Burning across the horizon.

"I am my own creation, I am self-made" -Otep My face, myself Curious? ask me.  CURRENT MOONmoon phases

[lostinthehorizon]

Fin.

the life of this blog is coming to an end... something that I started with love and passion and anonymity no longer has any of these things.

I don’t feel safe here anymore nor do I feel comfortable sharing my inner thoughts, I can’t be fully honest, which defeats its purpose.

I still feel the need to keep a blog but it won’t be on here, there are too many silent eyes reading this and some others reblogging/taking my old photos out of context. This tumblr was never to entertain, it was just for myself, to express, and to remind me of the steps I’ve taken along the way. That said I do appreciate the people who have messaged me, supported me on here and in some sort of way, held my hand through all my changes.

So I won’t delete it (too many memories), but I’ll be moving somewhere else, I won’t publicly share where to, but if you want to catch up or keep reading about my messed up mind/curiosities/life, etc feel free to send me a message, I might not respond (so please don’t take this personally) but you’ve got nothing to loose.

thanks

[lostinthehorizon]

ariel pink - dayzed inn daydreams

[lostinthehorizon]

my lack of concentration and so much to do took me on a procrastination trip, which means a bike/tram ride to an opshop on a hunt and little buying & stealing spree. (oops.) but I finally have the book I've been looking for a long time about herbs and their medicinal properties & how to grown them properly and a jacket and dress and extra happy things.

I'm pretty much giving a lot of unconscious thought to my work and to what I'm meant to be doing. bah, don't know what i'm doing half of the time, but i'm sure some part of me actually does.

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maternal instinct

Today I did something that I wouldn't have even considered doing a year ago. Years from now I'll probably read this and think of how stupid it sounds, but i was terrified. I took a giant step out of my comfort zone and into the grownup world.

In between body shakes and having hot/cold flashes that paralyzed my body, my feet still managed to walk with him to the school and we waited hand in hand for the bell to ring. Past my initial fear, it actually wasn't bad at all, I even enjoyed myself, who would've thought... I watched them laugh and jump around, I listened to them talk over each other while drinking their massive milkshakes, I spoke a little bit and exchanged a few cute looks with my half, and suddenly I was on the train waving back and it was over.

Once again they had let me into their world and this time I was hugged goodbye, hugged.

It's quite possible that I felt a maternal instinct for the first time in my life. It was a very special and emotional moment for me that i don't want to forget, and I have a huge smile on my face as I type this.

I felt so much love inside me and so much gratitude. I felt like I belonged, like I was finally a part of something more than just one person.

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concluded.

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photos by Richard Avedon.

Today I got to see some of Richard Avedon's work in the flesh at the Ian Potter Museum of Art. There were some absolutely stunning and timeless prints, this ones in particular keep popping into my head...

[lostinthehorizon]

establishing its dominance

The sun was shining on our faces as we rode down the street in between empty buildings and the light breeze caressed our hair with a smile.

We could see it was coming but fuck it, we like taking risks, and we would honestly do anything to find the perfect place to get my tits out.

Another abandoned building, no security cameras, but fences all around, looked perfect but maybe too perfect... still no graffiti on the walls which is always a bad sign. 'We'll come back when the artists make the first move.'

We rode again, this time with the views of lightning leading the way, but nothing on us yet.

Bunnings. The places where I could spend my entire life. There were some guys drinking beers in the car park, 'how australian, It's not even noon yet.' There was still some light but the wind suddenly became cold. Every time cold wind brushes against my breasts when I'm not wearing a bra I remember Vex cracking a window open in the middle of winter saying that her nipples look better when it's cold, and this will always bring a smile to my face.

We spotted the perfect location, a metal door, grey, white and yellow, to match my cat eyes, secluded? nah, why would it be. It was in the middle of an intersection. We got off our bikes as the world around us became dark and angry, the match had been blown out.

I took my t-shirt off. A raindrop touched the tip of my nose, another one my shoulder. *click* *click* a couple of photos later we were soaked, you couldn't see past the heavy rain that was now pouring down. No bike lights, living life on the edge! but we had to get out of there as the wind was kicking us out. On our bikes it pushed us and pushed us, controlling our every move, our handlebars and we were at its will.

Nature was establishing its dominance. So strong, it had us at its mercy, and us, wet puppies, crawling back home with our tail in between our legs. It feels amazing to be reminded of who's the alpha and to be thrown around with a force that is out of your control.

I'll always surrender to nature. It has me on its leash.

[lostinthehorizon]

I feel like I treated myself today. I was not feeling too well when I woke up, migraines don't make life easier, but today:

I took some time this morning to write

left the house and went to my appointment with the physiotherapist

we talked about stress while he touched my face and pain (ouch)

I took myself to the NGV to look at some art, inspiring!

I walked around by myself and interacted with some installations pieces

I cycled and stretched a bit

finally watched Cam Girlz (http://camgirlzdoc.com) supporting independent artists

drank a lot of tea

[lostinthehorizon]

Colourful wigs

browsing wigs online... does this mean I'm almost ready to shave my head?

so well, now that I'm here... just in case I hate myself for going through with it, does anyone know of where I can find some good and natural looking colourful ones online?

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A super long orgasm that has no end.

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spring break

forever.

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we have this thing where I sometimes pretend to be dead.

Today my stress was reaching a new level and he gave me the look, 'come on' so I just dropped on the floor and he dragged me across the room to where he had prepared my heaven. He put me on top of our black latex sheet, brushed the hair off my face and wrapped me up and tucked me into it until I looked like a butterfly inside a cocoon of death. Then he left me there to embrace it.

For a few minutes I was truly dead and nothing else in the world mattered. There was no other world, actually, not even the world inside my head, just my body in its deepest form of relaxation, wrapped up and pretending not to breath. I was finally at peace.

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Am I overwhelmed and anxious and crying because this is truly and incredibly overwhelming? or am I overwhelmed because I'm getting my period very soon?

A question that I'll probably keep asking for the rest of my life.

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we made peace with and to each other and filled up all our glasses with sex and love.

*please don't reblog

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finally developed our disposable camera! this is exciting stuff...

*please don't reblog

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The first day of my last year of school. It's always an awkward and weird one.

*please don't reblog

[lostinthehorizon]

"I didn't say you could cry yet, did I? Breath in and breath out, that's all you have to do, you're not stupid, I know you can do it"

he pulls the belt tighter around my neck as the metal ruler hits me again.