Dancing on the moon

@lotusamaryllis

Hello You, who just stepped into my world. I am sorry but this place might not be good for you. It might be too negative or sad or stupid and sick. Please, if you are not okay with such things, please leave. I dont want to ruin your mood. Thank you and have a great day! -------------------------- This is the diary of a suffering girl, that is always trying but keeps failing and is slowly fading away... -------------------------- # Life with disorder and disease

29 posts

27.05.2018

I didn’t wrote for a while here but I think it’s time.. Time to let out some emotions again.. I am completely back to being the old me. The me who is always sad, always lonely, always depressed The me who can’t stop thinking about self-harm or even suicide The me who doesn’t know what to do anymore.. I am destroyed I fell in love and I got hurt again.. just like always. I don’t know why I was so stupid to even let it happen? Why did I thought he would be different then others? Why did I belive in his words? I thought.. this time, I’m going to be different, I don’z keep everything about me secret.... I thought things would be different then, maybe I wouldnt be kicked away so fast... But I was wrong I got hurt again.. and this time it hurts more than the other times.. I really didn’t expect it to happen so soon.. Even though I opened up and did things I have never done before... It was all wrong.. I am wrong.. I am an error I dont know for what I live or why I should try to keep on fighting.. There is nothing that could give me a reason to stay here I feel so lost Lost in this world.. I cant escape.. I am too sad and depressed, I’m not even able to hide into my own little world I’m currently sick and there is no one who told me to get better, no one who get worried about me.. no one who want to spend time with me, no one who want to talk to me, no one .. no one I am alone I wonder what I am supposed to do Bad things happen every day and there is nothng I can do, nothing I want to do.. I just want to vanish, wither away into another world I don’t want to suffer like this anymore... I have had enough of this Family, Friends, Love, Work, Study, Goals, Future, Happiness,.... All that and many other things Doesnt exist for me I will be gone, I have to leave in order to become happy There is no other way anymore Im sure Im really sure about this I cant keep up with this kind of life enduring pain, struggling, running with heavy weight of stress and problems, swimming in my tears, drowning,... I cant anymore I lost this game I give up completely soon soon Nothing will stop me this time

6th May 2018

Again and again and again and again and again and again.. Why am I always so stupid to believe in lies? Why am I always so naive? Too naive... I keep believing those guys that tell me sweet things and make me feel like I were something special. Why am I so easy to fool or play around with? Was I born to be nothing but a toy or a tool that is there to be used by lonely or bored people and then just get thrown away? I really wonder why I always let these people come close to me.. Maybe I am just a masochist who loves to get hurt? Even though it makes me sad so much and its hard to not cry... I am a masochist because I let myself grow feelings of love... loving someone.. Someone who is going to get rid of me after 3 or 4 months. That’s how it is. How it always was. For 5 years..every year the same pattern. >> In the first months of the year, someone gets close to me, wants my attention, wants to know me and spend time with me.. First I am unsure about it, dont know if I could believe and trust.. but afetr some time I open up, I grow some kind of feelings and eventually fall in love. Of course I wont tell it because Im just too scared of losing that person. >> I will have some happy time with that person, feeling happy, imagining things and want to know more and want to get closer and everything... But Im not easy and dont have a happy life and might talk about sad stuff or I am just slow with things because Im scared or insecure about myself.. >> Because of that, the person I fell in love with stops being interested in me, talks less with me, starts to not have time for me and have one excuse after another... and I get more and more sad, lonely, depressed, because its my fault. >> I try to ignore myself and my feelings and just want to keep connected but things are different already, I destroyed everything and slowly everything will break.. there wont be daily contact and soon no contact at all.... >> Then during summer, I am always very very lonely and sad and depressed and thinking about death or hurting myself and all.. my birthday in august is hell and all I wait for is the end of summer, planning secretly to kill myself by the end of the year. >> Autumn time is an okay time for me then. I got rid of feelings, I am dead inside and ready to leave. I pretend everything is fine and I am happy, enjoying Halloween and spend some time with family or ‘friends’ to create some last memories >> When new year finally comes and I am ready, I somehow meet someone who starts being interested and everything begins again, in the same order,... Maybe this time, I should run away and just cut and quit everything where I could meet someone so nobody wont stop me. my stupid feelings are too stupid and always make me feel too much which makes me stop thinking about suicide. But this year, maybe I really will do that.. maybe I shouldnt wait until new year this time. I really dont want to live anymore... dont want to be close to anyone anymore dont want to get hurt again and again I dont want to feel lonely, missing someone and cry myself to sleep my body is in pain anyway.. to live in that body is a torture also.. Dying is probably the best option I have for now. and who cares anyway broken or lost toys and tools can just get replaced for something new I had some little happy times at least Maybe I can keep these memories I want to keep them

