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I am Lorraine • Welcome to my uninteresting life VSCO Cam • Youtube • Spotify

[lorrainerae]

Constantly reminding myself not to fall for you.

[lorrainerae]

Stumbled upon this post… And again, reminding myself. Still the same person 🙂🙃

[lorrainerae]

TOTGA. for the second time. from 2016 to 2019.

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Graduation party ❤️ the Bio majors ++ the bestfriends I made in college

[lorrainerae]

Constantly reminding myself not to fall for you.

[lorrainerae]

Stumbled upon this post... And again, reminding myself. Still the same person 🙂🙃

[lorrainerae]

Graduated college with a degree in BS Biology last week! Finally. Thank you to all those who have helped, supported and cared along the way 💚

[lorrainerae]

I am confused. I do not know what to believe in. It's hard to be in a position with few clues and a lot of insights throwing at me. But today, I have to break this silence and make a stand. For years, I have learned history through books, films, documentaries, journals, talks and lectures of historians and heard stories from people who experienced it. Everything has two sides or more. It can be leaning to what had really happened or others can be biased from personal gain. There are variety of perspective-- on which I do not know what to trust into. It isn't easy to know which side of the story is true, authentic and genuine. In history, I have learned two sides of the story of the Ferdinand Marcos regime. On one side, I know that in his period, there are tons of projects made and created. There's no doubt today that we are still presently obtaining good things from those. There are a lot of infrastructures built. Different reforms passed. Bunch of positives, in short. However, on the other side of the story, I learned that his term lasted for so long. He announced Martial Law to the country, which helped him control the people and make decrees when he wants to. It got out of hand. He used the money of the people for personal and familial matters. As of today, taxpayers still pay for those since the left debt were beyond imaginable. Filipinos were tortured and killed. Families were torn. Everyone got scared and felt fear. Lawless violence everywhere. It was disciplined but there were people who had to sacrifice their lives to be away from such bloody hands who prevent them from speaking and seek justice for the remains and dead members. The society broke and died. From that, I learned. Yes, Marcos made progress for the country. Philippines accelerated like no other nation in the world. It was unstoppable. He was good at it. However, the sad truth that I realized is that he became so selfish and greedy of power that he wanted to keep it for ages. Sinayang niya ang napakaraming taon para ipaunlad ang bayan ngunit dahil naging ganid sa kapangyarihan, sinira niya ang lipunan. He lasted so long in his position that the country had to be left off full of debt and with a lot of people gone missing, to the point, the country was destroyed. I didn't experience that era and heck I was not even born, but to hear the stories of my own parents, the people from documentaries-- it broke me to pieces. I felt sadness for the families. There was no compassion. This freedom I have right now was made out of the sacrifice they did in the past. Their youth was gone while I am enjoying it now. Those names tortured and killed I learned in history just remained names on the pages of books. Now, Marcos is treated as some sort of a hero, whereas those who suffered are not even given justice. Nahihiya ako para sa mga pamilya at kaibigan dahil kahit hindi ako mismo ang nakaranas, ramdam ko ang lungkot at dismaya na nanununuot sa mga kaluluwa nila. Pinatay na nga noon, lalong pinatay ngayon. Ang aking simpatiya ay nasa kanila. I am not siding to any political name as each of them had flaws and gave off problems to the country. I am not pro-Aquino or even anti-Duterte. But I stand for those maltreated people-- the Filipinos. I am with them to seek justice and fight for their rights in this unending battle. It is disheartening-- an embarassment to the world that we buried a dictator sealing it with a "hero".

[lorrainerae]

My opinion.

Every news as of the moment is truly heartbreaking. The decision of the people is so powerful yet sometimes can be so destructive. From allowing the Marcos burial, freeing Arroyo (news is back again), and electing Donald Trump as US President. All in one day. It saddens me that a wrong simple choice by an individual is triumphant, that generated the others’ decision to be combined to be counted as high percentage.

