of being non monogamous makes it even worse.

I have actively been attempting to date an additional person for nearly three years now. The nonchalant behavior of men in general is already tough to navigate. Men are so upset at the high expectations that women have of them, be a provider, cover financials, have a car, have their own place that they just offer nothing to start so everything else feels like gift. Also, so that when you do inevitably have expectations just from a personal, person to person, standpoint they can say some variation of, "well it was never that serious for me."

When you're fat you cannot have any expectations because the sheer fact that someone is talking to you is supposed to be enough. The moment you give back talk or stand up for yourself, or be difficult in anyway you're exposable.

I don't dress high femme. So despite only seeing me as a woman because to most gender is binary, they also do not see me as one given that I am fat. Which is different than the normal way women are seen as objects. There's like a disgust of me they are trying to keep down just to have access to a body for sex. Foreplay? Aftercare? Who cares about that! Kissing? NO!

Even if someone finds me attractive genuinely, the ego that I might reject them despite not being fat perhaps offends them. They'll show these horrible character flaws of hating women or being judgemental of other women and think I'll over look it because I am "different than other women" as if it is out of a hatred for women. When I simply hate all the expectations men and other women have simply because I was born a "girl."

I'm not your mother, I'm not your caregiver. I don't actually expect men to pay all of my bills or have a car or their own place. This world is TOUGH! I don't even have all of those things! But because I am a woman they believe they know what I want. I want a team player. A supportive non judgemental person who loves as much as they want to be loved. Someone who isn't a pessimist and isn't a love bombing optimist. Vibe with me because you like who I am, not JUST about what I could do for you.

Being non monogamous people just automatically think the friend zone is the only place I want to be. That being non monogamous is only about wanting sex and nothing more. I simply have a lot of affection to give and I am not shy about it. If you show me love, if you listen to me, if you are willing to love me and talk to me through the unsavory parts of my personality (that we all have) that is enough for me. Be broke, live with your parents, live with 5 roommates that shit isn't your fault this country SUCKS! But if you want to be miserable and hate the world and assume the worst of me no matter how calmly I come to you about a problem? Then stay miserable and di-

[wedgedintight]

Any dating website recomendations?

[loomingseafog]

Commented by reblogging for better visibility incase anyone was curious:

Not really recs just personal reviews. Tinder has the biggest dating pool it is what it is. OkCupid used to show you local people but for me it no longer does reliably, but it's the most customizable to find what you want, which makes the location inaccuracy annoying. Bumble & Hinge just have low traffic. Hinge is also a humbling experience for me personally. Nobody wants to put themselves out there and so if you do as a fat person it can easily become exhausting when folks don't want your attention (holding out for the conventionally attractive). If you're Black, BLK sucks, men write bios even less. Feeld is a kink based app, it has potential but is glitchy and hard to get matches I think for everyone. A decent amount of private/faceless pages too. If there's another one you're curious about lmk maybe I used it.

[loomingseafog]

The issue with enjoying casual s3x is that I am a community type person. I prefer arrangements that are friendly and repetitive. But why can't I just find a best friend that I link with? I mean it is definitely partially about trying to be this way with cis, often het, men but damn. I see well rounded men online all the time I guess they just aren't in my city.

[loomingseafog]

Housekeeping: Who runs this blog?

This is an anonymous account simply because I just want to vent whilst finding some sense of community and this is honestly the place where I have found that the best ... in practically my entire life. Tumblr isn't quite what it used to be ... well definitely is not but I hope there's still some fighters here. I am a Black American, I am in my early 30s at the time of writing this. I am fat femme and I am polyamorous and bisexual. Just so you have an idea of my perspectives.

Very much left. Very much looking at the world through a baby's first guide to afro pessimism lens.

[loomingseafog]

I need an ADHD or autism diagnosis so badly so that I can finally attempt to get accommodations that I feel I need to actually enter the normal non freelance workforce again. My last job treated my like a child even though I was older than all of my direct leaders. They were all white they were all passive aggressive and I just never felt I belonged in that space. As much as you can "belong" in a work environment.

But tbh I have always been othered my entire life! Who bullys a three year old at a daycare? Why was I the center of constant torment as a child from my own family? Why did/does my own mother allow other people to talk to me however they want? Why does my own mother socialize unprovoked with people who make my life difficult?

If I follow the rules, then I am a "good two shoes" or a "snitch" when I don't follow the rules I am beaten (as a child) or reprimanded. I am supposed to greet people when I enter a room but when people enter a room and I don't say anything I'm wrong. Set an example for my cousins but don't correct them in public or I am a terrible family member.

But my family can uproot me and my mother over and over again. My family can steal everything I own out of storage (or let it get auctioned off because they didn't pay for it WHO KNOWS!) I experience a house fire and nobody in my family helped us move to or from the hotel. Nobody helped us pay that expensive bill because we had no where else to stay? I AM TIRED.

Bulled in school for being quiet. But then when I talk nobody listens? I try and make friends but I am always the one reaching out or pulling the weight of the friendship otherwise they forget that I exist? If not for my girlfriend and long distance best friend I would not be here. That is such a sad thing to think about.

I have goals an ambitions but they feel so unattainable because life is not kid to people who are different and that is what I am for whatever reason I do not understand I just know that I am. I also know that because I am a fat person that people do not care about how they treat me because unless I am also wealthy or have some kind of status I do not offer them any kind of social uplifting. I also don't have clear skin so there's that 🙄.

[loomingseafog]

Dating as a non-binary, fat black alternative afab person has been the most draining experience. The addition of being non monogamous makes it even worse.

I have actively been attempting to date an additional person for nearly three years now. The nonchalant behavior of men in general is already tough to navigate. Men are so upset at the high expectations that women have of them, be a provider, cover financials, have a car, have their own place that they just offer nothing to start so everything else feels like gift. Also, so that when you do inevitably have expectations just from a personal, person to person, standpoint they can say some variation of, "well it was never that serious for me."

When you're fat you cannot have any expectations because the sheer fact that someone is talking to you is supposed to be enough. The moment you give back talk or stand up for yourself, or be difficult in anyway you're exposable.

I don't dress high femme. So despite only seeing me as a woman because to most gender is binary, they also do not see me as one given that I am fat. Which is different than the normal way women are seen as objects. There's like a disgust of me they are trying to keep down just to have access to a body for sex. Foreplay? Aftercare? Who cares about that! Kissing? NO!

Even if someone finds me attractive genuinely, the ego that I might reject them despite not being fat perhaps offends them. They'll show these horrible character flaws of hating women or being judgemental of other women and think I'll over look it because I am "different than other women" as if it is out of a hatred for women. When I simply hate all the expectations men and other women have simply because I was born a "girl."

I'm not your mother, I'm not your caregiver. I don't actually expect men to pay all of my bills or have a car or their own place. This world is TOUGH! I don't even have all of those things! But because I am a woman they believe they know what I want. I want a team player. A supportive non judgemental person who loves as much as they want to be loved. Someone who isn't a pessimist and isn't a love bombing optimist. Vibe with me because you like who I am, not JUST about what I could do for you.

Being non monogamous people just automatically think the friend zone is the only place I want to be. That being non monogamous is only about wanting sex and nothing more. I simply have a lot of affection to give and I am not shy about it. If you show me love, if you listen to me, if you are willing to love me and talk to me through the unsavory parts of my personality (that we all have) that is enough for me. Be broke, live with your parents, live with 5 roommates that shit isn't your fault this country SUCKS! But if you want to be miserable and hate the world and assume the worst of me no matter how calmly I come to you about a problem? Then stay miserable and di-