to early emphasis: dear cloud’s nine has confirmed that she was asked by jonghyun to post his final note before passing to fans. she has also confirmed that she was given the blessing from his family to share it with the world. you can find confirmation of this here. below will be proper triggers for this post as it is not easy to read. i will also leave nine’s comment that she left on her post as it is important in regards to why she was asked to post it. if you feel that i have missed any please do not hesitation message me on my personal blog (jaekyung) and i will add them as quickly as i am able to. also thank you to sonexstella for translating.
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trigger warning(s): death tw, depression tw, suicide ideation tw, suicide tw
nine: i said my final goodbye with jonghyunnie. even after seeing his smiling portrait of the deceased, it still feels like jonghyunnie will come to me and smile as if all of this was a dream.
starting from awhile back, jonghyunnie told me his dark and deep internal stories. i think each day was very difficult for him. i kept having uneasy thoughts so i made it known to his family and tried my hardest to capture his heart but it only ended up postponing time and i could not block his last (action).
i still cannot believe he is not in this world and it’s so painful. i’m still afraid, not knowing if it’s the right thing to upload these words but jonghyun himself asked me to please upload these words if he disappeared from this world. i wished this day would never come …
after discussing with his family i am uploading his final note, according to his last wishes. i think that there must be a reason why he left this up to me. i worry that there will be controversy. however, i think that he predicted this and asked me, so i decided that i will do the one last thing i can do for jonghyunnie.
i hope everyone knows now that jonghyun was not alone and that he worked hard … that he did really well … please thank him for withstanding well …
beautiful jonghyun, i really love you a lot. going forward, i will love you a lot. in that place, please don’t be in pain and i hope you will be peaceful …
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i am broken from the inside. depression that slowly ate away at me ended up swallowing me. i couldn’t beat it. i hated myself. i held onto memories that have died out and, even though i shouted to snap out of it, there was no response. if suffocating breaths will not open up it’s better instead to stop.
i asked who can take responsibility for myself. it’s you. i was completely alone. it’s easy to say you’ll end it. it’s hard to end it. i lived up to now admist that difficulty. you said i wanted to run away. that’s right. i wanted to run away. from myself. from you.
i asked who was there. i said it was me. again, it was me. and once again, it was me. i asked why i kept losing memories. it’s my personality. i see. in the end, it’s all my fault.
i hoped someone would notice, but no one knew. never met me, so of course, no one knew i was there. i asked why i was living. just. just. everyone just lives. if i asked why someone would die, you would say you’re exhausted. i suffered from concern. i never learned how to change tiresome pains into joy. pain is just pain.
i urged myself not to be like that. why? why can’t i end it according to my own will? i tried to find out why i was in pain. i knew too well. i am in pain because of myself. it’s all because it’s my fault and because i’m foolish.
teacher, did you want to hear these words? no. i did nothing wrong. when he blamed my personality with a quiet voice i thought it was so easy to be a doctor.
it’s fascinating to see why i’m in this much pain. people who have more hardships than i do live well. people who are weaker than me live well. maybe that’s not it. of people who are alive, there is no one who has more hardships than i do, and who is weaker than i am.
despite this, i was told to live. i asked why this is the case a hundred times, and it’s never for me. it’s for you. i wanted it to be for me. please don’t say things you don’t know. find out why it’s difficult. i told you many times why it’s difficult for me. with that, is it not possible for it to be this difficult? does there need to be more concrete drama? are you wanting more of a story? i already told you. did you not pay attention? what i can overcome doesn’t leave a scar.
colliding with the world must not have been my fate. being known to the world must not have been my life. that’s why everything was difficult. colliding, and being known was difficult. why did i chose that. it’s a funny incident.
it’s commendable that i was able to withstand up to this point. what more can i say? just tell me i worked hard. that i did a good job. that i went through a lot. even if you can’t smile, please don’t send me off in blame.
you worked hard. you went through a lot. goodbye.
2087
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