six days of a love story. from its beginning to its end.
ā
pairing // kim taerae x fem! reader; other characters mentioned are hanbin and kim chaehyun on the readers side, and junhyeon and matthew on taeraeās!
genre // fluff & angst; university student! au; he fell first, she fell harder-ish; itās based on six selected day6 songs!
word count // 14.5 k
tw // not too sure, insecurities in oneās own feelings but if there are any more lmk!
playlist // here (i recommend listening in order but i can't really tell you what to do so! have fun!)
authorās note // iām back!! so sorry it took so long but i genuinely loved writing this! it was so much fun, i tried to keep it kind of realistic but itās been a while since my last relationship so iām not too sure i succeeded lol! anyways i hope you enjoy reading and that it was worth the wait!
!!! reminder !!! everything i write about on here is entirely fictional and in no way am i saying this is how the people mentioned would act in real life! itās all just pretend! ā”
How come when the skies turn grey, heavy clouds like curtains keeping out the light, we forget the vivid of the blue, the warmth of sun? How come when the winter months set in and the trees stand bare, we forget the rustle of the leaves as the summer wind hums the tune to July? How come when a person enters our lives, we cannot imagine our life not knowing them? But how come, once the same person leaves, everything reminds us of them, like a ghost coming back to haunt us, to remind us of what could have been?
1. hi hello
The smell of coffee, polite smiles, and the morning rush. It was usually around May when you noticed that the hot chocolates turned into iced americanos. An established tradition for your co-workers and you, was to buy the drink for the first customer who ordered it iced. A welcome to summer, a deed to make someone smile. Of course, the lot of you usually ended up giving out more than one free drink, not only because of miscommunications, but mostly because it seemed like the right thing to do. Thus, you and the other employees were more grateful than ever that your boss was as lenient as he was, usually laughing it off, and popping an ice cube in his steaming hot cappuccino as a gesture. Nevertheless, he was sure to give a stern warning (or a friendly reminder, as he liked to call them) to not give out any more free iced drinks once the first week of May had passed. You usually just smiled at your phone as the yearly text made all of your phones whistle in unison.
The first Friday of May was here and with it you had hoped a comfortably busy day at work. The weather was embracing the light mood of the university students running around near campus, and you were convinced more than one of them would crave an iced beverage of some sort.
You had been cleaning the espresso machine, making sure everything was bound to run smoothly for your next order, when the serenity of the afternoon made itself known to you: No customers were queuing for their orders, the inside-tables of the small coffee shop were empty, the ones outside just as unoccupied, which was due to the unexpectedly harsh sun, who warmed the cement for the first time, radiating it back towards the already heating air. It was to be expected, the parasols were still packed away in the storage room in the back of the shop. Sighing you rested your head on top your hands looking through the opened front as the quiet outside world was conquered by the sunrays of early May. You could feel the cool of the counter spread onto the palms of your hands, as the dooming boredom of your uneventful work afternoon towered over you.
At the beginning of your shift, your boss had asked you if you would be fine alone for a few hours today, you had agreed reluctantly, as it could have very well gone wrong, but now you were glad that you had not insisted on anyone else coming in. You knew Hanbin was busy with dance practice, and that Chaehyun had been excited all week for a date she was going on today. Having one of them come in unexpectedly and then do nothing all afternoon, would have been not only a waste of their time but also of your bossā money. So, you supposed, it was fitting for this particular Friday to be slowest day ever. Even though it meant boredom for you. Oh my god, this was going to be a long afternoon.
Time was passing three times as slow as it usually did. In the past 15 minutes you had been sure three times, that it was time you started the closing duties, only to realize that merely a handful of minutes had passed. You had grown so impatient with today, that you considered turning the time forwards, so that you could close early āon accidentā and go home. Of course, as an amazing employee you would never do anything like this ever, but it sure crossed your head once or twice (or three times actually). Sighing at the clock once more, you retreated back to your position with your head resting on the counter as you wait for the seconds to creep by.
Immersed by the ticking of the time and so busy tapping the rhythm of the melody stuck in your head that you didnāt notice someone approaching the shop, until the bell announced his entry.
āHi,ā a rather low voice greeted as you scrambled into your usual upright position behind the counter.
āHello!ā You smiled at the young man in front of you. He must have been around your age, maybe a little bit older, but that was judging by his voice. His appearance was sweet and youthful, his smile bright, his hair a little messy, but just the right amount. Charming. He was the kind of boy that would star in a Taylor Swift music video. Classic friends-to-lovers. You had to suppress a small giggle at the thought of it.
In the moments between his greeting, your greeting and the Taylor Swift fantasies, your brain still found the time to wonder what his order would be (it worked fast like that). Maybe something classic like an iced americano? Or something unexpected like a strawberry latte? You had been so bored, alone the thought of making a drink excited you beyond reason.
āWhat can I get you today?ā you asked with a practiced, but this time more genuine than not, smile on your face.
Ā It was a nice spot for busking, the shade from the trees making it cool enough to perform in the summertime as well. Your eyes darted to the guitar bag slung across his shoulder, lips caught between his teeth as he expectantly waited for your answer.
āOh. So, you donāt want a drink, huh?ā You really tried to suppress the disappointment, but judging from the look on his face, you werenāt doing a good job. Well at least you would soon have some sort of entertainment. And who knows, maybe he was so good, heād bring in some customers.
āDo I have to buy a drink to be allowed to busk?ā His eyebrows shot up, his expression changing from sweet to curious.
He smiled slightly, determined to satisfy your need to prepare a drink for him, āActually, I could use a little bit of a refreshment.ā
Matching his expression, your face now showcased a bright smile as you handed him the menu. You werenāt sure if he could tell how grateful you were to finally be able to do something other than stand around and check the time, but you tried to show it to him by whipping back and forth slightly, stealing glances at him as he decided. You waited patiently as he studied the menu, tongue poking out between his teeth. He was cute, in a clueless kind of way.
Finally, he lifted his head, adjusted his guitar, slung over his shoulder, and cleared his throat, āActually, could I maybe get a bottle of water?ā
You were about to cry. A whole menu full of drinks ranging from coffees to mochas to fruit teas and smoothies, and this man wants a bottle of water? You were sure he could see the disappointment written on your face once again as he looked up from the small piece of paper in his hands.
A somewhat apologetic smile rested on his lips; he knew what he did.
āWater?ā you asked again, just to be sure. Just so that you didnāt misunderstand and accidentally got the man a water instead of the strawberry matcha latte he just ordered.
āWater is free.ā That interrupted his mental face palm as you smiled politely and pointed to the jug to your right. It was filled with fresh orange and lemon slices as well as mint to give the water a little something. Usually, the taste of the fruit would not be that strong as it would get refilled and emptied quite quickly, but today it had been standing around for a while, so you were sure it would actually taste a bit like the citrus and herbs floating inside of it. You supposed the boy would be in for a treat.
āThatās nice.ā Thatās nice?
āDo you need a cup for it to take it outside?ā As you were speaking, you already turned around, grabbing one of the paper cups and a pen ready to write his name on it. You realized it was unnecessary to do this for a mere cup of water, but in all honesty, you were just as intrigued by the man in front of you, as you had been disappointed by the lack of creative drink-ordering; You wanted to know the name of the man that gave you hope just to take it all away from you again.
āWhatās your name?ā you smiled innocently, already setting the pen down to write as you looked at the man through your lashes.
āOh. Uhm Taerae.ā
You chuckled, āOkay, Oh-Uhm-Taerae,ā you handed him the cup, āEnjoy your water!ā you winked at him, smiling as he filled it up.
Taking a sip of his water he set down his guitar and finally let out a dramatic sigh, he didnāt realize needed to leave his body right this second. There was not much to his busking set up, just him and his guitar, a stool, and a small speaker. Taerae used to have a booklet with all of his favourite songs, but he knew them by heart now, so no need to hide behind the notes. Matthew always said he would hide his face behind the pages, and when he first performed without it there had been twice as many people, not because he was better, but because people could see his smile. Taerae wasnāt so sure that that was the reason.
The sun was getting lower and lower as Taerae procrastinated starting to play. He could feel as the anticipation radiated off of you. You had settled back behind the counter, still watching him as he pretend to tune his guitar for the nth time. Taerae couldnāt hold eye contact with you for longer than an accidental moment, if had been able to, he would have seen the amused smile on your face as you sipped on a glass of water yourself. Taerae had his āOh-Uhm-Taeraeā titled cup sat on the ground beside him. He had blushed even more when he had realized how you had teased him and was sure youād get along great with Junhyeon once he introduced the two of you. If he got to ever introduce to his friends.
He was sure by now you could tell he was stalling, so with one last look around the area, and one last sip of his wonderful water, he strummed his guitar.
Taerae was happy he could bring you some business. He was also happy that your very distracting eyes didnāt linger on him quite as intensely as they did during his first song. It had been a successful busking for him even after his first struggles. The sky had eventually turned darker and darker, and the air had gone crisp with the last goodbyes of what once was winter. With more and more people leaving it was time for him as well to wrap up. At one point there had been so many people, it was almost impossible for Taerae to see the front of the store, making it difficult for him to confirm that you were still watching, paying attention to him. The awkward interaction out of his mind, he was happy to catch you look at him during any free moment of your now busy work afternoon/evening.
Zipping up his guitar, Taerae got ready to leave. He could still feel the guitar strings giving way and embedding themselves under his fingertips, thatās how he knew it had been a good session. It was quiet now that he had stopped playing, no spectators left but the first cicadas welcoming the night-time. Taerae would have just left if it hadnāt been for jingle of keys followed by a soft āWait a momentā that caught his attention.
He turned and sure enough there you were, bag slung over your shoulder, hair tied out of your face, revealing a smile and gleaming eyes.
āHi,ā you smiled.
āHello,ā Taerae reciprocated.
You handed him the takeaway cup you were carrying, adorned with a neat āOh-Uhm-Taeraeā. You smiled as he raised his eyebrows at the nickname, his own heart swelling at your chuckle.
āItās tea,ā You explained, āI figured you could use some after singing all afternoon.ā
He nodded, bringing the beverage to his lips. The stark contrast of the cool May night and the heat of the tea made him realize how his body had cooled down, āThank you. Itās nice.ā There he goes again with his nice. He rolled his eyes at himself.
āWell, thatās good! I can make more than water, you know?ā you smiled, āAnyways, thank you for today, you brought in more customers than any other busker has thus far. In the name of my boss and his business, I wanted to invite you back to play again. Preferably Tuesdays, Thursdays, or Fridays in the afternoons. Thatās when I work.ā
Taerae should have acted cool and said something like, Iāll see if I can make it, or I will if my schedule allows it, but instead he just laughed and nodded āokayā. He didnāt trust his own voice right now; it would probably give away his excitement.
āGood,ā You smiled satisfied, āThen Iāll see Tuesday, Oh-Uhm-Taerae.ā You turned to walk away.
āJust Taerae is fine!ā He was not going to have his crush call him Oh-Uhm-Taerae.
If he had been any smarter, he would have just said āTaeraeā. In fact, if he had been smarter, he would have not stuttered saying his name in the first place. But Taerae was Taerae, and you were you.
So, turning around, but not stopping your walking backwards, you smile mischievously, āAlright then, Just-Taerae, see you Tuesday!ā you could see his mouth opening and closing in retaliation, but before he could say anything more, with a slightly louder voice you said, āIām just Y/N, by the way.ā
Taerae watched as you waked away, smiling to himself, sipping on his tea, skipping on the way home. He had now been officially introduced to āJust-Y/N.ā
This Thursday in particular you had something planned, as you had let him know beforehand. Taerae was excited, a little bit nervous even, it was unusual for you to plan something, normally having Taerae decide what the two of you would eat and do. He was very good at reading people, and heād usually figure something out that fit with both of your moods.
But not today apparently, today you had decided, and Taerae had no idea what it was so, yes, he was a tad bit nervous.
It frustrated Taerae to no end that he did not have the same effect on you, as you had on him.
Sure enough, after another few minutes of waiting the familiar jingle of keys rushed Taerae out of his head, back down to earth. Back down to real you, not head you. He liked both versions equally, so he wasnāt complaining.
You grinned at him as you made your way towards the boy, āHi.ā
āHello,ā he greeted with suspicion. The expression on your face was foreign, but it really couldnāt mean anything good for Taerae, as it reminded him too much of Junhyeonās scheming face, you were scheming. In Taeraeās head there were only two options; Either you were planning some intricate prank with his friend, or you were planning something sweet, far from a prank, and Taerae would spontaneously confess in a waterfall of words and your newfound, yet very precious friendship, would suffer from it.
āWhy do you look so anxious?ā there was a somewhat nervous smile on your lips, eyebrows scrunched up in worry as you handed Taerae his post-performance-beverage.
