Memento Mori

🌑

[lostnerdpanda]

To be loved by you, is learning that I could love myself too—

Loving you is learning to throw away the exta baggages that I’ve been carrying, so I could be light and start flying again.

Loving you is being carefree and confident, and learning that to love should not hurt that much.

Loving you is accepting my flaws and knowing that it is possible to be loved and to be understood at the same time.

Loving you is learning that to be loved and to give love is a personal choice that will make you feel safe and allow you to grow.

[lostnerdpanda]

This Is Not A Farewell―

As I get deeper into my thoughts,

I can hear the internal yowl.

Inconsolable by your untimely passing,

what's the worst thing that could happen?

Death came way too soon.

There is no one here that is ready

or powerful enough to bid.

Saying farewell to you,

is a pain that can't be reversed.

The sorrow we feel is so immense,

and it felt like a curse.

[lostnerdpanda]

DILEMMA

08/17/18

I feel so empty. I have this feeling for almost a month now but I kept on ignoring this. I'm too tired of being back to my old self where I blame myself for almost everything. I'm too tired of waking up from having a nightmare then feeling physically drained even the day has not yet started. I'm extremely tired of dramas I think I only created just to pity myself. I don't want to punish myself for having things beyond my control. I'm tired of laughing all day then sending myself to sleep after crying for no reason at night. I don't want this kind of loneliness despite sleeping beside my loved ones. I am trying my best to appreciate all the good things God had given to me but then sadness wouldn't leave my system. I can see my mother's genuine smile and yet I am too empty inside to write poetry about it. I lost interest in everything that makes me feel alive. I can no longer play with words just like I love to do before. It looks like all the colors are having the same hue as black. Help me.

[lostnerdpanda]

Ang Katapusan

Naubos na naman ang likido na isinalin sa lampara.

May mga kaluluwa na naman na gustong kumawala.

Naiwang alab ng buhay nawala na naman sa hulma.

Kapit sa pag-asa unti-unting mawawala.

Tinatahak na daan bigla naging hindi tiyak.

Matingkad na kulay itim lumaganap na naman sa loob ng hawla.

Sa paglubog ng araw may dalawang luhang papatak.

Isa para sa paglisan at isa para sa katapusan.

Maiinat ang mga lubid kasabay ng pagtigil sa paghinga.

Kinabukasan pagsikat ng araw isang nanlalamig na basura ang sisilay sa umaga.

Maririnig ang pighati ngunit walang magsasalita.

Lilipas ang sigalot, matitigil ang pagluluksa.

Mabubulok ang walang kwenta at magiging pakinabang na sa lupa.

[lostnerdpanda]

Laro

Sa larong ito,

ikaw na naman ang talo.

Ikaw sapagkat ikaw ang hindi makatiis.

Ngunit tulad ng dati,

wala ka pa ring gagawin.

Hahayaan mo ang mga bagay-bagay.

Ipagsasawalang bahala ang bugso ng damdamin

at hahayaan na lang ang sakit

na kusang umalis.

02/02/18

[oddfilmstills]

[lostnerdpanda]

Uncertainties

Choosing what road to take is like being with you. Full of doubts, boundaries, and whatnots. Ours has a line that is not meant to be crossed. Even the strongest emotion will not rebut the unstated rules. When it comes to you, being uncertain is a usual thing. Uncertainties always filled my heart provided with the mystifying gestures we both had for each other. At one time, I can manage to condition myself that there is nothing with your acts then there is my hopeless heart. Telling me that there is something. Something needed to be interpreted. Something magical. Something to hope for. But then again, there is the line. The line that is not meant to be crossed. My hope will be killed by that line. My heart will be shattered into pieces because of that line. Then I will come to my senses. You and I do not have anything to hope for. Ours is just a fallacy created by the false hopes I assumed. Ours is just a fairytale. Ours will never be possible. Ours is just a dream I will never have.

[lostnerdpanda]

keep going [?]

[lostnerdpanda]

Malamig na Kape at Tigas na Tinapay

Malamig na ang kape at tigas na rin ang tinapay. May higit tatlong oras ko na rin kasing hinain ang mga yon. At sa tatlong oras na lumipas, iisang bagay pa rin ang laman ng pighati kong utak.

