One of the longest days.
Today felt like one of the longest days. Aside from waking up at 7am and not getting back to a bed to sleep in until now (3:40 am), it felt like a long day.
Aside from having a packed schedule and socializing from breakfast to gold and alcohol, followed by board video games and alcohol, walking in the 20 degree weather until it got dark outside and everyone became cold hungry and tired, followed by more alcohol and attempting to go to a bar, it felt like a long day.
I think meeting new people is tricky for me. Iām not for everyone and everyone is not for me- this is inevitable. And although these people werenāt brand new to me, they werenāt familiar. Some gave me cold shoulder and side eye vibes- whether they meant it or not. I mean. I was a stranger/ guest attending and event of friends who knew each other. Not that they owed me anything but no introductions, connections were lukewarm or non existent. I didnt know if I belonged, granted Iām only here for a few days or whatever.
That, alongside just having short attention with my picky social skills. Games and such can only entertain me for so long before I disconnect or want to disassociate. Followed by alcoholism. While okay and understandable, I personally do not like the idea of drunkenness as Iāve heard and seen experiences of the after math or result and I myself also do not know what I am like when out of mental control and awareness. Would I be a threat to myself or others?
Anywho. With pressuring and pushing glasses and shots in my face, I pridefully cockily took them down. Water was offered and I rejected in a petty response as they wanted me drunk and then it would be easier to do a gut full of alcohol.
Fast forward. We are buzzed and we go to a bar. The bars line is huge and there are some unsightly loud ignorant people- it is a bar. And the interactions with neighboring waiting people was unpleasant. The number of people trying to squeeze in or acting and speaking messily because of alcohol made me want to leave. And I thought about it for the 20-30 minutes we were in line as others pushed or busted or had racist or snarky comments. And we were a few steps away from going inside. āI cant do this. Iām gonna just walk back and wait for yawl. Take your time.ā āAre you sure.ā
Silence. We approached the bouncer and I didnāt even try to take my wallet. āCan I go out this way,ā I asked as I started walking away from the club and began to google map the apartment our friend lived in near by. They texted me. I physically was okay, though tipsy, and just wanted an escape. I emotionally and socially and mentally did not want to do it. And they worried. But I just wanted to not go.
And then I began to drown in my thoughts and fears. I dont think there were regrets in that time, but I still felt bad. Why am I like this.
And the day didnāt end. Hydrating and feeding everyone when they got back took forever. I didnāt want them to return soon as I wouldāve assumed they came back for me. The cleaning up things was quiet and awkward. I couldnt tell if people were tired or giving me dark, shady but valid looks. I mean I fucking left them at the bar. I , the oldest, left them.
And when asked if things were okay, I couldnāt believe their āyeah itās finesā or the ādonāt worry,ā as I do the complete opposite. My heart was and is heavy. I suck. And as a guest, they are trying to help me have fun. But I sometimes think I dont need much. And some of these moments here and there were just that to me: much.
Iām sorry. But today felt like one of the longest days. Am I just an impatient asshole and therefore cannot or do not enjoy many things. Am I just so self centered that joy is only determined by me. Idk.
I guess we shall process. My anxiety and overthinking are like sand bags tied to my chest and legs. I feel heavy. I am heavy.
Where is the lightening and the light. Sigh.









