he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
RMH
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@lovedungyy
SEUNGMIN – ‘ULTRA’ @ SKZ 5’CLOCK FANMEETING (250215)
I've been waiting for rapper Seungmin!! I need videos STAT 😭
hyunjin @ risabae makeup channel — year of the blue snake
For someone who feels such anxiety and the desire to unalive, i sure am foreward thinking as fuck. Why has it become so clear today that "forward thinking" is not the most common trait and that i should reframe my thinking of it- specifically for myself and what that looks like in my life.
I'm experiencing some massive discomfort when I think about my current life and how I'm supported, which is to say that the level of support has the largest space to grow.
when I was younger I didn’t understand why “may you live in interesting times” was considered a curse in ancient greece.
I get it now.
doesn’t get much more interesting than this
As a European, Americans solving their healthcare with gun violence is ahhhhhhhh
good for you
"Manipulative"
When I first heard of that from an ex as a common Scorpio trait, it became a fear that it was a trait of mine that I was unaware of. I questioned it for the last 10 years. I can see certain moments in my life where that may have subconsciously been the case - performing or acting in a way in hopes of a positive outcome returning. It was a trait that felt ugly to me because it's tendency is abusive in the larger part of when it's seen in people.
I think I've finally put it to rest, my conflict with "manipulative's" negative implications as a trait. I know that my actions are rooted in love but I am also mindful in pulling back how much of myself I throw at people. There's also a redirection of energy where instead of thinking "I want to show love by doing [something] for them," I realize that I need to spend that energy on myself.
To take an initial feeling and changing it's direction, I guess I consider that a form of manipulation which feels alchemic. After all, it's all a matter of framing, no?
"The nature of love is self-abandonment."
In the sense that we are all god and god is within us.
I recall a conversation in my young adult years a topic which hasn't been revisited in my lifetime as of yet. On the topics of ourselves and our nature, I had said I wanted to be a martyr of love. The friend asked me why go to such lengths as to be a martyr, noting that at the time, I did not understand what that word meant in its entirety. I do know the meaning of that today and the stance hasn't changed.
There's a lot of me that would love nothing more than to have a pure love that comes from the purest of intentions but after a few decades, I'm learning that those lengths may not be realized within most.
In the sense that you need to be able to see yourself and your flaws, that is how you move forward with healing and thus are able to love and let love in. In my shoes of having been so hungry to receive love, my nature is by being everything else that I didn't like. My chapters of lackings, absentness, void, I act in the manners to be something for someone else that I wish I had.
In my healing journey, I am understanding more that you [should] give the love to others to yourself. I try to acknowledge more how awful I am at taking care of myself so I desire for someone else to love me in a way as to also give me care. I understand that there are things I can do that will allow me to care for myself so that I can meet other's on a level that doesn't burden them.
[[But I wanted to write this because from the viewpoint that Watt's proposes, love has existed in me for a long time. Those things are what life's about. It wasn't until my second bout with depression that I questioned my ability and handling of love which was heavily twisted by social media opinions. I've come to realize my issue with it, that I'm now able to account for - opinions from social media come from ALL walks of life. We need to understand that having access to the internet means it's many different voices from many different places so when there is a popular opinion that you don't understand, you need to remember that they did not come from the same background is you.
This is to also mention cultural and social differences. Considering this, this means that how we approach and value life may also be fundamentally different.]]
I am grateful to get to know his words in my day and age.
I'm gonna get so good at dealing with crying that I won't even wish to be comforted.
Why wish for something that doesn't exist?
I'm all bark and no bite.
I say a lot of things and don't follow through with it.
I have good intentions and mean well but I have a poor external perception of myself.
I don't put in a lot of work yet believe i can do it. Is that arrogance?
I'm bad at taking care of myself. I'm okay with giving care to others.
It feels like my life was never about me, especially in my formative years. Dad's strictness and trials were meant to make me a better person. The hardships that I faced did ultimately make me a good person but not for myself. No words of encouragement, no words of motivation, mostly words depicting dutiful responsibilities as a wife.
I wanted to get this out before I forget because I haven't deeply explored why I don't care for myself as I should.
I had a thought of "every man in my life has fucked me up in some sort of way, except for my dad."
Then I remembered that I'm quite fucked up BECAUSE of my dad 🫠
Ive had this saved in my phone since April
for some real context rather than screenshots of other social media sites here's an article by the player in question covering the event