I failed as a sub last night.
This is really hard to write about.
I didn’t break a rule. I didn’t willfully misbehave. I wasn’t inappropriate or bad. But I failed as a sub.
I’m Daddy’s sub and little. That means that he owns me. And that means that my number one job in serving him is to make sure that his property (me) is happy, healthy, well-maintained and well taken care of.
Last night I did not do that.
Daddy and I had a great night. He took me out for hotdogs at my favorite place and then he took me to the Disney Store and Build-A-Bear. We were celebrating that I’d been a good girl and gotten a whole month’s worth of stickers. It was all so great!
Then we went home and Daddy ordered me to get on my knees and take his cock out.
Now normally, that’s my favorite place to be. But I wasn’t in the headspace for sex. Like, I really wasn’t in the headspace for sex. But I’ve been having a weird relationship with sex lately (more on that later) and I thought if I just got down to business that the headspace would come.
The thing you have to understand is that my slave heart so badly wants to serve and please him. It brings me peace and it brings me joy. But what I did last night was let my desire to please him supersede my duty to serve him. And it created a bit of a mess.
I did not want to have sex. I did not want to do anything sexual. I was not in the headspace for it. I was literally fighting back tears - and still, I didn’t say anything.
He even asked me at one point. Green? he said. And I nodded. Even though my brain was screaming, no, no, no, RED!
Now, because of my past sexual trauma going forward with sex when I was in the headspace I was in could have been incredibly damaging. It could have triggered me really badly - or even retraumatized me.
But I so badly wanted to please him. I was so afraid of disappointing him. We only get to see each other a couple times per week and I didn’t want to be a downer. I didn’t want to take this away from him.
So you know what I did instead?
I took away the power I’d given him to make decisions for me. By not telling him what was going on, by not communicating to him what I was feeling and where my head was at, I not only silenced my voice but I took away his ability to care for my needs. Without even asking him.
I effectively neutralized our dynamic in that moment. Like I said before, I let my desire to please him supersede my duty to serve him.
I should have spoken up. I should have used my safeword. I should have told him what I was feeling and where my head was at.
Thankfully, Daddy knows me and he stopped play and went straight to cuddles and storytime and aftercare instead. But what if he hadn’t?
Things could have been terrible. I could have harmed myself and that definitely would have harmed him. I wasn’t thinking about my needs or his needs or even his wants.
He wants me happy. He wants me healthy. He wants me taken care of and safe and protected and in a good headspace. He needs me that way.
His needs and wants supersede my wants. And that means that, yes, his desire to see me happy and healthy and safe and protected come before my desire to please him.
I failed as a sub last night. By not speaking up, by not openly communicating with my Dom, by holding back when I should have said something, by not using my safeword… I failed.
Now, why am I talking about this when it’s so hard to write?
Because we see so much on here about mistakes Dom(me)s have made and ways they’ve fucked up and I think it’s important to remember that a D/s relationship - like any relationship - is a two-way street and that anybody in the dynamic can make mistakes and do damage.
Luckily, play stopped before damage was done but I need to reflect on myself and my choices and figure out why I didn’t speak up. Why I didn’t safeword. And why I let my prime directive to keep his property healthy, happy, and whole fall by the wayside - and allowed it to, instead, be supplanted by my desire to please him.
I’ll learn from this. We’ll both learn from this. And I’m sure this post will lead to conversation (as it should).
But in the meantime, I just need to make sure I’m remembering my prime directive and making that the center of everything I do - even if that means (especially if that means) I need to tap out.
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