28 April 2018

This blog is truly just for my negativity to come out.. I wonder if its the right way to get rid of my feelings?.. Isnt it better to talk to someone instead of writing depressive sentences? Probably not. I will not bother and annoy other people with my worries.. I have learned that. I am a person who has to be available for whenever someone wants something.. could be anything. But when its me, who need some help or just some company,... no one has time for me. Everyone suddenly too busy with stuff and it doesnt matter at all how I feel and what I thnk or want. I have learned that. I really, really want to be selfish and just do whatever I want, go wherever I want to go and say whatever I want to say.. I really, really want to stop tis kind of life that I have right now. .... But how is that possible? I dont think I can change anything.. Im trying so many times but nothing happens.. im always weak, nice, naive,..bad at saying ‘no’. Well... anyway, I’m actually feeling very sad and lonely.. Everyone was too busy again.. He didnt even had one second time to write to me.. I slowly start to think that I’m not likeable at all... not important, not worth anything. I just have to do something when he wants. If not, he makes me feel bad when he gets disappointed... And I blame myself for everything. But I cant help it. I got these feelings for him.. and I dont want to lose them. I just wish.. he would think similar about me .... Something only possible in my dreams I guess.. makes me feel sad. There is an event here.. and there was fireworks yesterday.. I wanted to watch it with him.. I wanted to talk to him.. I made time for him but he was too busy.. too busy to not even able to reply my texts... I didnt bothered him or anything.. but i asked earlier what he is doing and he said not much..... but why he then say its a busy day.. I dont understand ... Today also,.. no good morning, no heart no nothing... I think,.. I dont want to think that but i have the feeling that im already gone from his mind.. ah im starting to cry.. I hate myself.. and when he is gone also,... i really dont know why i am here. I dont want to be all alone... I should but i dont want.. i cant... .... ....

24.04.2018

It happened again.. I disappointed and hurt one of the most important people again.. Why am I always doing that? Why can’t I just make them happy? I don’t understand it.. really. And it annoys me so much, I hate me so much and I don’t know what to do. If there is anything I could actually do... I feel like a failure, everything I try, everything I want, every chance I get,.. I destroy everything, make things worse.. I wonder how much deeper i can fall.. i keep falling, falling, every day. Sometimes I look up and see some light and try to climb up but I’m way too weak for that. I feel so lost and alone and I doubt anyone would be interested in trying to understand me and maybe support or help me. I think that is my fate. I am meant to be alone, depressed, sad... I can’t open up to anyone.. What am I? What am I supposed to do? Should I just give up? I wanted to leave this world some years ago already.. But i couldnt leave because of my baby.. but since he died last year in november, i dont know for what I keep trying... for what I keep living.. There is no meaning, especially if all you do is hurting others. I’m so done with it, with myself and the life I am living... But still... I like him.. i like him a lot and all I want is to make him happy... Why can’t I do this? What is my problem? I wish someone could tell me.. I was really feeling down when I started this post but while I was writing, a friend contacted me.. and thanks to him I feel a bit better. He is always nice, and caring and funny.. spending time with him really raises my mood. I am thankful that I have at least one friend. Even though I dont talk about personal stuff with him. Random fun is fine to get distracted from pain. I wish, the person I like.. would be share more random stuff with me too. He only wants to do these certain things and I know that and its totally okay but to just spend time together without these attempts would be fine too sometimes.. But I think he just likes me for that.. there are no real feelings.. and that makes me sad. I want real feelings and hear his voice and be happy and do things, different things.. play something, watch something, talk, and yes his fav thing too then.. But its not what I will get.. Even though he is nice to me, understanding more or less, saying beautiful things to me and give me the feeling of being something special,.. I also get so much pressure and misunderstanding.. and it hurts. My emotions, thanks to him, are a mess. Running like crazy between happy and sad... im so so so overwhelmed .... Anyway, have to go out to clear my mind.