Taerae shook his head, āIām not. I just donāt want to get murdered by you. So, before we go, I just wanted to remind you that my voice is a gift to the world, and if you are planning on un-aliving me today, that youād be taking it away from the whole world and everybody would be mad at you.ā
You looked at him, a half scoff, half laugh escaping your lips.
āIām serious, Y/N. Iām sharing my location with Junhyeon this entire evening.ā Taerae crossed his arms in front of his chest, awaiting your reassurance that in fact you were not going to kill him.
āWhat makes you think Junhyeon isnāt in on the plan?ā you smirked, while Taeraeās expression fell.
This joking manner was one of the only times Taerae could look at you without his heart combusting or his eyes diverting as soon as they met yours. And while you were laughing at your very lame retaliation, he had time to take you in. It was beyond Taerae how someone could make him so nervous yet so at peace at the same time.
āCome on now, Taeraeā you smiled leading the way towards the metro station, āhave a little faith in me, yea?ā
If only you knew the amount of faith he had in you. So, of course, Taerae followed.
*
Laughing and joking the two of you discussed all the songs Taerae played today. Thus far he had not played your request, which, like every time after a performance, you let him know by complaining excessively.
The station way bustling with people going home from work, students finding their way to their after-school-studies, and people like you; Looking for activities to end the day on a relaxing note. Out of instinct Taerae placed his hand on your lower back, guiding you through the sea of people towards the train as you were rambling on about this weekās songs and the lack of your favourites (although any song sung by Taerae was your favourite, but not that he needed to know that just yet).
Whenever you and him were together, you had noticed that you forgot the rest of the world existed. Not necessarily in the way, how everything else goes blurry and your focus was solely on him, but rather that real life just slows down a little bit. Whenever you were with Taerae, everything else just seemed less important, far away.
He, however, seemed always grounded. Even when you were excitedly babbling on, Taerae simultaneously smiled and made sure you werenāt in anybodyās way, yet still matched your energy and made sure to react to you. You never understood how he could be so focused on the rest of the world as well. It was especially frustrating because you could either focus on him entirely, or not at all; for you with Taerae it was an all or nothing situation.
*
The train was more or less ripping at its seams when you got on. You always wondered how so many people could fit in such a confined space and not get squashed. You had hoped that due to the nice weather and the rather late hour, it would have been a little emptier, but no, clearly nothing beats the AC of a subway. The hopes of a seat after a long afternoon of work had been abandoned a long time ago, as you got pushed closer and closer towards Taerae.
In all honesty, the boy was panicking. He didnāt know where to put his hands, what to hold onto as to prevent the both of you from falling at each halt the train took. His only hope was for the crowds to thin once the next big transfer point arrived. But until then? He wasnāt sure how to keep standing upright and breathe properly, with you this close.
āY/N?ā Taerae whispered barely audible.
āHm?ā You looked up at him, waiting for him to continue.
But just as Taerae started to speak, you saw the man behind him stand up from his seat. In an effort to not notice how close Taerae had been, you had heard him grumbling to himself how packed the train was and that he could get off at the next station and walk the rest home, but that had been three stops ago. Now that he was actually getting up, you had to act fast. The man pushed past you and in a swift motion you pushed Taerae against the seat, making him sit down with a thump.
You smiled at him triumphantly as his big eyes looked back at you. The man getting up and you pushing Taerae had happened so swiftly that, Taerae hadnāt noticed he had grabbed a hold of your hand as to not lose balance. And you hadnāt either, smiling happily to yourself as you stood in front of Taerae, shielding him from the masses.
Taerae however, would not have you stand when you had been the one working almost all day. He pulled you towards him, getting up at the same time. To spectators it mightāve looked like a twirl, a spontaneous dance on the subway. Well, as a result, you were now sitting and Taerae was leaning over you, satisfied with the change of position.
For a moment there had been a smug grin on his face, but it was soon wiped away by a blush, as he noticed a group of students squealing next to you, whispering to each other and giggling. You too had looked away from Taerae in an attempt to hide your flushed cheeks. But Taerae noticed. And he smiled.
*
From this moment on, the train ride seemed to go on forever. The crowd thinned as your stop approached and soon only a handful of people were in your compartment. Taerae had sat down beside you, taking one of the high-school girlsā seat once they got up and left, but only after they had made sure Taerae did in fact sit down next to you and not anybody else. It was kind of sweet. Still, you couldnāt look any of them in the eye as they got off the train.
Finally, your stop arrived and in a swift motion you got up. Taerae was excited too, he still didnāt know where exactly you were going, but now he at least knew the broad area; The stop was a little towards the edge of the city, where parks and playgrounds dominated the cemented roads. It was a nice change of scenery, and Taerae welcomed it.
Coming up above ground, he noticed how quickly the sun had set, the sky only showing remnants of the bright day at its horizon. You had stopped a few paces in front of him, finding it hard to regain orientation somewhere you hadnāt been in such a long time.
āWhere to first?ā Taerae asked, curious as to where you could be going this late. You had let him know beforehand that there would not be a grand meal today, and that he should eat something in between busking and yourā¦ date?
āThe convenience store.ā You explained, once you saw the small corner store you used to visit as a kid, āTo get ice cream, naturally.ā
So, the two of you made your way towards the store and after a few minutes of weighing options and discussing preferences, Taerae and you had decided on green-tea ice cream, and a caramel flavoured one.
āOkay, ice cream secured,ā you smiled at Taerae exiting the shop, āNow, Mr. Kim, I shall show you one of my favourite places of all time.ā
āWhat an honour.ā He smiled as he tagged along, catching up with you as you started in the direction of a small park.
It had been a little later than you had anticipated, making it a little harder for you to find the exact spot you were looking for. The trees were practically pitch black, and although there were a few lanterns lighting the way, they were too little and too far apart to actually help a great deal. The gravel crunched beneath your shoes as you snacked on the ice cream and made your way further into the green.
āThere it is!ā
As soon as the small wooden pavilion was in sight you tugged on Taeraeās sleeve to hurry. He had to admit, he wasnāt sure why you were this excited about a wooden structure in a park, at the other end of the city. He thought it was adorable, nonetheless. Coming up the small hill he saw that the pavilion overviewed a small pond, where this time strategically placed light illuminated the water surface.
āNice, is it not?ā you teased, smiling up at the boy. Reacting to things with a quick āNiceā had become an inside joke between the two of you, well for you mostly; It was fun for you, but Taerae usually just rolled his eyes.
āIt is.ā He confirmed, āBut why exactly are we here? I mean donāt get me wrong, I absolutely adore being squeezed together on a train for more than half an hour and then sitting in a park. Iām just wondering.ā
āCareful, Taerae,ā you narrowed your eyes at him, āI could still murder you and dump your body in the pond.ā
He laughed., āNo but seriously, what is this place?ā
āIām not sure. I just stumbled upon it one day during my first week of uni. It was strangely familiar and when I talked to my parents about it, they said we used to come here when I was a kid,ā you shrugged, āItās nothing super special but I just wanted to show you.ā
Taerae smiled at you, and you smiled back. It was one of these quiet moments you shared. Your friendship thus far had been filled with laughter and music and teasing, but every once in a while, a quiet moment like this made it special. Until someone decided to break the quiet, of course.
āYou should have told me; I would have brought my guitar. Properly serenated you.ā He pouted.
āNo more serenating, Iām growing sick of your voice Taerae, for real.ā You mocked, laughing.
This only made Taerae pout more, pushing your shoulder slightly.
The sound of your laugh faded, and Taerae observed a shift in your manner. The look you gave him in that moment sent a shiver down his spine and for a moment he wondered whether or not you had been actually joking about murdering him or not. You looked so unsure and serious, Taerae had never seen you this way.
In your life, not many days had gone your way. You werenāt sure if there were going to be a lot in the future that would. But you really needed today to go your way. Needless to say, you were worried. Of course, there had been another reason you had brought Taerae here; It wasnāt simply because you wanted to show him one of your favourite places, it was a reason as well, but not the only one. But now that you had to put your plan into action, you worried. You had been scared of your body reacting this way just before this moment. Your throat had dried up and your hands were slightly shaking and your heart, oh dear, your heart was going as fast as ever. Maybe you should just cancel the original plan and just, come up with a plan B? Was this a good idea? Did you really need to do this now?
If anything, the troublesome journey here had only confirmed your plans for today. So yes, you really had to get it off your chest, you quite literally couldnāt keep it in anymore. From the moment you saw Taerae today, to you grabbing his hand and not letting go (as if that was on accident), from the highschoolers, and everyone else on the train, as well as in your co-workers and friends, seeing what was right in front of your eyes. You just really had to tell Taerae.
āHey, actually, thereās another reason I brought you here,ā you forced a reassuring smile onto your lips, as to not worry Taerae.
You were terribly failing at not worrying Taerae; As his mind raced through all his possible wrong doings so that he could predict what horrible thing you were going to say, he kept quiet and anxiously waited for you to continue.
āWell, I wanted to bring you here because, I mainly associate this place with incredibly happy memories and I just wanted that to be a good omen, I guess.ā You were stalling. You knew that. Taerae probably knew that.
But Taerae also felt relief. It canāt be anything horrendous when you want this place to be a canvas for good memories right? No, right?
Taerae didnāt say anything. He watched your every move as you turned towards the dark that spread across the small body of water. He heard you let out a deep sigh.
This might go incredibly wrong. It might go amazingly right. Either way, you had to say it.
āTaerae,ā you started finally turning to the boy, āThereās no going back after I say this, but just know that itās okay if you donāt feel the same, I just need to tell you, okay?ā
A small smile spread across his face. Oh my god. He knew where this was going. He definitely wanted it to go there. He nodded for you to continue. In the moments between his motion and you starting to speak he thought about how he had failed as a musician. He sang love songs as a passion, he had been singing them as a hobby for years, he studied music at university, he was pouring out his heart to anyone who would listen, confessing to you every Tuesday, Thursday, Friday afternoon through the one language he knew, the one language that felt safe to him. Yet, here you were, about to confess to the boy who had been singing to you for weeks-
āI like you. As more than a friend.ā You offered him a nervous, crooked smile. The words leaving you lips much faster than you had anticipated.
āThatās such a relief.ā He answered.
āHuh?ā You looked almost scared, the blood draining from your face. Was this his way of rejecting you? No, he didnāt look apologetic at all, no pity in his eyes.
āThat means all the love songs Iāve been performing have not been in vain.ā He smiled taking a step towards you, brushing a stray strand of hair behind your ear, āI like you, Y/N. And Iāve been trying to hold it in, so you canāt even begin to imagine how happy I am that I can finally tell you.ā
If it were possible for human eyes to form themselves into hearts, yours would have changed by now. Whatever this man triggered within you, made your heart overflow with feelings, āThank god.ā You answered, making both him and you laugh.
In your nerves and relief and happiness, you hadnāt realized how impossibly close he was by now, even closer than he had been on the subway. You could feel his breath on your face and the warmth of his hand on your cheek. One last smile spread across Taeraeās lips before he finally leaned in to connect your lips to his. You met him in the last millimetres, eager to finally kiss.
It wasnāt perfect by normal standards; The two of you laughed and smiled into each other. You were a little awkward with your limbs, and a little too out of breath to be still considered sexy. Still, it was perfect because it was just the two of you. It was perfect because it was Taerae. It was perfect because it was you. It was perfect because you liked him, and he liked you.
The night was calm and cool when you and Taerae first shared a kiss. The sun had set, and the stars were watching, as your friendship bloomed into love.
Taerae had been waiting for quite some time, he was lucky enough to had spot a free table, right when he arrived to pick you up. He had also been lucky since he didnāt actually have to queue for his drink; Taerae, just like all the other significant others of the employees, got the boyfriend/girlfriend treatment; Their drink of choice waiting for them as soon as they entered. By now, you were sure he had finished his drink, even though you hadnāt finished work. You were supposed to get off half an hour ago, but with the floods of people coming through your doors, you couldnāt bring yourself to leave Chaehyun and Hanbin alone, feeling the responsibility as the longest and most experienced worker, as well as the burden of being a good friend heavy on your shoulders.
Not only that, but also your boss had spontaneously decided to go on vacation a week ago and had left you in charge. Although it had felt good to be entrusted with this responsibility, you had not anticipated the amount of work it would mean. You had worked almost every day, having to postpone meetups and get-togethers with not only friends and family, but with your boyfriend as well. The two of you had barely seen each other this week, and thus you wanted nothing more than to leave with Taerae and curl up on his couch just as you had planned, but apparently your customers had a different idea: Whenever you made your way over to his table, somebody asked for some special drink that only you knew how to make. Or the cash register decided to spontaneously combust. It was almost comical.
