Love Advice

Since 2013, I've been answering tumblr's questions about relationships, love, and any general life topics. Ask your questions and I will personally answer them as soon as I can. As always, I wish you all the best and feel free to write in if you have more questions. If you're curious if the blog is still active, it is and I place a date stamp at the bottom of each ask to show when I was last on. Link to North American Wellness and Hotlines About Me

[loveadvice]

hiii, idk if you're gonna answer this (your last post was in april 2) but we really really need your advice

my friend and i are worried about this friend of us, we don't know how to help her and adults around us don't help either, we read a couple of the advices you gave and you seem like you could help us<3

she dated this guy but their relationship didn't wprk out cuz her dad find out and he doesn't let her date anyone

the guy got really mad and now he's saying people that our friend is transgender when she's not and some classmates even mocked her in a sarcastic way

the thing is, that, it breaks our heart to say it: our friend is not "traditionally pretty" she herself has told us, and we even where there sometimes when people confuses her with a guy sometimes

we feel so bad and we even cried with her, people can be so cruel!

we wanna be there for her but at the same time she feels embarrassed that people actually believe she's trans. what we should do??

Hi, yeah I am totally going to answer it - The main issue with this blog is that it is anon powered so if I don't get an ask, the blog more or less stays stagnant. I used to do more things like write articles back in the day, but quickly found I didn't like that. Anywho, I'm still on tumblr posting, even if it isn't on this blog.

Being at the age where you want to date, but your parent(s) don't allow it certainly is tough. Honestly, I am surprised your friend didn't just go behind her dad's back (cus thats what I would have done lol), but it sounds like the guy she was dating was no prize either so maybe he (her dad) did her a favor.

It's a weird sad phenomenon lately that younger people have been calling other people trans if they don't get along dating wise. You're like the third person who's written in about this. Like this specific "we dated and broke up so she's trans" thing 100% was not something that was happening back when I was in high school (like 15 years ago) and I don't know why kids want to do this now because it just enforces transphobia and trans-folk end up catching strays. I'd hate for my gender identity to be used as an insult.

Back to your friend, I mean this definitely is a bullying thing. It must also suck for your friend because she dated this guy and had trust in him at some point, but now he is just making her life so difficult with all of the bullying he has been doing and encouraging. What you can do as friends is keep doing what you are doing. Continue to be concerned about her, support her during this time period, cry with her. This won't last forever, but it will feel like a constant pressure as you (and her) continue your school career. The pressure will let up as time goes on though, but your friend will be the one who lives with the thoughts.

I don't want your friend to also feel negatively towards trans people. When transgenderism is used as an insult, it can easily fester into resentment towards trans people, but when in reality, it's the people who are trying to shame you for your appearance that are in the wrong. A similar thing happens when boys call other boys "gay" and they end up homophobic because they see being gay as an insult. This can make someone obsess more over the statements made against them so making sure you give gentle nudges here and there if you end up hearing some negative thoughts about trans folk. I think it would be good to publicly defend transphobia if people are hurdling those things at her, but it will also be good if you guys can ask her if there is anything she would like from you (her friends) to feel better or how she'd like you guys to handle things if people say stuff to her.

What your friend can do now is to ignore people bullying her. I know that sounds like shitty advice or a passive thing to do, but it is very effective against bullies as a former chubby kid in high/middle school with a last name that people have made fun of. Bullies love reaction and they continue to bully or string along a gag because of the reaction it gets. If you take it away, they eventually get bored and move on. People calling her trans, that's already out there. We can't change that. But if this dies down, then people will stop talking about it. It will become a cringe thing someone might bring up a year from now, but other than that, it's just a phase. If she also learns to not react to it, then it won't hold power over her anymore because SHE will know who she is. If you want, if people are really putting pressure on it and they are egging you on hard you can just calmly let them know that there is nothing wrong with being trans and you are a CIS woman. Very plain, very boring reaction, and nothing that will make them think that you are angry about it.

I also don't want your friend to think all guys will be like this. Dudes are pretty shitty in general, but not everyone will be like this and you will find someone who will genuinely care about you. You may have relationships that end in the future where the people are actually very kind and amicable afterwards. It just might not be right now and just not with this guy. The idea of conventional attractiveness also goes out the door when you get older (like mid-20's) if you continue to work on your self-confidence. These things hold so much weight right now because we honestly don't know any better. Our preferences are always changing and we want to engage in the group think of what attractiveness looks like because it makes us feel like we fit in better and are more desired. All of this to say, don't let these people get to you. Things get better and in a few years, you will find that you will love parts of yourself that you once thought made you ugly.

[loveadvice]

hi! I have definitely gotten black out drunk before haha, i am just sober now for unimportant reasons. I am aware that you cant expect a lot from drunk ppl, but if they say hurtful things i find it really hard to hold them accountable afterwards because their judgement was so impaired, i think thats mostly the issue

Oh lol good xD My bad, I just wasn't sure and I appreciate you clarifying.