March 27

So I ended up having a terrible and disappointed day. Not that it is something normal for me... But this time it’s not because of some other person being annoying or something, .. It’s simply just because of me. I am a failure, and a huge disappointment and I wish I could just be a person he would be able to have fun with. I wish I could say and write what I really think and feel and what I want to do.. What I imagine and what I want him to do. Even though he makes me feel so happy sometimes.. I always fail at making him happy too. I dont deserve him at all. Someone like me, unable to express feelings that way.... I feel so bad for giving him so much boredom. I really wish I could change... I’m sad. Nothing in my life is working well and I am the reason why everything is falling apart. Why am I even still here.... Trying to be useful, trying to help.. trying to be something I am not. But what am I? What am I to him? What am I to my family?.. Why no one of my ‘friends’ ever contact me? Am I so worthless ? Or am I meant to be alone? Crying myself to sleep, trying to figure out what to do... I feel so awefully lonely and sad right now. I want to disappear and everyone should just forget about me. Even though I will vanish completely then.. I hate my life so much and i am so pathetic to whine about everything right now.. But whatelse could I do? Since I am not able to make anyone happy or give the feeling to be loved and wanted.. I am slow, and shy and insecure and not confident.. I am always scared about many things and I’m too sensitive.. clumsy and naive. Thats why people keep leaving. I am not loveable, unwanted and a nuisance and annoyance to those that come closer. I am really really sorry about everything. I’m sorry that I am the way I am.. and I am sorry for letting you come closer. I know, whenever I open up to someone a bit, its going to be a fail and I am just wasting their precious time. Please forgive me.

march 25

aaaah im so annoyed so so so so so so so annoyed of everything.. especially HER! How can someone be so so so so so lazy? its not understandable for me... i dont even know why i am so annoyed of her.. it has nothing to with me.. maybe.. im not sure.. I just dont feel okay at all.. a day has 24 hours... no one should sleep 16 hours and stay the rest of the time awake in bed............ My roommate.. that girl... i cant stand her and her laziness.. i cant do anything here and feel like i am in a cage or something.. just because im not selfish.....

but i am very emotional and sensitive... and i am crying now...

I want to chat with him and be in his arms please and feel safe and protected and happy >< <3 love is scary but i enjoy it.. scary zhings are intersting and idk.. it just feels totally okay.....

March 1st

March already.. first day of spring.. It’s actually pretty cold outside.. there is a lot of snow and freezing wind.. Even though I really love cold weather and think its much better than summer or sunny weather... its so painful for my hands, feet and face >< But anyway.. I feel like I have to write a blog.. something to clear my mind since i cant dance it away right now... I am so confused.. just like always.. and I’m scared.. im scared im getting too attached.. thinking too much, feeling too much, wanting too much.. All too much, too much for me What should I do? I might run away soon.. or get really sad and depressed.. I dont know what will happen but atm, its really not easy for me what am I supposed to do? I hate feelings... especially when they dont make it clear what they actually want.. what I am feeling or thinking about someone.. I dont want to fall in love I cant Aaaah i hate my heart and thoughts so much ......