Every now and again yours and Taeraeās eyes met, and you mouthed an āIām sorryā, to which he just shook his head, telling you it was okay.
There had always been something magical in the way Taerae perceived you; He had gotten to know you so well over the past three months youāve dated, that he felt even if he was simply looking at you, he was experiencing something special, a unique feature to your relationship.
Ā So, it was okay. He really didnāt mind waiting for you.
What he did mind though, was how stressed you seemed; How you always did everything for everyone, more than what theyād ask for, just in case they needed that little extra; How you clearly didnāt see when there was too much on your plate, and still space on someone elseās. Taerae knew that you tended to do everything by yourself, and didnāt want to worry anyone, but Taerae was worried about you. He wanted to be your resting place, to be helpful in some way.
So, when you had finally found a spare minute to come to his side, Taerae couldnāt wait to be of some comfort, to help make you feel a little better.
āHi,ā smiled softly at the man.
Instinctively Taeraeās hand snuck around your waist, pulling you closer for maximum body contact. You smiled as the familiar warmth spread inside your chest, making you instantly ease up a bit, feeling more at home on this busy day.
āHello,ā he greeted, smiling up at you.Ā
You just smiled at each other for a moment, tanking up on some well needed calm and support, which only your boyfriend could offer. Soon enough however, your gaze was stolen away by a couple that had just joined the queue.
You sighed, āIām not sure Iāll be able to leave before closing.ā
āThatās okay. Iāll wait, I donāt mind. We can go to my apartment after.ā Taerae hoped you would agree, but he knew it was unlikely.
Your eyes were fixed on the clouds outside darkening the sky, making it seem later than it was, āHmā¦ Maybe you should go now before it rains. Iāll come right after locking up.ā You smiled at him, cocking your head to the side. A cute habit of yours, Taerae noted, but he could still see the tiredness in your eyes.
Pulling his eyes away from you towards the looming downpour, he was almost convinced. He hesitated because he just wanted to make sure you were okay and would get home as soon as possible as well.
āOkay. But make sure to hurry once youāre done, okay? And donāt get rained on.ā Taerae said while slipping on his denim jacket.
You nodded confirming his words and promising to get home as soon as possible, āThe rain will be done once Iām off, I promise.ā You smiled.
āOkay, weather fairy, Iāll see you at home.ā
He planted a kiss on your cheek and got ready to leave, the next occupant of the table already making his way towards the empty space.
*
It had in fact not stopped raining by the time you had cleaned the espresso machine and wiped down most of the tables. Hanbin and Chaehyun had left a few minutes ago, running towards the subway station, in the spare moments the rain had eased up a bit, leaving you to lock up alone. Now the rain was back to its full power, slamming onto the pavement, windows, cars, and soon you as well. You were afraid the small umbrella you found in the back of the locker room would not do much to keep you dry and warm on the short walk to Taeraeās apartment, but it had to be better than nothing.
The storm was just about to regain its entire might when you left the safety of your workplace. Turning the keys, you felt the cold wind hit your exhausted legs, sending shivers up your whole body, and sending more than a few leaves on their journey towards the ground prematurely. You cursed at yourself for thinking that late-summer-thunderstorms carried the warmth, that mid-summer-ones did. Struggling to keep the umbrella upright, you wrapped the bright blue zip-up sweater you had stolen from Taeraeās closet closer over your body. If there had been any more wind, you were sure would have been blown away.
In fact, you had been so busy trying to not take off, you barely noticed a figure hurrying in your direction.
An out of breath Taerae appeared in the far distance, his silhouette not only blurred by the rain, but also the impressive velocity of his figure running towards you. In Taeraeās hand you could make out another one of his hoodies and a definitely more sturdy-looking umbrella, more than big enough to fit the two of you.
He couldnāt help the smile as he pulled you towards himself, underneath the little shelter his umbrella offered āSo, this is where my favourite sweatshirt has gone to.ā He pointed towards the fabric currently keeping your body just a degree away from a shiver.
Unfortunately, you had been right about your umbrella being bad at its job, the sweatshirt now thoroughly soaked, āSorry,ā You smiled innocently, āBut hey, at least itās clean now.ā
Taerae shook his head, granting you refuge and additional warmth underneath his arm as he wrapped it around your body, pulling you as close as he could, āYou could have texted you know?ā he whispered in your ear, barely audible over the rain continuously slamming onto the thin fabric above the two of you.Ā
āI thought my equipment would suffice,ā you confessed, although you knew your umbrella would have been unlikely to hold up to this kind of weather, āIām sorry you had to come out to rescue me.ā
āItās what Iām here for, no? Serenating and rescuing.ā Taerae smiled, his hair curling itself back to its natural state, āUniversity student and professional busker by day, personal saviour and superhero of Y/N by night.ā
You chuckled; he really was your hero.
*
Finally inside and in dry clothes, you let yourself fall onto Taeraeās couch. As soon as your body touched the soft fabric, the sleepiness started to set in. Between the bustle of work and the adventure of running through the rain with Taerae, your body had gone from low battery to out of it completely. The only thing missing right now was your boyfriend, who was making instant noodles and a cup of tea for the both of you, insisting that you had made enough beverages today to last a lifetime, and you couldnāt agree more.
The day had been so long, and just an hour ago you had wished for nothing more than for time to pass by more quickly, but now that you had actually had time to spend with Taerae, you willed the clock to slow down for a bit.
Now in the warmth of Taeraeās apartment, you didnāt mind the weather at all; The rain was still going, tapping onto the windows nonstop, and flooding the streets outside without doubt, but what did it matter to you now that you were able to rest with your favourite person in the entire world.
Speak of the devil; Taerae set down the bowl of instant noodles in front of, followed shortly by a glass of water and a cup tea.
āThat looks so good, I could kiss you right now.ā You smiled looking at food in front of you.
āDo it then.ā Taerae turned his head towards you, expectantly waiting on the kiss you had promised.
āIt was a really hard day today, huh?ā Taeraeās voice was laced with worry, and it made you anxious. You didnāt want to worry him, there really wasnāt anything for him to worry about, he was helping as much as he could without worrying.
āIt was okay,ā you answered, a little too quiet for Taeraeās liking, āIām just glad I wonāt be in charge anymore next week.ā
While Taerae believed that the majority of what you said was true, he wouldnāt have you downplaying your feelings like that. He sighed, āYou donāt have to pretend with me, Y/N, you know? Iām here to help. I want to know when youāre stressed or feel bad or hurt.ā
In the past few months that you and Taerae had been dating, it was made obvious on more than one occasion that your boyfriendās love language was acts of service. Be it to drive you to your favourite bookstore, or to get you some medicine when you were sick. Taerae loved to just do things for you.
You smiled at your sweet boyfriend, your heart overflowing once again, āI know, itās justā¦ I can do this on my own. I donāt want to worry you.ā You nodded to yourself, feeling a little exposed.
āI get that, but the thing is, you donāt have to,ā Taerae took your hand in his, āThatās what itās like when you love someone; I want to share the hurt and the burden and the stress. I want to do it for you, and I want you to do it for me,ā his smile was faint, his eyebrows scrunched up slightly, āIād rather worry with you, than worry for you.ā
You werenāt sure what you had done to deserve someone like Taerae. Smiling you leaned into his side, resting your head into the crook of his neck, āAlright, Iām sorry.ā
He kissed the top of your head as a response, triggering the warm and fuzzy feeling once again.
āHey,ā you whispered against his body, āI love you.ā
Taerae hugged you tighter, engulfing you in all his warmth; the rain so loud against the window, the wind so strong, the building howled its tune, his words so soft they warmed you up from inside, āAnd I love you.ā
4. so letās love
Being in love was harder than you could have ever imagined. It was also simply more than what you could have ever thought it would be. It was more difficult, more intense, more complicated. But the more you felt it, the deeper, the stronger your feelings got for Taerae the more aware you got of your need for him.
Everything Taerae felt with you was new to him as well. In the past, Taerae had never had a problem figuring out how he felt, and he surely didnāt have any problems expressing his emotions. For Taerae, music had always been the easiest, most natural way to communicate. It was what brought him the most precious things in life: a purpose and you. But lately, it was difficult for him to encompass his love for you through actions or music. And he had a feeling he would struggle his entire life to put this into words.
*
The leaves had long turned brown, the weather had long switched from sunshine to frost, and Taerae had once more found his way home from a long day of classes, and an even longer week of not seeing you. Lately, he had felt something shift between the two of you, and he felt difficulty to raise the issue, to talk it out. He even felt difficulty to play it out, to sing it out, to just let his frustrations flow.
Of course, Taerae knew that couples fought. He knew it was normal for lovers to throw hurtful things at each otherās heads from time to time. He could list more than 10 songs that captured this exact feeling of defeat, when one hurts the person, they love the most. It was his hyperawareness of this fact, that made it all the more difficult to ignore the fact that you just did not fight.
It was not like the two of you would not have reason for conflict, but it always seemed like whenever the two of you were close to fighting, you shut down. Your passiveness got a hold of you, and you logged out of Taeraeās life until you were ready to forget about the reason you would have fought anyway. Whether or not you reflected and decided it wasnāt as big as a deal as it seemed at first, or if you just ignored the hurt, Taerae didnāt know.
What he did know however was, that this could not be healthy. Neither for you, nor for him. He refused to lose the love of his life over something such as the lack of fighting. All Taerae wanted was to love you. He wanted all that there is to a relationship, the love, the fights, the forgiving. He didnāt need perfect; he didnāt want perfect.
He was sure of his feelings for you, he had been for the longest time. Maybe he did love you more than you did him, but that didnāt even matter to Taerae. He was just worried, heād lose you. He was so confident in his own love, he became insecure of yours.
So, on this day, on his way home from university, on his way to you, he thought about how maybe, he just wasnāt worth enough for you to fight with him. Maybe it wasnāt that you didnāt like to fight, maybe it was that he just wasnāt worth fighting with. And for the first time, these kinds of Taeraeās feelings made sense.
*
From the beginning of your relationship, you had been determined to give Taerae your whole heart. You wanted nothing more than to love the sweet boy to your heartās full capacity. And the more you got to know him, the more your heartās ability to do so grew. And with that your fear of losing him.
In your entire life, you had not really fought with anybody, ever. Of course, there had been disagreements and discussions, but most of the time you hadnāt deemed the topics worth fighting over. You had also had relationships before, none as serious as the one with Taerae, and they mostly ended amicably. Definitely nothing like any Olivia Rodrigo song. You intended to keep the number of break-ups you had had the same, although you knew realistically, the number of fights had to go up at some point, but thus far even disagreements with Taerae hadnāt proven annoying enough to fight over. All you wanted to do is love him.
You didnāt want to fight with him, or to worry him, or to hurt him. You just wanted to love Taerae.
So, on the day the temperatures had dropped as well as all the leaves, and Taerae used the spare keys you had given him to let himself into your apartment, to cook together, the last thing you had expected was to fight.
One look, out of the window and you saw the blanket of grey and white that threatened (or promised) to spill the first snow of the season. You had been waiting for Taerae to come home for some time now and had been working on some university assignments until the all too familiar jingle of keys announced his arrival. The first thing you heard right after the sound of the soft thump Taeraeās guitar case made when he set it down, was a sigh. And only then did you realize just how stressful the past month had been for the both of you. You and Taerae were both drowning in assignments and projects and that meant you spent the majority of your time in the library, as he did in the studio. It had been hard for you with work and university to find time to just be together, especially with a lot occupying both of your minds.
Communicating had never been your forte and you found it even harder to discuss your worries when the time you had together was so scarce. Taerae had been good at voicing his feelings and telling you when he was stressed but in the past days, he seemed a little closed off as well, so this sigh seemed to be a giveaway.
Still, worries aside a soft smile rested on your lips as he entered the kitchen, the table currently occupied by books and sheets of paper, your own little chaos ruling over the space.
āLooks intense,ā Taerae chuckled as he made his way to you.
āItās even worse than this looks in here,ā you motioned with your finger to your head as you closed your laptop shut, standing up to hug your boyfriend hello.
Taerae kissed your cheek, taking in your scent. He noticed the hints of coffee scent in your hair, an indicator that you had worked the morning shift. He didnāt know you had worked today. You used to share your work schedule with him at the beginning of the week. Taerae knew you werenāt obligated to share your schedule with him, he wasnāt possessive like that, but just stopping to do so, irked him in some kind of way.
āYou okay?ā you asked as Taerae was staring off into space, and you grabbed a bottle of water.