Yeah it's definitely hard to hold people accountable specifically for the things they said while drunk. Either way, they did do it and it did hurt and that puts us as the hurt person in a hard spot when it's someone we care about.

I think focusing then on talking to them would be the move for you. Either way, the time period we can hold them the most accountable is when they're sober so try to have a conversation to at least get clarity on what they said and if they really feel that way about you. Knowing if they are dodgy about it or if they are willing to discuss it more will tell you a lot in general

[loveadvice]

Hi hope you're doing well,

I'm recently went through a breakup, and it has me thinking about what's next. Nothing bad happened, feelings just weren't there in the romantic sense and it led to the breakup. I sound like a teenager when I ask this (I'm closer to 30 than I am 20) but how do you know you're experiencing love and not affection/friendship/attachment?

I don't think you should feel bad for the feelings not being there or certain expectations for your age. Everyone moves at a different pace and especially with how the dating scene and technology is now a days, people our age and younger will continue to have a harder time with dating. It's not impossible though, it just will require different expectations and intention.

Some people can just feel it out and they know by being able to differentiate a strong or gut feeling about their partner. Another way I think you can know if you are experiencing love and not just an attachment/friendship by asking yourself questions about how you feel about your partner and trying to be mindful about their place in your life. Like

- do you want to live with them because you not only can't bear to be a mile apart, but also admire/respect them and you both add such great mutual value to each other's lives? If so good; Or do you want to live with them because you need them so much that being apart mostly just makes you anxious? If so, not so good

- Do you hang out with them because it's fun, effortless, and you feel like they make you a better person? Or do you hang out with them because you just feel like you need the company?

- Are the conversations a few months into dating good because you both have mutual foundations and chemistry or because you are trying to entertain them?

Now if you want to be able to "feel" it out, what would help I think is actually strengthening your friendships because then you will know better what a friendship looks/feels like and be able to move on if you think the person you are dating doesn't fit you or if it feels too much like friend and not enough like partner. I do think always we should be friends with out partners, but a partner is a friend with a little extra something of a feeling.

Ultimately a combo of the both is best and be intentional with your dating. By be intentional, I specifically mean honing in why it is you like this person and why you are with them and the rest will start to fall in place. You got this

[loveadvice]

hi, hope you are well <3

i am looking for a second opinion on my situation. Me n my parter went to a house party a few days ago, and am a little annoyed at them over how the night ended.

i am sober, and at the the end of the night they were really drunk. Like cant walk in a straight line without falling to the side & unable to have any coherent conversation drunk. when we get outside i tell them that id like to walk them home for safety and we have a whole conversation where they bring up a lot of serious sounding stuff that they aren’t really able to elaborate on that to me feels unrelated to me walking them home to me. Like they are kind of somehow connecting their anxieties about our relationship into a reason why i should not take the like ten minutes it wld take to walk them home. At some point i get them to agree to me walking them home and then like half a street ahead they again try to convince me to not. Everything tells me that it would be much safer to go together, they are really struggling to walk/ get somewhere. It kept going like this and we were not getting anywhere at all and they clearly did not want me to walk with them for reasons they could not a t all explain so in the end i did leave. They did make it but also did fall over and break their phone somehow (luckily not hurt).

I really did not like how this all went down, but holding someone accountable for drunk behavior is hard, and all the serious sounding stuff they brought up theyve already forgotten about (i did not ask but based on previous experience is very likely). it does make me a bit worried about their alcohol consumption, but because i am sober myself i find it hard to judge whats ‘normal’ without being too critical. I dont know, do you have any insight into how to communicate about this and if i am making sense?

You're making sense though to make sure, from what I understand, it doesn't sound like you drink (or have been black out drunk before) and are wondering what is normal behavior for a drunk person and if your expectations of their capabilities are fair. I'm going to say the following not to be condescending, but to describe to people who have never drank before what it can be like to get drunk.

So most drunk people wont be able to converse with you. If people were more capable when they were drunk, then they'd allow drunk driving so just use that as a frame of reference. We can drive with one hand on the wheel, some people do it scrolling on their phones (though the really shouldn't), while eating, but people cannot do it while drunk because it impairs too much of your cognitive and motor abilities. I don't think that it's not that they didn't want to talk to you, but that they couldn't. Babies learn to walk before they can talk and this person couldn't even walk right so definitely they aren't going to be able to hold a conversation about a serious topic.

Expecting someome who is that drunk to walk anywhere even if it is just half a mile is like expecting someone with their feet tied together wearing someone else's glasses prescription to be able to do it. It's just not happening and I'm saying this both as someone who has tried to walk someone who was black out drunk and my experience of being black out myself. If my friend is really drunk, I usually just call an uber and have done it many times for friends who lived less than a mile away.

