Anxiety just doesn't make sense sometimes.
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@loudlyoriginalpaper
Anxiety just doesn't make sense sometimes.
Lavender essential oil is life changing though. Also, lavender bodywash and tea. 😂💜
I don't want to be someone's sidechick or the girl they choose when they feel forever alone, I want to be someone's endgame.
No time for fuckboys.
Ranked: The best Netflix original movies I've watched so far
Sorry, not including Bandersnatch, Christmas movies or the ones I dont remember. More to come. But here's what I recommend to watch right now. Got something I should add to my list? Lemme know below!
17. Dude
16. Nappily ever after
15. Barry
14. Walk ride rodeo
13. Benji
12. Set it up
11. I feel pretty
10. Isn't it romantic
9. To the bone
8. Battle
7. Brain on fire
6. Someone great
5. Ibiza
4. When we first met
3. Bird Box
2. To all the boys I've loved before
1. The Guernsey literary and potato peel pie society
Me: “Yeah I read all the time! I’m always reading a book-”
My books sitting unread on my bookshelf:
All the time as in twice a year 😂
“My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.”
— Maya Angelou (via goodreadss)
Save me, me
There's a sad girl trapped in a cold, dark room and I think its me. She has the comfort of a bed, a window and a tv. But her door is locked, except when she is let out to toil through the days. At night, she cries and cuddles herself to sleep. Feeling grateful for the warmth of her bed and consolation of her tv. She stares out the window every night, wondering what might.
Day by day, year by year, on she toils. With a broken soul and a numb mind. For she knows, she has to do it to survive. One fine night, she looks out the window again. With her numb mind and hazy sight, instead of staring at her hand on the glass of the window she can't open or break, she looks up. And then she sees, as far as her teary eyes can see. A tiny ball of light, far below in the woods, approaching her slowly.
Still unmoved and numb, with her doubts disguising as beliefs that she isn't the one. The one that they're coming to rescue. She sees three shadowy figures coming closer to the place that she thinks is her forever home. A woman, a man and a girl as tall as her leading them, as if they were her own. As they close in, her haze begins to smear and it looks like they've come here for her.
For the hundredth time in her miserable life, she comes up with a plan to escape the room. And again, knowing it won't work for sure and nobody can knock down the door, she crawled back in her bed. With cold breaths and heavy sobs, she burried her head in the pillows of shame. For she knows, she made the same old mistake of still hoping that she can be saved.
The three start to rush, trying to keep their mission a hush. With their flashlights in their hands, they break in through the tunnel. Not knowing where to go, they hold each others' hands and get ready to brave through the long night ahead of them. They run through the tunnels, towards the ladder. The man helps the girl up when she starts to fall, with the woman behind them, they head towards the halls.
The trio scatter in the shadows to find a way to reach the room that traps a girl in the dark. A girl who has given up and gone to sleep.
The man and the girl find a passage, hand in hand, realising the woman lost her way, they called out for her as loud as they can. Giving up, they moved on. Running in the hallways for a girl who thought she couldn't be found. Tired of the endless chase and the scary whispers in the dark, the man let go of the girl's hand, disappearing into the cold night.
Left all alone, she began to look for him. Conflicted of whom to save, her companion who made her less afraid or the girl who really needed to be saved. She sat on the cold floor, waiting for her flashlight to die. She looked at her shadow, sulking over her fears.
While fearing the worst of them all, time, she gathered her wits to finish what she started, once and for all. Amidst the scary whispers of the dark, she found a room with an all too familiar door. After a silent struggle and no help from the other end, she finally managed to unlock the door. Only to find an empty cold room, with the bed made up and the window down.
It seemed impossible what was in front of her eyes. Searching for an explanation, she looked where the girl always looked, outside. Stupfied, she looked on with her hand on the window, trying to find all that she had lost. This time, she really looked and it wasn't the ghosts of her past that she had found. But staring back at her, was the girl in the dark.
Touching from the other side of the glass, their hands met. For the first time in a long while, she saw her reflection looking into her eyes. Sad, confused, but not so numb anymore. And then it came to her, the one that she was trying to rescue, has always been her. The only person that can save her now is herself. The door is open and so are her eyes. So hurry up, me.
He's not the shoulder rest I need.
What I needed was an adjustable violin shoulder rest of a nice brand like Wolf or Generic. My violin teacher said Generic is a reliable brand, great for beginners, and its ‘good enough’ for me right now. But that is actually exactly what my mind told me about this guy that I dated.
I thought- Yeah, he's good enough, I can settle for him. Because I thought I really needed someone. I needed someone who I could laugh with, do fun stuff, be my goofy self, have sweet kisses, moments and more. And OMG was it too much to expect of a fuckboy.
Similarly, I got this cheap violin rest thing from Amazon and it turned out to be the opposite of what I needed. It was of some Made in China company called Longpai, not Generic. And I thought if I ordered from the official seller, it must be the legit thing. So, I received my order and I clearly knew it was a fake. But I needed it so I ignored that huge red flag and settled for it until my teacher told me its fake, also broken and of no use. I needed validation about such a basic thing that I knew already.
The same problem was with my ex. I thought I've known him since so many years, we’ve dated in the past and here’s someone I can already settle for, versus someone who I had to wait or look for, and do the hard work of getting to know the new guy. I knew he wasn't right for me. I ignored so many red flags just because I thought I needed him and the thought of finally having someone in my life comforted me.
Just like I was excited about receiving that package, I had butterflies about him. But having butterflies isn't t everything you need. I had no clarity of what it was, where it was going. What his motive was. The seller that sold me the product because he just wanted the money, while my ex just wanted to fool around and waste my time. They both misled me into thinking they're the legit thing.
Dating a fuckboy and ordering stuff online are absolutely the same. We fall in love with the potential.
Eventually, they both had to go. The returning part wasn't easy either, in both cases. For my violin rest, I was expecting someone to pick up my return for two weeks but I had to get it shipped myself. And I was trying to break up with that fuckboy for weeks too, but because I was so blinded my ‘needs’ and attachments that I couldn't let go. Once I did, there was no going back. And I knew I would have trust issues moving on.
I claimed against the seller and he compensated me on top of the return and now I try not to order from such sellers in the first place. The compensation I got from my failed relationship was the lessons I got from it. I know settling for something that just gives you fake butterflies is not for me. I also learnt how to read people better. How not to ignore the red flags. But most importantly, it made me realise my worth. That is not how I deserve to be treated, even when I dont think I’m worthy enough.
I have now invested in a violin rest of the double price from Wolf- an expensive but a more reliable brand. I did my research too, read all the reviews and also showed it to my teacher Before buying it. And it gives me the best support I need. I wasn't too excited about receiving it, because of what the last experience did to me. Similarly, I am hopeful that I will find a guy that I can rely on, who wont treat me like an option. And he won't be the next best option to settle for whenever I'm lonely and need a guy, but a really good one that compliments me when I don't. I wont put my guard way up either.
I could go on, but I think this metaphor has become already way too long. Its funny, but it made me realise a lot of things. Funny thing self awareness is.