20/2/2018

Aaaah I’m feeling terrible. Maybe it’s because I was too long awake last night and not sleeping enough.. My mind and my mood is so disturbed by things I don’t have a name for. Even though the day started okay-ish, I ended up eating too much and I feel so bad now... I can’t stop thinking about getting rid of the cookies I ate but... I’m too scared of the pain and.. I don’t want to be like that again. I mean, I’m fine being sick and trying to lose weight as fast as I can but I really don’t want to let mia in. But the wish is so so so so strong right now.. to just do it... And that’s why I’m writing now.. to get distracted and to let my stomach rest a bit. I didn’t calculated yet, what I have eaten today but I will do it.. even though i’m a bit scared because I know.. because of these stupid stupid cookies, i destroyed the number. I hate myself for it. Therfore.. tomorrow.. I REALLY HAVE TO FAST or at least, eat less than 400 kcal.. I can do it.. I know i can do it. Other than that, I kinda feel empty today.. I was leveling and reached the final level with him and what now? I feel like there is nothing to do anymore. Am I even needed anymore? I’m still weak and a noob support.. compared to other people from the game, I’m totally useless. I’m tired.. I wish I could sleep the half day.. wake up, eat and sleep again.... or skip eat and just sleep 24hours every day.. I still cant practise as much as I want to, I still have to study, work on the photobook and design the cover of another book.. and get the choreo done... and I was asked to build a little bed and I need ideas for the grave... so much to do but I doesnt do anything.. I’m just tired. I want to dance now... The only thing that really helps me cleaning my mind But I cant.. I hate being me.

14th February

Valentine’s day.. A day I would like so much if I wouldn’t be so lonely.. Always before Vday, the stores get so many cute things.. If I were rich I would probably everything.. And I would make chocolate and give it to the ones who are important to me... Well.. if I had friends or someone who actually likes me ^^’ I dont know why I am always alone, feeling lonely and sad.. I dont know why I cant change and say te things I want to say. Why cant everyone I want to talk with, learn to read my mind? That would be so much easier... Talking or writing about emotional things with others is so troublesome for me... I dont know why.... So today was another bad day.. I was thinking about friends... good and bad points of havin no friends.. and well, the good points are much more. Then I ask myself... if there are so many positive aspects of not having friends, why am I sad that I am not able to make any friends? Shouldnt I be happy about that? I still wish I wouldnt have any feelings.. But anyway, even though I had a bad day, good things still happen.. for example I didnt fail yet. I managed to eat less than 500 kcal for some days now. Im really really craving for food.. feeling hungry so many times.. I just drink and drink and drink.. coke, tea and juice (juice is not good for me so cant drink much of it)... Right now, while i am writing this, my stomach is crying for food.. I like that~ Such a good feeling to be good at something. Of course, starving is not the best thing to do or something someone should be proud of, but for me its really good. I wonder what i am doing with my food..^^’ I dont want to throw it away.. but i dont want to eat it either... Well whatever~ Tomorrow i will be busy a bit.. wish i could rebirth with him.. I feel bad that i had to say no to him x_x Lets see if i can level at least.. just waiting for him to say something...

February 5th

Not feeling well

Not feeling well at all...

It was a typical sunday (4th of feb) but for some reason, evberything was so quiet.. Nobody was online anywhere.. I didnt had anyone to talk to.. nothing to do.. I felt so lonely and bored and it made me tired... I am a depressed girl but when I’m surrounded by others in some way, I get distraction and its not that bad... But today... there was no one.. and I just let the negative feelings in an hug me.. they didnt leave yet, I am so so so down... And the weird thing is, even though I dont like to be depressed and i hate myself for being like that,.. I cant say good bye to it. I feel like these negative feelings are at least with me.. not leaving me. not wanting to leave me.. I dont have to be alone, i can just accept them and feel comfort...

I wonder if that is possible.. It’s true that happiness is something scary.. love is scary too.. it makes you hurt so much.. makes you feel too much.. I wish I wouldnt be able to feel anything.. especially this loneliness... I wish I could be without emotions.. since I am not able to express them anyway,....... I like to be surrounded by others, yet I cant open up and distance myself.. not talk enough or try to stay in contact.. I feel like a little fish compared to everyone.. a little ugly fish that is not supposed to live a long life. Why am I like this? Why cant I be happy? Because I am scared? Yes its probably that.... I want to give up and leave.. I will do that soon.. but when is a good time? There probably isnt the right time.. It will happen out of an impulse i guess.. Something needs to happen and then I go poof, fly away somewhere somewhere somewhere

