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imagines / one shots (by order of publication)
drunken night
word count: 2.1k
Harry takes care of his drunk ex-girlfriend.
panic attack
word count: 2k
Harry suffers a panic attack and is helped by a distractingly cute stranger.
break up
word count: 2.4k
Harry and Y/N go through a break up.
meeting the ex-girlfriend (nsfw)
word count: 2.5k
Harry and Y/N are caught in an awkward ex-girlfriend situation.
mom ‘n pop shop
word count: 3.3k
Harry is locked in a store during a typhoon with a mysterious stranger. In which Harry and his team travel to a small village in Hawaii for their writing retreat instead of Jamaica.
only angel (part one)
word count: 3.5k
After the loss of his pregnant significant other, Harry is left raising their only daughter all by himself.
only angel (part two)
word count: 3.5k
sub harry (nsfw)
word count: 3k
The title says it all.
wet dream (nsfw)
word count: 2.6k
Harry makes her dreams come true.
rest stop (nsfw)
word count: 3.5k
Harry and Y/N take a break during their road trip to unwind at a gas station and sex shop.
sucker
word count: 1.2k
Harry and Y/N get stopped by a persistent salesman at a kiosk in a mall.
the adulterer and the mistress (nsfw)
word count: 2.2k
Two married strangers forget their spouses and kids for a raunchy night together.
sick day
word count: 3.5k
The devil himself is released through Harry when caught under the weather. Y/N suffers his wrath.
facetime (nsfw)
word count: 2.2k
Harry and Y/N are horny and on opposite sides of the world.
strip for me (nsfw)
word count: 4.9k
In which you’re a stripper and Harry is your regular customer.
santa’s elf
word count: 9.3k
Harry and Holly embark on a journey of delivering Christmas presents to children across America.
fanfiction
Sasquatch! (ongoing)
started february 2018
"Sasquatch" is our sex code. We first decided to use a code word so that we could hookup in public places without people catching on to what we were doing. However, that seemed to fail because they still seemed to make the connections between us calling Sasquatch and then seeing us later walk out of a bathroom with disheveled clothes and messy hair.
prologue i
prologue ii
prologue iii
chapter one: cockblock
chapter two: knock knock
chapter three: home sweet home
chapter four: love bite
chapter five: ryan from calculus
chapter six: problem solved
chapter seven: SASQUATCH!
chapter eight: “private” room
chapter nine: oh sugar honey iced tea
chapter ten: it’s snowing in hell
chapter eleven: whistler
chapter twelve: the promise
chapter thirteen: ski lift accident
chapter fourteen: sasquatch?
chapter fifteen: memorable green eyes
chapter sixteen: come away with me
chapter seventeen: feliz cumpleaños
chapter eighteen: vagina and nipple piercings
chapter nineteen: new beginnings
chapter twenty: new opportunities
chapter twenty-one: burying the hatchet
chapter twenty-two: wound up
chapter twenty-three: fin
chapter twenty-four: houston, here we come
chapter twenty-five: nasa
chapter twenty-six: houston, we have a problem
chapter twenty-seven: i hate fireworks
chapter twenty-eight: junior year
chapter twenty-nine: senior year
chapter thirty: the first sasquatch
chapter thirty-one: she’s driving me crazy
chapter thirty-two: L
chapter thirty-three: fruit salad
chapter thirty-four: the brady brunch
chapter thirty-five: satan’s plan
chapter thirty-six: goodbye, russos
chapter thirty-seven: adorable jealousy
chapter thirty-eight: fight fight fight fight
chapter thirty-nine: mr. styles
chapter forty: bachelor’s party
chapter forty-one: congratu-fucking-lations
chapter forty-two: the mind of george walters
chapter forty-three: big mouth
chapter forty-four: speak now
chapter forty-five: tying the knot
chapter forty-six: you promise?
chapter forty-seven: honeymoon in hawaii
chapter forty-eight: trouble in paradise
chapter forty-nine: just keep brerathin’
chapter fifty: is cereal a soup?
chapter fifty-one: who’s the dad?
chapter fifty-two: you ARE the father!
chapter fifty-three: grant
Serendipity Is For Suckers
started november 2017 and finished february 2018
Story of the heartbroken rebound.
one — two — three — four — five — six — seven — eight — nine — ten — eleven — twelve — thirteen — fourteen — fifteen — sixteen — seventeen — eighteen — nineteen — twenty — twenty-one — twenty-two — twenty-three — twenty-four — twenty-five — twenty-six — twenty-seven — twenty-eight — twenty-nine — thirty — thirty-one — thirty-two — thirty-three — thirty-four — thirty-five — thirty-six — thirty-seven — thirty-eight — thirty-nine — forty — forty-one — forty-two — forty-three — forty-four — forty-five — forty-six — forty-seven — forty-eight — forty-nine
When was the last time you read a novel, or watched a movie, where the side character gets with the main hero?
They rarely exist.
No one ever tells the story of the woman the man ditches at the altar to run away with someone else. Or the story of the man whose wife divorces him because she's in love with another man.
No one ever tells the story of the side character. Because the side character isn't who the main hero is destined to be with.
I'm not the heroine. I've never been the heroine.
Juliette is the heroine and Harry is the hero. They have a crazy journey story of their own.
I'm just someone on the side who gets like 5 minutes of screen time in the movie.
So you're left wondering, what ever happened to them? Did they find love? Are they still broken and destroyed from their soulmates leaving them for someone else?
"Hey, Lani," I whisper quietly to myself as I kneel down and stare at Lani's grave.
I'm back on the island for Spring break and also for Graham and Amy's wedding tomorrow. I just landed not too long ago and my first priority stop was the cemetery.
I place my purse in front of me, on my lap and dig through the mess before finally pulling out the full, worn out, journal that I've already secured with a lock.
I lay it next to the fresh bouquet of flowers that someone has already placed near the stone earlier.
"Lani, protect my diary with one hundred percent effort. Treat it as if you're working for the secret service and this journal is the president," I say out loud. "And if anyone comes by and reads through my personal problems then I'm blaming that on you."
I knew it was stupid leaving this journal out in the open, which is why I only left it here for the couple of hours I spent sitting here before putting it back in my purse.
I catch her up a little on my current situation. I successfully made it through an entire semester of school and am midway through the second one, so that's an achievement.
I even catch her up on the whole Harry situation. How he and Juliette went official a few months back on Twitter. Which I finally have now.
Well, I deleted it after the first week because I was tired of their love life mocking me straight in the face.
I can hear Lani telling me not to give up on love again but I'm already past that. It's not that I'm pessimistic again. It's just that I don't want to try and force anything.
Honestly, what Harry and I had, I believe, can't ever be replaced. And I don't want to waste my time dating boys to try to find one that can mimic our bond and connection.
And I'm totally fine with living alone forever because I'd rather not love at all than to be with someone other than him. I''m fine with that. And I understand that he doesn't want me that way anymore which is why I'm already mentally preparing myself for a very long, lonely future.
I tried going on a date with this guy from my biochemistry class. He was nice and all, funny too, but when we laughed together it didn't feel right. It's a different kind of laugh when you laugh with the person you love.
It's always Harry. It'll always be Harry. I'm just not happy with anyone else.
Really, the only thing I can do at this point is hope that I'll fall out of love with him eventually.
But that's so hard to do when the color of his eyes are so vibrant that it sends energy through my chest. His voice is the only thing that keeps me awake and helps me fall asleep blissfully. His touch is what I yearn for everyday.
So how could I possibly fall out love when all I've been doing is falling more and more in love by the minute while he's slowly forgetting me?
Am I happy, Lani? This is how I see it; my favorite thing in the world is his gorgeous wide smile. And the only time I ever witness it erupt is when he's with her. He makes her happy. She makes him happy. He smiles. I melt at how handsome he looks.
But I'm not happy... even though I have to be.
❀
"Thank you, you're a life saver," Lou says as soon as she enters my room. I hand her a pair of my high heels from my closet and she slips them on hastily.
One of her high heels broke at the wedding earlier today when she tried doing one of those action jump shots for the pictures. So when we got back to my house, I told her she could use one of my pairs.
Graham and Amy are having the reception at our place since it once used to be her childhood home as well. My grandparents gave it to my mom when Aunt Amy left for New York.
The wedding went on too long for my taste and I've always hated them. I always cringe at all the "awws" and how unrealistic vows are.
The worst part of my day today was seeing Harry because he brought Juliette as his date. I tried my best to avoid them until I finally got back to the house before everyone else so I just decided to lock myself up in my room for the whole night after Lou left.
I've already changed into my pajamas and removed all of my makeup so that I wouldn't have any temptations to go downstairs.
I told Aunt Amy that I wasn't feeling very well and even sat in front of the heater to warm my body up to use as "evidence" of how sick I felt.
I feel bad for boycotting the reception, but I wouldn't have had a good time. Every single picture I'd appear on would showcase my resting bitch face. That's definitely something we don't need to immortalize in the family photo albums.
I've been locked up in my room for a couple of hours now, binge watching shows on Netflix in order to avoid awkward conversations with everyone downstairs about what I'm doing with my life.
The music and the cheering are still thumping loudly in the backyard, I start to wonder if it'll ever end.
I decide to take a break for some fresh air and also to rest my eyes so that they don't strain.
I slide open the sliding doors to the balcony of my room and am grateful for its location. It's situated on the side of the house rather than the back so that the people there can't see through my room.
I close the door shut and sit on the large outdoor sofa and pull my knees up to my chest as I stare up at the night sky in comfort.
I try my best to block out all the noise going on in the backyard and focus on my breathing and the way the stars twinkle in sync.
Eventually, I look down at the time on my phone and 15 minutes have already passed. My eyes dart from the time display to my phone background. I really should change it. It's still that cute candid picture a fan took of mine and Harry's little food fight in a fancy upscale restaurant in New York. The tip of my nose was covered in whipped cream from my dessert and I was just about to attack Harry back but he quickly caught my wrist before I was able to. We were both bursting out in laughter when the picture was taken and you could even see the other customers in the background shooting us dirty glares for acting like children in a restaurant.
My thoughts are interrupted when I hear voices coming from the ground below. I try to make out who it is until I hear that familiar deep accented voice followed by a loud laugh coming from a woman. Shit.
As soon as I move an inch off the couch, it makes this really loud creaking sound and I know that if I move any further, they'll hear me up here. There's a small garden area with a bench right below my room's balcony so I know exactly where they're going.
Diyos, help me please.
The voices become louder and footsteps suddenly stop right underneath the balcony. Fucking shit.
"I told you! Didn't I tell you? There's always that one aunt in the family that shows up to parties already drunk!" Juliette exclaims and I already know she's referring to Aunt Carol. She's recently divorced.
"Her face when Mama Grey asked if she was drunk was fucking priceless!" Harry says in between laughter. "She looked like a deer caught in headlights!"
Their laughter fills the entire side of the house and it creates this kind of beautiful and happy orchestrated sound.