āYeah,ā one look at you and he knew you didnāt believe a single word he just said, āitās just the usual. Creative pressure and such.ā
You cocked your head, the way you always did when processing things, thinking of what to say, āYou sure thatās the only reason? You kind of seem a little off the past few days.ā
He knew you didnāt mean it like an accusation. He knew that doing this, fighting, on grounds of you asking if there was anything else wrong was ridiculous. But Taerae also supposed it was as good a reason as any. Still, he didnāt mean the words to come out quite as harsh as they did.
āYeah? You mean like how you donāt even tell me when you work these days anymore? Or what assignments youāre working on? Who youāre working on them with?ā
One look and Taerae realized you were clearly taken aback by what he had said. Or how he had said it.
āIām- Iām sorry, I didnāt realize you had to approve my schedule. I donāt mean to keep it secret Taerae, but Iām not talking about schedules or shifts, or even university. Somethingās clearly bothering you.ā Your brows were scrunched up and arms crossed.
Taerae scoffed silently, āWhyā¦ā he tried to gather the words in his head, to make them seem a little less ridiculous than they were, āWhy wonāt you fight with me?ā
āHuh?ā now you were taken aback. āWhy wonāt I fight with you? Maybe because thereās nothing to fight about?ā
āOh, come on, Y/N. I know you get annoyed when I stay in the studio for too long and donāt text you when I know youāre waiting for dinner plans or something. And I - I get annoyed when you just brush things off, but you always apologize even if thereās nothing to apologize for. Sometimesā Sometimes I just want to be annoyed with you and you should be annoyed with me as well for being annoyed.ā
You frowned, what he said was true, even if you werenāt sure he was making sense 100%. In any case, these things just seemed inconsequential. Whenever stuff like that occurred you had been more worried than annoyed, sad maybe, but definitely not mad.
āWhat do you mean? I just donāt think these things are worth fighting over.ā
Taerae closed his eyes, in the way he did when he couldnāt get the right chord combination, in the way he did to coordinate his thoughts, in the way he did just before letting go of a frustrated breath.
āSee? This is what I mean. I just- It just feels like that to you Iām not worth fighting with.ā
Now there was hurt on your face. Taerae didnāt mean to twist your words but it just, that is what it sounded like to him. This is what it felt like to him.
āI- Thatās not what I said at all, Taerae,ā Your tone had also changed. It was more straight forward, more matter-of-factly. Yet your eyes seemed desperate to just clarify this situation, so, you searched in his for some sort of doubt of his last statement, āYou know that thatās not true, right?ā
āI donāt know! It seems like it if Iām being honest,ā his voice was just below a shout. Although it definitely didnāt seem angry, it was just as desperate as the look in your eyes. He tried to understand you, the way you tried to understand him, āIt feels like whatever I do, whether itās good or bad it doesnāt matter.ā
āWhat? Of course, it matters. Taerae, you matter, so much!ā You tried to hold the eye contact, but your emotions seemed to overflow, making it impossible to think and talk, but you tried anyways, āI am sorry, and donāt get me wrong, this is not me not wanting to fight right now, Iām just trying to understand- to make you understand; Never has anything you did not affected me. Be it negative or positive. I know weāve talked about it but- you know Iām still learning, right? I just- I donāt want my feelings to be a bother to you. I donāt want me to be a reason for you to not do something. I just- I simply want to be a support for you. I donāt want you to have to worry about me and my feelings too, because I just- I so confidently want you. I just want to love you, Taerae.ā
He looked at you, and you looked at him as you continued.
āNever did I mean to hurt you by not fighting with you. If you want to fight then okay, letās fight. Letās scream at each other and hurt each other, but I just- I just want to be able to love you through it all.ā
You didnāt realize you had started to cry. And Taerae hadnāt realized how much it would hurt to see you cry. So, all he did was pull you close and engulf you in a hug.
āOkay. Iām sorry, too.ā He was afraid of letting you go, as the thoughts raced through his head, as he tried to turn back time. He cursed himself for not realizing how much it sucked to fight. How much it sucked to hurt the person you love the most. āOkay, letās love, okay?ā
So, when the first snow began to fall, as it covered the rooftops and bare trees like sugar did pancakes, and a peacefulness settled after the first fight, you and Taerae decided to love each other, but also fight with each other, and cry and laugh with each other, and hurt and forgive each other. The both of you just prayed that you wouldnāt lose each other. Ā
5. i loved you
An unexpectedly cold spring night put you in an incredibly uncomfortable position.
One would think that at the end of April the temperatures would somewhat rise above 10 degrees, but to your disappointment, they had even dropped below zero. You didnāt know what had come over the city to still be as freezing as it was, but you couldnāt help but think it was your heart that had conjured up the unexpected mid-spring-ice-age.
Cursing at your own messiness, you at first didnāt notice that the sweater you had pulled out, was in fact, not one of your own. You had even been so distracted by the mess that was now on your bedroom floor, that you pulled the sweater over your still with sleepiness marked head, and diligently threw the stray items into the closet, shutting the door before they could fall out once again.
Only when you caught a glimpse of your own reflection, did you realize what you had just slipped onto your body. Comforted by the familiarity of the striped sweater, but startled by the memories it brought back. The scent of its owner still hung heavy in its fibre. You stopped to look at yourself in such a familiar, yet strange item of clothing.
If anyone had told you two months ago that itād feel strange to wear Taeraeās hoodie in April you would have thought it would have been because of the warm weather, and not because Taerae had broken up with you just a couple of weeks before.
You were well aware that you had had a life before Taerae. You just didnāt know you would have one after Taerae. In all honesty, you had hoped you wouldnāt have.
The most tragic part was, Taerae just hadnāt given you the closure one would need after getting broken up with by the love of their lives. He hadnāt really given you any explanation at all. Nothing more than a lot off bullshit, and a just-because. It was easy for most people in your life to go from loving to hating him, but even with the lack of sympathy for your situation, you found it difficult.
You had tried to hate him, you had tried to resent him even, but nothing had proven effective enough to erase your love for him. Taerae had been engraved into your bones. And now he expected you to just move on?
*
In hindsight, you should have seen it coming. At least thatās what you told yourself, thatās what you told your friends who were asking why the two of you broke up. Coming up with more than absurd reason of why you should have known, when in reality you simply couldnāt have. Because even in hindsight, you never could have seen it coming.
So, on the evening of, when Taerae had told you things werenāt working for him anymore, his face straight and not showing any emotion, not showing his signature smile, or even a tear; On the evening of, when you had begged Taerae to just tell you what you had to change, what it was you had done wrong and that you would fix them, if only heād stay; On the evening of, when even after you had cried and shouted, he just took his guitar case and left; On the evening of the break up, you hadnāt gotten an answer. And neither had you in the two weeks since.
In fact, you had not seen Taerae at all. Or heard from him, not even through friends or social media. You wondered if he was okay, if he really was as unbothered as he had seemed, even though it was unnatural for him to act the way he did. You had always deemed Taerae a gentle person, but the way he ended things, was just so unlike him. So, he had to be not okay as well, right?
The lack of answers made you do something you had never had to do before, which was speculate and wonder. Taerae had always worn his heart on his sleeve and expressed himself so diligently most of the time, if not through words, surely, he would have done so through music. So, speculating about how he must feel now, was something you had never had to do. But now you caught yourself wondering all the time. You wondered how many things he thought about before the thought of you popped into his head. You speculated what the songs he was composing these days sounded like. Were they about you?
Either way, there was no hiding from him. Not for you, not just yet.
Still, the hurt you had felt the first few days was overwhelming, you couldnāt eat or sleep or do anything much other than run on autopilot. It had become so bad, that some of the regular customers noticed. It was almost like all life had been sucked out of you, and in a sense it had been; A possible future life had been taken from you. A future you had hoped for ever since you had met Taerae. A future you now grieved.
So, now looking at yourself in the mirror, the striped sweater hanging from your body, keeping it warm, felt like a glimpse of what if. A glimpse of Taerae. A glimpse of the person you had been when you were with him. A person you could have been, but never would.
For a second you wondered again, Taerae well established in your mind. But in the end, it didnāt matter. There was no use wondering and retracing everything you did during the last few days of your relationship. There was no use, because you did everything you said you would: You had loved Taerae, you loved him still, with your heartās full capacity. Over the months you had fought and made up and hurt each other and forgiven the hurt. But now none of it mattered, so you might as well try and forget, instead of dwell and grieve.
So, with a swift motion you stripped the sweater off your body, exposing yourself once more to cold of the spring morning that had even seeped through the walls of your apartment. The frost making itself known in the form of icy crystals on your window. You didnāt look for another sweater, you wanted to feel the cold.
You werenāt sure what you had done wrong. But still, you knew more than you didnāt. You knew there was nothing you could do. You knew you would hurt for some time still. You knew you would see Taerae in buskers, guitars, and iced tea. You knew you would hear him in Hi-Hellos and the jingle of keys. You knew you loved him, and you knew itād be a long time before you stopped.
So, for now youād try to forget.
6. you were beautiful
There was a hum in the air, a melody that made its way through the busy streets of the city. The warm weather had finally decided to stay, and it stuck to the cement like chewing gum, barely cooling down overnight.
Taerae had kept himself busy over the past month, not really wanting to slow down, but with graduation coming up, also not really being able to do so. For him there had barely been any time to just stroll around, or go to cafes with his friends, or to simply just think; These days Taerae still didnāt really knew how to function normally, how to function like he did before you. Of course, he still had to perform, write, and produce music for university, but he rarely went out to busk or did these things for joy like he used to. It was something outsiders could have never noticed; How Taerae did everything but nothing at the same time. Only the people close to him, could tell something was up. They knew of the break-up of course, but they could only guess why exactly it happened in the first place.
Walking around in the area by his apartment was one of the only times Taerae consciously searched for some down time, to sort out at least some of his thoughts. Of course, he was cautious not to stray too close to your workplace, more for his own sake than yours. As of now, Taerae wasnāt sure how his heart would react if he was to come face to face with you unexpectedly. Ever since he had decided to break it off with you, he had barely fathomed to hold a single thought about you. He simply couldnāt conjure up enough courage to deal with his own heart break. So, up until now, pushing everything away would have had to do the trick.
He wasnāt sure what exactly had ticked off his thought process to recall the day of the professor-student conversation. Maybe it was the undeniable sense of Deja-vu he felt when he spotted a young busker, surrounded by only a small group of people, who were all listening carefully to the boyās song. Maybe it was the girl listening, who from the back looked exactly like the one he loved. It could have been either of these two or another altogether, but in any case, Taerae knew, that maybe it was time to face this inevitable heart ache, even if just for the duration of this walk.
*
At the beginning of each semester, music and music production majors are required to sit down with one of their supervising professors, to discuss projects for the upcoming term. Most of these conversations were easy going, and the projects subject to change, but the conversation at the start of the second semester senior year was one equally feared and anticipated.
The senior project for music and music production majors was basically the making of an entire album, with full creative freedom. Taerae had been more than excited to get started on it, in fact, he had been so eager that the songs for his album were ready for recording as soon as his supervising professor approved of them.
So, yes, Taerae was a tad bit nervous entering the professorās office. But he was generally well-liked and so were his songs, so he was sure this meeting would go over smoothly, and he would have to do nothing more than to put in a reservation to one of the student recording studios and was good to go.
And that was the case, partly.
Everything was going well; the professor praised his compositions and skills as a lyricist. The way he had described Taerae as someone to get across any type of feeling, made Taeraeās chest swell with pride. It wasnāt until the last few minutes of the meeting, when Taerae was supposed to thank the professor in front of him and get straight to work, that everything was pushed out of his rightful trajectory.
Taerae was about to get up out of the chair he had been sitting in somewhat tensely, when the professor said something, that in hindsight, put as many things into perspective as it pushed out of it. At least for Taerae.
āThis girl must be quite the experience for you as a song writer.ā
āExcuse me?ā Taerae had said then, distraught, and genuinely confused.
The professor had then proceeded to explain how certain people, certain experiences, determined the colours of the artists in any art form. And that you, were certainly one of these experiences that would influence Taerae a great deal, even once the next experience would come into his life.
Looking back now, Taerae wasnāt sure why he had taken what his professor said so to heart. He definitely didnāt think of you as an experience. He didnāt think of you as something temporary at all. He didnāt think that there was any more evolving for him to be done, Taerae would have been good writing songs about you for the rest of his life.
But was this how the world perceived you? As an experience? Did he, through his songs somehow reduce you to something less than what you were, something temporary, something to live through and then move on?
From this point on Taerae couldnāt help but spiral in his self-doubt. Doubt for his love for you, and doubt for his skill of song writing. Thinking back on statements his friends had made, like how they would also write songs as good as Taeraeās if they had a Y/N in their lives, only confirmed his insecurities in his own love for you. Taerae somehow had gotten way into his head about it.
