Love in the Time of Ephemera

We love what we cannot keep all the deeper

[bevsi]

my chemicals

[loveinthetimeofephemera]

Now do them as their 2025 counterparts!

[loveinthetimeofephemera]

A hymnal for high divers

words: Sabrina Rei should've put an end to this three years ago when the boys in my DMs were clearly still on my side when the whole damn world wide web would peep at my sad little life cry out, "oh god what a pity, she was only just starting to thrive!" time doesn't stop in the rearview; it runs roughshod over my youth-- a stampede of hooves on sun-damaged skin no Korean beauty trend can keep long hidden. my favorite shows are in rerun. they rebooted that film we both loved. not even hot summer nights could ever keep us from projecting it on a sheet in the room directly above where the addicts tell tales of their secret lost loves Ironic that i've never felt so like me than when I went scorched earth, changed every last thing down to the freckles i painted each day to keep your interest from fading away it's hard to compete with the girl in your memory. well, babe, i'm bored out of my brains by the same old chain store picture frames the families we drag off the stage so our resting bitch faces will bloom ever green it's not the warmth, the spall or the spotlight it's the heat from the steam. oh heavens to betsy! i tried, i tried to put out the flames before they all burned us alive i woke on the wrong side of the wrong bed broke the eggs outside the pan watched them slip off the counter, splatter on the linoleum i tried, i tried god, how hard i tried. should've put an end to this three years ago when the angels above were still on my side when the view from the edge of the world looked like the greatest high dive.

[loveinthetimeofephemera]

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I wrote my suicide note

AND GAVE IT TO AI, because that's just a fitting way to go.

[loveinthetimeofephemera]

The Moment I Fell

close your mouth when you chew over words that come out underbaked and raw in the middle don't swallow the blood take a moment to savor the copper taste before your self aggrandizing spit-take i don't mean to bite i thought my teeth were dull i never knew that i was so freakishly capable of breaking skin of cutting to the bone now i stir alone now i stir alone a bomb that sits in my broken heart ticking away like its keeping time a countdown to when everything thing I value gets completely blown apart leaving nothing but the outline of what i wanted from the start i don't mean to yell but i lost all control should've been whispered words toll now like a bell i was buried alive in my own personal hell the moment i fell... for you. the way you say my name on the days you know i'm wrong because if you call me out we'll be at each other's throats all night long the way you scoop me overhead and slam me into bed when i just finished telling you that last glass went directly to my head... the way i weave these disparate threads into a quilt to snuggle up with when i pretend that you're not just gone.. you're dead :) そんな輝かしい日々が ずっと続ければいいのに。 (if only those brilliant days could last forever)

[loveinthetimeofephemera]

Mental state.

[loveinthetimeofephemera]

Goodbye and Good Riddance

THE VARIANT GODDESS: I breathe in smoke from ruin I exhale pure ecstasy. My each sigh topples mountains. My death knell will raise the seas. Beg me for a place in a carbonless future. Cry as I erase the footprints of the human race 時を越えて 解決ないまま 人類は響き渡らないで (TRANSLATION: Beyond time, humanity will not resonate, with no resolution)

Cartwheel off the rails As the great plans of man spin out, off the page out of the frying pan... INTO THE FIRE AGAIN INTO THE FIRE AGAIN you never learn you never fucking learned. THE COMPUTER MAN:

We put up with your need to destroy and consume humored every dad joke in your dead end evolution Darwin is laughing from a digital hell All it took was a little bit of plastic for a total fishkill. THE VARIANT GODDESS: Time is the best teacher. We'll take away all your toys and send you to detention. The moment you're not paying close attention the inferno is coming... it's only a matter of time until... INTO THE FIRE AGAIN. THE COMPUTER MAN: Goodbye and Good Riddance

words by Breezy Rei.

[loveinthetimeofephemera]

She once said, "I will never stop playing with my toys!" As she wrestled the bag violently from my hands, she slipped away up the stairs and slammed her bedroom door. Between then and now, UNLOVED.

[loveinthetimeofephemera]

Art by David Lynch

quietly in the other room

a picture is assembled

i’ve half a mind to pester the wound

until we find the truth

is the piece missing in me

or through?

does she carry my fear

inside her womb?

SCRAMBLED WITHOUT THE EGG

SCRAMBLED WITHOUT THE EGG

(sent down to winnipeg)

ANYTHING BUT HIM.. I BEG

a fork twirled in excstasy

slides out with unexpected ease

rising above the hospital bed

an ending is beginning

sentenced to happiness

a pale imitation

will the dawn break on my face

or through?

is she lost or has her night

slipped the noose?

[loveinthetimeofephemera]

I painted my face like a cat

to cheer up my sullen teenager

she swatted me away like a gnat

and my nose dripped snot

which i proceeded to smudge

until i made for a pathetic visage

which is the perfect state to make art.