It is allowable to pick what is right for our self but it is always, always, more important to choose for the many. Who will suffer? Who can be at risk by the decision made? How will this mere vote turn our lives around? These are the few questions that have to be considered every time a person makes a commitment.

I try my best everyday to sharpen my mind to be an informed citizen and a learned compassionate person for my country and the entire world yet it is not enough to make a difference because the ignorance does not come from me or my family but from the people with minds’ closed to the reality of what is truly happening.

My statements may not be right for a huge percentage of the Filipinos but whenever I hear the stories of the victims, the hardships they had to endure all those years, and the ruined youth of my parents and their friends, it all boils down to one. He was never a hero. Justice was served to the Marcos family in a silver platter but those human rights victims and my fellow countrymen were not even given a voice. Not even a chance. Not even a little hope. It was a move of desperation rather than moving on. It opened up wounds again and will forever be infected. Truly a cancer. This society has become blinded and minds are clouded like nothing happened in the past. I am truly disappointed with the justice system and I feel sorry to those who are left behind.

On another hand, I never really liked our president ever since. Very misogynistic. Sexist. Undecisive. No one word. It feels like the newly-elected US President is just as the same. How can a nation move forward if even the leader is dividing the people into some sort of factions? Labels are everywhere. Black. White. Muslim. Christian. Atheist. Who the hell cares about these? This is simply the human race. Now, fear is overcoming the emotions of the people. Fear to go outside. Fear to be get rid of and hated by because even the person who has to look at the people the same way is not viewing the people equally. That is disgusting. No one has to be stepped down because of a different belief or following a different ideology. No one is above anyone else. It is scary how these labels will affect the lives of so many individuals. 

To end, I now cannot imagine how things will turn. I feel the fear every day but what I am scared of is that the others will be more terrified than I am. I hope that these decisions made by many will come to a good end. I hope this has a greater purpose, a meaning beyond my eyes and mind can comprehend. I hope that someday compassion will lead the way to a more just and habitual place we call home.

[lorrainerae]

10-26-16

I'm grateful for the gift of life. There are times that I feel lost, empty and dreaded. Thoughts of dying had sometimes crossed my mind. I never planned of doing it but the thought of it sounds so pleasing-- to be able to stop the pain and failure. I never did it. I'm scared of the people I will leave. Dying would not end the pain but rather it would be passed on to someone else. I don't know if someone will be sad if I die but for sure, there would be people who would feel that it was not okay. So I never did. I'm thankful for my parents for understanding that I fall into setbacks every now and then but they never told me that it's not okay. Instead they pushed me harder. That's what I appreciate- that my parents don't expect so much from me. They were never a reason for me to unexist. For me, it was the surroundings that made me think to end this life. That I have to follow a certain criteria, that I have to be with the good intelligent norm. If I don't fit in, I'm stupid. That's what the society has instilled upon this generation. It's saddening to hear suicides of my age. It was hard for them. They already died inside before they even stopped it. I hope that society and even other's family think of the welfare of every single person. We need to stop setting standards because sometimes people cannot or will not be able to reach for it, especially if they're battling with mental health issues. I don't want to compare my situation to others because we're all different. I just want to say I'm beyond grateful for an understanding family that gave me a reason to still live.

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10-10-16 TO 10-14-16

I am grateful for the education given to me. Despite having to extend one more term, I kept trying to look for the positive reason why I have to stay. Even if it’s dreadful every Monday and Wednesday to listen the same thing again from last time, there are still a lot of things to encounter and obtain learnings from. Dragging myself to hours of commute just to set my foot in school for a 1.5 hr class is totally difficult for me but for those learnings I want to hear, I make it to a point to come and be present. I might not be able to acquire new knowledge or new insights when I don’t go to lecture. With that, I am truly thankful for this another term for me to learn and realize that there are still a lot of things I need to understand and appreciate. 