Most of the time, I can remember what happened and what I said/did while drunk so it can be that they're just playing it off. At the same time, I have 100% forgotten what happened while I was drunk. I've blacked out and came to and the entire room I was in's furniture had completely been rearranged and it was a jarring experience because I remembered nothing of how that happened, but I had somehow helped my friends move the couches and tables around.

What I will say is that if they said anything concerning, you can just bring it up to them in a sober environment because I do believe that if someone says something that is a concern while drunk, then usually they a bringing it up because it is something that is bothering them or on their mind. It might not necessarily be a 10/10 on the urgency scale, but it could be a very mild 3/10 that they felt like chatting about because they're being silly.

I get the vibe from you that maybe you've had some bad experiences around people who use alcohol in the past or are new to seeing people close to you drunk and I will say not everyone who uses alchohol is going to be doing malicious things and just because someone gets drunk doesn't mean it is a problem. It's a problem when it affects their daily life like their work or personal relationships, they use it to cope, they get abusive, etc. Getting drunk a couple times a month in college maybe pretty normal. My advice to you is to just talk to your partner about what they said and see what they say, just be like "Hey do you remember what you said the other night? Well you said XYZ, do you really feel that way?" Don't be confrontational and leave the door open to talk if they don't feel ready yet.

[loveadvice]

hey! are you okay? you haven't posted anything in a while

Hey! I'm doing fine, I just haven't received a lot of questions lately. A couple of folks sent messages with no questions in them which I usually don't comment on or respond to mostly because I used to reply to messages like that in the past, but I had too many instances where it turned out that they just wanted to vent or didn't have a direction they wanted to head in and my time's been more precious in recent years. Sometimes I just don't get messages for a month which is how it's been lately since Tumblr has been less popular, but I don't really mind it.

I am still on Tumblr though watching the inbox!

[loveadvice]

i've made a post here before but i made a realisation about my relationship that's scaring me. warning for mentions of d/v and mentions of s/a and the like…

i didn't want to post this on my main blog bc i don't want to bring harm to my boyfriend's name.

i think i might be in a bad relationship. i don't know if i'm gonna feel this way tomorrow or if this is just something i made up in my head as i'm writing this, but i was reading some articles about signs of d/v and some of the signs on there was terrifyingly accurate to some of the stuff my boyfriend does or has done.

he wants me to be a stay-at-home parent/spouse and every time i tell him that i'm worried about having kids and what it would do to me, he always tells me he'll "teach me" how to be a good parent. he's joked? about doing something to me in my sleep before (to be fair, it was just once). i feel like i can't say no to him about anything in our relationship, even if it’s something small and simple like a phone call. he's embarrassed me in public by making weird noises despite me telling him to stop multiple times and has made really gross comments to me, one time when it was near both of our moms and younger siblings. i had to frequently tell him to stop talking about it in front of them. he always texts me even when i’m in class (college) and he keeps on saying he forgets but i’ve been going for almost a month now… i don't know why but there's always this pressure for everything to always be about him him him and it’s weird and i don’t like it and i want it to just go away and die a horrible painful death.

for clarification, he’s never hit me or actually done anything to hurt me. he’s never insulted me or threatened violence against me. he would never do those things, he’s not that type of guy. still, the things he’s done and is doing feel very wrong to me, especially after reading that stuff about d/v.

i genuinely don’t know if i'm making a mountain out of a molehill right now since i've done that before about certain experiences i've had. people have told me to break up with him before and called him an asshole, but i just can't bring myself to leave him since he's my first love and i'm scared about him spreading rumours about me to his friends or doing something stupid (it doesn't help that i'm autistic as well). whenever it arises it's like there's an invisible wall i can't cross. i'm thinking of possibly breaking up with him or saying "maybe we should try being friends" after our anniversary bc i feel like doing it before or on it would be cruel/mean.

i don't know anymore honestly. i just need someone outside of my head to tell me if any of this is crazy or not. i know but i don't know, it's a weird middle ground to be in. can i do anything to get out of this or find a way to talk to him about this kind of thing?

The abuse aside, overall I’d say that you’re not painting a flattering picture of this guy. A lot of people who write in about their abusive partners will at least say one or two nice things about them to rationalize while they’re still with them even if it comes from a place of denial, but you’ve written about 5 paragraphs and have not said one good thing about this guy.

Like he can’t even remember that you are in college. That’s just leaving me speechless because how do you literally care that little to remember what goes on in your partner (let alone a friend’s) daily life and their schedule?

Even outside of the d/v with what you’ve described, I would tell you to break-up with this guy, but let’s talk about what you wrote in about.

I don’t think you’re making a mountain of a mole hill. I think this mountain has been there and you’re just seeing it for the first time or you’re seeing that it’s about to fall down on you and bury you.

I understand where you are coming from and I think you are doing there right thing here considering breaking up with him. With really any romantic relationship, I don’t believe that there is a middle ground. Middle grounds are extremely rare and only exist because both people have genuine respect and love for each other, but just happen to not be right for each other. This doesn’t look like one of those situations. I think you (as well as many people reading this) already know that abuse takes different forms and just because someone isn’t physically violent or isn’t constantly yelling at you, doesn’t mean it isn’t abusive.

