Payapa, presko, sariwa ang simoy ng hangin ng hapon iyon. Nanditon ako sa paborito kong lugar, sa tuktok ng burol sa tabi ng puno ng madre cacao. Nakikita ko mula rito ang kabuuan ng sitio Muda, na para bang inaaya akong kumuha ng lapis at papel, tubig at pintura, para itala kung ano man ang nakikita ng mata ko. 14 pa lang ako, bata, hindi alam kung saan patungo, wala pang direksyon. But I was there, looking at the scenery. It was so serene, so peaceful, my mind is at peace, and so, is my heart is contented.
During those days, I was so contented. I had no problems, no stress, no responsibilities. I am free and I can feel it. Every sunday, nagpupunta kami doon sa simbahan ng kaibigan ni papa. Doon kami nagsisimba. Hindi ko naman naiintindihan, pero sumasama ako. Lagi ko siyang nakikita doon. tumutugtog ng gitara, minsan naman drums. Pagkatapos ng praise and worship, mauupo sila doon sa likod ng upuan namin. makikipagkwentuhan siya doon sa mga kuya kuyahan niya. I never knew that I would feel something for that kid. I was never ready. Until one easter sunday. The church held an activity, we were to find eggs and notes with numbers in it. I was only looking for a note. thinking that it was probably hidden somewhere near me, around those chairs. I never intended anything.
Umikot ako sa mga upuan. I was looking downwards, thinking that the note was hidden under the chairs. Suddenly, I stopped. there's a pair of shoes in front of me. That day, I made the biggest mistake of my life, I raise my head and the moment I saw his eyes, I was dumfounded. I see fireworks, drum beats and everything is blurry. Parang hinihigop ako ng mga mata niya, parang nakikita niya ako, yung totoong ako.
Dahil bata pa ako noon, I didn't know what I was feeling. I thought, I was just infatuated. I was happy and inspired. Naalala ko pa ung chant ko non sa mga stars sa langit "starlight, star bright, I wish I may, I wish I might have the wish, I wish tonight" tapos pinagdadasal ko na mapansin nya ko. Kahit mag-smile lang siya sa akin o kaya mag hi.
Pero lumipas ang maraming mga araw, pumunta pa ako sa bahay nila, sinama ako ng mama niya, pero tinitigan niya lang ako sa mata. Hindi niya ako pinansin. Ni hindi man lang siya nag-smile sa akin o kahit kaway wala.
Tahimik lang ako. I never talked to him, I never initiated anything. Lagi ko siyang nakikita doon sa school ko. Kahit na magkaiba kami ng high school, pumapasok siya sa high school namin. kasama niya yung mga kaibigan niya. hindi ko naisip, baka meron pala siyang pinupuntahan. pag dumadaan siya sa classroom ko, halos mabali yung leeg ko, just so I could follow him with my eyes. I was pathetic, I am pathetic.
I was silently hurting the whole time. Silently hurting realizing that I can never keep up with him nor compete with those who likes him. He was way above me and I am nothing.
during those days I am not into social media. But I was jealous of those who can openly admit that they liked him. I was jealous with my classmate's younger sister who claims she likes him. Although I know, I don't have rights to be jealous. I was actually hoping that I will have him because our parents are friends. I am toxic but I was silent.