Everyday I see a reminder on how I fail in life but, as much as possible, each day I remind myself to get back up. I tell myself that everything would be fine. I am glad that there are still people who motivates me to stand tall and be the best that I can be. There are handful of people, nowadays, that does not care for the feelings of others because all they think about is themselves. I am very much thankful for those who shares there experiences and learnings on how they overcame their setbacks in life. With those stories, I am prompted to recognize that I am not alone in my situation. There were people who experienced something like this, probably worse than what I have encountered and done. I try to pick up the lessons they learned and use it to push my life forward. These instances make my days worthwhile, that there are still reasons to live, that there are existing purpose into what I am doing. With that, I am truly grateful.

[lorrainerae]

10-8-16

October 8 is my dad’s birthday. December last year and earlier this year, I thought I was gonna lose him. He went in and out of the hospital for 6 months due to different sickness. This was his first time being in a hospital that long. Of course, my family had to switch every single day in the ward. It was the hardest experience I have ever had in my entire life. I never thought of surviving that point of my life. 

One of his doctors last December told me that he might have cancer because at some of his tests, it showed like it. He told me to tell my mom first before my dad because my dad might not be able to handle much more of sadness. When I heard it, I composed myself in front of the doctor and handled it how a pre-med student should be. I didn’t tell my mom. She was working so much in her office already that I don’t want to put much stress. I kept it to myself. I cried in the room’s CR telling my dad I was just pooping but I was dying inside. I don’t want my dad to see me crying because he might know the news. I prayed so much. I wished so much. I want my dad to feel okay and my mom to feel okay. I kept the burden to myself--as their daughter. The next day, another test revealed that it was not cancer however it can still be benign. Whatever the case was, I was completely happy that I kept everything to myself. That it was not something we should be worried about. He was in the hospital for three weeks in December and every single day, it was hard for me to see my dad telling me that I should take care of our family. He was partly giving up already because it was really painful for him. But as their eldest child, I had to be strong for each of them. I promised him that he has to wait for me to graduate. I promised him that he’s gonna be alright. Two days before Christmas, he got discharged from the hospital. It was a sad Christmas and New Year celebration for our family but I was thankful enough that we were complete.

2016 came. I thought it was gonna be fine. It wasn’t until he felt a lump in his lower abdomen. I thought it was a cyst of some sort. He endured the pain in our house for days because he doesn’t want to be in the hospital again. But one day, he was rushed to the hospital by my mom. He had a very low blood sugar that it could have leave him dead for minutes. And the cyst, it was just trapped urine in his bladder because it cannot go out. He had to have a catheter for weeks--months. 1 week, he got released. We tried to make everything feel normal in our household. 

Until one day again while I was in class, my aunt and uncle called me that my dad’s doctor’s appointment (they had to accompany him because my mom works and I go to school) turned to be confined again. They decided to transfer him to a public hospital where he can have a till private ward. This time he had digestive problems. It was like diarrhea but worst. Of course in a public hospital, nurses and caregivers are not appointed to each patient. For each diaper, my dad had to wait for hours. I didn’t want him to wait so I had to do it myself. I didn’t mind anything at all for his comfort. He was already having a bad time and the littlest I can do is to extend my help. I had many exams while his stay in this hospital but I didn’t study because what I can do if the only one left to help him is me. My mom’s working and already burned out from everything that my dad doesn’t want her help anymore. He wanted my mom to stay out of the hospital and just let me and my aunt to stay with him. I don’t know what had happened but his doctor there wanted him to go for a colonoscopy. Goodness. Public hospitals have a great way of ruining your day. Reserving for a colonoscopy had to be months before. I wanted to just cry out because what’s the point of all that if we don’t know the diagnosis within that week. So we were referred to a doctor who can do it within the week. For the love of God, that doctor didn’t even come in. My mom decided to pull out my dad and transfer him to a private hospital. We paid for a doctor who we never met and never checked up on my dad. The price for public and private hospital were same. 