I'm in such an unfortunate situation right now hiding on a balcony as my ex-boyfriend and his girlfriend discuss a bet they made about how many people would already be drunk by the end of the night.
It feels like hours pass when the mood suddenly turns serious.
"I love you," Harry suddenly says and even though I can't see him I could picture his beautiful green eyes already dilated as he stares into her eyes. I bring my knees closer to my chest and rest my chin over them as if this position would help ease the pain I'm feeling.
"I love you," she responds back.
"I have a huge favor to ask of you," he starts, "and it'd break my heart completely if you reject me."
"Ever since we started dating, you know... the first time... we had such a connection and a special bond. I feel like I can share anything and everything with you and it's like I already know the ins and outs of you despite our... rough... history," he slowly admits. "And you're the only woman I've ever loved this way," he adds.
Ouch. That part stung me real bad.
I wipe the tears that fall from my eyes and try to control my breathing before they hear. It's as if our entire relationship meant nothing to him when it meant, and still does, the world to me.
"Call me crazy but I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
"Styles! You are not proposing!" Juliette teases.
"I'm not," Harry lightly laughs. I don't know how I should feel. Relieved that he's not proposing? Or still very very heartbroken that he just admitted to wanting to spend the rest of his life with her?
"I mean, I do!" he quickly adds. "Just not now, of course, you know with both of our lives being as crazy as they are. I think that maybe we should at least wait until we're both settled into our careers before even thinking about it... but... I mean do you even feel the same way?" he asks with slight concern hidden in his voice.
It's silent for a little while until I hear her shift closer to Harry and plant a short kiss on his lips before taking in a deep breath.
"Of course I do. You know I do, Harry. I've been through rough shit the past couple of years and being with you is all I've ever wanted," she admits.
Me and you both, Juliette. Me and you both.
"Then I want you to promise me," he says. A loud eruption of cheers interrupt their moment and I take the opportunity to get off the loud couch and kneel near the edge of the balcony so that I could peek through, making sure I stay hidden.
I see both Harry and Juliette's attention diverted to the backyard as they watch what could possibly be happening down there before returning their attentions back to each other.
They're both sitting on the small bench, facing one another, and Harry reaches through his pockets and pulls out a small dark blue velvet box.
"I'm not proposing," he immediately adds as if answering her thoughts. "It's a promise ring. A promise that sometime in the future we will start our forever together."
At this point my heart has shattered completely. And I'm so sick and tired of constantly gluing them back together.
She gapes at the simple silver stud before taking it out of his hands and placing it on her ring finger.
"So is that a yes?" Harry chuckles.
"Yes! Of course! A million times yes!" she nearly shouts as she throws her arms around Harry's neck and pulling him into a hug. Their happy laughter and excitement overpowers the sound of the music and I can't help but feel the need to vomit.
"There's one thing, though," Harry quietly remarks. Juliette pulls away from the hug and Harry's eye lowers to the ground as if he's holding some sort of guilt.
She instantly recognizes what he's about to say and offers him the most understanding facial expression.
"It's Ria," he says and my heart involuntarily flutters at the sound of my name leaving his lips.
"She's still in love with me. And I still care about her but she's so heartbroken," he says with a heavy tone of guilt.
"I understand," Juliette says and removes the ring from her ring finger before placing it again onto the pointer finger of her right hand. "I don't like hurting her feelings too and I promise I won't talk about it with anyone until you're ready to talk to her."
"Thank you." He smiles and leans down to decrease the space between them. They engulf in yet another heart wrenching kiss. "We should probably get back out there before they notice we're missing."
Harry stands up and wraps his hand around hers, pulling her up off the bench and onto her feet. They both leave the small garden and I thought I'd be able to breathe again. I was wrong.
I still feel like I'm trapped underwater. A few minutes pass before my emotions finally take over and I'm sobbing heavy tears while still crunched over on the floor of my balcony.
All hope is lost in me and I'm finally able to tell myself that I'm not the one. I never was.
The silly part in me is still waiting. Of course I'm waiting. I'm waiting for the stars to finally align in our favor and for him to finally discover his love for me. And we'd be the happiest couple on earth. But those chances are close to non-existent considering he's already found his soulmate and partner for life.
And my life will just be full of life-sucking, endless... waiting.
❀
When my body is finally dehydrated from all the crying, I find some strength to get back up and walk back inside my room.
My immediate instinct is to break something, just because I always feel better when I do.
I grab Lou's broken heel from the floor near my bed and chuck it to the mirror of my dresser. It was old anyways, I needed a new one.
The plan backfires a little when what was just a small crack in the mirror turns into the entire top part falling to the ground, shattering it entirely into pieces.
"Oh shit," I mutter and rush over to carefully pick up the pieces off the floor.
A bright yellow post-it note stands out in the sea of broken glass and wood shards.
I cautiously brush the small broken pieces away and pick the small paper off the floor and immediately recognize the handwriting.
When did he do this? How did this even get here?
As soon as all the glass shards are brushed away, I read through his scribbled writing.
"Daisy, never, never change. Keep that breathless charm. Won't you please arrange it? Cause I love you... just the way you look tonight. -H"
Tears flow out of my eyes as I hold the note close to my chest.
❀
I eventually walk downstairs only because I felt like all of the air had escaped from my room.
Thank God the party is outside and not inside, leaving the house quiet and empty.
I walk into the kitchen to grab a glass of water when I accidentally bump into Graham on my way in.
"Oh, sorry, Graham," I apologize and move around him to the refrigerator. "I'm sorry for not being able to party with you guys I-"
"Don't worry about it, Ria. Just take care of yourself and that migraine," he says the last word with a wink, telling me he knows the real reason I'm up there.
I sigh and smile up at him.
"Thank you," I say and reach into the refrigerator for a bottle of water. Graham leans back on to the kitchen counter, careful not to hit any of the desserts with his fancy tuxedo.
"So, there's been word on the block you're planning to go to medical school," he says and takes a sip from his can of soda.
"Eventually. Hopefully." I respond when I close the door of the refrigerator. I'm then reminded again of why I didn't want to be down here in the first place. It's because of people being nosey about my life. "I'm only in pre-med, so hopefully I get in to somewhere really good after I graduate."
"What were you planning on specializing in?" he asks.
"Oncology," I answer. Seconds later the door to the backyard opens and a couple of people walk in. I look back at Graham and throw up a peace sign before jogging away.
"See you later," I yell out as I'm halfway up the staircase.
I just got out of the office after having lunch with Aunt Amy for the third time this week and decided to just save the gas and walk back to my apartment since it was so close.
"Pretty girl, smile for me, would ya?" A guy standing on the side catcalls me.
"Fuck off." I respond in a bored expression as I walk straight past him.
I walk up the steps to my apartment building and make my way up to my floor.
I unlock the door and close and lock it behind me and throw my bag lazily back on to the sofa. A small piece of wood from the broken piano flies off from the couch, almost hitting me in the face.
I tried to clean most of it up but then I got really lazy. I kind of just swept the entire mess to the corner and promised myself that I'd tend to it later.
Even though I just ate lunch with Aunt Amy, I'm starting to get hungry again. I should probably plan what I'll have for dinner.
I've been really bad with cooking my own shit lately and have been opting for expensive takeout food. An extremely bad habit, I know.
I ignore my subconscious's plea for better health and grab the pizza menu brochure from my kitchen and walk back out into the living room.
The sound of a door opening startles the hell out of me and I find myself immediately in first position stance, ready to drop kick the hell out of the intruder.
Harry walks out of my room and immediately stills when he spots me with my fists out several feet in front of him.
"I'm sorry!" he starts to apologize, "I'm sorry for breaking in, I mean technically I didn't break in because I have a key. But I only stopped by because I forgot this the last time I was here," he explains all in one breath and holds up the dark blue coat in his hands.
The only thing I had left of him here in this apartment. The materialistic piece of clothing I pathetically hold on to at night when I can't sleep.
I don't realize that my breathing has erratically sped up until I choke on my own breath trying to make out words.
He doesn't say anything else and I don't either. We're both just standing in silence, avoiding eye contact with one another, trying to figure out where to go from here.
"Uhhh... I should probably... give this back," he says and walks over to me. He digs out his set of keys and pulls one out of the ring, and slowly hands it over to me.
I stare at it in his hand for a little too long and just when I'm about to reach for it, he pulls his hand back.
"I can't," he whispers and shakes his head. I'm finally brave enough to look up at him and notice the light tint of red in his eyes. My emotions are conflicted and I don't know if I should be feeling pain for him being here in front of me, love because we're only inches away, or anger for him not running after me back in Florida.
He drops the bag and coat he was holding to the ground and reaches over to grab my hands.
I've never felt so calm and serene with one touch. A touch I've been craving for too long.
The lost electricity returns and sparks all over the room and through my body.
"I love you, Ria. I can't do this to you any longer. And I'm so so sorry for taking so damn long to think over everything. I want to be with you and only you. I hate seeing you so hurt. I don't want Jules because you and I are together," he explains but it still doesn't make any sense to me.
"Harry, when I see you with her, you're happy. And I would be a pretty fucking selfish bitch for taking that away from you."
All the favors of the universe are being thrown at Harry and Juliette's relationship, not ours.
He shakes his head in disbelief and his eyes start to well up with tears as he tightens his fingers around mine.
"But I can't do this to you. You've been through this shit already, you don't deserve it."
"Exactly. I have been through this shit already, don't you think I'd know how to handle it by now?" I counter argue and it takes my all to not jump into his arms and be with him forever.
The worst feeling in the world is when you don't wanna give up on a love with someone but you know you have to.
"You're pitying me, Harry. You're still holding on to that small ounce of hatred for Jules for leaving you which is why you don't want to get back together with her, but the truth is that you're still in love with her. I'm not stupid. I know," I try to say this whole speech without a sound of hate. "I knew you were gone the moment I saw you look at her the way I looked at you. If you stay with me, you'd be settling. I don't want you to settle with your life because you deserve way more than a mediocre relationship.
I know for a fact that you've never been unfaithful and that you've never cheated on me with Juliette. But I could also see it in your eyes how much it was killing you every second you spent that wasn't with her.
This is going to sound insanely overused and cliche and shit but I really do want you to be happy; even if that's not with me because that's how much I care about you.
You showed me what it's like to be the happiest person in the entire fucking universe.
But the fact is, I didn't make you feel the same way. And I truly feel bad for wasting your time."
"What about you, Ria? You deserve more," Harry says, still holding on to my hands and staring down at me with pain.
"If we got back together, we'd both be miserable," I try to explain.
"If we got back together, why would we both be miserable?" he asks with genuine confusion.
"Because then I'd have to watch the love of my life be in love with someone else out of their reach. Don't you get it? Your unhappiness is what makes me miserable."
He's silent for a while and I avoid his gaze before I start to break down myself.
"It's not fair..." he whispers.
"Well, nothing in life is to be honest."
"I can't," he says one last time, shaking his head in disbelief.
"Be honest with me, Harry, do you love Juliette?" I ask.