In Taeraeās mind it wasnāt fair to you. It wasnāt fair to make you an experience in his life. It wasnāt fair, when all you did was give, when you read his every thought and tried so hard to be better and learned with the mistakes you made, learned to love Taerae even more.
Taerae remembered that you had said you wanted nothing more than to love Taerae for the rest of your life, that he was your person. And all Taerae had done was make you an experience.
*
Lost in thought, a sigh heavy on his lips, Taerae hadnāt noticed the young woman listening to the busker turn around. She hadnāt yet looked at him, instead she was gushing about the music to the friend who had just joined her. Had the other joined the young woman any earlier, Taerae would have known in an instant that it was in fact you: the pink hair of your best friend and co-worker a dead giveaway. The two of you a duo Taerae found difficulty in separating, even during the days of you dating.
Chaehyun was whispering something in your ear, which made you laugh a little louder than you had anticipated, a hand coming to cover your mouth as you snickered in slight embarrassment. More than once had Taerae witnessed an interaction similar to this one, and looking at you now, made his heart ache with longing.
But he understood that that was something he wouldnāt be able to see again. He knew that he couldnāt really love you the way you deserved to be loved, so he wouldnāt try.
In the past, Taerae had always felt he was good at expressing himself. You had always promised him to get better at things, to learn the love Taerae needed. Without missing a day, you had told him you loved him. Sometimes first thing in the morning, sometimes it was the last thing he heard when he fell asleep. You had always thought of Taerae first, he had been the most important thing in your life, and Taerae had been well aware of this fact, you had told him more than once. Yet you still didnāt put pressure on the young man, you waited patiently on him in every sense. Maybe Taerae hadnāt been so good at expressing his feelings, maybe you had been the one very aware of your own feelings along. Ā
Watching you from afar, he wondered if you thought of him as much as he did of you. He wondered if everything the two of you had been, was something of the past to you, or if everything, if he, was still present in your life, if he still was something you had to consider, even if it was just to avoid him successfully.
*
The warm wind grazed over you, as it did Taerae, sending your hair flying in its direction. Your head turned towards the young man standing more than a few metres away from you, gaze fixed upon you. It took you some time to remember to not stretch out your arm and wave at him in greeting. It took you even longer to remember not to make your way towards the boy to greet him with a soft kiss on the cheek.
It also took some time for Taerae to not expect any of this from happening; looking at you now, you were a stranger he still loved.
But looking at him now, you realized he was a stranger you once loved. And thus, a small smile made its way onto your face as you turned away, interlocking your arms with your friend, and walking off into the direction of your workplace.
*
To Taerae it had always been interesting how people forgot, once it was over, once it was done. But Taerae would never forget what it was like to love you. He would never forget what it was like to be loved by you. How it was beautiful, how you were beautiful. Taerae would aways remember, he could simply never forget. Maybe someday, he would be fortunate enough to remind you again.
yay!! you made it to the end!! i hope that you were able to enjoy it despite the somewhat sad ending!! thank you again for reading and iād love to hear your thoughts on it!! love youuuu
this piece was written by @yourstruleejn so please donāt post on any other platforms or translate into any other languages! thank u !!!
six days of a love story. from its beginning to its end.
ā
pairing // kim taerae x fem! reader; other characters mentioned are hanbin and kim chaehyun on the readers side, and junhyeon and matthew on taeraeās!
genre // fluff & angst; university student! au; he fell first, she fell harder-ish; itās based on six selected day6 songs!
word count // 14.5 k
tw // not too sure, insecurities in oneās own feelings but if there are any more lmk!
playlist // here (i recommend listening in order but i can't really tell you what to do so! have fun!)
authorās note // iām back!! so sorry it took so long but i genuinely loved writing this! it was so much fun, i tried to keep it kind of realistic but itās been a while since my last relationship so iām not too sure i succeeded lol! anyways i hope you enjoy reading and that it was worth the wait!
!!! reminder !!! everything i write about on here is entirely fictional and in no way am i saying this is how the people mentioned would act in real life! itās all just pretend! ā”
How come when the skies turn grey, heavy clouds like curtains keeping out the light, we forget the vivid of the blue, the warmth of sun? How come when the winter months set in and the trees stand bare, we forget the rustle of the leaves as the summer wind hums the tune to July? How come when a person enters our lives, we cannot imagine our life not knowing them? But how come, once the same person leaves, everything reminds us of them, like a ghost coming back to haunt us, to remind us of what could have been?
1. hi hello
The smell of coffee, polite smiles, and the morning rush. It was usually around May when you noticed that the hot chocolates turned into iced americanos. An established tradition for your co-workers and you, was to buy the drink for the first customer who ordered it iced. A welcome to summer, a deed to make someone smile. Of course, the lot of you usually ended up giving out more than one free drink, not only because of miscommunications, but mostly because it seemed like the right thing to do. Thus, you and the other employees were more grateful than ever that your boss was as lenient as he was, usually laughing it off, and popping an ice cube in his steaming hot cappuccino as a gesture. Nevertheless, he was sure to give a stern warning (or a friendly reminder, as he liked to call them) to not give out any more free iced drinks once the first week of May had passed. You usually just smiled at your phone as the yearly text made all of your phones whistle in unison.
The first Friday of May was here and with it you had hoped a comfortably busy day at work. The weather was embracing the light mood of the university students running around near campus, and you were convinced more than one of them would crave an iced beverage of some sort.
You had been cleaning the espresso machine, making sure everything was bound to run smoothly for your next order, when the serenity of the afternoon made itself known to you: No customers were queuing for their orders, the inside-tables of the small coffee shop were empty, the ones outside just as unoccupied, which was due to the unexpectedly harsh sun, who warmed the cement for the first time, radiating it back towards the already heating air. It was to be expected, the parasols were still packed away in the storage room in the back of the shop. Sighing you rested your head on top your hands looking through the opened front as the quiet outside world was conquered by the sunrays of early May. You could feel the cool of the counter spread onto the palms of your hands, as the dooming boredom of your uneventful work afternoon towered over you.
At the beginning of your shift, your boss had asked you if you would be fine alone for a few hours today, you had agreed reluctantly, as it could have very well gone wrong, but now you were glad that you had not insisted on anyone else coming in. You knew Hanbin was busy with dance practice, and that Chaehyun had been excited all week for a date she was going on today. Having one of them come in unexpectedly and then do nothing all afternoon, would have been not only a waste of their time but also of your bossā money. So, you supposed, it was fitting for this particular Friday to be slowest day ever. Even though it meant boredom for you. Oh my god, this was going to be a long afternoon.
Time was passing three times as slow as it usually did. In the past 15 minutes you had been sure three times, that it was time you started the closing duties, only to realize that merely a handful of minutes had passed. You had grown so impatient with today, that you considered turning the time forwards, so that you could close early āon accidentā and go home. Of course, as an amazing employee you would never do anything like this ever, but it sure crossed your head once or twice (or three times actually). Sighing at the clock once more, you retreated back to your position with your head resting on the counter as you wait for the seconds to creep by.
Immersed by the ticking of the time and so busy tapping the rhythm of the melody stuck in your head that you didnāt notice someone approaching the shop, until the bell announced his entry.
āHi,ā a rather low voice greeted as you scrambled into your usual upright position behind the counter.
āHello!ā You smiled at the young man in front of you. He must have been around your age, maybe a little bit older, but that was judging by his voice. His appearance was sweet and youthful, his smile bright, his hair a little messy, but just the right amount. Charming. He was the kind of boy that would star in a Taylor Swift music video. Classic friends-to-lovers. You had to suppress a small giggle at the thought of it.
In the moments between his greeting, your greeting and the Taylor Swift fantasies, your brain still found the time to wonder what his order would be (it worked fast like that). Maybe something classic like an iced americano? Or something unexpected like a strawberry latte? You had been so bored, alone the thought of making a drink excited you beyond reason.
āWhat can I get you today?ā you asked with a practiced, but this time more genuine than not, smile on your face.
Ā It was a nice spot for busking, the shade from the trees making it cool enough to perform in the summertime as well. Your eyes darted to the guitar bag slung across his shoulder, lips caught between his teeth as he expectantly waited for your answer.
āOh. So, you donāt want a drink, huh?ā You really tried to suppress the disappointment, but judging from the look on his face, you werenāt doing a good job. Well at least you would soon have some sort of entertainment. And who knows, maybe he was so good, heād bring in some customers.
āDo I have to buy a drink to be allowed to busk?ā His eyebrows shot up, his expression changing from sweet to curious.
He smiled slightly, determined to satisfy your need to prepare a drink for him, āActually, I could use a little bit of a refreshment.ā
Matching his expression, your face now showcased a bright smile as you handed him the menu. You werenāt sure if he could tell how grateful you were to finally be able to do something other than stand around and check the time, but you tried to show it to him by whipping back and forth slightly, stealing glances at him as he decided. You waited patiently as he studied the menu, tongue poking out between his teeth. He was cute, in a clueless kind of way.
Finally, he lifted his head, adjusted his guitar, slung over his shoulder, and cleared his throat, āActually, could I maybe get a bottle of water?ā
You were about to cry. A whole menu full of drinks ranging from coffees to mochas to fruit teas and smoothies, and this man wants a bottle of water? You were sure he could see the disappointment written on your face once again as he looked up from the small piece of paper in his hands.
A somewhat apologetic smile rested on his lips; he knew what he did.
āWater?ā you asked again, just to be sure. Just so that you didnāt misunderstand and accidentally got the man a water instead of the strawberry matcha latte he just ordered.
āWater is free.ā That interrupted his mental face palm as you smiled politely and pointed to the jug to your right. It was filled with fresh orange and lemon slices as well as mint to give the water a little something. Usually, the taste of the fruit would not be that strong as it would get refilled and emptied quite quickly, but today it had been standing around for a while, so you were sure it would actually taste a bit like the citrus and herbs floating inside of it. You supposed the boy would be in for a treat.
āThatās nice.ā Thatās nice?
āDo you need a cup for it to take it outside?ā As you were speaking, you already turned around, grabbing one of the paper cups and a pen ready to write his name on it. You realized it was unnecessary to do this for a mere cup of water, but in all honesty, you were just as intrigued by the man in front of you, as you had been disappointed by the lack of creative drink-ordering; You wanted to know the name of the man that gave you hope just to take it all away from you again.
āWhatās your name?ā you smiled innocently, already setting the pen down to write as you looked at the man through your lashes.
āOh. Uhm Taerae.ā
You chuckled, āOkay, Oh-Uhm-Taerae,ā you handed him the cup, āEnjoy your water!ā you winked at him, smiling as he filled it up.
Taking a sip of his water he set down his guitar and finally let out a dramatic sigh, he didnāt realize needed to leave his body right this second. There was not much to his busking set up, just him and his guitar, a stool, and a small speaker. Taerae used to have a booklet with all of his favourite songs, but he knew them by heart now, so no need to hide behind the notes. Matthew always said he would hide his face behind the pages, and when he first performed without it there had been twice as many people, not because he was better, but because people could see his smile. Taerae wasnāt so sure that that was the reason.
The sun was getting lower and lower as Taerae procrastinated starting to play. He could feel as the anticipation radiated off of you. You had settled back behind the counter, still watching him as he pretend to tune his guitar for the nth time. Taerae couldnāt hold eye contact with you for longer than an accidental moment, if had been able to, he would have seen the amused smile on your face as you sipped on a glass of water yourself. Taerae had his āOh-Uhm-Taeraeā titled cup sat on the ground beside him. He had blushed even more when he had realized how you had teased him and was sure youād get along great with Junhyeon once he introduced the two of you. If he got to ever introduce to his friends.
He was sure by now you could tell he was stalling, so with one last look around the area, and one last sip of his wonderful water, he strummed his guitar.
Taerae was happy he could bring you some business. He was also happy that your very distracting eyes didnāt linger on him quite as intensely as they did during his first song. It had been a successful busking for him even after his first struggles. The sky had eventually turned darker and darker, and the air had gone crisp with the last goodbyes of what once was winter. With more and more people leaving it was time for him as well to wrap up. At one point there had been so many people, it was almost impossible for Taerae to see the front of the store, making it difficult for him to confirm that you were still watching, paying attention to him. The awkward interaction out of his mind, he was happy to catch you look at him during any free moment of your now busy work afternoon/evening.
Zipping up his guitar, Taerae got ready to leave. He could still feel the guitar strings giving way and embedding themselves under his fingertips, thatās how he knew it had been a good session. It was quiet now that he had stopped playing, no spectators left but the first cicadas welcoming the night-time. Taerae would have just left if it hadnāt been for jingle of keys followed by a soft āWait a momentā that caught his attention.
