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@losing-meow
First post I guess...
Hello there! I am Alex (she/they) an instagram refugee of sorts.. since it feels all and everyone has since either died or quit on instagram, here I am..
(if anyone does use insta still, my acc is losing_meow there too.)
Also I don't know whatsoever how to use tumblr so.. ye. Let's see how this goes. Expect a mix of thinspo, rants and diary type stuff.
Well.... The past few days were pretty shit.
I completely overdid it on Thursday at my internship, so I had to call in sick on Friday.
I also couldn't be bothered to make food on Thursday but I knew if I didn't eat I'd be in for hell on Friday. So I ordered far too much food.
Also I decided to stop being vegan for now. I think it has a major part to play in this relapse, because I was already in the mindset of restricting what I eat and reading all the labels to double check.. So when it came to being rejected by the guy I was crushing on, it just immediately sent me over the edge and into restriction.
Now, that doesn't mean I'll go out and buy like a fuck ton of meat or anything lol. I'll still be very much conscious of trying to choose ethically (to a degree at least). But it'll be less toxic for my mental health overall I think.
Also
I have been invited on a date by a guy i met on vr (who lives relatively close by). We exchanged pics and I chose a recent one where my size is visible n shit. And he called me cute? Huh? I... What? How.
But I'll take it *shrugs*
No official time set for the date yet tho.
Vent
My mental health has been SO bad these past few days since coming home from my parents.
I hate that I gained weight. I have lost it again by today but it still sucks. I wanted to lose a lot more weight this month...
I also really struggle with my veganism currently. I miss all of my safe meals from years past.. My cottage cheese, my lion cereal, regular milk, eggs... Salami sticks etc..
I know there's no reason for me to eat any of this. I know it's morally awful. So why do I crave it so badly?
And ultimately... I also don't want to disappoint a very close friend of mine who's very much an ethical vegan.
If I was yknow, recovering, then I'd have a reason to not be vegan anymore because it restricts me. But I'm very much not so this is ridiculous..
And I feel so lonely currently...
The guy I had a crush on is aromantic and will never love me back, even though he treats me as if he loves me which rly fucks with me. But also he's been rly distant the past week.. Partially because of me being away ofc, but also since I'm home again.... He left me on read when I hinted at being in the mood, which usually would lead to sexting, and hasn't answered in the 2 days since.
Another guy I'm at least sexually interested in is a super fit guy and I worry he'd find me horrifically ugly and fat if he saw me.
And I haven't drunk any notable alcohol (the 125ml of beer I had on Saturday decidedly don't count) in almost 2 weeks which pisses me off too (I was even craving alcohol when I smelled a drunk guys alcoholic smell waft through the train on Monday ffs) cant deny that I have an issue I suppose.
Tomorrow my internship starts up again for Thursday and Friday and I SO DON'T WANT TO GO.
Ughhhhhhh
Wednesday 21st of May
Calories: 1,285 cal
Exercise: 460 cal
Net: 825 cal
Today was alright. The 2nd granola bar was slightly unnecessary I guess and the date proved to me that I still don't like dates as is lol.
I actually was about to order food earlier today, but the site didnt work so I took it as a sign from the universe to not be stupid and order food.
I still really crave the bqq cauliflower "wings" that burger place has... I might get them tomorrow when I come home form my internship. It's a little bit out of the way of my way home but that way I don't order more than just the cauliflower..
I also have another portion of the pea stew for my lunch tomorrow. Yay me for actually semi meal prepping?
Also my legs hurt from pedaling on my little under the desk bike. It's good though, it's proof of the burned cals.
So I ended up breaking my "fast" at around 24h, with some pan fried vegan saussages and tomato, and some vegan mozzarella, with balsamic glaze and a burger sauce dip thingy.
Meaning my total calories yesterday was ~600cal
That being said the mozzarella was a baaaaad idea. It was a bit over its best before date, but it smelled and tasted fine. Yet, I ended up in bed with stomach pains and had to take anti emetics. So yeah, not good.
Domino's pizza is calling my name so badly.
But I won't. I cannot.
I did burn off my entire breakfast at least.
But I'm hungry again now, and it's annoying as hell.. I do have a bunch of food I could have that's not awful in calories but I am also craving something more unhealthy...
Well I'm back home from eurovision since yesterday evening.
I debated fasting fully. But I decided to prevent binges, instead of not eating at all, I'll restrict as low as I can, and burn off anything I eat with the little under the desk bike I have.
Not sure about the calories it says it burns, but given my size I'll just say it's likely accurate enough or underestimating.
So 280 cals to bike off for my breakfast of oatmilk and granola.
The guy that I’m talking to is an older guy, 18 years older than me (*squeals in daddy issues*) and he’s like really into health and fitness and trying to get back into it.
ISTG I NEED to get sk/nny for him or else I’ll kms 🙄
I feel this.
I've been flirting with a guy on VR (don't judge me my nightlife and clubbing is VR based, I prefer my bed to be 2m away when I'm done lol)
And he is this super fit and active military (UK) guy and I'm here like.... This.
Don't think I ever want anything more than flirting around and some fwb/sexting maybe but with my body rn? Sending pics is out of the question. Gotta lose.
I hate how being at my parents means 0 restriction.
And not only that it also means vegetarian instead of vegan which fucks with me because it makes me binge on cheese and chocolate
As soon as I'm home on Monday I'll start a fast istg.