"Well... yeah, she's a significant person in my life but wha-"
"Okay, but are you in love with her?" I reiterate my intended question.
He's speechless, trying to find the string of words that won't set me off.
He stutters his words for a few moments. "I... I-I've always been in love with her but I'm willing to get over it for you, Ri-"
"No, don't do that," I shake my head to dismiss him.
We're consumed in silence once again, both of us unsure of what to say. I eventually let go of his hands, regretting it instantly now that the fire and electricity is lost from his skin on mine.
"Juliette loves you," I say and it hurts me so much to admit out loud. She didn't have to tell me for me to know that she's always been in love with him. She has the exact same look on her face as mine when we stare up at the one man we love.
"You were lying to yourself when you said you were happy with me. There's a difference between happiness and satisfaction," I point out.
We all deserve to be with someone who wants to be with us.
And I care too much about Harry's happiness because he showed me what it's like to be the happiest person in the entire fucking universe. He deserves to feel the same way and I just didn't make him feel that same way.
I fell way too hard for this boy to turn him into some miserable creature by keeping him away from the love of his life.
He doesn't say anything and he hasn't said anything for the past few minutes. He just stares confusingly at the ground, going through all of the thoughts running around in his head.
I move closer in his direction and take the key out of his hand. He watches my movements before looking up at me with a sad expression.
It does hurt me to see him sad, but I already know he'll get over it once he's back in the arms of Juliette.
I force out a weak smile and walk into my bedroom, closing the door behind me, and laying myself on my bed. I bring my hand up to cover my mouth before he hears the sobbing coming out.
I was a little too high off the hope that he still loved me, thinking he would barge into my room and demand my love.
But then disappointment coursed through me like a tsunami when I heard the front door of my apartment close shut.
I'm only writing this to stop the sudden urge and to prevent myself from smashing my TV in.
I finally had time to stop by the office earlier today to have lunch with Aunt Amy and to grab the last of my things from my old cubicle.
On the way out, I even saw Harry. We made eye contact for a split second before I was able to decipher his emotions. I couldn't look at him any longer. I knew that if I did, then I wouldn't be able to stop.
I left soon after and hid in school for a few hours just in case he tried to come over to my place.
I don't remember seeing his eyes red or puffy like how mine are. But why would he be crying anyways? He has the perfect girl waiting to be with him by his side in London.
The last thing my mind was able to capture were the color of his eyes and I hate how I love the color of his eyes. I hate how perfect his face is. I hate how beautiful his soul is. I hate how full his heart is, even if it isn't full for me.
I read somewhere that one way to get over someone is to list their every imperfection and decide if it's something you're willing to live with.
The problem was that every one of his imperfections were perfect to me. And it really hurt me to see him today.
I'm still hurt about the fact that Harry hasn't sad anything, or even came to visit, and that we're pretty much broken up at this point.
I remember the first time we ignored each other for this long during the tour. I hated every second of it because we were both being stubborn idiots when we were fighting. Neither of us wanted to be the first one to say something so we let the silence consume us.
I wonder if there'll ever be a moment where the tightening in my chest will stop besides when I'm asleep.
I hate crying and I never do it but ever since that night in Florida, the tears have been coming out non-stop. As if my body were emptying out the dam of tears inside my body.
It so fucking hurts but I love Harry so much and I miss him even more with every second that passes by.
At this point, I've come to the conclusion to stop trying with no love no matter how charming and lovely the guy is.
It won't be worth getting heartbroken again for the third time.
I'm perfectly fine living independently and on my own for the rest of my life. I mean I'll have to anyways. I don't have a choice anymore.
I just hate how I've turned into some silly school girl who's sulking over some stupid breakup over a guy who couldn't give less of a shit about me anymore.
This is stupid. I'm sorry, Lani, I tried, but this is really fucking stupid.
I can't believe how absolutely stupid I was for not listening to my gut and I always listen to my gut.
Why did I know this was going to happen?
It's been a week since that terrible night in Florida and I've been numb ever since.
I've been getting multiple calls and texts from friends and I've responded to all of them, except Harry's. I can't stand to hear his voice or else I'll break down again.
When I was up on the roof last night, I physically threw my phone across the street to the roof of the other building.
Then I realized that that was a pretty bad idea since I had all of my professor's contact information on there.
So I got a new phone and was able to restore everything but that's beside the point.
The point is that I just wasted the past year of my life on a stupid one-sided relationship.
I'm not really in the mood to do anything today. I pretty much just put on a fake face and act like I'm enjoying my time here. I've been in a bad mood since yesterday and I hate being the kill joy in a group.
It's hard not to feel like the life is being sucked out of you when your boyfriend is basically acting all flirty with his ex-girlfriend.
Maybe I should just talk to him. It does sound like a bad idea for them to stay friends and at this point I don't even care if it makes me sound like a selfish, bitchy girlfriend anymore.
I can't stand the thought of losing him. The one constant of happiness in my life.
It's super early in the morning and I'm busy getting ready in the bathroom when I hear Harry walk in, laughing and all sweaty.
"I obviously won because you're a cheater and took the shortcut!" Harry yells out into the hallway and laughs to himself before closing the door behind him. "Oh, hey, Ria," he says as soon as he spots my head sticking out of the bathroom.
His body glistens with a thick layer of sweat running down his tattooed body. He kicks his running shoes off and uses the hotel towel to wipe at his head before sitting down on the chair to catch his breath.
I walk over to where he's sitting with his eyes closed and his head leaning back against the wall.
"You guys are crazy for going out on a run during a vacation," I comment and he opens his eyes to look at me now standing right in front of him. He stands up from his seat and starts to strip down before planting a small kiss on my forehead and walking towards the bathroom.
It takes almost every fiber in my entire body to not look down his body. I know that if I do, our entire day's schedule will be delayed.
"I would've thought Lou would want to take a break from all the driving she did yesterday and just sleep in," I mention and follow him into the bathroom. He steps fully into the shower when I grab my toothbrush from the holder.
"Oh yeah, she was a log this morning. We tried pulling her out of bed but she wouldn't budge so Jules and I just went without her," he says nonchalantly.
Oh.
I try to keep my anger at bay before I lash out and when I glance over at Harry through the mirror, he's still smiling to himself as if he were reminiscing on the time he spent with Jules just moments ago.
Breath in. Breath out. Breath in. Breath out. Breathe in. Walk over to Jules' hotel room and punch her in the face. Breath out.
❀
Despite the fact that Harry and I are walking hand in hand, I still feel so distant from him.
"Alright, I think that's enough for me," I say to the group referring to the rollercoaster ride we just got out of. "I think that if I ride another one, I'll throw up," I say and we all sit on a nearby bench to catch our breaths and steady our heart rates.
"Me too," Harry agrees and Juliette shoots him a smirking look. "I'm still not giving up though," he huffs out and shoots up from his seat and jumps in place to show that he's ready for the next ride.
"You guys are fucking insane," Lou comments and laughs.
"What's going on?" I ask in curiosity.
"Jules and I are having a challenge that whoever gives up, throws up, or passes out first, loses," Harry says and Juliette punches him playfully in the arm.
"I feed on adrenaline, Harold, there's no stopping me," she responds in a threatening voice and Harry rolls his eyes and smiles back.
The five of us start walking again to the next rollercoaster ride, trying to dodge little kids and their parents chasing after them, as well as trying not to walk in front of tourists taking photos which I've guiltily done a handful of times already.
We pass an over-the-top decorated Disney stand selling matching Mickey and Minnie ears and I internally barf. Matching outfits, let alone stupid matching headbands with mouse ears on them, is the cheesiest thing that could ever happen to a couple. Might as well tattoo "Omg I'm taken and am in a happy relationship and I'm so in love with my boyfriend that we have the exact same fashion sense it's basically like I'm dating myself" on their damn foreheads. Nobody wants to date themselves.
It's too mainstream for my taste and I cringe at the small thought.
"Ooouuu," I hear both Harry and Juliette gush at the same time before rushing over to the stand.
Of fucking course.
The two of them buy their own headbands and even though they're both completely different patterns, the fact that they're the only two in the group wearing them makes it look like they're the couple, even though Harry and I are the one holding hands.
Again, I don't want to say anything and be an instant kill joy. But the fact that I have to filter my thoughts and keep my complaints to myself makes Harry a really bad boyfriend for neglecting his girlfriend.
I think he's gotten too used to my understanding of his and Juliette's friendship that he doesn't see how much it actually hurts me.
I need to talk to him. I'm done holding in all of my emotions and not being able to express them.
❀
HARRY
The crew just finished for the day and Ria and I are already on our way back to our room. My insides feel like jelly from all of the rollercoasters and a nap has never seemed so inviting in my entire life until now.
Ria's been acting weird all day today. She's been acting a little snappy and irritated the entire time. She even refused a make out session earlier today and has been disregarding my small acts of affection.
As soon as she gets the door to our room unlocked, she swings it open and storms in, not bothering to hold it open for me.
"I'm gonna shower," she says without looking at me and makes a bee line straight to the bathroom. I follow right after her and before she could even make it in, I grab her elbow and lightly pull her back to face me.
"What's wrong?" I ask, searching her eyes for any answers.
"Nothing," she snaps and pulls her arm out of my hold before turning back around and slamming the bathroom door shut.
She's been in the shower for almost an hour now and I'm starting to get anxious.
I'm not completely oblivious. I assumed she would start to get jealous over mine and Jules' friendship. We were acting pretty friendly today but that's just because we have a relationship no one really understands and that's kind of unique to us.
But the way the sadness in Ria's face overpowered her anger really got to me. I'm such a sucky boyfriend for making her feel that way and I'd be a hypocrite for continuing to make her feel that way.
When she comes out of the shower I'm going to apologize immediately.
I'm going to try to be a better boyfriend even if that means breaking off ties with Jules completely.
Jules and I are just friends. And she knows it too. We've talked about it before and she knows how much I love Ria.
I lay back on the bed and stare at the ceiling for another 20 minutes, contemplating and figuring out what I'm going to say when she walks out.
My thoughts are interrupted by the lock of the door clicking and Ria walking out with her hair half-dry. But instead of wearing pajamas, she's wearing jeans and a thick sweatshirt.
We make eye contact for a few long seconds until we both say "I'm sorry" at the exact same time.
I sit up completely from my spot on the bed and stare at her in confusion. She stands awkwardly at the entrance of the bathroom, several feet away from me, staring down at the floor to avoid eye contact.
"What? Why are you apologizing?" I ask. Maybe she wasn't acting all snappy earlier because she was mad at me. Maybe there's something else going on... And why is she all dressed up?
"For being a sucky girlfriend," she says so low. I instantly notice her wall built perfectly up again, the one I worked so hard to knock down. Her eyes are full of caution and I can tell her brain is working to calculate her next few words and steps as carefully as possible.
"What are you talking about?" I ask again. We're still so far apart and I'm waiting for that usual magnetic pull to bring us together. But she just stays in her spot, only looking at me when she's saying something, as if she were scared to gauge my reaction.