He turned and sure enough there you were, bag slung over your shoulder, hair tied out of your face, revealing a smile and gleaming eyes.
āHi,ā you smiled.
āHello,ā Taerae reciprocated.
You handed him the takeaway cup you were carrying, adorned with a neat āOh-Uhm-Taeraeā. You smiled as he raised his eyebrows at the nickname, his own heart swelling at your chuckle.
āItās tea,ā You explained, āI figured you could use some after singing all afternoon.ā
He nodded, bringing the beverage to his lips. The stark contrast of the cool May night and the heat of the tea made him realize how his body had cooled down, āThank you. Itās nice.ā There he goes again with his nice. He rolled his eyes at himself.
āWell, thatās good! I can make more than water, you know?ā you smiled, āAnyways, thank you for today, you brought in more customers than any other busker has thus far. In the name of my boss and his business, I wanted to invite you back to play again. Preferably Tuesdays, Thursdays, or Fridays in the afternoons. Thatās when I work.ā
Taerae should have acted cool and said something like, Iāll see if I can make it, or I will if my schedule allows it, but instead he just laughed and nodded āokayā. He didnāt trust his own voice right now; it would probably give away his excitement.
āGood,ā You smiled satisfied, āThen Iāll see Tuesday, Oh-Uhm-Taerae.ā You turned to walk away.
āJust Taerae is fine!ā He was not going to have his crush call him Oh-Uhm-Taerae.
If he had been any smarter, he would have just said āTaeraeā. In fact, if he had been smarter, he would have not stuttered saying his name in the first place. But Taerae was Taerae, and you were you.
So, turning around, but not stopping your walking backwards, you smile mischievously, āAlright then, Just-Taerae, see you Tuesday!ā you could see his mouth opening and closing in retaliation, but before he could say anything more, with a slightly louder voice you said, āIām just Y/N, by the way.ā
Taerae watched as you waked away, smiling to himself, sipping on his tea, skipping on the way home. He had now been officially introduced to āJust-Y/N.ā
This Thursday in particular you had something planned, as you had let him know beforehand. Taerae was excited, a little bit nervous even, it was unusual for you to plan something, normally having Taerae decide what the two of you would eat and do. He was very good at reading people, and heād usually figure something out that fit with both of your moods.
But not today apparently, today you had decided, and Taerae had no idea what it was so, yes, he was a tad bit nervous.
It frustrated Taerae to no end that he did not have the same effect on you, as you had on him.
Sure enough, after another few minutes of waiting the familiar jingle of keys rushed Taerae out of his head, back down to earth. Back down to real you, not head you. He liked both versions equally, so he wasnāt complaining.
You grinned at him as you made your way towards the boy, āHi.ā
āHello,ā he greeted with suspicion. The expression on your face was foreign, but it really couldnāt mean anything good for Taerae, as it reminded him too much of Junhyeonās scheming face, you were scheming. In Taeraeās head there were only two options; Either you were planning some intricate prank with his friend, or you were planning something sweet, far from a prank, and Taerae would spontaneously confess in a waterfall of words and your newfound, yet very precious friendship, would suffer from it.
āWhy do you look so anxious?ā there was a somewhat nervous smile on your lips, eyebrows scrunched up in worry as you handed Taerae his post-performance-beverage.
Taerae shook his head, āIām not. I just donāt want to get murdered by you. So, before we go, I just wanted to remind you that my voice is a gift to the world, and if you are planning on un-aliving me today, that youād be taking it away from the whole world and everybody would be mad at you.ā
You looked at him, a half scoff, half laugh escaping your lips.
āIām serious, Y/N. Iām sharing my location with Junhyeon this entire evening.ā Taerae crossed his arms in front of his chest, awaiting your reassurance that in fact you were not going to kill him.
āWhat makes you think Junhyeon isnāt in on the plan?ā you smirked, while Taeraeās expression fell.
This joking manner was one of the only times Taerae could look at you without his heart combusting or his eyes diverting as soon as they met yours. And while you were laughing at your very lame retaliation, he had time to take you in. It was beyond Taerae how someone could make him so nervous yet so at peace at the same time.
āCome on now, Taeraeā you smiled leading the way towards the metro station, āhave a little faith in me, yea?ā
If only you knew the amount of faith he had in you. So, of course, Taerae followed.
*
Laughing and joking the two of you discussed all the songs Taerae played today. Thus far he had not played your request, which, like every time after a performance, you let him know by complaining excessively.
The station way bustling with people going home from work, students finding their way to their after-school-studies, and people like you; Looking for activities to end the day on a relaxing note. Out of instinct Taerae placed his hand on your lower back, guiding you through the sea of people towards the train as you were rambling on about this weekās songs and the lack of your favourites (although any song sung by Taerae was your favourite, but not that he needed to know that just yet).
Whenever you and him were together, you had noticed that you forgot the rest of the world existed. Not necessarily in the way, how everything else goes blurry and your focus was solely on him, but rather that real life just slows down a little bit. Whenever you were with Taerae, everything else just seemed less important, far away.
He, however, seemed always grounded. Even when you were excitedly babbling on, Taerae simultaneously smiled and made sure you werenāt in anybodyās way, yet still matched your energy and made sure to react to you. You never understood how he could be so focused on the rest of the world as well. It was especially frustrating because you could either focus on him entirely, or not at all; for you with Taerae it was an all or nothing situation.
*
The train was more or less ripping at its seams when you got on. You always wondered how so many people could fit in such a confined space and not get squashed. You had hoped that due to the nice weather and the rather late hour, it would have been a little emptier, but no, clearly nothing beats the AC of a subway. The hopes of a seat after a long afternoon of work had been abandoned a long time ago, as you got pushed closer and closer towards Taerae.
In all honesty, the boy was panicking. He didnāt know where to put his hands, what to hold onto as to prevent the both of you from falling at each halt the train took. His only hope was for the crowds to thin once the next big transfer point arrived. But until then? He wasnāt sure how to keep standing upright and breathe properly, with you this close.
āY/N?ā Taerae whispered barely audible.
āHm?ā You looked up at him, waiting for him to continue.
But just as Taerae started to speak, you saw the man behind him stand up from his seat. In an effort to not notice how close Taerae had been, you had heard him grumbling to himself how packed the train was and that he could get off at the next station and walk the rest home, but that had been three stops ago. Now that he was actually getting up, you had to act fast. The man pushed past you and in a swift motion you pushed Taerae against the seat, making him sit down with a thump.
You smiled at him triumphantly as his big eyes looked back at you. The man getting up and you pushing Taerae had happened so swiftly that, Taerae hadnāt noticed he had grabbed a hold of your hand as to not lose balance. And you hadnāt either, smiling happily to yourself as you stood in front of Taerae, shielding him from the masses.
Taerae however, would not have you stand when you had been the one working almost all day. He pulled you towards him, getting up at the same time. To spectators it mightāve looked like a twirl, a spontaneous dance on the subway. Well, as a result, you were now sitting and Taerae was leaning over you, satisfied with the change of position.
For a moment there had been a smug grin on his face, but it was soon wiped away by a blush, as he noticed a group of students squealing next to you, whispering to each other and giggling. You too had looked away from Taerae in an attempt to hide your flushed cheeks. But Taerae noticed. And he smiled.
*
From this moment on, the train ride seemed to go on forever. The crowd thinned as your stop approached and soon only a handful of people were in your compartment. Taerae had sat down beside you, taking one of the high-school girlsā seat once they got up and left, but only after they had made sure Taerae did in fact sit down next to you and not anybody else. It was kind of sweet. Still, you couldnāt look any of them in the eye as they got off the train.
Finally, your stop arrived and in a swift motion you got up. Taerae was excited too, he still didnāt know where exactly you were going, but now he at least knew the broad area; The stop was a little towards the edge of the city, where parks and playgrounds dominated the cemented roads. It was a nice change of scenery, and Taerae welcomed it.
Coming up above ground, he noticed how quickly the sun had set, the sky only showing remnants of the bright day at its horizon. You had stopped a few paces in front of him, finding it hard to regain orientation somewhere you hadnāt been in such a long time.
āWhere to first?ā Taerae asked, curious as to where you could be going this late. You had let him know beforehand that there would not be a grand meal today, and that he should eat something in between busking and yourā¦ date?
āThe convenience store.ā You explained, once you saw the small corner store you used to visit as a kid, āTo get ice cream, naturally.ā
So, the two of you made your way towards the store and after a few minutes of weighing options and discussing preferences, Taerae and you had decided on green-tea ice cream, and a caramel flavoured one.
āOkay, ice cream secured,ā you smiled at Taerae exiting the shop, āNow, Mr. Kim, I shall show you one of my favourite places of all time.ā
āWhat an honour.ā He smiled as he tagged along, catching up with you as you started in the direction of a small park.
It had been a little later than you had anticipated, making it a little harder for you to find the exact spot you were looking for. The trees were practically pitch black, and although there were a few lanterns lighting the way, they were too little and too far apart to actually help a great deal. The gravel crunched beneath your shoes as you snacked on the ice cream and made your way further into the green.
āThere it is!ā
As soon as the small wooden pavilion was in sight you tugged on Taeraeās sleeve to hurry. He had to admit, he wasnāt sure why you were this excited about a wooden structure in a park, at the other end of the city. He thought it was adorable, nonetheless. Coming up the small hill he saw that the pavilion overviewed a small pond, where this time strategically placed light illuminated the water surface.
āNice, is it not?ā you teased, smiling up at the boy. Reacting to things with a quick āNiceā had become an inside joke between the two of you, well for you mostly; It was fun for you, but Taerae usually just rolled his eyes.
āIt is.ā He confirmed, āBut why exactly are we here? I mean donāt get me wrong, I absolutely adore being squeezed together on a train for more than half an hour and then sitting in a park. Iām just wondering.ā
āCareful, Taerae,ā you narrowed your eyes at him, āI could still murder you and dump your body in the pond.ā
He laughed., āNo but seriously, what is this place?ā
āIām not sure. I just stumbled upon it one day during my first week of uni. It was strangely familiar and when I talked to my parents about it, they said we used to come here when I was a kid,ā you shrugged, āItās nothing super special but I just wanted to show you.ā
Taerae smiled at you, and you smiled back. It was one of these quiet moments you shared. Your friendship thus far had been filled with laughter and music and teasing, but every once in a while, a quiet moment like this made it special. Until someone decided to break the quiet, of course.
āYou should have told me; I would have brought my guitar. Properly serenated you.ā He pouted.
āNo more serenating, Iām growing sick of your voice Taerae, for real.ā You mocked, laughing.
This only made Taerae pout more, pushing your shoulder slightly.
The sound of your laugh faded, and Taerae observed a shift in your manner. The look you gave him in that moment sent a shiver down his spine and for a moment he wondered whether or not you had been actually joking about murdering him or not. You looked so unsure and serious, Taerae had never seen you this way.
In your life, not many days had gone your way. You werenāt sure if there were going to be a lot in the future that would. But you really needed today to go your way. Needless to say, you were worried. Of course, there had been another reason you had brought Taerae here; It wasnāt simply because you wanted to show him one of your favourite places, it was a reason as well, but not the only one. But now that you had to put your plan into action, you worried. You had been scared of your body reacting this way just before this moment. Your throat had dried up and your hands were slightly shaking and your heart, oh dear, your heart was going as fast as ever. Maybe you should just cancel the original plan and just, come up with a plan B? Was this a good idea? Did you really need to do this now?
If anything, the troublesome journey here had only confirmed your plans for today. So yes, you really had to get it off your chest, you quite literally couldnāt keep it in anymore. From the moment you saw Taerae today, to you grabbing his hand and not letting go (as if that was on accident), from the highschoolers, and everyone else on the train, as well as in your co-workers and friends, seeing what was right in front of your eyes. You just really had to tell Taerae.
āHey, actually, thereās another reason I brought you here,ā you forced a reassuring smile onto your lips, as to not worry Taerae.
You were terribly failing at not worrying Taerae; As his mind raced through all his possible wrong doings so that he could predict what horrible thing you were going to say, he kept quiet and anxiously waited for you to continue.
āWell, I wanted to bring you here because, I mainly associate this place with incredibly happy memories and I just wanted that to be a good omen, I guess.ā You were stalling. You knew that. Taerae probably knew that.
But Taerae also felt relief. It canāt be anything horrendous when you want this place to be a canvas for good memories right? No, right?
Taerae didnāt say anything. He watched your every move as you turned towards the dark that spread across the small body of water. He heard you let out a deep sigh.
This might go incredibly wrong. It might go amazingly right. Either way, you had to say it.