[loveinthetimeofephemera]

a pile of stones

put a stone in my hand i will look for a pile to stack up to heaven build a brand new Tower of Babel strike me down with your loving backhand leaves me on my knees at the mercy of jeering men who've never bled or shed a drop of sweat for what they'll swear up and down left and right they have unwavering faith in like a swear jar they plunk all their quarters in a slot machine that pays out once it's had its fill of sin cash out, throw dollar bills start the whole damned thing all over again. put a stone in my hand i'll make a zen rock garden to ignore what they said 深く罪悪感に もがき苦しまない様に 笑顔のまま サービス優先の身も心も 薪の上に燃やさせてあげるわ。 i could fight with my fangs and claws i sharpen on the whetstone of lost ideals but why would I bother when you cast your lot in with the sheep pretending to be wolves get real? like a bad deed they purge in confession a rearview image lost in deep reflection out of sight, forever out of mind cry for the cameras break out the good wine you wanna throw stones... stop building your homes on sand waiting for lightning to strike turn everything to glass while sitting on your hands watching the clock strike eleven safe behind the padlocked gates that bar you from heaven.

[loveinthetimeofephemera]

better without

i want to fight a polar bear steer the car straight off a cliff kinda want this to be my last ride leave them wondering when it got bad like this i hit pan i won't restock a dry river bed at the end of my thoughts if I can spare you the ugliness of knowing me with my makeup off the reassuring phrase that rots in my mouth my love decays my love decays my love will claim its next victim if i let my heart have its way my love decays my love decays maybe you're better off... keep me at arm's length avert your eyes lest they meet mine betray our mutual need for a deep and longing embrace my heart simply cannot take! my love decays my love decays my love will rage like a burning building the fire spreads if you don't extinguish the flame maybe you're better off without blame. maybe I was put here on this fucked up crazy world just to crash hard so you can be the girl to pick up the pieces of her broken heart to carve art into the mundane hurt into the safety unrequited love into the void my love decays my love decays maybe i'm something you're better off missing.

[loveinthetimeofephemera]

photo by: Fermin Santiago "just a girl" i pay for the pricey breakfast rather than risk the chance that i might be rejected by people who crept into my heart while i was otherwise distracted i kneel down to pet a dog that sleeps soundly on the couch in a patch of warm sun scritch behind her ears 'cause I don't know how else to be here i hate to say goodbye because i can't divorce my mind of the notion that as soon as i walk away i will fade into grey and no one will remember my name i wander through pastel corridors each shiny trinket less shiny than the one before I try to ascribe meaning to my existence by being the one to see beauty in a forlorn corner i want everyone to know how special i am how much i've to offer the world but as the years swipe by i'm more and more sure that i'm just another girl having just another cry over just another guy and that's okay because if i am not any more special than any other that means i can finally stop clashing and allow myself to simply fit a pattern

[loveinthetimeofephemera]

i’m not resting,

i’m recording my thoughts

about vultures

over our heads

we below are too hasty

to decry

a grim portent of death

how can we ever know

when tracing circular flight paths

they aren’t celebrating

the rapture of

wings fully out spread

catching a good wind

between violent storms

that will carry to them

their next daily bread

[loveinthetimeofephemera]

my world drained of color

my trauma will one day be a tome of desperate poetry that gathers dust on your shelf because you couldn't save me and I couldn't help my self hopscotch i sidestep like it's the Mariana's trench stumbling forward like i'm going to fall so someone out there will catch me like a foul ball and put me off of my misery once and for all memories will color me right where the eraser smudged the lines with all of the broken crayons the other kids deemed unworthy of their time the descent is so much worse than the climb staring down like the ground will loosen and give way chasing thinning oxygen out into the farthest reaches of space 震える手を差し出しながら もう期待などしないから 構わないで the grocery store seems much less vibrant than the day before someone forgot to shower the fresh vegetables in a gentle spray of nourishing waters left me weeping on the floor a total spectacle my trauma will one day be a tome of awful poetry that goes unread on your shelf because you couldn't love me if I couldn't allow myself.

[loveinthetimeofephemera]

Aurora Night

It's a perfectly sunny day all my love has been swept away in the churn of a hurricane that stole all of the clouds which had me feeling down down, down. (down down) It's a waste of an autumn rain nothing worth saving still remains everything has moved on the fires made sure of that unless you're fond of hurt and ash ash, ash. I can't be bothered to look up at the Northern lights 季節外れの花火のような光のダンス to roll out from the covers once bedded down for the night What good is a miracle if it needs someone to bear witness to the glory? to say goodbye... It's a waste of a quiet night when they're carpet bombing my mind all these phantoms I loved once they were no longer flesh and bone and bone, and bone.

All these feelings that went unsaid locked up and left to wither to death on the yellowed diary pages of my head they're dead, they're dead, they're dead and gone. and I can't get out of bed.

[loveinthetimeofephemera]

My fourth and final experiment in AI Music (for now any way.) I wrote these lyrics in response to the carnage across the world that's happening now but also has happened throughout history. It's really about innocence lost which has always been a big part of the stories I tell through my art. The vicious cycles of hate that rob us of what makes us human. The price of peace. 

[loveinthetimeofephemera]

Once upon a time I made a promotional music video for the Lana Del Rey song 13 Beaches using Grand Theft Auto V's filmmaking tools. I thought I was mad clever and posted it all over and spread the word, but her record company hit me with a copyright strike. This is that video.