"I'm sorry for being a sucky girlfriend, a sucky person in general, and restricting you from being truly happy, Harry," she says in a half-confident tone.
I'm still a hundred percent confused and she takes my silence as a need for more explanation.
"I know you're not happy with me anymore," she admits and my heart drops to the floor instantly. My feet quickly move across the room to where she's standing and as soon as I pull her into an embrace, I feel her body go rigid under my touch, but after a few moments she relaxes into my body.
"What the hell are you talking about, Daisy, of course I'm happy with you. Why would you ever think I'm not?" I pull her chin up with my finger to look at me. Her eyes are red but they're so dry. Evidence that she's probably been crying the entire time in the shower. The thought makes my chest hurt and all I want to do is hug the pain away.
I sweetly kiss her forehead and pull her closer to me with my hand resting on the back of her neck as I rest my chin on the top of her head.
"You seem much happier with Juliette and we've been distant for the past few weeks," she points out and I can tell it's hurting her so much to do so.
"Is that what you're so upset about?" I ask and feel her head slowly nod. I pull back momentarily from our embrace to look at her. I place both of my hands on her shoulders and she looks up at me with a small frown as she tries to hold back her sobs. She's way too strong to be holding back her sobs.
"Ria, I'll stop being friends with her if that's what you want. Seriously, I will! I'll even go down to her room right now and end every line of communication with-"
"No, that's not what I want," she interrupts me. "What I want is for you to be happy," she states so calmly. It's kind of eery how calm and put together she's acting but I can also tell that with one wrong move, she'll break.
"And I am happy, Ria, I'm so sorry about everything that's happened. I never should've befriended Jules again in the first place."
She shakes her head and looks away as she removes my hands from her shoulders and walks away to put distance in between us.
"You don't understand, Harry. The only reason you don't want to end us right now is because we've gone through a lot together. Yeah, I feel like shit but there's nothing I can do about it." She sniffles and wipes away a tear from the corner of her eye. Now we're standing face to face but several feet apart.
"Honestly, I'd feel much more hurt with the idea of you being with me rather than the person you truly want to be with but don't wanna admit." She's starting to stutter her words as she fails miserably to hold back her sobs. Her cheeks are now coated with a thin layer of tears but every time I attempt to step forward and wipe them away, she only moves back.
"Ria, what are you doing?" I ask, slowly inching closer to her but she just looks away and presses her lips together before she starts to cry uncontrollably.
How could I've been so impossibly stupid to notice how distressed she's been? Have I seriously been that fucking selfish to not notice how much pain I've been causing her.
"Don't overthink it Harry," she sniffles again. "Look, I have to go. I'm on the next flight out to New York." She turns around and grabs the small suitcase I didn't notice she had already packed.
"What?! No, don't leave! Ria, I swear. Come with me right now to Jules' room and I'll tell her straight to her face that I don't want anything to do with her. Please, Ria, we'll work this out, I love you," I beg and practically sprint across the room to grab her hand, pulling her with me to the door.
Nothing hurts me more than seeing her in so much pain right now. Pain that I've caused. And the fact that her wall is back up, it's gonna take a hundred percent more effort to knock it back down.
She softly pulls my grasp off of her arm before putting on her backpack.
"I'll make a deal with you," she says and turns to face me. This time, she has no hesitation to stare right into my eyes. "I'm gonna go wait by the big fountain in the front of the hotel for a taxi. And if you don't come out to get me in 10 minutes then I'll know how you really feel." Even though she's basically giving me an ultimatum, there's no tone of threat or anger in her voice. She's simply giving me an option.
I'm so stuck at this point. That's not nearly enough time to think this through.
I stand in the middle of the room, with my feet glued to the ground, as I watch Ria walk around the room to gather the rest of her things.
She finally goes over to me and leans up on her toes to plant a soft, simple kiss on my lips before smiling a forced smile and walking towards the door. Before she opens it she turns back around and says, "In the event that you don't come out... just tell everyone that I left so abruptly because there was a family emergency or something. I don't want to be a killjoy for the rest of their trip." And with that she's gone. Yet the smell of her still lingers strongly around the room.
I feel the strongest urge to just run out and stop her in the hallway and I'm fighting every cell in my body to do something but it's like I remain paralyzed, standing in the middle of this already lonely hotel room.
She handled this too well. She must've been thinking about this for a long time now.
She didn't once try to argue or fight Jules. She wasn't petty or obnoxious, she just gave up everything she had, just like that.
She's too good for this world. She's too good to feel any small ounce of hurt. Especially with her history, she doesn't deserve any of it.
❀
RIA
It feels like it's been years since I stepped foot out of that hotel room.
It's so fucking cold out here, I should've just stayed in the lobby. But then I didn't want to risk missing Harry when and if he decides to come out here.
It's so lonely out here. I mean, it is pretty late in the night, but I'd at least expect the Valet dude to be here, keeping me company or something.
But no... it's just me out here. It'll always be just me.
I pull my phone out of my pocket to check the time...
It's been almost an hour since I left the room and he still hasn't come out yet. I guessed he would've come running out last minute and I didn't wanna risk already being gone by the time he came to his senses.
But he didn't. He never came after me. I gave him a 50 minute chance and he never showed up. But what was I expecting, really?
Should I just go back up there? Maybe he's trying to figure it out as well and he's just taking too damn long.
He also could be balls deep in Jules as well, there really is no way of telling...
I open the phone app and call a taxi.
❀
I fumble with my keys, trying to get one in the slot of the door knob as I try to balance all my shit in my hands.
As soon as the door unlocks, I kick it open and drop everything on the ground, not caring to pick it up afterwards.
The first thing my eyes land on when I scan the living room of my apartment is that stupid piano. My eyes narrow in on it and I storm back out into the hallway and grab the fire extinguisher lodged into the glass box across the hall.
I storm back into my living room and start to assault the piano, imagining jealousy, hatred, anger, and unsettlement as human faces plastered across the expensive wood.
It's too early in the morning for my loud yelling as I slam the extinguisher back and forth across the piano but I don't care if I wake any neighbors up because it feels good letting all this pent up anger out.
Shards of wood litter the floor and a leg of the piano had already broken, causing the entire thing to fall to the ground, but that doesn't stop me as I start to jump and kick at the damn thing.
"M-Ma'am? I-Is everything a-alright?" I immediately halt my actions and turn to the direction of the front door. I spot an old frail lady, clutching on to her handbag over her chest as she takes in the scene in front of her with worry and concern flashing in her eyes.
I look back down at the terrible mess I've made and drop the extinguisher to the ground.
My chest is heaving up and down as a result of all the energy I've just expelled.
"I-I'm so sorry, Mrs. Walters... I saw a spider," I force out a weak smile but my blood is still boiling inside.
"O-okay," she chokes out before scurrying away.
What the hell was she even doing up this early in the morning anyways?
It's almost four in the morning and my first class for the day is at eight.
After about a half an hour of sulking, I realize that all of these emotions will only get to me if I allow it to. So I quickly get myself together enough to get ready for any of the classes I have today. Hoping they'd be a distraction to the mess I left back in Florida.
My alarm sounds through my small and silent room and I reach my hand out from under the covers to turn it off.
I slowly open my eyes as they adjust to the morning brightness and a loud yawn escapes my lips. I shake my head lightly to wake myself up before removing myself from under the covers and making my way to the bathroom.
"No, come back," Harry groans from under the thick comforter. I turn back around momentarily to check if he was just sleep talking when his arm sticks out, grabbing me and pulling me towards him.
I let out a yelp in surprise but am then comforted again when he holds my body close to his naked chest, with the heat radiating from his body warming my own skin. He holds me against him for a few seconds before grabbing the comforter and pulling it over us.
"Just lay with me for a few minutes," his raspy voice whispers and his tone is still laced with sleepiness. He buries his face in the crook of my neck and not even a minute later I start to hear soft snores leave his parted lips.
"Harry," I playfully groan and try to pry him off of me. "I've already pressed snooze five times, we need to get up," I say and play tug-of-war with him using my own arm. I finally win after licking his face as a distraction and pad my bare feet across the cold floor towards the bathroom.
"I'm going to shower," I call out and right as I'm about to close the door, his arm sticks out to stop it from closing.
"Okay," he grins with tired eyes and a bed head. He starts to remove his sweatpants and I poke at his chest with my hand, stopping him from undressing any further.
"No, because every time we shower together things happen and we end up being late," I whine, pushing him completely out of the bathroom before shutting the door and locking it.
I hear a thud from the other side and I can already picture him resting his forehead against the door.
"I'll be good, I promise, Daisy," he empty promises. Even through the loud bathroom air vent I can still hear his low chuckle sound and it's my favorite sound to listen to first thing in the morning.
I love his playfulness and I'm glad we still have that fire.
I can already sense the honeymoon phase wearing off and I'm not ready to let that go just yet, especially now that Harry and Juliette have a potential in reentering the honeymoon phase themselves.
I feel like I'm in an episode of Sister-Wives.
After about an hour of getting ready and packing, Harry and I are finally ready and we walk downstairs to meet the rest of the gang.
Lou pulls up in this really nice rental car with Amelia and... Juliette... already inside.
Diyos, give me the strength and endurance to make it through this trip.
❀
"I'll go check us in!" Lou announces as soon as she puts the car in park. Everyone starts to exit and grab their bags out of the trunk.
Holy shit, the ride dragged on and I felt like I've been in the car for an entire fucking week.
I slept most of the time but that's because I couldn't stand Juliette's witch laughing at everything Harry said. I tried not to say anything about it so instead I secretly took melatonin so that I wouldn't have to deal with annoying conversations with her.
I did wake up though a couple of times and spotted Juliette leaning on Harry's shoulder as she fell asleep.
I fucking hated that. I also wish I were awake to experience the nice and comforting silence when her mouth isn't open.
By the end of the ride I had acquired a headache from listening to Juliette and her annoying ass voice.
"I don't wanna sound full of myself but what if people only befriend me because I'm your girlfriend... or worse... what if people don't befriend me at all? I mean, I don't exactly have the best social interaction skills but still. And you know what? I haven't even toured the campus yet and it's already my first day! What if I get lost?... What if I get kidnapped- Ahhh!" I yelp as I trip over the large suitcase sitting in the middle of my room that I still have yet to unpack.
"You're frantically speed walking around your room, double checking that you have everything aren't you?" Harry's voice booms through the bluetooth speakers I have connected to my phone.
"And what's your point?" I ask after seconds of silence.
He chuckles then sighs at the other end of the line. "You need to calm down, babe, before you get acid reflux again. You're gonna do great." He comforts me and all of the built up anxiety suddenly starts to dissolve at the warmth of his voice.
"Hey, I'm about to board the plane. I'll see you in a few hours, yeah?" he says.
"Yeah, I love you."
"I love you too, Daisy baby," he says and the line goes blank. I wish he would've stayed on the phone with me for the rest of the day because he seems to be the only thing keeping my nerves at bay.
❀
Harry and I are sitting on one of the lounge chairs, people watching as usual, as he squeezes my hand to the rhythm of the music which is something he does when he's bored.