āTaerae,ā you started finally turning to the boy, āThereās no going back after I say this, but just know that itās okay if you donāt feel the same, I just need to tell you, okay?ā
A small smile spread across his face. Oh my god. He knew where this was going. He definitely wanted it to go there. He nodded for you to continue. In the moments between his motion and you starting to speak he thought about how he had failed as a musician. He sang love songs as a passion, he had been singing them as a hobby for years, he studied music at university, he was pouring out his heart to anyone who would listen, confessing to you every Tuesday, Thursday, Friday afternoon through the one language he knew, the one language that felt safe to him. Yet, here you were, about to confess to the boy who had been singing to you for weeks-
āI like you. As more than a friend.ā You offered him a nervous, crooked smile. The words leaving you lips much faster than you had anticipated.
āThatās such a relief.ā He answered.
āHuh?ā You looked almost scared, the blood draining from your face. Was this his way of rejecting you? No, he didnāt look apologetic at all, no pity in his eyes.
āThat means all the love songs Iāve been performing have not been in vain.ā He smiled taking a step towards you, brushing a stray strand of hair behind your ear, āI like you, Y/N. And Iāve been trying to hold it in, so you canāt even begin to imagine how happy I am that I can finally tell you.ā
If it were possible for human eyes to form themselves into hearts, yours would have changed by now. Whatever this man triggered within you, made your heart overflow with feelings, āThank god.ā You answered, making both him and you laugh.
In your nerves and relief and happiness, you hadnāt realized how impossibly close he was by now, even closer than he had been on the subway. You could feel his breath on your face and the warmth of his hand on your cheek. One last smile spread across Taeraeās lips before he finally leaned in to connect your lips to his. You met him in the last millimetres, eager to finally kiss.
It wasnāt perfect by normal standards; The two of you laughed and smiled into each other. You were a little awkward with your limbs, and a little too out of breath to be still considered sexy. Still, it was perfect because it was just the two of you. It was perfect because it was Taerae. It was perfect because it was you. It was perfect because you liked him, and he liked you.
The night was calm and cool when you and Taerae first shared a kiss. The sun had set, and the stars were watching, as your friendship bloomed into love.
Taerae had been waiting for quite some time, he was lucky enough to had spot a free table, right when he arrived to pick you up. He had also been lucky since he didnāt actually have to queue for his drink; Taerae, just like all the other significant others of the employees, got the boyfriend/girlfriend treatment; Their drink of choice waiting for them as soon as they entered. By now, you were sure he had finished his drink, even though you hadnāt finished work. You were supposed to get off half an hour ago, but with the floods of people coming through your doors, you couldnāt bring yourself to leave Chaehyun and Hanbin alone, feeling the responsibility as the longest and most experienced worker, as well as the burden of being a good friend heavy on your shoulders.
Not only that, but also your boss had spontaneously decided to go on vacation a week ago and had left you in charge. Although it had felt good to be entrusted with this responsibility, you had not anticipated the amount of work it would mean. You had worked almost every day, having to postpone meetups and get-togethers with not only friends and family, but with your boyfriend as well. The two of you had barely seen each other this week, and thus you wanted nothing more than to leave with Taerae and curl up on his couch just as you had planned, but apparently your customers had a different idea: Whenever you made your way over to his table, somebody asked for some special drink that only you knew how to make. Or the cash register decided to spontaneously combust. It was almost comical.
Every now and again yours and Taeraeās eyes met, and you mouthed an āIām sorryā, to which he just shook his head, telling you it was okay.
There had always been something magical in the way Taerae perceived you; He had gotten to know you so well over the past three months youāve dated, that he felt even if he was simply looking at you, he was experiencing something special, a unique feature to your relationship.
Ā So, it was okay. He really didnāt mind waiting for you.
What he did mind though, was how stressed you seemed; How you always did everything for everyone, more than what theyād ask for, just in case they needed that little extra; How you clearly didnāt see when there was too much on your plate, and still space on someone elseās. Taerae knew that you tended to do everything by yourself, and didnāt want to worry anyone, but Taerae was worried about you. He wanted to be your resting place, to be helpful in some way.
So, when you had finally found a spare minute to come to his side, Taerae couldnāt wait to be of some comfort, to help make you feel a little better.
āHi,ā smiled softly at the man.
Instinctively Taeraeās hand snuck around your waist, pulling you closer for maximum body contact. You smiled as the familiar warmth spread inside your chest, making you instantly ease up a bit, feeling more at home on this busy day.
āHello,ā he greeted, smiling up at you.Ā
You just smiled at each other for a moment, tanking up on some well needed calm and support, which only your boyfriend could offer. Soon enough however, your gaze was stolen away by a couple that had just joined the queue.
You sighed, āIām not sure Iāll be able to leave before closing.ā
āThatās okay. Iāll wait, I donāt mind. We can go to my apartment after.ā Taerae hoped you would agree, but he knew it was unlikely.
Your eyes were fixed on the clouds outside darkening the sky, making it seem later than it was, āHmā¦ Maybe you should go now before it rains. Iāll come right after locking up.ā You smiled at him, cocking your head to the side. A cute habit of yours, Taerae noted, but he could still see the tiredness in your eyes.
Pulling his eyes away from you towards the looming downpour, he was almost convinced. He hesitated because he just wanted to make sure you were okay and would get home as soon as possible as well.
āOkay. But make sure to hurry once youāre done, okay? And donāt get rained on.ā Taerae said while slipping on his denim jacket.
You nodded confirming his words and promising to get home as soon as possible, āThe rain will be done once Iām off, I promise.ā You smiled.
āOkay, weather fairy, Iāll see you at home.ā
He planted a kiss on your cheek and got ready to leave, the next occupant of the table already making his way towards the empty space.
*
It had in fact not stopped raining by the time you had cleaned the espresso machine and wiped down most of the tables. Hanbin and Chaehyun had left a few minutes ago, running towards the subway station, in the spare moments the rain had eased up a bit, leaving you to lock up alone. Now the rain was back to its full power, slamming onto the pavement, windows, cars, and soon you as well. You were afraid the small umbrella you found in the back of the locker room would not do much to keep you dry and warm on the short walk to Taeraeās apartment, but it had to be better than nothing.
The storm was just about to regain its entire might when you left the safety of your workplace. Turning the keys, you felt the cold wind hit your exhausted legs, sending shivers up your whole body, and sending more than a few leaves on their journey towards the ground prematurely. You cursed at yourself for thinking that late-summer-thunderstorms carried the warmth, that mid-summer-ones did. Struggling to keep the umbrella upright, you wrapped the bright blue zip-up sweater you had stolen from Taeraeās closet closer over your body. If there had been any more wind, you were sure would have been blown away.
In fact, you had been so busy trying to not take off, you barely noticed a figure hurrying in your direction.
An out of breath Taerae appeared in the far distance, his silhouette not only blurred by the rain, but also the impressive velocity of his figure running towards you. In Taeraeās hand you could make out another one of his hoodies and a definitely more sturdy-looking umbrella, more than big enough to fit the two of you.
He couldnāt help the smile as he pulled you towards himself, underneath the little shelter his umbrella offered āSo, this is where my favourite sweatshirt has gone to.ā He pointed towards the fabric currently keeping your body just a degree away from a shiver.
Unfortunately, you had been right about your umbrella being bad at its job, the sweatshirt now thoroughly soaked, āSorry,ā You smiled innocently, āBut hey, at least itās clean now.ā
Taerae shook his head, granting you refuge and additional warmth underneath his arm as he wrapped it around your body, pulling you as close as he could, āYou could have texted you know?ā he whispered in your ear, barely audible over the rain continuously slamming onto the thin fabric above the two of you.Ā
āI thought my equipment would suffice,ā you confessed, although you knew your umbrella would have been unlikely to hold up to this kind of weather, āIām sorry you had to come out to rescue me.ā
āItās what Iām here for, no? Serenating and rescuing.ā Taerae smiled, his hair curling itself back to its natural state, āUniversity student and professional busker by day, personal saviour and superhero of Y/N by night.ā
You chuckled; he really was your hero.
*
Finally inside and in dry clothes, you let yourself fall onto Taeraeās couch. As soon as your body touched the soft fabric, the sleepiness started to set in. Between the bustle of work and the adventure of running through the rain with Taerae, your body had gone from low battery to out of it completely. The only thing missing right now was your boyfriend, who was making instant noodles and a cup of tea for the both of you, insisting that you had made enough beverages today to last a lifetime, and you couldnāt agree more.
The day had been so long, and just an hour ago you had wished for nothing more than for time to pass by more quickly, but now that you had actually had time to spend with Taerae, you willed the clock to slow down for a bit.
Now in the warmth of Taeraeās apartment, you didnāt mind the weather at all; The rain was still going, tapping onto the windows nonstop, and flooding the streets outside without doubt, but what did it matter to you now that you were able to rest with your favourite person in the entire world.
Speak of the devil; Taerae set down the bowl of instant noodles in front of, followed shortly by a glass of water and a cup tea.
āThat looks so good, I could kiss you right now.ā You smiled looking at food in front of you.
āDo it then.ā Taerae turned his head towards you, expectantly waiting on the kiss you had promised.
āIt was a really hard day today, huh?ā Taeraeās voice was laced with worry, and it made you anxious. You didnāt want to worry him, there really wasnāt anything for him to worry about, he was helping as much as he could without worrying.
āIt was okay,ā you answered, a little too quiet for Taeraeās liking, āIām just glad I wonāt be in charge anymore next week.ā
While Taerae believed that the majority of what you said was true, he wouldnāt have you downplaying your feelings like that. He sighed, āYou donāt have to pretend with me, Y/N, you know? Iām here to help. I want to know when youāre stressed or feel bad or hurt.ā
In the past few months that you and Taerae had been dating, it was made obvious on more than one occasion that your boyfriendās love language was acts of service. Be it to drive you to your favourite bookstore, or to get you some medicine when you were sick. Taerae loved to just do things for you.
You smiled at your sweet boyfriend, your heart overflowing once again, āI know, itās justā¦ I can do this on my own. I donāt want to worry you.ā You nodded to yourself, feeling a little exposed.
āI get that, but the thing is, you donāt have to,ā Taerae took your hand in his, āThatās what itās like when you love someone; I want to share the hurt and the burden and the stress. I want to do it for you, and I want you to do it for me,ā his smile was faint, his eyebrows scrunched up slightly, āIād rather worry with you, than worry for you.ā
You werenāt sure what you had done to deserve someone like Taerae. Smiling you leaned into his side, resting your head into the crook of his neck, āAlright, Iām sorry.ā
He kissed the top of your head as a response, triggering the warm and fuzzy feeling once again.
āHey,ā you whispered against his body, āI love you.ā
Taerae hugged you tighter, engulfing you in all his warmth; the rain so loud against the window, the wind so strong, the building howled its tune, his words so soft they warmed you up from inside, āAnd I love you.ā
4. so letās love
Being in love was harder than you could have ever imagined. It was also simply more than what you could have ever thought it would be. It was more difficult, more intense, more complicated. But the more you felt it, the deeper, the stronger your feelings got for Taerae the more aware you got of your need for him.
Everything Taerae felt with you was new to him as well. In the past, Taerae had never had a problem figuring out how he felt, and he surely didnāt have any problems expressing his emotions. For Taerae, music had always been the easiest, most natural way to communicate. It was what brought him the most precious things in life: a purpose and you. But lately, it was difficult for him to encompass his love for you through actions or music. And he had a feeling he would struggle his entire life to put this into words.
*
The leaves had long turned brown, the weather had long switched from sunshine to frost, and Taerae had once more found his way home from a long day of classes, and an even longer week of not seeing you. Lately, he had felt something shift between the two of you, and he felt difficulty to raise the issue, to talk it out. He even felt difficulty to play it out, to sing it out, to just let his frustrations flow.
Of course, Taerae knew that couples fought. He knew it was normal for lovers to throw hurtful things at each otherās heads from time to time. He could list more than 10 songs that captured this exact feeling of defeat, when one hurts the person, they love the most. It was his hyperawareness of this fact, that made it all the more difficult to ignore the fact that you just did not fight.
It was not like the two of you would not have reason for conflict, but it always seemed like whenever the two of you were close to fighting, you shut down. Your passiveness got a hold of you, and you logged out of Taeraeās life until you were ready to forget about the reason you would have fought anyway. Whether or not you reflected and decided it wasnāt as big as a deal as it seemed at first, or if you just ignored the hurt, Taerae didnāt know.
What he did know however was, that this could not be healthy. Neither for you, nor for him. He refused to lose the love of his life over something such as the lack of fighting. All Taerae wanted was to love you. He wanted all that there is to a relationship, the love, the fights, the forgiving. He didnāt need perfect; he didnāt want perfect.