I need to fix these days. I know I'll have gained so much from this... I'm not counting or tracking because it would drive me insane to see the numbers. I can't weigh my food either way so I can't estimate properly and that would rly fuck with me too because if I don't weigh my food, I overestimate like crazy just to be safe and that would just make me feel so bad.
Anyways eurovision preview night was great though!!
(this was 1.5h before the show, we got there early just in case)
how i am i actually bad at everything. i'm not even good at my own e4t!ng d!s0rd3r💀
No fr... I feel you.
12th May
Weigh in: 119.5kg (-0.3kg)
Food: 1578 cal
Exercise/Activity: -150 cal
Net: 1428 cal
Food log (read bottom to top as per the timestamps):
The app is called BitePal - uses AI to detect your food and estimate the calories (it's not very good at that part) I calculate my calories myself with fitbit and weighing everything. But the app is cute and if you give it the accurate calories and descriptors of what food it is, the macro calculation is accurate lol. Though sometimes it does know what vegan food is. Apparently my vegan Mortadella is "highly processed meat high in cholesterol" lololol.
Under 1.6k cal is good for today given that I was pretty active at my internship so I'm pretty sure I've burned at least 150-200cal.
Tbh I thought I'd end up higher, but I am not complaining.
I am rly looking forward to checking my weight tomorrow especially since I am hungry now that I am in bed. That promises a nice loss. Ofc I know most of the weight im losing rn is likely water weight. But every kg less on my joints is good even if it is water weight.
I want to desperately be skinny enough to be lifted by a future partner. Without heaving struggling.
Idk if anyone else also does this but there are things I don't count when counting calories, like I refuse to count them
Firstly, alcohol(love it, can't live without it, yes I have a problem, alcohol doesn't have any calories stop lying about my baby)
Secondly, coffee (I know most people count it but my coffee never goes beyond 40-50cals unless it has milk in it, which 80% of the time it doesn't but even when it does, it's the only thing keeping me standing when fasting or OMAD or MONO, so I don't count it cause like, I can keep my calories low coffee ain't gonna ruin it. It's liquid weight anyway it barely counts)
And thirdly, small bites ( I don't mean millions of small bites throughout the day, I mainly mean, for example, if my sis gets chips and I eat like 2-5 chips while talking with her, I don't count these. Obv not every day but once every now and then that it happens I don't count it cause again if I do my diet correctly 2 chips ain't gonna ruin it)
What's funny about this list of things I don't count is that I used to count 2 of these things obsessively!!!!
The one I didn't count, never, was alcohol and I'll never count it🥹
That's a mood on the alcohol. I refuse. I'm not letting my friday/saturday/sunday night be ruined by calories.
Tbf I drink gin mostly anyways so comparatively low cal vs wine or beer.
Also gives me less of a hangover lol.
I also refuse to count small amounts of fruit or veg. Salad leaves? Cucumber? A slice of tomato? I am not counting those fuck no.
Little rant
How come that I am so incapable of just... Feeling hungry and not doing anything abt it?
Sure I know my stomach is stretched from eating like a pig the past months/years.
But why does hunger immediately prompt me to go make food? It didn't use to be like this when I was younger and successfully losing weight ffs.
Like today, I could've been under 1k but noooooo little missie has to have dinner.
And then that didn't even satisfy me so I am still hungry after a bunch of food wtf.
Trying to cope by watching asmr mukbang videos... I usually absolutely hate chewing noises and such. But I find that when I am hungry and restricting, hearing the chewing and swallowing noises let's me gaslight myself into feeling like it's me who's eating rn and so it helps a little bit?
Does anyone else also do this or am I just weird lol
So today went.... Alright? I guess?
Total: 1350cal (this is likely overestimated a little)
Since I was at 1.7k + calories the past few days today was good I suppose.
Still not super happy, I could have been under 1k but I was craving food so badly... At least I went with the healthier option.
Oh yeah also I guess I should mention I'm mostly vegan sicne the start of the year. Vegetarian when visiting my parents because it's too much work otherwise.
(tbh I am sort of half assing veganism in that sense, but hey, if 90% of my year is vegan and 98% vegetarian then that is better than 0%)
Lunch:
Baked wholegrain noodle dish with tomato + sauce hollandaise and soy granules for protein
Snack:
A handful of granola, 110g of mango, some vegan Mortadella slices, 1 lentil waffle
Dinner:
2 pieces of toast bread with margerine, some Mortadella and raspberry jam
Back to my internship tomorrow so likely will be higher with my intake again then.... But ig I also burn more so it balances out? Idk.
I still exist woohoo
So yeah I am back on here. Still just as fat as ever (it hurts to see that I actually was a lot thinner last time I was on here in 21...)
Anyways, I shall be more active again I suppose.
I've not had a relapse this bad in years, but I suppose it's hardly fair to call it a relapse when I never was skinny in the first place.
I wonder if anyone is still on here?
Fuck internalized ableism. I wouldn't hold anyone else to the standards I hold myself to
This. I tend to just... Not acknowledge my disability since "I am taking medicine that stops my symptoms so really I should just function like everyone else"
Which doesn't work.
I'm in such a weird place disordered eating wise.
I just want to be back in my honeymoon phase tbh. Not this mess of restricting and binging flipping back and forth between the extremes (and no this isn't because I restrict too much. Its just me being fucked with both ways of disordered eating)
Idk. Last few days were terrible tbh, had a gastroscopy on Monday and have been in pain ever since (to be fair kind of my own fault, I ate something spicy the day after).