Aunt Amy throws this annual launch party every year to celebrate the day the company first started. This is my first time going and it's just the usual old businessmen and -women social party where they limit each adult to two glasses of wine. And they also play party music from the early 2000's thinking that they're still in style.
"If I could have everybody's attention please!" Graham calls out into a microphone. The DJ lowers the music and almost everybody's heads turn in the direction of the small stage of the ballroom. Harry lays his head on my shoulder and I can already tell he's close to falling asleep.
"I say this every year and I'll continue to say it every year because you all are a truly amazing group of workers. You're crazy dedicated and passionate in the industry so I want to thank all of you for your participation this year," Graham says as if he's rehearsed it a thousand times and the crowd starts cheering and clapping.
"There's one person in this room who I think that we should all thank, otherwise we all wouldn't even have jobs," he laughs and the crowd laughs forcefully afterwards. Graham pulls Aunt Amy from the front of the crowd to stand next to him on the stage and a few hollers and cheers echo throughout the room.
"Amy, you're such an inspiration to me and to so many people in this room. You're an amazingly hard worker and you deserve to be happy for the rest of your life to make up for how hard you work," he says and slowly moves one knee down so that he's kneeling in front of her.
Diyos, why?
"I might vomit," I whisper to Harry and make a gagging sound.
"Oh hush," he argues and pinches my lips close as I roll my eyes.
Graham goes on this long ass speech about how he loves Aunt Amy and how they're destined to be together or some cringey shit of the likes. The room erupts in an even louder cheering and when I finally look up after playing with the ends of my hair in boredom, Aunt Amy and Graham are hugging tightly and she has the biggest smile plastered on her face.
I still hate the cringey romance stuff, but just the way she looks so happy and settled in her life makes me want to rethink that.
"We should go say hi to them," I hear Harry say and when I look up he gestures over to where Lou and... Juliette... are standing near the entrance. They sure missed out on a hell of a long proposal... lucky bitches.
Before I could even respond, Harry had already pulled me up off my feet and now we're walking hand in hand to the entrance of the ballroom.
"Hey, stranger," Harry greets in a chirpy voice and releases his grip on my hand so that he could wrap both arms over Juliette's tone frame.
"Hello Juliette," I greet, sounding a little too awkward and formal. The rest of the group greets each other and soon enough we're all in our own separate conversations.
"So how's school?" Amelia asks, already sipping on her own margarita while scanning the room.
"It's pretty busy," I huff out not wanting to go into detail before I start to stress over school again.
I don't really have any friends here in New York, I'm still at the acquaintance stage with some people at school but I'm not really close with either of them. Lou and Amelia both live in London, Elise is in L.A., and Harry's always travelling but he tries to spend most of his time here in New York with me.
So even though I have a lot of distraction-free free time, school is still suffocating me with mountains of work.
But I'm happy nonetheless because I've finally found my path and what I want to do.
Amelia goes off about how when she started college, she didn't know what to do either. I guiltily daze off and notice the way Harry and Juliette are interacting. Even though Harry's fingers are intertwined with mine, I still feel like the connection is lost.
It feels like no matter what relationship I have with him, I'm still in pain. When we were just friends, I was hurting because I had a crush on him and I thought he didn't like me back. Now that we're together, I'm hurting because of the jealousy that fills my body every time I see them together.
Harry has this huge smile on his face as he makes Juliette laugh and I can tell that it's probably because of an inside joke by the way they're whispering and covering their mouths so that only they can see what the other one is saying.
There's this sort of gleam in his eyes that I've never noticed before.
Why have I never noticed that before?
His eyes seem to hold more color. Don't get me wrong, his eyes are always beautifully vibrant, it's just that this time they're more... bold.
I hate this fucking stinging in my chest. I can physically feel the tendons of my heart starting to tear.
It's okay, Ria. Harry's allowed to have other friends too. I hate having to remind myself this every time I'm in pain.
HARRY
"Babe, I'm gonna go get a drink. Do you want anything?" Ria leans up and talks into my ear over the loud music in the room.
"No, I'm fine," I answer back and let go of my hold on her fingers. She leaves with Lou and Amelia to the bar.
Wait, shit. Why do I feel thirsty all of a sudden?
I turn my attention back to Jules and she continues her insane story about the time she went scuba diving and snorkeling in the Bahamas.
"So my friend, Barbara, you remember Barbs, right? The short, sometimes uptight, blonde? Anyways, she made this huge deal about protecting our skin and putting on sunscreen. She even had a fucking meltdown when she misplaced her bottle of sunscreen and she basically forced us to go out and buy a new one." She stops to laugh as if remembering why the story was so funny. Even though she hasn't told me what happened next, I find myself laughing my guts out with her.
Her face is red and her eyes are watery but she stops to take a few short breaths before continuing.
"So we bought this knock off sunscreen at a local shop and it was all natural and organic or some shit. Then Barbs get this insane allergic reaction and throws the biggest tantrum of her entire life!" She moves her hands around while telling the story for effect.
I kind of stopped listening to the rest of her story because I was suddenly distracted by how beautiful and nostalgic her laugh sounds.
And the way she smiles. Goddamn, that smile. I love the way her smile and perfectly white teeth just automatically light up any room. She's the light in this dark room.
A sudden pain sparks in my gut when I glance up and spot Ria with her arms crossed over her chest, staring boringly at the wall behind the bartender.
I've never felt so conflicted in my life. I'm being unfaithful just for even having feelings for someone other than Ria.
Ria did in fact change my life and I fucking love her... at least I think I do. She was the reason I was able to put my all in a relationship again and to date until the end, and not just for fun.
But then with Jules, I've always believed that first loves are forever. She was my biggest relationship and the fact that she's in my life again should mean something, right?
And now I'm caught in the biggest dilemma in my life.
No...
I could never do that to Ria, nor will I ever will. It's just the universe fucking with me. The universe is trying to see if I'm faithful to Ria enough that I'll disregard any uncertainties and feelings I currently have for Jules.
The past is the past and I've worked so damn hard to get over it. To get over her.
Ria soon comes back to the rest of the group with Lou and Amelia following behind her. She smiles up at me, and as if she's read my mind, she hands me a bottle of water.
Even this small gesture doesn't help with the situation at all because now I'm realizing that she knows me more than I thought she did.
I silently thank her for being so understanding that I don't want to get rid of Jules completely in my life.
But right now, I'm stuck choosing between my first real love and the girl who saved me from the dark abyss of heartbreak.
RIA
A lot of people left the party already, and the waiters are already started to clean up but people are still lingering with their conversations, including our little group.
We migrated from standing awkwardly at the entrance to the lounge area in front of the fireplace.
I've honestly been zoning in an out of the conversations and I haven't been paying much attention to whatever Amelia was rambling on about. But being trapped in my own mind and not out here conversing with my friends is a dangerous game. Because now I'm starting to grow anxiety for fear of our future.
Mine and Harry's relationship is pretty much long distant. His music label's main office is back in London so he doesn't really have to be here in New York.
It would probably be easier if Harry and Juliette got back together because they're both living in London and they'd see each other all the time. Harry wouldn't feel neglected and he'd be getting all the affection he could possibly get 24/7.
Their past relationship was kept completely under wraps and nobody knew about it except for them and close friends. So now that they've been seen together a few times in public, the media is starting to label Jules as his best friend and me as his girlfriend.
And now I'm starting to remember how they used to label me as the best friend when Harry was with Elise for that stunt.
Anxiety starts to fill my body at the thought of Harry and Juliette's relationship evolving like how ours did as friends.
I shake off the terrible, jealous-filled thoughts from my mind before my chest starts to sting again.
However, my irritation towards Harry starts to grow even more now because he was the one that convinced me to try "love" out only for him to potentially ditch me like he did with Elise. It's just the way they're interacting right now makes me feel like our fate won't be in my favor.
"Ria?" I hear a voice say and am snapped out of my thoughts. I look up in confusion and see Lou staring right at me with her eyebrows raised in anticipation.
"Oh, what?" I ask and look around the group to see everyone else staring at me as well.
"We made plans to road trip to Disney World since Amelia has never been and she's only here for another week," Lou rephrases her statement that I was zoning out of when she first mentioned it.
"And I'd rather road trip than fly," Amelia adds. Harry and Jules are also intently listening in on the conversation so most likely the group includes them for this little Disney vacation.
Harry rests his hand on my back and looks at me with soft eyes.
"I don't mind staying another week if you wanna go," he suggests. I initially don't want to go just because my anti-social altar ego is making a comeback, but I also low-key want to keep an eye on Harry and Juliette's budding relationship.
Because there's no doubt Harry wouldn't reject tagging along if Jules is going as well.
chapter song: “Don't Say Goodbye” by Sammy Johnson
RIA
New York City, New York
"Alright, which one should I display more tonight? Cleavage or ass?" Elise asks holding up two different dresses in each of her hands. One dress looking way too short and skin tight sure to flash people when she bends over to pick something up. The other dress is a little longer yet the chest is exposed significantly.
"Cleavage definitely," Lou chimes in as she bursts through the doors of my bedroom, throwing herself on my bed and closing her eyes.
Amelia follows after and says "I agree. You already have a big ass, honey," she says and lays next to Lou.
They're already dressed and ready for my birthday tonight, leaving Elise and I to finish up. I curl my lashes, touching my makeup up a bit, and straighten my hair, letting it fall behind my back.
"How are you and Mark?" I ask Elise. Lou decided to blast upbeat tempo music to get us in the mood requiring me talk louder than usual.
"Great! He finally moved out to LA with me and is attending UCLA to study law," she responds as she swipes a tube of lip gloss over her plump lips.
"That's great," I say and she nods in agreement. Then I find myself wishing for my relationship only to turn out as easy as hers.
"Where's Harry?" Elise asks.
"I don't know... he hasn't texted me yet. I'm assuming he's still stuck at the airport or in traffic or something," I say with a little disappointment. I grab my phone from the top of my dresser checking to see if I got any new notifications. I didn't.
After about an hour of changing, talking, and opening up presents, we're all finally ready to hit the nightclub. I personally didn't want to do anything extravagant, a night in would've been fine, but Elise insisted since she was in the city for the weekend and wanted to hang out with me.
Where the hell is Harry? I've been texting and calling, he should've landed hours ago.
Right before the guard at the front lets us in the building, I check my phone one last time to find nothing there for me.
But Harry was supposed to be our body guard tonight...
I'll just wait it out and see what happens.
❀
"Here ya go, babe," Elise practically yells over the loud music as she shoves a bottle of beer in my direction.
"Can't," I say and point at the bright, neon colored stamp on my wrist.
"Ahhh... you're such a saint! Let's dance," she slurs and Lou and Amelia both shriek in agreement. The three of them help pull me up from my spot on the sofa and lead me to the dance floor.
I roll my eyes and laugh at how insane they look right now under the influence.
How did I end up being the party mom on my own birthday? Whatever, watching my three idiots act like idiots is entertaining enough.
