A thought experiment: Imagine how people might react if Taylor Swift released an album made up entirely of songs about wishing she could get back together with one of her exes.
Weâd hear things like: âShe canât let go. Sheâs clingy. Sheâs irrational. Sheâscrazy.â Men would have a field day comparing her to theirown âcrazyâ exes.
Yet when Robin Thicke released âPaulaâ â a plea for reconciliation with his ex-wife Paula Patton disguised as an LP â he was calledincoherent,obsessed,heartfeltand, in particular,creepy.
But you didnât hear men callinghim âcrazyâ â even though he used it as the title of one of tracks.
No, âcrazyâ is typically held in reserve for womenâs behavior. Men might be obsessed, driven, confused or upset. But we donât get called âcrazyâ â at least not the way men reflexively label women as such.
âCrazyâ is one of the five deadly words guys use to shame women into compliance. The others: Fat. Ugly. Slutty. Bitchy. They sum up the supposedly worst things a woman can be.
WHAT WE REALLY MEAN BY âCRAZYâ IS: âSHE WAS UPSET, AND I DIDNâT WANT HER TO BE.â
âCrazyâ is such a convenient word for men, perpetuating our sense of superiority. Men are logical; women are emotional. Emotion is the antithesis of logic. When women aretooemotional, we say they are being irrational. Crazy. Wrong.
Women hear it all the time from men. âYouâre overreacting,â we tell them. âDonât worry about it so much, youâre over-thinking it.â âDonât be so sensitive.â âDonât be crazy.â Itâs a form of gaslighting â telling women that their feelings are just wrong, that they donât have the right to feel the way that they do. Minimizing somebody elseâs feelings is a way of controlling them. If they no longer trust their own feelings and instincts, they come to rely on someone else to tell them how theyâresupposedto feel.
Small wonder that abusers love to use this c-word. Itâs a way of delegitimizing a womanâs authority over her own life.
Most men (#notallmen, #irony) arenât abusers, but far too many of us reflexively call women crazy without thinking about it. We talk about how âcrazy girl sexâ isthe best sexwhile wealsowarn men âdonât stick it in the crazy.â How I Met Your Motherwarned us to watch out for âthe crazy eyesâ and how to process women on the âCrazy/Hotâ scale. When we talk about why we broke up with our exes, we say, âShe got crazy,â and our guy friends nod sagely, as if that explains everything.
Except what weâre really saying is: âShe was upset, and I didnât want her to be.â
Many men are socialized to be disconnected from our emotions â the only manly feelings weâre supposed to show are stoic silence or anger. Weâre taught that to be emotional is to be feminine. As a result, we barely have a handle on our own emotions â meaning that weâre especially ill-equipped at dealing with someone elseâs.
Thatâs where âcrazyâ comes in. Itâs the all-purpose argument ender. Your girlfriend is upset that you didnât call when you were going to be late? Sheâs being irrational. She wants you to spend time with her instead of out with the guys again? Sheâs being clingy. Your wife doesnât like the long hours youâre spending with your attractive co-worker? Sheâs being oversensitive.
As soon as the âcrazyâ card is in play, women are put on the defensive. It derails the discussion from what sheâs saying to how sheâs saying it. We insist that someone canât be emotional and rational at the same time, so she has to prove that sheâs not being irrational. Anything she says to the contrary can just be used as evidence against her.
More often than not, I suspect, most men donât realize what weâre saying when we call a woman crazy. Not only does it stigmatize people who have legitimate mental health issues, but it tells women that they donât understand their own emotions, that their very real concerns and issues are secondary to menâs comfort. And it absolves men from having to take responsibility for how we make others feel.
In the professional world, weâve had debates over labels like âbossyâ and âbrusque,â so often used to describe women, not men. In our interpersonal relationships and conversations, âcrazyâ is the adjective that needs to go.
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