january 29th

I’m confused again.. again.. just like always Feelings are so confusing, human comunication is someting I just dont get Why cant I be normal? Talk freely and not be scared? Why am I always scared and so insecure about everything? Why am I shy and suffer from my low self-esteem? I wish I could be different I wish I could be a normal human being... But I’m not And never will. I dont understand what I’‘m currently doing.. do i like this person that suddenly step into my life? Or am i just searching for a replace,.. someone who gives me some kind of love? I cant stand it to be alone and feeling so helpless and lonely... yet, I dont want to lie to anyone.. I want to be honest but I dont know what I am feeling.. What are my true feelings right now? I wish someone could tell me Im so overwhelmed with this situation... And i cant do anything about it.. Im starting to get this feeling of wanting to run away asap But would i hurt anyone? I want to change and become a better human.. But I cant.. And never will be able to I want to dance and forget anything, all emotions and feelings.. I want to step into my own little world and stay there and be free from all this.. Please Let me stay there... I’m so scared here

january 9th

I dont like it and i dont like myself. dont like the way im thinking about it, or the way i feel about it. Yet, everything is the same as always.. thats the only thing that can actually happen to me am I right? There is no such thing as happiness or friendship, I cant compete, cant win against her. Yes, i really really have that stupid feeling that makes my heart run on speed.. but i dont have the slight bit of a chance. And even though i know that so very well... I dont stop bein an idiot. I am waiting for a message, something... I wish i could get a good night and a good morning every day... I just wish I shouldnt stop focusing on what i have planned... I mean, why am I crying about that when its me who wants to leave anyway? But.. why cant i be selfish sometimes? I want to be selfish too sometimes... and I dont want to be alone and feeling so lonely every day... I want to get closer to him, talk more, and open up... I am not able zo do so sadly.. And because of that, i will always suffer here.. struggling and cry I hate myself so much--- Right now.. i am waiting.. waiting for 4 hours already. And why did my tears come back.. ?? I know i said i was bothered by it.. to not be able to cry anymore but i got used to it and it was fine... now, they are suddenly back and i cry about every little thing thats kind of emotional...i want to stop this... but who knows.. maybe if i cry again so much like i did in november last year, they will stop again.. when i am empty again.. ‘Oh please let me become an empty emotionless doll who cant feel a thing.. please

january 8th

My mind is messed up, totally, completely

Why is that?

Because I’m yet not dead.

I still have feelings, other than I thought, I am still able to feel happiness... Yet, these moments of happiness are so so short and as soon they are gone, I am so incredebly lonely inside. It scares me.

Its already after midnight, but there was not a single person trying to talk to me the whole sunday.. No one was there, replying to me. ‘What am I supposed to do in these moments? I cant force anyone to talk to me just for a selfish reason. I’m sorry that i let my mood get destroyed by it.

I dont blame anyone.

But the loneliness .. I cant get rid of it

Do I want to get rid of it? I’m not sure.. thats what I know but i just want to know what i am supposed to do....... trying to dance it away, all these feelings.. But how can i dance it away when im constantly dizzy and also hurt my knee? I want to leave