Turns out that the problem my dad had was that he had a wound in his butt due to the infection from the “diarrhea” infection (and yes, there was no diagnosis in the public hospital because the doctors were clearly doing nothing). If the wound was not cleaned in surgery in days, my dad might not be able to make it. Without money in our pockets, my mom had to just say go to the surgery. Good thing, my uncle can give us some money also. We were truly grateful for the goodness of the heart my relatives are giving to us. 

My dad has fully recovered from the surgery. He still have diabetes, which may be the root cause of everything. The complications of diabetes had branched of to a variety of diseases in 6 months. Since June 1, my dad went back to his office. We also appreciate the help of his office for this--for not removing him from his position. To be able to redeem himself again that he can still do it. Even he lost so much weight, lost so much happiness, and lost almost his life, he stayed with us.

And that’s what I am grateful for today. The extended life, God or the nature, has given him once more. Another year to fix his life. A year added to make our family whole and complete again. It’s October 8 and I’m thankful for the existence of my dad because without him, I am not who I am today. I am not me.

[lorrainerae]

10-7-16

I must admit, I am not yet 100% vegan but it’s so amazing that out there in the real world, vegans exist. The other day, I saw a girl in the LRT wearing an “I am Vegan” shirt. Today, I saw a guy’s description on his page (Ok tbh, it was on Tinder) that says he’s “Vegan”. My orgmate shared on her Facebook account last week that she turned “Vegetarian”. Another shocking thing was that a girl with the same program/course as I am is also a transitioning vegan now. To make it more interesting, there’s an existing active group of people promoting veganism, specifically in Manila, Philippines. Veganism is within my reach now.

This makes me happy that the advocacy I want to do is being done little by little by individuals that I don’t even know personally. I don’t see the talk much often but whenever I encounter something related to veganism, it really excites my soul to see others doing the same thing. With small steps by people across this city, this action can somehow change the view of others and let it prosper beyond borders. That we don’t have to kill animals for our diet or use products that was tested on animals. The compassion that drives this little percentage of people can move others to do the same. To be able to live in a cruelty-free world. A just society where no one or no life is harmed.

I’m thankful to see in my lifetime that there are a lot of people trying to make a difference to save the environment, the Earth, ourselves and humanity itself.

[lorrainerae]

10-4-16 TO 10-6-16

I wasn’t able to write to this ThingsIAmGratefulFor journal I created for three days because I didn’t have the energy to do so. I do not want to drag myself into putting words in here if I can’t. 

Well for the past days, the thing I am most grateful for are the people who stayed in my life - those people who check up on me even if they don’t have to; the people who makes me smile the smallest way possible; and the people who do their best to contribute to the society to make it a better place to live in. That’s what I am thankful for, to be with people in line with my own personal beliefs and respect my perspectives. 

I appreciate those people who never forget that I still exist despite the big leap we all had. It’s not that hard to ask a person how they were doing, it’s not complicated to simply seek if they are okay. To be honest, it is the most powerful thing to do, to know if you’re friend is okay. Everyone appreciates a little thought that a friend exerted. 

Though yes I am grateful for the people who are beside me right now, there are people who should be removed from my life. They may be toxic or not, if they are not right to be in my life, they have to go. It’s not being selfish but it’s being selective of who I want to be with. It’s time let go and move forward with those who give their time and effort to walk in a journey...

[lorrainerae]

10-3-16

I am grateful to be an inspiration to others even the smallest way possible. With my own experiences and learnings, I hope people find encouragements to get back up and strive harder. People and myself may not have the same situation because everyone had it their own way, different decisions to make it to their standing. But the lessons we obtain from each mistakes will be beyond powerful to motivate others even if there’s no similarity of the context. The point is, we as people, that we need to influence and boost each other’s life to bring out the best in us.