You mentioned worrying about how his friends might feel: my hope is that you won’t or shouldn’t be seeing his friends after this considering how much of a tool this guy is. You don’t have any control over what another person does or says to someone else. Sometimes we just have to accept that and focus on living our best life and proof of who we are is in our actions. What does matter somewhat is what your support circle would think if you broke up because they are going to be the ones left after a break-up. That being said, the people around you have been telling you he’s an asshole.

I see a lot of people who say they don’t want to break-up with someone just because they are their first love, but you need to understand that it is a normal thing. Not a lot of us will get the fairytale one love for life. If you talk to most couples on the streets who are married, they will tell you they’ve been in love before with someone else. It’s okay and it’s why there are so many great movies about people falling in love and breaking up. Just because we fell in love with someone at one point, doesn’t mean you need to spend the rest of your life with them or that they deserve you. Falling in love isn’t meant to be a life-sentence.

My advice, break up with him and definitely do it before your anniversary. Would you rather spend a day feeling vapid, on-edge, and in fear for yourself while you’re supposed to “celebrate” another year together? Or would you rather spend it knowing that you’re free from this person and didn’t spend one more day than you needed to.

[loveadvice]

Hi first time asking and I guess I need advice on whether I am overreacting or not?

I was talking to my partner over the phone and we had talked for a while and I was kinda zoning out of the conversation until out of nowhere completely unprompted from me they said ” If my best friend asked me to leave everything and move to Africa, I would. Sorry (my name) I would leave you”

I was completely stunned when they said it and honestly heart broken. I am aware that this person there talking about is a person who is very dare to them and they have been friends for like over 10 years and early in their relationship my partner had a crush on them, that they say is long gone. I have never felt insecure about their bestfriend before this. And I have never ever asked them or even jokingly said if it was me or them who you choose, frankly I hate hypocritical like that cuz I don’t wanna know the answer. I understand people in there heads have hierarchy in of the people in there life but to say it so casually and without prompting made me so upset.

I told them how upset I was and how much it hurt me and they insisted that they weren’t being serious, it’s not like that would ever happen anyway and ” I though you would understand maybe you haven’t had deep enough friendship yet to get it”

All of that talk did not make me feel better and 2 days afterwards we had a talk about again cuz I couldn’t let it go and the conversation kind boiled down to ” I am sorry that the joke didn’t land I shouldn’t have said something so insensitive”

They seemed genuinely apologetic. And they insist it’s a joke that didn’t land, that they meant nothing about what they said. But I don’t know if I believe them and even tho we have talked about it I still feel upset and heartbroken about it and I having a hard time getting over them saying that. And I don’t know if I am overreacting or not.

Regardless of the crush, your partner saying they would drop everything and move to another country in general is not what you want to hear.

It's not a joke. A joke has a punch line and I don't like that people (guys specifically) always default to "It's just a joke" if they say something out of pocket that no one liked. Side note, but it really reminds me of this tumblr/twitch post.

I do get hierarchies and totally can respect that, but when it comes to specifically "who would I move for?" I think the partner should always be at the top of that. If they aren't, then what are you really doing you know? That's not to say that people should drop everything if they are long distance (saying this as someone who used to be LDR with his girlfriend) or that they shouldn't take that dream job across the country for a few years, but what I mean is that people should always be looking down the tunnel of life and see that end goal is the two of you living together at some point.

I don't think you are over reacting and I don't mean to stir the pot, but it isn't just that they said something insensitive, it's that they said they would leave you to go to another country with their friend. They said sorry, but they didn't say sorry for the way they hurt you and the full context of the impact of their words. And then they turned it around and said it's because you "haven't had a deep enough friendship yet??"

Like I'm getting upset just reading this. I think you are still upset because I don't think they understand why you are upset. You told me that you were upset because you were heartbroken, because they would move away for someone else, because it made you uncomfortable to push the boundaries of their friendship/heirarchy, and because it made you feel insecure for the first time about their friend. That's kind of a big deal and has a lot of nuance. However, what they apologized for was "sorry for my joke not landing and being insensitive. Maybe you need better friends" Shit dude, if I were you I'd still be upset too! I'm mad for you right now.

What you needed to hear was something like re-assurance in your relationship, that they reflected on what they said and understand how it made you feel worth less than when you should really be the one they would move for. You needed an apology as if what they said was 100% serious because you still don't know what it meant to them.

The next steps here are tough because you don't have a lot of control of the situation. I think it is totally recoverable, but it relies overwhelmingly mostly on your partner. I do think you need to have another conversation and let them know exactly what you felt and what you need from them and they need to react appropriately and not say this is was just a joke because it really hurt you (which is totally valid). Then they will need to have a genuine apology for you or at least have the genuine desire to give it to you even if they don't know how yet, but again it's up to them to have the ability and foresight to give that to you.

