braiiiiiiiins @loveisneuroscience - Tumblr Blog

feeling ~*~super great~*~ about being a queer woman living in the usa rn

Know an amazing way to start the new year?

Being around brave, beautiful people who take risks and encourage you to be brave and take risks and having that bravery pay off.

And having whole entire swathes of yourself being recognized, accepted, and loved. Especially by yourself.

#go to therapy folks #in my experience #therapy holds a mirror for you to see yourself and eventually you stop trying to reject that #the truth

What is being unsaid

#wtfwt #imbbbipmh

i get knocked down but i get up again you're never going to keep me down

#ugh #like i kind of knew it was a long shot #but it would have been great to get #just like everything else ive applied for #but also #tonight i will stay down a little tonight and maybe tomorrow too #ill get up wednesday

I've started writing down a few motivational phrases at my desk at work (something I've always sort of rebelled against bc ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ my brain is weird) and today I added:

CHUMBAWUMBA

#just keep swimming #first drafts arent meant to be perfect #strong words short sentences #CHUMBAWUMBA

In the midst of seeing everyone getting grants and having manuscripts accepted, seeing the Twitter threads this week of who has had rejections is kind of uplifting (and not in a schadenfreude way). Big names struggle, too. So there must be hope. But on the flip side, it makes me feel like if they struggle, where is the hope for me?

Academia is a little soul crushing.

#but if the big names struggle #where does that leave me #an absolutely miniscule name

loveisneuroscience

I'm most afraid that the medication won't change how I feel, that how I feel is just my normal and nothing can change it.

loveisneuroscience

Ok so one week on, still early days but some observations:

I had a few days of pure irritation. Like, legit, everything and everyone annoyed tf out of me.

I had one day where I woke up super refreshed, which was amazing bc I normally feel tired all the time. But the next day, it was back to tired. So, maybe fluke.

I've noticed I don't or can't multitask the same. If I'm watching something, I'm on my phone. But the last few days, I've actually set my phone down and paid full attention to what I'm watching. Same with audiobooks. I haven't been able to really listen and do stuff on my phone lately.

But like I said, it's still super early days and maybe this is how I would have been this week sans medication, but we'll see.

I think a big litmus test will be the vacation. I'm not bringing work. I feel less panic in my chest when I think about all the shit I need to do. I'm really hoping I'll be able to recharge and have fun, and come back with a fresh mind.

#the funny thing is i have my follow up the same day aa my next therapy session #and i havent been to therapy in about a month bc of travel and schedules #so itll be an interesting catch up session #mental health #anxiety #maybe feeling better #definitely not feeling worse

I'm about to start a week long actual vacation wherein I will not be taking any work along with me. I haven't done this is SO long.

#im kicking it off by starting season 3 of stranger things

I'm most afraid that the medication won't change how I feel, that how I feel is just my normal and nothing can change it.

so i started taking something for anxiety.

#i hope it works

That (maybe) awkward moment you like a tweet on your timeline and then realize it's from someone you actually work with but aren't following on Twitter but someone else you don't know but follow liked it so THATS why it showed up and now you don't don't whether you should start following the person you DO know?

#tbf it was a great tweet #also the whole reason i was on Twitter in the first place was to maybe complain to npr about fucking up all my podcasts #and then saw they're already dealing with the issue #so who wants to be THAT person who just dumps on the problem already being solved?#not i

I'm responsible for finding someone to invite as a speaker for our seminar series and like... I'd love to invite someone that isnt our typical speaker but dear god it's difficult. I wish I had some better tools than just filtering through society directories.

#do you know anyone #who is doing addiction research #preferably alcohol #preferably molecular #and is mid-career #and would like to come speak?

Me: *is super overwhelmed with work*

Me: *tells pi that I'm super overwhelmed with work*

PI: *assures me it's ok*

PI: oh, I am going to this conference and am giving a talk, I might need some figures from you.

Me: sure!

*days go by*

PI: (while out of town on vacation) hey can you make a poster for me for the conference?

Me: