lost wherever

[lostwherever]

pikkuhiljaa

[olive-on-the-move]

[atrabili0us]

i’m stuck between wanting to be dead and wanting to experience new things

[lostwherever]

For some reason I want the people close to me to know as little about me as possible. I don't like feeling exposed or being asked questions about my plans. I like to keep them safe inside my mind. Maybe I am afraid of failing and everybody would find out. I don't like being under pressure. 

My relationship is falling apart and while I don't want it to, I feel as if there's nothing I can do. I don't know how I feel anymore. This person is closer to me than anybody but now he seems like a stranger. Makes me feel lonely. I don't know if I am lonely. I have lived in this city for 2 years but there is nobody here that I want to call. Nobody I want to have coffee with or tell my secrets to. If I ever expose some personal detail about myself I immediately regret it. And I can feel bad about it for weeks. But I'm perfectly comfortable to write about these things here. As long as none of those people are reading this, of course.

I wonder if people find me mysterious or cold. I'm nice to everyone but I don't let anyone get under my skin. I'm vulnerable. It was so nice to have someone who was always there for me and who would make me feel normal. Now it's just me and my thoughts.

[lostwherever]

+++

is it weird that I'm already dreading new years? I just want to hide somewhere and eat pizza.

[lostwherever]

jeez

I sort of hate you but I can't stop wishing you'd say 'hey'.

[trashythings]

[lostwherever]

when i was young

I wanted to be a writer, and write stories, wonderful stories about lives that only existed within my mind. And I would write, every day almost, my head was full of creativity and my imagination was always running wild. I wrote short stories, but my dream was to write a book, a long one. 

And then one day I became very sad and I stopped. I was in pain, for so long, like someone had ripped my soul out. Writing was always on my mind, but I had nothing to write about anymore. 

But I am still young, only 20. I can still write. I just need to learn how to, again. Bit by bit. I miss it.

[lostwherever]

you told me I was like the Dead Sea

you'll never sink when you are with me

[lostwherever]

let me in let me have your best

love grows and it's beating in my chest...

[lostwherever]

i am young, but not really

we are both eternal and momentary.

we are built up by atoms and molecules, billions of years old

inside us we carry pieces which are now distant stars

pieces of our relatives

and the whole human kind

i will only exist for a fraction of the blink of an eye in the history of the universe

funny how we can be so eternal and yet so incredibly finite.

[lostwherever]

you and me in our underworld. the sound of intimacy.. raw, passionate, real you put me at ease, you tell me to lay back, to close my eyes and feel

i open up and listen.