"You've been staring at your phone for the past hour!" Elise yells and snatches my phone away, shoving it into her clutch, and leading the four of us to the middle of an uncomfortably warm and sweaty group of drunk dancers.
I still a feel a little worried about where the hell Harry could be. But I decide to try to let myself run freely and not think about it anymore.
Elise grabs my hands and encourages me to jump and sway to the music I don't even know the lyrics to. It's almost as if I'm feeding off of my friends' drunkenness when I start to feel my adrenaline pump up.
A few songs later and I'm laughing my ass off at Lou's stumbling, Amelia is already making out with some guy nearby, and Elise is dancing wildly without a single care that she looks like she'd just rode a motorcycle on the freeway without a helmet on.
My legs and arms start to cramp and feel sore, my mouth feels dry and in desperate need of some water so I take that as my cue to take a break. The four of us make our way to the VIP section that Elise reserved for us and I immediately relax on the large sofa, resting my feet on the coffee table in front of me. Elise closes the curtains behind her as she sports an evil looking grin.
"Happy Birthday Ria!" they all yell in unison as Amelia drunk videotapes my reaction to a completely shaven, muscular dorito looking male wearing nothing but a speedo and a tie strutting in. I feel someone place a light plastic tiara on my head followed by a pink sash reading "birthday girl" across the front.
"No no no," I squirm in my seat, trying to avoid the man's hip thrusts in my direction. Gross.
The idiot trinity starts yelling and chanting while throwing dollar bills in the air. I let out a breath of relief when the man moves away from me and starts grinding on the other girls.
I wonder how Harry would be reacting if he were here right now.
Harry...
"I'm going to the bathroom!" I yell over to Elise and she nods, mouthing a "suit yourself" as I grab my phone from Elise's clutch and escape the group. I'm grateful for the VIP area having a private singles bathroom.
The second I get in, I close and lock the door behind me, struggling to turn on my phone. After an agonizing couple of minutes, the screen finally comes to life and the notification panel floods with multiple calls and texts all from Harry.
Finally. I'm glad he's okay. Maybe he got caught in something or his flight was delayed.
I scan through the notifications before I decide to respond and one text from Harry in particular catches my eye. It reads "I'm so sorry," and my heart immediately starts to race.
Before I could even respond, I'm distracted by another text from someone I know from the tour crew reading "Check this out," followed with links to news articles. I open one of them from TMZ and it's full of paparazzi photos of Harry and Juliette in London.
Again, I didn't want to jump to any conclusions but that didn't stop the way I felt my heart pouring out of my own body.
A mix of heartbreak and disappointment flood through me soon to be followed with betrayal and serious anger until all I'm seeing is red.
I don't even realize that tears are travelling down my cheek until I reach up to wipe them away.
No. He doesn't get to do this to me. Not on my own birthday.
But I just want to know why. He wouldn't cheat on me! And I don't think he's stupid enough to hang out with Juliette in public where there are obviously paparazzi around. And why wouldn't he tell me?
My chest aches again and only one thing comes to mind that I know will help ease it.
I run over to the sink, pump mounds of soap into my hand and scrub furiously at the stamp on my wrist.
I storm out of the bathroom and make a beeline straight to Elise, grabbing the drink out of her hand and downing it before realizing that it was actually just ginger ale.
"Whoa, girl, if you wanted a drink you could've just asked," she chuckles and leads me to the bar.
I don't care about anything right now and I just want to have a good time and not have anything or anyone ruin it.
❀
I feel so... giggly... and loud... and slow. And I also feel like as if I were to just lean a centimeter to the left then I would fall straight to the ground.
"Whoa, Ria, watch out!" Lou says and extends her arm to my side to stable me. I giggle into her hair when everyone's faces start to blend together creating a beautiful palette of colors.
"Which key is it? Damn, Ria, how many keys do you need?" Elise fumbles with the keys to my apartment and I laugh as she tries to solve the puzzle like a really hard math equation.
Eventually she figures it out and the four of us stumble in. My immediate instinct is to remove these deathly shoes cutting off circulation in my feet. I plop myself down on the couch when Amelia runs to my side and hands me a makeup wipe.
"The most important step, honey," she slurs and I take the cloth from her, rubbing it intensely across my face as I try to focus on not stabbing my eye. This must be the hardest thing ever.
Haha. That's what she said.
When I stand up to throw the wipe away, I'm reminded by how unbalanced I feel standing up. Am I on a boat? Captain Ria at your service!
"Ria! Answer your damn phone! The ringing is making my head hurt!" I hear someone complain. I look around the room and try to find the source of that obnoxious ringing when I find my phone screen lighting up from the floor.
A candid photo I took of Harry at a restaurant we ate in Copenhagen flashes across the screen. At first my heart races at how hot he looks in that picture but then irritation overpowers every other emotion. I snag the phone off the ground and stumble into my bathroom.
"What do you want?!" I nearly yell into the phone.
As much as I'm so irritated by Harry right now, his voice heats up the already warm blood in my veins, simultaneously sending chills yet I ache for his touch.
"Daisy, babe, I'm so so sorry! I missed my flight and I'm about to board the next one over to New York. Happy Birthday!" I'm pretty sure he added that last part as a diversion.
"Don't Daisy me! So what? Your phone just magically decided to not work?"
"It was off when you were trying to call, I swear! I tried getting a hold of you ever since I saw-"
"Were you late because you were too busy fucking Juliette?" I angrily slur as I hold the grip on my phone tightly.
"... What? Ria? Are you drunk?"
I thought the words coming out of my mouth were clear and I tried not to slur but that obviously didn't work out. Instead of answering, I roll my eyes knowing he can't see and end the call, tossing my phone frustratingly on the counter.
"Ugh!!" I exclaimed rather loudly. I quickly change out of my stupid dress and into more comfortable clothes before walking back out into the living room.
The girls walk in and out of the guest bathroom, all changing into their own nightwear. I tie my hair up into a ponytail when Lou walks up to me with her phone in her hand and an annoyed look on her face.
"It's Harry. He wants to talk to you," she says then mouths the words "hang up."
"Harry, leave me alone!" I whine into the phone's microphone.
"Okay! Fine! Yes, I was late because I was with Juliette. I felt really guilty for being with her but I swear we weren't doing anything! We just ran into each other at a friend's lunch party and we were talking and before I knew it, I was already late! I promise you th-" I hang up on his ass.
I never saw myself as the expressive jealous type but it kind of sucks at how easily he forgot about me.
"If any of you get a call from Harry just hang up," I announce.
"Is everything alright, love?" Amelia asks from the couch with genuine tone of concern in her voice.
"It's fine and as much as I know you guys want juicy girl talk, I'm really not in the mood and my head hurts." I sigh and plop myself back on to the couch, turning the TV on to some rerun of The Office.
I look around at the girls and I can see that they're totally pitying me. I can see their side glances and the way they try to take extra care of me just shows it.
I should've eaten... or drunk water or something because I'm already starting to feel nauseous and a migraine coming up.
I hate falling asleep angry but I'm afraid that that's how I'm going to be for a while now.
❀
Fuck... I feel like I've just eaten an egg sandwich and then spun around in circles a thousand times, I feel fucking awful.
My eyes strain to open and I wipe at the guck that's formed overnight. My head hurts, I should probably take some tylenol.
I realize that it was a really bad idea to get up so quickly because now I feel the bile rising in my throat.
I run at the speed of light to the bathroom and I'm glad I make it on time as I vomit into the toilet bowl, stopping frequently to catch my breath. The smell only makes me want to throw up even more and so I do.
If this is what a hangover feels like... I'm never drinking again.
When I feel like there's no more stomach acid for me to regurgitate, I rise slowly and stare at my disgusting reflection in the mirror. Taking off my makeup while drunk was definitely useless considering my undereyes are still streaked with mascara. And I must've forgotten to wipe the lipstick off as well because now there's lipstick stains everywhere on my mouth area except for on my actual lips.
I take the time to shower and clean myself up because I know that if I move any faster then it's another trip to the toilet.
I dress myself in sweatpants and a loose gray t-shirt and I take one last look at my reflection in the mirror. My eyebags are especially prominent this morning, probably from all of the crying I did before I finally fell asleep last night. I don't bother to put on any concealer since I won't be going out today.
I look over at the clock on my bedside table telling me that it's already noon. My eye catches a bright yellow post-it that wasn't there before. It's a note hastily scribbled from Harry saying that he's sorry and to let him explain himself and to meet on the roof.
I don't want to, but if it weren't for my curiosity and the fact that I'm so deeply in love with him, my feet move for me and I feel as if there's some magnetic pull to where he is on the roof. As I walk out, I notice the girls still sprawled across the couch and on the floor, deep in sleep, all of them snoring heavily in unison. I should probably record this shit... for documentation purposes of course.
Hmmm, in the daytime the roof isn't as appealing as it looks. It's empty and the floor is dirty.
I immediately notice Harry leaning against the ledge of the railing. When he notices my presence he rushes over to me with his arms wide open but I put my hand up to his chest to stop him from moving any farther.
I cross my arms over my chest and look up at him, waiting for him to say something. I honestly have such little patience right now and my head feels like it's going to explode in any second. So this better be good...
"Lou told me that you got pretty wasted last night. And since you're kind of inexperienced, you wouldn't have known to drink water or eat anything so you most likely have a bad hangover right now," he says what I was least expecting him to say.
He hands me a box bottle of coconut water and a to-go box full of a stack of pancakes and fruit. I roll my eyes at his gesture but take it from him when I hear my stomach start to grumble.
"Coconut water is for people trying to start a new healthy lifestyle after running a mile for the first time in their lives," I comment and he laughs but I didn't intend on lightening the mood with a joke.
"Look, I don't care if I annoy you to death but I won't stop apologizing because I really am sorry. It was a shitty thing of me to do," he says and I nod in agreement. I hoist myself up on the makeshift chair we made out of old beer crates and Harry follows suit.
"Jules and I used to be best friends," he reminds me causing me to frown a little. "Yeah we used to date but we don't have anything going on romantically anymore. You and I do. I full heartedly love you and I understand if you feel like slapping me across the face, you have my full permission, not that you even need my permission because you could do anything you want. Just maybe lighten the impact a little because I know how strong you can get." He squeezes his eyes shut and scrunches up his nose, preparing himself for assault.
Diyos, he makes it so hard for me to hate him.
I understand that these sort of things happen and this was the only first time it did. I'm only afraid that this could end up being a routine and I don't want to keep making up excuses for him. No matter how much I love him.
I startle him when I lean up and place a kiss on his lips, something I've been wanting to do for a while. I break away first and he opens one eye to assess my expression.
"Are we okay?" he asks as I take a sip from my coconut water. There's just something magical about coconut water that makes me feel so refreshed.
"You don't understand how shitty I felt last night after having to find out that you blew me off to hang out with your ex-girlfriend. I understand you're trying to make amends with her so I'm forgiving you now but the next time it happens, I'm out," I threaten, not really sure if I'll actually act on it in the future.
