You know, now that a day has passed, and I’ve gotten some sleep, I’ve come to the realization that Kim Jonghyun’s death is going to one of those that stick with me for the rest of my life.
I might outgrow K Pop, or lose interest in it one day, but I won’t ever forget the man who dragged me into it, or the feeling that I felt, and that I’m currently feeling, now that he’s left us.
It’s a celebrity death, but it doesn’t feel like a celebrity death, it feels like I’ve lost a sibling, or a parent.
I know that he’s dead - I’ve accepted that part. Anyone can die, at any time, he could have left his apartment and been hit my a bus on the street. As much as I wish he hadn’t died, or that someone had been there to stop him, I can accept that.
But for some reason, every time I think about him, I forget that he’s dead, and I have to sit and remind myself that he is gone.
And I grieve again, it might only last a second, but it’s a punch to the gut.
One day, I’ll be able to listen to his music, or watch a video of him, without getting choked up. Or see a picture of him, or a gif of him, and start to cry, wondering the all of the experiences that he’ll miss, the people he won’t meet, the things that he won’t get to do.
One day, I’ll be able to look back at him, and smile, and remember the good times, but I won’t ever forget this feeling, or him.
But don’t you dare tell me that I’m being over dramatic, because this is traumatic. It might have been different if he’d been 50, and, you know, had a chance to experience life, but he wasn’t even 30 years old yet.
I just wanted to tell my fellow Shawols, it’s okay to take this so deeply, because we’ve lost such one of the most captivating people to ever walk this earth.
And it is okay if you never forget this feeling, even when you’re completely grown, because it’s scaring.
But don’t get consumed by the grief.
Jonghyun wouldn’t have wanted that.
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