[loveadvice]

how do I stop loving him? He's married now, has a toddler and to make things worst he lives 2 streets down my house. I can't just sell my home just like that, I even purposelly don't go near his house. I did catch him (I think it's gramatically correct? English is my second languaje) staring at my house when he goes to his job. I mean, I didn't even knew he still had a thought about me but then I saw him again while getting out of my job and, I know him, it's painful for him too that we aren't together...

I'm over the situation, I mean, we didn't broke up because we wanted, and it was way before he got married. I'm just not over him

If you just want to focus on getting over him, simply put I think you should get rid of everything that you have of him. Whether that be pictures or keep sakes, you need to get rid of the reminders considering it has been so long that he has kids now. You don't need to move, but you need to get your mind off of him. I recommend you try meeting some new people so you can learn that there are other people in the world that you can learn to love. I hate to be as plain as "stop thinking about him," but you need to be mindful if you are just continually thinking about him and not reframing your relationship with him. It's been years and you've trained your brain to only have this one track mind when it comes to him and if you want to move on, then you really have to push yourself to move on and no longer think about him.

To cap everything off I highly recommend you start going to therapy so you can work with the help of your therapist to get over thinking about this guy and find out why you've been stuck on him so much over these years.

Posted January 27, 2026

[loveadvice]

i'm the last anon, i forgot to say that we are all adults and we live in a conservative city so, trans people do get weird looks. Even once in a while they get beat up by some jerks, not that often now but yeah...

Another friend of mine suggested that maybe the ex got hurt by the break up and that's why he's lying to people? Kinda for my friend to "never get a boyfriend" anymore or something like that

Oh I get you, if this is a "small" city, then I'd say keep with the similar advice to what someone would do in a school. If this is a decent/medium sized city, then you can usually get by walking down the street without someone knowing who you are so your friend should be good.

I agree with your friend that this is a possibility that the ex is hurt by the break-up. I think that is probably try in general. Honestly, who's to say what will and won't result in your friend getting a new boyfriend. The rumor if anything should snuff out a lot of bad apples. Like, do you really want to be dating someone who is transphobic? At the max end of this, you just end up with someone who is okay with dating trans people which is a pretty good win at the end of the day.

[loveadvice]

glad to know you're fine, hope you recover soon ☺️💕

Thank you! I'm back now! I had really bad food poisoining. At the same time, I caught a cold that lasted really long. I was bed ridden for a few days and was sick up until earlier this past week, but I'm almost back to 100% now.

[loveadvice]

i just found out something that has me in shock but i know i have to tell to my friend. Her ex has been lying to a lot of people that my friend is transgender. Like i said, that is a lie! Not that there's something wrong with it but my friend is not transgender. Why does her ex lies with something like that?? What if my friend asks me what to do?? What advice should i give to her??

It's a very interesting and a very specific lie to tell. I think you should tell your friend about it. Mostly because it is totally odd thing to lie about post break-up.

I think the advice depends on the situation you guys are in. If you guys are grown adults and the ex is telling the lie to people you will never meet, then there isn't really anything you can do and you should just let the lie die out. However, if you're still in school and the ex is going around saying stuff then that is probably the worst of the situations. Helping your friend with this is really more of reframing this to a question of how to deal with this ex's bullying. In this case, if your friend asks for advice, I'd say the best thing they can do is not go around telling people she is not trans unprompted. I say not tell people unprompted, because you don't want to do anything that helps perpetuate the lie or makes it appear that you/your-friend are obsessed about the lie and/or think it is a bad thing to be trans.

Think about it this way, if someone (lets call them person A) in a classroom of 40 said a rumor to five people in that classroom that your favorite color was green when it is actually blue, then you wouldn't want to go around to all 40 people and tell them that your fav color is blue and person A is a liar because it would make you appear really obsessed with the rumor and that in of itself becomes more entertaining to the classroom then the original rumor.

Now, why would the ex do something like that? IDK, they probably are kind of a dick and are mad at your friend for some reason regarding breaking up. I'd say they probably aren't too fond of trans people either if out of everything they could have made up, they chose to make up a rumor regarding your friend's gender identity as if that would become the ultimate insult. OR they started the rumor because they wanted to seem cool by saying they dated a trans girl. Either way, I think this ex has proven whey they aren't ready to be in a relationship.

[loveadvice]

Just a head's up, I see folks messages. I got sick recently so am just taking some time off to recover!

Jan 6, 2026

[loveadvice]

https://www.tumblr.com/love-advice-on-call/799783533166166016/oh-i-didnt-realise-i-didnt-asked-any-question?source=share

hi! same anon here, i wanted to send you a little update AND chat about what's happening now

my sister DOES KNOWS how her husband (my ex) feels but she loves him anyway and they are not gonna break up their relationship... she also knows that he did cheated on her multiple times but she cheated on him too... (being honest, idk how the fuck they do make their relationship work)

also, a guy (that i didn't knew he knows my sister and her husband. i mean, they have a friend in common) asked me out but i rejected him. he's not a bad person or anything, it's just that i got out of a relationship that hurt SO MUCH that i wanna be alone some time. turns out apparently this guy told my sister and her husband that i rejected him and, idk, the husband looks... relieved? AND he keeps staring at me when i'm not looking (my mom was babysitting my niece and nephew and asked me for help, that's where i saw him staring at me again, when he came to pick them up)

AND that's not it. now, my sister begged me to please babysit my niece and nephew this 19 and 20 of december for two hours each day. i couldn't even start to make an excuse that she told me i'm the only one she can ask for help cause our mom has things to do with her church, my older nephews and nieces are going camping and the rest of adults are working (i'm the one with more accesible hours) i couldn't say no to her, i REALLY hope i wont regret it cause she's gonna be there when i get in to babysit but after the two hours her husband is gonna come in and stay with the kids... see my dilemma? i'm gonna go crazy one of these days 🫠

Whoaaa and he cheated already? I'm glad your sister confided in you and told you that, but that is still very rough for her and their kids.

It's fair enough that you didn't want to go out with the guy because of the fresh break up. It honestly might be a benefit that you didn't go out with him because maybe it would be good if you started making friends outside of your sister and husband's mutual friends.

For the baby sitting and seeing the husband, I think my advice from last time should help to just keep your distance with him, be cordial, but don't linger and start a long conversation.

[loveadvice]

me and my partner have been together for almost three years, we are both 23 y/olds. Ive been struggling with some health issues and its been hard to talk about sometimes with my partner. I will tell him about it for a while and at some point he often end up telling me that he doesn’t know what to/say or how to respond. This is honestly in some ways pretty reasonable , like its hard stuff and it might be overwhelming to hear about. Ive noticed that for me its very hard to hear, it makes me feel like ive crossed a line/the conversation is over after that. I dont just want to dump stuff on someone and after a comment like that it feels like thats whats happening. Hes told me he does not mean it that way and he’s just expressing how hes feeling in that moment but that doesnt make my brain not like shut down. Id like an outside perspective on this because its really hard for me to place this. On the one hand i might very well be super negative and that can be hard to hear as a partner, but i also feel like in a situation like that its not about what you say just about listening to how someone is feeling? I think thats what fucks me up because its not like hes telling me he needs a break or that its too much and that i would be able to categorize i think. Anyways, an outside perspective would be really nice.

For me, I actually didn't know what to say for a long time when my girlfriend was having issues. I don't think you two need to have a break, but I do think you need to teach him how you want him to respond. As counter intuitive as that sounds, since we would like people to just know what to say, it's one of the best actions you can take and what worked for me personally.

He doesn't know how to talk to you about how you are feeling and the things you are going through so expecting that he might be able to figure it out or resolve it on his own is unlikely. Think about this scene from Modern Family https://youtu.be/wOmlo9xKoWU?t=181 At the end of the day, you know that he can't do anything to change the situation and he knows it too. All we might really want in that situation is support from our partner and letting him know that is key. He isn't going to get it right away and it will be trial and error until it levels out for him, but give him the chance to learn up on it.

So, all this being said, my advice, go talk to him and let him know how you've been feeling. Not necessarily all the stuff about his short comings in conversations and making you feel supported because you don't want to make him feel like he is being blamed/put-down, but that you want to work with him on his responses so you feel like you are supported. You know that it's not that you think he doesn't care or doesn't love you, but it's that you want him to be able to verbally translate that feeling of trust, vulnerability, empathy, and support so you feel it too. Let him know that when you say "Hey this thing happened again / I'm having a flare up / I just feel so tired because of my XYZ" that he responds with things that you want him to say like "I hear you, that is just such a terrible thing happening to you and that really sucks." or you say "I went to the doctor today and they didn't listen to my concerns!", you need to teach him to say things like "I really hate that, I can't believe people would go into a helping field and not help people, like do your job."

There can also be non-verbal things he does to help you feel better like maybe you tell him it's not a great day today and then he can react by doing things like fixing you dinner, maybe giving you a massage to help you relax (given he has the skill), or letting you pick out the next movie/TV to watch.

You have a very real problem and it is sooo common. In candidness, my girlfriend told me straight up that she would break-up with me like a year in if I didn't shape up and learn how to be more sympathetic towards her verbally. That really was a kick in the head and motivated me to do better, but I did have to ask her to teach me what she needed.

I wish you the best with teaching him what you need. I know it can be a bit tough or dreadful to be the one to have to teach him, but sometimes that's part of being a romantic partner. Be patient, but also be firm so he knows how much this means to you.

Have a good Thanksgiving if you are in North America!

[loveadvice]

Hi, I am totally new at this. My boyfriend and I have different culture backgrounds and types of family ties. I tend to not have any and he treasures family. I can go three months and not see my mom face to face and simply do phone calls and texts. He visits his parents often and they want to visit us and stay for one week or more at a time. We do not have kids and both work 8 hours five days a week. I'll be plain and simple, I find their visits a little too much or too long I guess? I like my privacy and my home and I find sharing it to be difficult for that period of time. I am nervous 24/7 around them and have asked and expressed would it be alright if they visit a little less or have even offered to pay for them to be at a nearby hotel when they intend to stay longer than one week. He has expressed he feels like I am avoiding them and don't have a friendly relationship with them, which I don't mean for him or them to feel or intend for that impression at all. I genuinely want to get along with them but have tried expressing visiting a little less. I would like to ask you and the audience, how intertwined are your parents in your lives? Thank you for your advice and outside opinions :)

I’m kind of similar, my parents are across the country and my girlfriend has all of her family in the state we live in and we come from different ethnic backgrounds. Though it is easier for us since they all have their own homes and they’re pretty busy so we only see her parents every few months. It is a good balance at least for me as the partner. My parent’s don’t visit :O I don’t have the best relationship with my parents these past few years, but prior to that, they visited me rarely, but I did see them 3 times a year. I did call them once a week though back then which was nice and went to them for chatting and advice n’ what not.

Any who, granted it doesn’t turn out that his parents are actually paying your guy’s rent: I want to start with saying that it is a blessing to have his parents wanting to hang with you guys, but I agree, wow one week at minimum to live with your significant other’s parents, let alone your own, is tough!

I do believe you that you aren’t trying to avoid them since you do sound genuinely concerned even over this one message so I do think it sucks that your boyfriend feels like you are avoiding them. I think this is definitely something your boyfriend needs to handle and he needs to respect how you are feeling about this because honestly it would drive me crazy after the third time so this does come down to convincing him.

I think you’ve done everything right so far with the talking to him about it and even offering to pay for a hotel (which is very kind, a more than fair compromise, and I think should be valued to say a lot about how you think of his parents). I don’t think offering to visit them is the solution here given I don’t know about your work situation and you would just be changing the location rather than the situation. What I think you could do next is talk to him again, but this time try to be more firm in re-affirming that you aren’t trying to avoid them, but that you need the shorter, hotel, or less frequent stays to make sure you feel comfortable in your space (all things you have already done). He is also the one that needs to tell his parents this and not throw you under the bus for asserting your boundaries because these are his parents. We as adult children need to learn how to corral our parents so they learn how to exist in our adult lives. Plus you are his girlfriend and he needs to protect your relationship with his parents which means he needs to be the tough sheriff that is wanting this sharing 51% ownership in this change to protect how his parents feel about you. It's all optics and you need his parents to still see you positively after this which is up to your boyfriend.

Don’t back down on feeling this way and make sure he is acknowledging how you feel. This is your home too and you have a half of the votes on what happens in it. I think people/couples try to avoid conflict sometimes, but conflict and airing out what your needs are is super important because if you don’t push on this, then you will end up feeling more stressed and that will get funneled directly into your relationship and resentful feelings about your boyfriend.

I would hate to see your boyfriend get sour about this, but this sounds like you guys are at a pretty critical juncture in your relationship with this happening and depending on how he reacts will determine what he feels/thinks about you and vice-versa.

If he continues to disregard/disrespect your feelings about this, then maybe this ends up being something that becomes a dealbreaker for you. For me personally, I think it would end up becoming one for me because I just DO NOT think any child should be that enmeshed with their parents and I wouldn’t be able to stand it. Visiting them weekly for dinner or lunch and family vacations sound cool, but staying with you for days on end is just too too much. Imagine what it will be like in the future? They probably already have sights on moving in with you guys (not to scare you more).

[loveadvice]

Hello! I'm going to try and make this as short as possible since it's. A lot. My boyfriend of maybe 1 1/2 years is the driest person I've ever met. He gives these one word responses constantly and always seems like he isn't engaged in whatever conversation I'm having with him. He's also extremely pessimistic about his life sometimes, but also never seems to want and try to improve his situation. For example, if he's struggling in school he doesn't ask for help from anyone (including me, who has been offering my help since even BEFORE we started dating) and he continues to stay up extremely late. He also doesn't put as much effort into our relationship as I do in my eyes. Like, I will be all sweet and comforting to him and try my best to give good responses, but I receive jack shit back.

I brought this up with him a week ago, and originally said that I do not want to break up with him. Even in that conversation however, his responses were barely anything and didn't seem to treat the situation with the gravity i feel it deserved. So I spoke to him again yesterday, and asked him to stop giving one word responses and such, and he agreed. Not even 24h later, he's back to giving dry, one word responses. I've been debating on leaving him for a while, but never wanted to because I still loved him. But now, I do want to leave him. But I also don't want to go back on my word. Many of my friends have been saying that I should drop him for a while, but I'd feel bad. I wanted to ask someone with no skin in the game, that doesn't know me or him, what I should do? I have already consulted a friend of both me and my bf, so this is just for reassurance. Do I leave him, or do I keep working to repair the relationship? This has been an issue for many months, so I feel as if I've grinned and beared it for too long.