want to hide myself forever

delete myself from ppls minds and vanish

how pathetic

31/12

Uhh what am I going to write or rather.. how am I going to start? Right now, my head is hurting so bad.. and walking or moving makes me so dizzy.. I dont know why this suddenly happens.. I feel cold and just not really okay..I’m tired.. and currently waiting for someone. Thats why I decided to write here.. because I had a really really bad day today.. :x I woke up because of noisy people, dropped a bottle of something to drink and made a mess at practice, i noticed that my foot hurts and i couldnt dance well (ignored it, danced the pain away and got even more pain later) I also fell and hit my head When going out to get some things, i forgot my music player and my 2nd pair of gloves... so it was boring and hands got hurt Internet on phone is an idiot today.. didnt let me use LINE or play ACPC When grocery shopping, all the things I wanted to get were sold out I was planning to bake some pizza rolls for new year for family because they like that.. I bought everything I need before, but the stupid supermarket didnt had the last ingredient i needed which is the most important one.... sooo in the end, i bought everything for nothing and cant make them. Then, its my head and health thats really annoying me. And I feel like a bothering person. No need to waste your time on me if you got better stuff to do :x.... Yes thats it... my unlucky bad day... And I’m scared of tomorrow (today, since its already 31st). Too much food everywhere, and have to be with family people.. and i dont like that. And I will feel lonely just like i felt during christmas.. becuase everyone has friends and family to spend time with.. Is it okay to say that im jealous? Jealous of too many things.. so many people.. u.u I dont like the 31st of december.. I dont like days like that... I dont like new years day.. I dont like all these people who do fireworks.. its scary and im worried .. I hope everyone is going to be okay and can go happy and healthy to bed afetr their parties.... I’m already feeling down and sad I still cant cry I dont want to talk about next year.. not much is going to change, the 1st of january is the same as the days before.. A new year doesnt mean a new start, a new life a new everything. I will remain lonely and sad .. i will remain struggling with all these things.. eduring the mess. Until I’m ready to go. And then? I hope I can find happiness then and be with them again <3 miss them so much Getting tired... maybe shouldnt wait anymore :x

December 19

I feel like I didnt wrote for a long time.. yet, its just tumblr that I didnt visit for a month. I’m currently more on my phone and writing down my thoughts in some kind of dairy. My phone is busy, so I thought I would just write here.. There is so much on my mind.. yet, I have no clue how to write about it. I have become more empty.. didnt know that this was actually possible.. But too many things happened, too many sad things.. My depression or simply just my mood got worse.. it feels like every light finally went off and I’m not able to see anything anymore. I can’t even cry anymore. Even though I wish I could. I’m too empty, I dont even have tears left. Am I going to be emotionally dead? Will I remain as a emotionless doll? I’m really bothered by this.. I used to cry so much, always, everywhere.. when I watch happy or sad things on TV, when I see happy families, when I think about certain things, when I’m lonely, when I feel sad or disappointed.. or stressed, and when I watched movies, animes,.. music also.. so many things made me cry.... I feel like I have lost something important. I tried a lot, to cry. And even though I feel like crying, my eyes feel like they are crying, there are no tears. It makes me feel even worse.. Lately there is someone who distracts me from the emptiness inside me. But what am I supposed to do? Who should i be? How should I act? I want to open up but I’m scared. I want to talk about my weird thoughts but I’m scared. I want to talk more, do more, ask some questions... but I’m scared.. or shy? Why can’t I be normal when I really want to? I fail. Always. I know this person also, will soon be away from me, ignoring me, not talking anymore. Just like him.. just like everyone. I hate myself for being so negative but there is nothing i can actually do. I should start the countdown soon. This place is too cold, too dark, too sad.. I cant wait to vanish and fnally meet the only (most) important little treasure again.

11/06

It’s already November.. I didn’t stopped by here to write for a while.. It’s because I feel too empty.. I don’t have words to describe my feelings anymore.. And there is no solution to fix it. I feel sorry for having these kind of thoughts. I feel sorry for being back at the only thing that can hold me.. I feel sorry for being alive, for everything I did and said, I regret being nice, I regret lies.. and the fact that I’m not able to open up to the one important person. I threw away all the chances I had and now there is no time anymore. The past months went from happy bright light to such a lonely darkness.. All because of one single person.. I wish I wouldn’t feel anything anymore. Life would be so much easier...

26/09

yes, i’m alone.. I am lonely I don’t think I have any friends left.. they all gone, annoyed of me, bored of me, I dont know.. I’m not good with family either.. not feeling close to anyone, not feeling happy at all. Why are humans all egoistic selfish or stupid creatures that only see money and themselves.. I don’t get it. Am I so different? I dont want to live here, I dont want to stay here any longer.. I am so tired. Tired, angry, mad, disappointed, sad, lonely.. thats how I feel.. and I cant do anything about it. I try to ignore everything.. I should try to only think and focus on myself too.. My weight, my body... just that. Until I’m free... Yes, I should simply just do it.

Dancing on the moon @lotusamaryllis - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag