I have this account that just sits here because it's predecessors have all been deleted for drug use and bad taste videos of said drug use.... so why do I even have this account if I'm afraid to use it and it'll be deleted?
So I'm going to go another route this time around. I've just gotten out of jail and I guess how most people react... it's like new years all over and my personal pledge is; to be kinder to myself and to be more honest.... not just with myself but others to.
How easy it to throw my truth out into Tumblr right? But I feel like for someone as deceitful as me... it could be q genuine step in the right direction, a local anesthetic to my big incision of truth if you will.
Some people say the truth will set you free, I kind of think "yeah but first it'll cut you deep and probably hurt a hell of alot more than the lie I wanted to tell you instead"
I spent so much of my life trying to make others feel more comfortable, comforted.... even if it meant outright lying or turning myself into the villian so they can walk away a hero.
Even at my detriment I have chose others comfort over my own, I feel this too... is why I find myself in such awful situations. A people pleaser never ends up on the winning side of life, they never have pockets full of cash and usually don't have many people left in their corner. Because when you're not hostile and you're unwilling to hurt others for your benefit you're quite.... let's just say boring.
So I find myself where I am now in life... about to leave my 30s and be the big 4-0
With no real achievements under my belt beside raising 2-now adults who... let's just say "you're welcome world", cause I know whether I'm here or gone you will be thanking me for these 2 adults at one point or another. The thing is, I raised them... no I didn't have babysitters while I worked and my husband worked so we could afford a good life and half assed future adults. My husband worked (shitty low wage jobs) and I stayed home... it wasn't easy... I know that's what everyone assumes. I was just lazy and sat around watching talk shows and slammed it for 18 years. Honestly that couldn't be further from the truth, but I could see how anyone could assume that. Sometimes I assumed it from myself.... but I was there when they were even a minute late off the school bus, I was there for every cut and bruise and every fight they had with their friends, I was ther3 when most parents were not.
I chose poverty but along with poverty I chose my kids having someone there every step along the way questioning them, their intentions, holding them accountable and being there for them when they needed me where they needed me to be, home.
If you think one second poverty was slumming it, or easier than working.... it was not... at times it was hell and I worked alot harder keeping our heads above the water with the little we had; than I would've if I had worked at a job where I wasn't fighting to survive off the scraps of what little we had.
But when I look at these adults that I raised and steady and structured lives... I see what I did and all of it was fucking worth it.
I haven't regretted it yet, I don't think I ever will.
So you're welcome world. You're welcome for giving you 2 adults who can take a punch that the world so often gives out as party favors, they aren't shocked when shit doesn't go their way, they don't need a safe space to protect them from reality. They've faced some heavy shit; before they could even choose if they wanted to be working or in college. They've faced more than most grown people have faced before they were grown. It wasn't planned this way but it happened and I wish to God I had been better at handling some of it... but if any of it had changed I'm afraid they wouldn't be so amazing and strong like they are now. I didn't raise kids who think the world owes them something. I raised kids who think they owe the world something. I couldn't be more prouder.
From here on out; thus Tumblr won't be about my fucked up aftermath. It's going ro be about the positive and the truths and the hard ones at that.
Welcome to my world Tumblr.