Kamatayan.

Mahigit tatlong oras ko ng pinag iisipan kung tutuloy pa ba ako sa panibagong araw o mananatili nalang hanggang ngayon.

Handa na ang lahat.

Naihanda ko na rin ang mga liham.

Liham na ginamitan ko pa ng magagandang salita upang huwag maging masalimuot ang aking pamamaalam. Muli akong napasulyap sa malamig na kape at matigas nang tinapay. Napaisip ako kung ano ang dapat kong gawin. Iinom ba ko at kakain o tutungtong upang tumalon?

Malamig na ang kape at tigas na rin ang tinapay.

Sandali kong ipinikit ang pagod ko ng mga mata at dinama ang panandaliang kapayapaan. Dagli-dagli nag-unahang bumuhos ang mga masasayang alaala.

Ako'y isang anak,

isang kapatid,

isang kaibigan

at isang nilalang na minamahal ng iba.

Nagpasya akong dumilat na. Kinalma ko ang aking sarili at nilagok ang malamig ng kape sabay kagat sa tigas nang tinapay. Sana pala'y kanina pa ko lumagok at kumagat. Kanina bago lumipas ang mahigit tatlong oras. Sana'y maiinit pa na kape ang dumadaloy sa aking lalamunan at malambot na tinapay ang nginuya ng bibig.

[atraversso]

[bonheure]

B O N H E U R E

[lostnerdpanda]

my kind of night 💞

[lostnerdpanda]

Estranghero

Di tiyak kaya huminto. Kulang sa tapang kaya lumiko. May kakat'wang damdamin at takot mabuko. Di maamin ang dahilan kaya sa iba nagtungo.

[lostnerdpanda]

hakuna matata

[lostnerdpanda]

Panandalian

Humina ang bugso. Pumayapa ang dagat. Natigil ang unos. Lumitaw ang araw. Natuyo ang lupa. Humupa ang baha. Nagdiwang ang may buhay. Sumibol ang bunga. Kasiyahan ang dulot ng panandaliang pagtigil. Sa panandaliang paghupa kapayapaa'y nalikha.

[lostnerdpanda]

Letter to Him

Warning: An overrated work of infatuation.

Im glad. Glad that after three years, you noticed me. I wished for this moment but I never thought that this would happen. No words, no hints neither possible signs to confirm that what you feel for me is the same feeling as what I had for you. Uncertain. It's the path we are going because I am not sure if this magical thing I am feeling is only one-sided. Sorrow. Sorrow is whenever I dream of us and it only led me to disappoinments and heartache because the possibility of us being together is raised to nothingness. I am bewildered. I am too confused between the idea of falling in love and a genuine feeling of love. I am terrified. I am terrified with this strong feeling because it might fade. I am afraid that this wouldn’t last because it was too strong to believe and too early to have. But then, what I am certain is you never failed to fluster my whole system with your presence. You never stopped putting rainbows in my world with the use of your words. You never dissatisfied the inner desire of my heart which is having real happiness. I am creating more and more rooms for you in my life as the time gets older and older. You’re becoming my drugs and maybe, I am already addicted. I am already a you-dependent living thing. I am certain. I am sure. I am certain and sure that I want to keep you forever. I want to hold your hands forever and live a simple life to eternity.

Love, Alliah ❤

[melisica]

[lostnerdpanda]

not when Im praying.

[ashleymacleanblog]

My mind will always be my biggest enemy.

(via confessing-emotions)

A L W A Y S

[teenangstverse]

i’m lonely and i don’t know how to make it sound like poetry anymore. it’s just that i used to fall into friendships. it’s just that most days i want to fall into my bed or my grave and these bones are too fragile for show and tell and i’m like muesli with worse mental health and i don’t want anyone to look at me except that i want everyone to look at me and i don’t know what to say i don’t know what to say i don’t know what to say to anyone anyway and last year my best friend moved 413.4 miles away.

L.H (via teenangstverse)

. . .