"Daisy, thank you thank you thank you!" He flings his arms around me, tightening his grasp.
"Jules and I used to be really close and she's still a nice person. I'd still like to remain friends," he says into my shoulder and I can't help but feel a little jealous that he wants to stay friends with his first love. I realize that I have nothing to say and end up being really quiet.
"If that's okay with you, of course," he quickly adds. "I won't if it's not okay with you."
I want to say that I'm not okay with it but I also feel like I have no say in what he gets to do in his life. It seems too controlling choosing who he gets to hang out with and who he has to remove from his life.
"I guess," I shrug.
"Are you sure you are?"
"Yeah..."
"Are you one-hundred-absolutely-percent okay with it? You know we're just friends, nothing more, and that I love you."
"Are you trying to make me second guess?" I teasingly ask. He lets go of his death grip and reaches down to a bag near his feet. He pulls out a gift bag and says a "Happy Birthday," before handing it over to me.
I search through the gift tissue when my knuckles touch something cold. I pull out a gold embroidered picture frame with a photo already installed within.
"That's the picture the nurse took of the three of us on the night before Lani passed away," he says and I reminisce on the memory. I remember us having to retake the picture like ten times because the ancient woman of a nurse either kept putting her fingers over the camera or accidentally snapping photos of herself. That was until we let her go and found a younger millennial looking nurse to take the photo for us.
"I love it. Thank you, Harry," I say and wipe a tear that's escaped on the side of my eye. He swings his arm over my shoulder and I lean into him as I beam at the last photo ever taken of Lani.
chapter song: “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?” by The Shirelles
London, England
"I can't believe it's already the last concert," Harry comments as I brush a lint roller over his suit. The crowd is screaming wildly behind the curtains causing Harry to repeat what he's saying twice so I could hear him.
"It's been a long nine months," I sigh.
"Has it already been that long?" I smooth out his suit one last time and fix the fallen strands of hair on his forehead.
"Don't go too hard because Lou's birthday party is also tonight as well as the end of tour celebration," I say and playfully point a scolding finger at him. He rolls his eyes and smiles before leaning down and kissing me. We're in London again for his last concert and Aunt Amy is throwing this huge thing tonight.
"Ugh, can't we just skip it and go to bed?" he mildly whines and I laugh a little at his double meaning.
"No, it means a lot to Lou. Good luck!"
"Thanks babe, I love you," he says and pats my behind as I walk away.
"I love you too."
Flash forward to the party and Harry and I are sitting in the corner on a couch, with me on his lap, watching Lou get absolutely drunk off her ass. The room of the hotel is kind of like a makeshift mini ballroom with tables full of exotic cheeses and waiters walking around with glasses of wine. Colorful lights flash across the room and women in alarmingly high heels walk around like dogs walking on their hind legs.
"I don't even know half the people in this room," I comment and sip from my glass of water. I lay back further with my back against Harry's chest.
"They're just a bunch of beauty friends Lou knows," he says into my ear over the loud, thumping music. "She's either worked with them before or went to school with them or something."
An involuntarily laugh escapes my lips when I witness Lou from across the room try to walk only to trip over her own feet and a whole swarm of people running to stable her.
We sit like this for a good 20 minutes, just people watching and avoiding conversations with Graham's business friends, when I feel Harry's warm lips on my neck. He's bored but I don't stop him. He continues to plant small pecks in a line on my neck when I make awkward eye contact with a woman nearby. I immediately cease Harry's movements and slightly push him away seeing that we're in public.
"It's too loud in here! Let's go to the roof or something, I'd much rather be with you somewhere else!" Harry suggests over the loud music.
I nod and stand up from his lap and help pull him up to his feet. He holds onto my hand and walks his way through the crowd of expensively dressed people until we finally end up on the roof.
To our surprise, there are a few people occupying it from the party but when we turn the corner, we discover a separate seating area far away from everyone else. Harry sits back on one of the large sofas and I sit right next to him. He pulls my legs so that it's resting on his and starts playing with a strand of my hair.
"Daisy, I know I tell you this a million times but I'm really thankful-" Harry starts to say but I interrupt him by placing my finger on his lips to silent him.
"Sshh, shut up real quick. I think that I should be the one thanking you." And now we get to the cringey part of the story where two people confess their undying love for each other for the thousandth time. Except now I'm fine with it and will gladly have this conversation a million times only if it's with him.
"You've really changed me. You gave me hope to an unknown world I've grown to love so much. I honestly wouldn't have known how I would've reacted to Lani's death if you weren't there to comfort me," I admit and push the strand of hair on his forehead back with my thumb, resting my fingers on the top of his head.
"Cringe," Harry teases after a few seconds of silence and I roll my eyes and swat at him playfully.
"Shut it, Styles, I'm working on it," I laugh and kiss his cheek only for him to pull me closer, attaching his lips once again to my neck.
"So what's next?" I ask.
"What are you talking about?" he asks still continuing to trail kisses from my neck up to my jaw before planting a quick one on my lips.
"I'm going back to school in New York. Won't you be staying here in London?"
I knew the time was coming, I just didn't expect it to get here so fast. We need to have this dreaded talk.
"Only for a little bit for work. I'll obviously try and spend more time with you in New York," he says as if that diminishes every problem. I'm a little unsure but I decide to let it go for now considering Harry is trying to seduce me and already has his hand under my dress.
He ruins the moment by pressing his lips against my neck and blowing air to make a farting sound.
"Gross!" I laugh and try to push him away but he only pulls me closer, holding me in his grip tighter and continuing to blow raspberries on my neck.
At this point I'm laughing way too hard, my stomach starts to hurt and tears start forming in my eyes that I don't even notice that someone's walked in on us.
My eyes widen in shock and embarrassment as I push Harry's face away, remove myself from his lap and muttering a small "sorry."
This woman standing near the corner has a skin tight dress on and her legs are so beautifully long I don't even know why she's wearing heels. She has a startled expression and she seems frozen in place but she's making it more awkward for the three of us by just standing there.
Like, move along lady, put your daddy long legs to use and walk away.
Seriously, why is she still standing there?
"Jules?" I hear Harry breathe out next to me.
Hold on a second...
HARRY
I'm not sure how it's possible but after seeing her after all these years sparks some sort of stinging sensation in my chest.
She's as gorgeous as I remember, maybe even more so now, and I noticed she's dyed her hair a darker brunette shade since I last saw her.
I hate to admit this, but it's like all of the hard work I've been putting in to get rid of any unresolved feelings for Jules instantly dissolves at the sight of her. I thought I was over it until I recognized that glimmer in her blue eyes and the adorable smile that caused me to fall so deeply in love with in the first place.
What's happening right now? This is so fucking wrong.
My thoughts are interrupted at a feeling of someone tugging at my shirt. I'm brought back to my senses and turn to see Ria tugging at the hem of my shirt, looking just as confused as I am.
Jules speaks out after an uncomfortable moment of silence. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt anything. Lou just told me you were up here," she avoids my eyes and shifts awkwardly on her feet, not knowing whether or not she should leave.
"N-no, you didn't interrupt anything. I... I-uhh..." I stumble with my words because I'm confused as shit right now. I look back and forth between Jules and Ria, suddenly realizing there's something missing.
Just as if God hit me in the back of my head with a brick, reeling me back to my senses, I shake my head and clear my throat when I notice Ria awkwardly sitting there, aimlessly staring at the floor in front of her and fumbling with her fingers.
"Ria, this is Juliette. Juliette, this is Ria, my girlfriend," I introduce the two of them and the tension reaches an all time high.
"Hello, it's uhh- it's nice to meet you," Juliette says and walks over to Ria with an extended arm. Ria politely shakes her hand and returns the greeting. "I should probably go," she adds but a stupid part of me is starting to wish she wouldn't.
Am I a fucking maniac?! What am I thinking right now? This is so wrong in so many ways I swear I'm being mind controlled by some dumbass right now.
I can't be feeling this way especially after everything with Ria.
"No!" Ria surprises me by saying. She stands up from her spot on the couch. "I'll go. Juliette wanted to talk to you anyway."
Okay, what is her motive right now? I can't tell if she's testing me or not. Right before I decide to say that that's probably not a good idea, she gives my hand a reassuring squeeze, telling me that it's really alright.
"Are you sure?" I ask just for good measures. She nods in response, and offers a small smile to Jules before turning the corner.
❀
She laughs, scrunching her nose and covering her mouth to muffle the laugh she claims sounds like a donkey sneezing.
After talking for a while up on the roof we were kicked out by security guards so we migrated back downstairs to the party room. Fortunately for us, the room was already empty by the time we got there albeit the few people cleaning up the huge mess. The bartender even offered us their last bottle of wine for the night before taking off.
So I'm not quite sure if it's the alcohol or her laughs that are warming my chest right now.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was in town, I was kind of invited by Lou last minute when she found out I was here in London," Jules apologizes, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear and leaning further back into her chair.
From what I've heard, she's spent the last couple of years in Chicago attending business school or something. Now she's thinking of transferring to a school here in London.
"It's alright," I chuckle and sip from my glass.
"I'm only in town visiting my sister for her wedding," she says and clears her throat. "You wanna know what's so funny? I caught the bouquet!" she laughs and I laugh along with her, remembering how she feels about weddings.
"No way, well now you've gotta get hitched! Maybe pick up some dude at the local club, fly to Vegas, and get married? You're family's counting on you now," I tease and she rolls her eyes.
"The superstitious tradition is unnecessary and gross. I only did it as a joke but then I actually caught it! I swear my sister threw it directly at me for that purpose," she laughs.
"Probably," I shrug.
A few long seconds of silence pass before she speaks up again. "So... you and Ria?" She raises an eyebrow.
Her reminder of Ria causes my heart to shatter a little bit. I'm a jerk for letting her leave and I should probably be preparing myself for the fight we're bound to have.
I guess the honeymoon phase didn't last long because now it seems like we're both treading water and acting cautious around one another to make sure we don't set the other one off.
I do think that our first big fight as a couple was supposed to be a milestone. I just hate how we handled it though. We avoided and ignored each other for so long it makes me wonder if that's how we're going to start handling arguments from now on.
"Yeah," I respond. Jules just nods and I'm glad she doesn't interrogate me any further.
I don't know what to feel right now but I do still very guilty for even having the smallest bit of feelings for Jules. I feel like I'm cheating.
RIA
I've been laying in bed for hours now and it's already two in the morning. Harry still isn't back and the party ended almost an hour ago. I assumed he's still on the roof talking with her.
Diyos, I don't wanna be that girlfriend. They're probably just two friends catching up but I can't help but feel jealous and a little bit betrayed considering they have a history. A pretty long and important one at that.
I should be trusting Harry and not doubting him. Maybe I'm just over analyzing things.
I'm a little pissed about how Harry behaved earlier, telling Jules that she didn't interrupt anything, when clearly she did, and for pretty much dismissing me after that. I don't even know what I was expecting... for him to dismiss her and follow me?
No, that would be silly... I'm not even sure he's over her yet which causes my chest to tighten tremendously.