I don’t know man, to me this sounds like a combination of things. For one, he definitely sounds depressed, but that isn’t really anything you are meant to fix. It’s just an observation since it can be hard to be with a person who always complains, but never does anything to change their situation. Two is that the way he acts makes me think that he just isn’t that into you or something because I don’t know how someone could just go about their relationship and hardly say anything the whole time.

I mean, it makes sense if this was some arranged marriage situation and he just doesn’t feel the motivation to be that engaged, but you guys are just dating and he is like this.

I don’t think you should get hung up on going back on your word when it comes to breaking up with someone. So what you said that you didn’t want to break up with him? You can’t spend the rest of your life resenting him. You’ve told him what you want/need and he didn’t deliver or even try for 24 hours so it doesn’t seem like he cares all that much. This may also be a case where he wants to break up with you, but is so chicken that he just ends up being a shitty boyfriend hoping you will do it so he doesn’t feel like the bad guy.

To me, it sounds like you already tried to work on this by talking to him and he just defaulted so quickly so I am more on the team of breaking up with him. The one thing I feel like I am missing though is why you even started dating in the first place. If you were thinking of giving him one last shot, I think you should think more about why you started dating him in the first place. If he was a totally different person then. What was going on back then? Him struggling in school is one thing, but did he actually engage with you and if so, when did things go bad? Otherwise, I don’t know what qualities attracted you to him and why you love him because all you’ve done this ask is talk about how much he sucks. If you look back on the relationship and you don’t see those good times, then I do think this relationship should definitely come to an end without a second chance. If things used to be good and he was the man you wanted, then try to talk to him one more time as a check-in/reminder, but it’s time to stop if he does not shape up in a week.

[loveadvice]

Hi there, hope everything is well.

my BF of almost a year is in a discord server that I frequent because I'm a moderator in it. I was in a VC/side chat of VC a week ago and mentioned once being in a project again (it's a voice acting server and the project needed actors, i said sure on favor of my female friend who's the director) BF was not in VC at the time and hasn't been active on this server in months.

Then today a week later he brings it up to ask me about the project, specifically who's running it. Struck me as weird because A) i honestly forgot about mentioning it because nothings moved forward on it yet B) he doesn't have discord on his phone and notifs turned off on said server (his words) So he definitely had to go out of his way to look for it and C) he's never shown interest in the server or voice acting in general.

right off the bat it makes me uncomfortable, we're adults. Why does he feel the need to go out of his way to read every public conversation i'm a part of? especially on things as small as a concept of a plan. To then also ask me about it out of the blue over a week later

How do I navigate telling him 'hey looking into every message i send on discord/shared spaces makes me uncomfortable and like you think i'm untrustworthy' without actually coming off as suspicious and that he's right in assuming i'm doing things that would make me untrustworthy? Or would the correct question be me 'hiding' it from him the problem?

I totally get you, that would be weird if he searched through the messages just to find what you’ve been talking about. I’m not saying that isn’t what he did, but you have to admit, it is a pretty big thing to accuse someone of doing so I think your first step would be to check if the director had told him about it first without you knowing or giving him a moment to explain how he found out by just being like “Hey, how did you hear about this? I don’t recall telling you about it.”

That being said, the fact that you would know him a lot better than me and if you would suspect he would do this then it says a lot to me that maybe he did in fact do this.

I think one of the things that stands out to me is that there already appears to be some distrust going on from you based on how you talk about him already and possibly from him if he did snoop around your messages. Because this is already a delicate situation, I think if it turns out that he was in fact reviewing every message you made on the discord, then I think in the same conversation that you find this out, you should tell him how it makes you uncomfortable and that it hurts because it feels like he thinks you are untrustworthy. Try to frame things not that you are accusing him of doing things because that will make it come off as suspicious/defensive, but instead frame things in a way that it is a cause and effect. It may not be his intention to make you feel like you are suspicious, but when he does XYZ it makes you feel like he doesn’t trust you.

Additionally, a part of getting him to know why it makes you uncomfortable is also finding out why he is doing it in the first place. I know your boundaries are the ones that got violated in this situation, but it is hard to enter a conversation with a distrusting person without also acknowledging their emotions and making them feel heard. Otherwise it can come off more like an attack and less like “hey let’s fix this thing about our relationship.” So try to ask him what was the motivator for this. Don’t say it like “why would you do this?! Do you not trust me?” and say it more like a probing question that make him think such as “Did you have any feelings about me that you wanted to discuss?” Or “Have there been any recent changes that make you feel more concerned about me?”