I am also thankful for meeting new people every single day -- good ones or bad. Even if they’re going to forget me in the morning, it was truly a great connection to find someone and have a conversation with about life basically. And that’s already something worth remembering. Not the name of a person but the exchange of insights and perception are the ones will remain in our hearts.

[lorrainerae]

10-2-2016

Today, I am grateful for the gift of life. Waking up with a complete family by my side. Despite having in bad religious life, I appreciate the spiritual celebration with good company. Eat outside even it’s not my ethics now to eat meat. I still didn’t but the respect poured out from my soul to join the family members, that’s what I’m thankful for. I place all my gratitude to my parents for sacrificing a huge percentage of their time in this carmaggedon traffic in Manila to be able to go to their respective offices -- to be able to feed the mouths of four children, who never stops asking for more. I am truly grateful that my life is still normal even I feel stuck, hopeless and useless in this house every single day. I thank the world for letting me assess my situation, for giving me a variety of options to choose from, which I carelessly avoid due to anxious emotions. I am beyond appreciative that I feel okay, that’s everything’s going to be fine even if I don’t have a choice in this point of time. All I wish is that when the time I choose, it’s for the best.

[lorrainerae]

October.

Starting this October, I want to share everyday the things I am truly grateful for. It can be the little things to huge accomplishments. I hope this can inspire others to reflect on their own and radiate positivity.

10/1

First of all, I am beyond grateful for reaching October with complete family. I thought I’m going to lose one early this year but that didn’t happen. It’s such an amazing feeling that my family learned a lot from the problem occurred foremost of the year. I am also thankful for my friends who are still with me and continuously be by my side. I may have failed last term, I am happy that I remained for this one last term. My appreciation to the world that I stayed to find my purpose. I still haven’t chosen a direction and I feel like this is the calling of me to ponder more. Lastly, the gratitude for knowing veganism. I am not a complete vegan but only a transitioning one -- it’s still in my mind to go further because I already started it. I am glad that I can do such a difference with this lifestyle change, not for my own good but also for the animals and the environment. 

[lorrainerae]

Because I was kinda stupid, I accidentally ate something with dairy milk on it. I regret that I didn't check correctly. Dairy gives me uneasy and heaviness feeling in my body. It feels like I have heartburn and constipation. Every time I consume something with dairy, I feel like all of my body fats are awake. It makes me inactive and just lay in bed all day. Fuck dairy. Never again. Ugh. Worst feeling ever.

[lorrainerae]

I’m baaaack. After a long time.

Turns out I will not be graduating this October. I’m now on to finish the last 3.0 unit course this term and hopefully graduate on February. It was saddening to know that I wouldn’t march on stage next month. The world has its reasons to let me stay. It was hard to accept but now I have moved on. I learned my mistakes and I am trying not to put it to waste. I am beyond grateful to remain in school for my tenth term. Probably this is a way for me to know my self more, weigh options, and decipher my purpose in life.

I just wanted to show my smile in this recent picture because I am now stronger and full of optimism. Never better. 

[lorrainerae]

A typical term in DLSU is 14 weeks long. Short but the topics are well taught. However, this term it was cut to 10 weeks for the Bio majors as 30 students need to jump to med school in the start of August. Even those who are not proceeding to med school yet are affected by this event. Now, we are all bombarded with paperworks, lab reports, quizzes, exams. We even have advanced classes until 9 pm and Saturday classes, which rarely or never happened before. Not that I’m complaining with this scenerio, I’m just scared that I might fail again due to this. 14 weeks were already not enough for me to catch up before, how’s 10 even so? It’s now midterms, 7th week, technically we have 3 or 4 weeks left, and I’m really exhausted and tired. I want it to end or slow down a bit. From day 1 of this term, it was hustle and bustle of work load, unending bullshit reports and papers. I hope I can make it and GRADUATE. That’s the only motivation I’ve got to be able to finish this nonsense. But hopefully, I can end my college life still intact and unbroken.