Was I stupid enough to think that our relationship could work? Maybe he just felt obligated to start some sort of relationship with me because we were together all the time and he thought I was cute.
Our most recent fight just proves how bad we handle things. Maybe he's just feeling lonely...
As I thought of all this I was tearing up in the shower earlier and I'm sure my eyes are still red. I wasn't even full on ugly crying, it was more like the silent one where you just stare at the wall blankly.
I still don't feel like jumping to any conclusions until I can talk to Harry about it later.
Right when I'm on the brink of falling asleep, I hear the door slowly open and close and then a pair of feet shuffle across the room before the bed dips down next to me.
"Daisy, are you up?" Harry whispers and lightly nudges me in the arm.
"Yeah..." I whisper back, choking back on my own tears.
"Are you okay, babe?"
"Yeah," I repeat trying to lighten my tone so that he doesn't get suspicious. I don't want him to think of me as some crazy jealous girlfriend and I for sure don't want to start some sort of fight right now.
Suddenly, he turns me around and an involuntary sniffle escapes me as he assesses the dryness and redness of my eyes.
"Have you been crying?" he asks with concern.
"No," I answer quickly but he gives me the look. "I watched an episode of Grey's Anatomy and it really upset me," I say trying to sound convincing.
"Bullshit. I've seen you watch an episode where your favorite character dies and you didn't even shed a single tear." He catches my lie.
"Fine. I was." I sit up as he turns on the lamp on the nightstand. "I didn't want you thinking I was crying over something so stupid."
"Continue..." he urges me on.
"I don't know... I just felt a little jealous when Juliette came out of nowhere to talk to you." I avoid his gaze.
"Ria, I'm sorry I made you feel that way. I assure you nothing happened... in fact, I'm glad we talked. It kind of gave me closure and we just spent the rest of the time catching each other up on family and work and shit... nothing happened, I promise." He reaches out to me and pulls me to lay back with him.
This kind of lightens my mood knowing nothing happened. I'm just going to have to trust Harry that he's telling the truth.
I'll let it go this time. I really want this to work out. I'm not going to turn into a sad sack again like what happened with Justin.
This time I'm going to try to keep something so fucking important to me.
I want this to work.
I want to be with Harry despite how annoying, irritating, sloppy, clumsy, charming, smart, and gorgeous he is. He was the first to break my shell and save me.
Harry and I walk hand in hand as he leads the way, maneuvering his way through the crowd of paparazzi and fans here at the airport. We're constantly being stopped by fans and Harry keeps his grip on my hand tight as he leads me through the crowd. He stops a few times to take pictures with people and even I do the same.
Still weird.
A security guard nudges us from behind and yells at the crowd, startling me, to move out of the way.
The second we get into the van, Harry and I let go of each other's hands and Harry rubs the back of his neck.
I didn't want to say anything to anyone but Harry and I have just been parading the past few weeks with fake smiles.
Graham quickly goes over the schedule and says that Greece is the second to last country of the tour. Shit, this is all coming to an end way too fast.
After a long and nearly silent drive, we finally arrive at the hotel. This time I decide to room with Lou and Amelia. I claim that I won't be seeing them for a while after the tour ends and want to spend as much time with them as I can. But really, I just can't spend another night in an empty bed when the one person I want laying next to me is only 20 feet away.
A group of us, including Harry, are walking along the corridor with our suitcases in a baggage cart being pushed by a hotel employee behind us.
Harry gets to the door of his room first and his head snaps up in my direction when he notices that I've passed him and am still walking with the rest of the group.
"Where are you going?" he asks with a confused look. Lou and Amelia stop just a few doors down, unlock the door to their room, and walk in with their own suitcases.
"I'm going to shower and change before the concert tonight," I answer timidly.
This is probably the most words we've spoken to each other in weeks and I'm not sure if I feel happy about it yet.
"Well, why aren't you going in here?" he asks pointing to the half opened door in front of him.
"I don't know... it's weird, I guess," I say and avoid his intense gaze.
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know... we're broken up, wouldn't it be a little weird if we continued to share the same room?"
"You thought we were broken up?!" he asks in disbelief and I've never wanted to punch someone more in my entire life.
"Well aren't we?" I inquire. He stays silent for a few beats.
"I don't know..." he says quietly. I click my tongue before turning on my heels and continue walking to my room.
"Ria, I'm sorry," I hear him say and soon after a wave of relief and also bewilderment flood through me. I must be hearing things.
I slowly turn to face him and a pained look has taken over his face. I can tell he's been holding it in for so long, I just don't know why he would.
"I'm sorry and I should've apologized earlier but I was just so frustrated over your stubbornness and not wanting to listen in the first place," he says all in one breath. I walk closer to him, pulling my suitcase behind me, so that we could talk more quietly without having the entire hotel floor listen in on our problems.
"I'm sorry for not being there for you and for all of the things you've had to deal with in the past couple of months. I'm a very sucky boyfriend because of it. I'm just tired of not being civil about it and that was childish of me. I just want us to get over it... I don't even care if we're still together anymore I just don't want you to hate me."
"I don't hate you," I sigh.
He looks behind me and he moves to grab the suitcase in my hand before rolling it into his room. I can't stop the smile forming on my lips when I follow.
After talking for hours, sorting out our problems, and discussing our feelings, I feel like I've finally exhaled a long breath I've been holding in for weeks. I finally feel like everything is okay.
Okay, no, that sounds so stupid. To my future self, who is probably reading this to reminisce on the past of her glory days, hello. This is my first diary entry... like ever. I always thought these were stupid because it basically gives people full access to my thoughts. But then I discovered fancy shoe boxes with locks on them. I'm only starting this now because it's Lani's birthday today and this is the journal she gave me as a going away gift last summer. She gave it to me to document my adventures since she wouldn't be able to be right by my side during them.
Anyways, Lani, if you're around here as a ghost or some shit snooping through my stuff and come across this journal, I already know you're going to be reading this. So let me just make this a little letter to you.
Lani,
Happy Birthday!! I miss you and I miss how our parents would combine our birthday parties in the middle to May to save money and because our birthdays were so close together anyways.
I have great news! I finally applied to a college in New York and I have a few ideas about what I'd like to pursue...
My hand is cramping and my handwriting already looks so awful so I'll talk to you again when I have something more juicy to spill ;)
❀
*5 days later*
Lani, I'm writing this to avoid talking to Harry right now. I think he's staring at me and I'm too scared to look up.
Yep, he's staring.
We had a really big fight this morning and I left and have been giving him the silent treatment since then.
During breakfast, Ruth congratulated Harry on the "#HarRia" hashtag trending more in the media right now than any other couple in Hollywood because of the awards show and all of the public dates we've been going on recently. She joked around and said something like "Looks like you'll be getting that tour now!"
Like what does that even mean?!
Well it turns out that they promised Harry another leg of the tour if he keeps his appearance in the media high.
He's only been fucking using me this entire time, Lani! How could he? I really thought that what we had was real... It's true that you probably shouldn't trust everyone you meet in the business.
I really don't know what to feel... when I left after breakfast I just broke down in the bathroom.
Harry obviously came swooping in denying everything that's happened.
We yelled back and forth for a good five minutes and I don't even remember what he was trying to argue about. It's probably some bullshit excuse anyways.
It hurts being with someone only to find out they're not who they say they are and that it's all just a facade.
But you know what's the most fucked up thing about that?
I'm used to it.
I've already been through it before but it doesn't make it hurt any less that I'm so in fucking love with Harry. More than I've ever been with Justin.
I seriously thought it was all real. And I honestly would've given Harry more time to explain himself if he tried, but he didn't. He just complained about how I'm stubborn and how I don't listen rather than explaining the problem in the first place.
And I would've forgiven him but he didn't even try to fight.
I don't know what's going on with him. Just a few days ago we were acting all head over heels for each other and now we can't stand each other because of our flaws in disagreement. We're both too stubborn to fight.
Maybe this was his plan all along.
He wanted us to fight so that he could avoid me and we'd eventually break up.
It was too good to be true anyways.
Just another disappointment flying by in my life.
❀
*5 days later*
Lani, it's been almost five days since Harry and I last talked and I don't know what that means for us. Is this really over? This stupid little argument is what's the cause of our splitting up?
Whether or not we stay together or split, I do feel a little guilty for not even listening to what Harry had to say or trying to reconcile with him first.
At first, Harry said that he always thought we were gonna end up together anyways and that he didn't make that deal with Graham and Ruth just for the attention.
And now the fact that Harry won't even talk to me anymore, I feel like the tables have turned.
I still don't appreciate Harry's untruthfulness and I would've forgiven him by now if he at least tried to talk to me.
It's three in the morning right now and I'm sitting on the top of our hotel's roof here in Switzerland.
It would've been lovely to go visit the Swiss Alps with Harry or something. Instead, I visited it with the whole crew and even though Harry was there it didn't feel the same.
This is also the first time Harry and I didn't sleep in the same bed for a while. The past five days we would just sleep on the bed facing away from each other. But when I got to the room after a meeting with Graham, I found Harry passed out on the couch.
I couldn't sleep and even though he wasn't acknowledging my existence anymore, I still found comfort in him being in the same bed as me.
I really miss him and a small part of me finds myself disgusting for turning into some codependent hopeless romantic who starts to feel unnecessary emotions because she's oh so hurt.
Is this it for me? I mean, I was right about my beliefs the whole time.
Maybe I shouldn't have agreed to being with Harry in the first place, no matter how charming he was. I should've gone with my gut because now I feel a stinging in my chest.
❀
*10 days later*
Lani, it's your one month death anniversary today and I'm missing you extra today. Especially in this time of my life where I just really need you.
It's very exhausting having to hold in all of my emotions and not have anybody in person to talk to.
I don't want to burden Lou and Amelia with my problems in which they'd probably side with Harry since they've known him the longest.
It seems like the only time my chest doesn't hurt from the pain, is when I'm asleep.
The worst part is that Harry and I aren't even fighting anymore. We're not fighting but we're still not talking to each other.
We don't completely ignore each other either and only talk to each other when we need to.
At this point, none of our problems are being solved and I just really want to find out if we're still together or not.
I'm too much of a coward to start the conversation.
Fuck I’m at a fencing tournament and literally a minute after I reblogged this my dad told me that he talked to the point people and I’m probably going to win a medal.
I need to follow up to say I reblogged this last night, and this morning I got some of the best news of my life, like, a life dream come true news thing.
FUCK, I though it was just another lucky meme but LISTEN. Since a week ago I was waiting a phone call to confirm me if I got a job or not in my university. I reblogged this yesterday’s night “just for fun and because I don’t want any bagel to be mad with me”, and today’s afternoon, while I was losing my time as always, the professor I was supposed to work with called me and asked me for my personal information to start working with her.
Last time I reblogged this, I was complaining to my mum how I never got to go on walks alone. Then, she legit said to me, “well why don’t you go down to *censored*?” Which she’d never let me do before. I had three hours. In a place half an hour from home. It works.