He was sure of his feelings for you, he had been for the longest time. Maybe he did love you more than you did him, but that didnāt even matter to Taerae. He was just worried, heād lose you. He was so confident in his own love, he became insecure of yours.
So, on this day, on his way home from university, on his way to you, he thought about how maybe, he just wasnāt worth enough for you to fight with him. Maybe it wasnāt that you didnāt like to fight, maybe it was that he just wasnāt worth fighting with. And for the first time, these kinds of Taeraeās feelings made sense.
*
From the beginning of your relationship, you had been determined to give Taerae your whole heart. You wanted nothing more than to love the sweet boy to your heartās full capacity. And the more you got to know him, the more your heartās ability to do so grew. And with that your fear of losing him.
In your entire life, you had not really fought with anybody, ever. Of course, there had been disagreements and discussions, but most of the time you hadnāt deemed the topics worth fighting over. You had also had relationships before, none as serious as the one with Taerae, and they mostly ended amicably. Definitely nothing like any Olivia Rodrigo song. You intended to keep the number of break-ups you had had the same, although you knew realistically, the number of fights had to go up at some point, but thus far even disagreements with Taerae hadnāt proven annoying enough to fight over. All you wanted to do is love him.
You didnāt want to fight with him, or to worry him, or to hurt him. You just wanted to love Taerae.
So, on the day the temperatures had dropped as well as all the leaves, and Taerae used the spare keys you had given him to let himself into your apartment, to cook together, the last thing you had expected was to fight.
One look, out of the window and you saw the blanket of grey and white that threatened (or promised) to spill the first snow of the season. You had been waiting for Taerae to come home for some time now and had been working on some university assignments until the all too familiar jingle of keys announced his arrival. The first thing you heard right after the sound of the soft thump Taeraeās guitar case made when he set it down, was a sigh. And only then did you realize just how stressful the past month had been for the both of you. You and Taerae were both drowning in assignments and projects and that meant you spent the majority of your time in the library, as he did in the studio. It had been hard for you with work and university to find time to just be together, especially with a lot occupying both of your minds.
Communicating had never been your forte and you found it even harder to discuss your worries when the time you had together was so scarce. Taerae had been good at voicing his feelings and telling you when he was stressed but in the past days, he seemed a little closed off as well, so this sigh seemed to be a giveaway.
Still, worries aside a soft smile rested on your lips as he entered the kitchen, the table currently occupied by books and sheets of paper, your own little chaos ruling over the space.
āLooks intense,ā Taerae chuckled as he made his way to you.
āItās even worse than this looks in here,ā you motioned with your finger to your head as you closed your laptop shut, standing up to hug your boyfriend hello.
Taerae kissed your cheek, taking in your scent. He noticed the hints of coffee scent in your hair, an indicator that you had worked the morning shift. He didnāt know you had worked today. You used to share your work schedule with him at the beginning of the week. Taerae knew you werenāt obligated to share your schedule with him, he wasnāt possessive like that, but just stopping to do so, irked him in some kind of way.
āYou okay?ā you asked as Taerae was staring off into space, and you grabbed a bottle of water.
āYeah,ā one look at you and he knew you didnāt believe a single word he just said, āitās just the usual. Creative pressure and such.ā
You cocked your head, the way you always did when processing things, thinking of what to say, āYou sure thatās the only reason? You kind of seem a little off the past few days.ā
He knew you didnāt mean it like an accusation. He knew that doing this, fighting, on grounds of you asking if there was anything else wrong was ridiculous. But Taerae also supposed it was as good a reason as any. Still, he didnāt mean the words to come out quite as harsh as they did.
āYeah? You mean like how you donāt even tell me when you work these days anymore? Or what assignments youāre working on? Who youāre working on them with?ā
One look and Taerae realized you were clearly taken aback by what he had said. Or how he had said it.
āIām- Iām sorry, I didnāt realize you had to approve my schedule. I donāt mean to keep it secret Taerae, but Iām not talking about schedules or shifts, or even university. Somethingās clearly bothering you.ā Your brows were scrunched up and arms crossed.
Taerae scoffed silently, āWhyā¦ā he tried to gather the words in his head, to make them seem a little less ridiculous than they were, āWhy wonāt you fight with me?ā
āHuh?ā now you were taken aback. āWhy wonāt I fight with you? Maybe because thereās nothing to fight about?ā
āOh, come on, Y/N. I know you get annoyed when I stay in the studio for too long and donāt text you when I know youāre waiting for dinner plans or something. And I - I get annoyed when you just brush things off, but you always apologize even if thereās nothing to apologize for. Sometimesā Sometimes I just want to be annoyed with you and you should be annoyed with me as well for being annoyed.ā
You frowned, what he said was true, even if you werenāt sure he was making sense 100%. In any case, these things just seemed inconsequential. Whenever stuff like that occurred you had been more worried than annoyed, sad maybe, but definitely not mad.
āWhat do you mean? I just donāt think these things are worth fighting over.ā
Taerae closed his eyes, in the way he did when he couldnāt get the right chord combination, in the way he did to coordinate his thoughts, in the way he did just before letting go of a frustrated breath.
āSee? This is what I mean. I just- It just feels like that to you Iām not worth fighting with.ā
Now there was hurt on your face. Taerae didnāt mean to twist your words but it just, that is what it sounded like to him. This is what it felt like to him.
āI- Thatās not what I said at all, Taerae,ā Your tone had also changed. It was more straight forward, more matter-of-factly. Yet your eyes seemed desperate to just clarify this situation, so, you searched in his for some sort of doubt of his last statement, āYou know that thatās not true, right?ā
āI donāt know! It seems like it if Iām being honest,ā his voice was just below a shout. Although it definitely didnāt seem angry, it was just as desperate as the look in your eyes. He tried to understand you, the way you tried to understand him, āIt feels like whatever I do, whether itās good or bad it doesnāt matter.ā
āWhat? Of course, it matters. Taerae, you matter, so much!ā You tried to hold the eye contact, but your emotions seemed to overflow, making it impossible to think and talk, but you tried anyways, āI am sorry, and donāt get me wrong, this is not me not wanting to fight right now, Iām just trying to understand- to make you understand; Never has anything you did not affected me. Be it negative or positive. I know weāve talked about it but- you know Iām still learning, right? I just- I donāt want my feelings to be a bother to you. I donāt want me to be a reason for you to not do something. I just- I simply want to be a support for you. I donāt want you to have to worry about me and my feelings too, because I just- I so confidently want you. I just want to love you, Taerae.ā
He looked at you, and you looked at him as you continued.
āNever did I mean to hurt you by not fighting with you. If you want to fight then okay, letās fight. Letās scream at each other and hurt each other, but I just- I just want to be able to love you through it all.ā
You didnāt realize you had started to cry. And Taerae hadnāt realized how much it would hurt to see you cry. So, all he did was pull you close and engulf you in a hug.
āOkay. Iām sorry, too.ā He was afraid of letting you go, as the thoughts raced through his head, as he tried to turn back time. He cursed himself for not realizing how much it sucked to fight. How much it sucked to hurt the person you love the most. āOkay, letās love, okay?ā
So, when the first snow began to fall, as it covered the rooftops and bare trees like sugar did pancakes, and a peacefulness settled after the first fight, you and Taerae decided to love each other, but also fight with each other, and cry and laugh with each other, and hurt and forgive each other. The both of you just prayed that you wouldnāt lose each other. Ā
5. i loved you
An unexpectedly cold spring night put you in an incredibly uncomfortable position.
One would think that at the end of April the temperatures would somewhat rise above 10 degrees, but to your disappointment, they had even dropped below zero. You didnāt know what had come over the city to still be as freezing as it was, but you couldnāt help but think it was your heart that had conjured up the unexpected mid-spring-ice-age.
Cursing at your own messiness, you at first didnāt notice that the sweater you had pulled out, was in fact, not one of your own. You had even been so distracted by the mess that was now on your bedroom floor, that you pulled the sweater over your still with sleepiness marked head, and diligently threw the stray items into the closet, shutting the door before they could fall out once again.
Only when you caught a glimpse of your own reflection, did you realize what you had just slipped onto your body. Comforted by the familiarity of the striped sweater, but startled by the memories it brought back. The scent of its owner still hung heavy in its fibre. You stopped to look at yourself in such a familiar, yet strange item of clothing.
If anyone had told you two months ago that itād feel strange to wear Taeraeās hoodie in April you would have thought it would have been because of the warm weather, and not because Taerae had broken up with you just a couple of weeks before.
You were well aware that you had had a life before Taerae. You just didnāt know you would have one after Taerae. In all honesty, you had hoped you wouldnāt have.
The most tragic part was, Taerae just hadnāt given you the closure one would need after getting broken up with by the love of their lives. He hadnāt really given you any explanation at all. Nothing more than a lot off bullshit, and a just-because. It was easy for most people in your life to go from loving to hating him, but even with the lack of sympathy for your situation, you found it difficult.
You had tried to hate him, you had tried to resent him even, but nothing had proven effective enough to erase your love for him. Taerae had been engraved into your bones. And now he expected you to just move on?
*
In hindsight, you should have seen it coming. At least thatās what you told yourself, thatās what you told your friends who were asking why the two of you broke up. Coming up with more than absurd reason of why you should have known, when in reality you simply couldnāt have. Because even in hindsight, you never could have seen it coming.
So, on the evening of, when Taerae had told you things werenāt working for him anymore, his face straight and not showing any emotion, not showing his signature smile, or even a tear; On the evening of, when you had begged Taerae to just tell you what you had to change, what it was you had done wrong and that you would fix them, if only heād stay; On the evening of, when even after you had cried and shouted, he just took his guitar case and left; On the evening of the break up, you hadnāt gotten an answer. And neither had you in the two weeks since.
In fact, you had not seen Taerae at all. Or heard from him, not even through friends or social media. You wondered if he was okay, if he really was as unbothered as he had seemed, even though it was unnatural for him to act the way he did. You had always deemed Taerae a gentle person, but the way he ended things, was just so unlike him. So, he had to be not okay as well, right?
The lack of answers made you do something you had never had to do before, which was speculate and wonder. Taerae had always worn his heart on his sleeve and expressed himself so diligently most of the time, if not through words, surely, he would have done so through music. So, speculating about how he must feel now, was something you had never had to do. But now you caught yourself wondering all the time. You wondered how many things he thought about before the thought of you popped into his head. You speculated what the songs he was composing these days sounded like. Were they about you?
Either way, there was no hiding from him. Not for you, not just yet.
Still, the hurt you had felt the first few days was overwhelming, you couldnāt eat or sleep or do anything much other than run on autopilot. It had become so bad, that some of the regular customers noticed. It was almost like all life had been sucked out of you, and in a sense it had been; A possible future life had been taken from you. A future you had hoped for ever since you had met Taerae. A future you now grieved.
So, now looking at yourself in the mirror, the striped sweater hanging from your body, keeping it warm, felt like a glimpse of what if. A glimpse of Taerae. A glimpse of the person you had been when you were with him. A person you could have been, but never would.
For a second you wondered again, Taerae well established in your mind. But in the end, it didnāt matter. There was no use wondering and retracing everything you did during the last few days of your relationship. There was no use, because you did everything you said you would: You had loved Taerae, you loved him still, with your heartās full capacity. Over the months you had fought and made up and hurt each other and forgiven the hurt. But now none of it mattered, so you might as well try and forget, instead of dwell and grieve.
So, with a swift motion you stripped the sweater off your body, exposing yourself once more to cold of the spring morning that had even seeped through the walls of your apartment. The frost making itself known in the form of icy crystals on your window. You didnāt look for another sweater, you wanted to feel the cold.
You werenāt sure what you had done wrong. But still, you knew more than you didnāt. You knew there was nothing you could do. You knew you would hurt for some time still. You knew you would see Taerae in buskers, guitars, and iced tea. You knew you would hear him in Hi-Hellos and the jingle of keys. You knew you loved him, and you knew itād be a long time before you stopped.
So, for now youād try to forget.
6. you were beautiful
There was a hum in the air, a melody that made its way through the busy streets of the city. The warm weather had finally decided to stay, and it stuck to the cement like chewing gum, barely cooling down overnight.
Taerae had kept himself busy over the past month, not really wanting to slow down, but with graduation coming up, also not really being able to do so. For him there had barely been any time to just stroll around, or go to cafes with his friends, or to simply just think; These days Taerae still didnāt really knew how to function normally, how to function like he did before you. Of course, he still had to perform, write, and produce music for university, but he rarely went out to busk or did these things for joy like he used to. It was something outsiders could have never noticed; How Taerae did everything but nothing at the same time. Only the people close to him, could tell something was up. They knew of the break-up of course, but they could only guess why exactly it happened in the first place.
Walking around in the area by his apartment was one of the only times Taerae consciously searched for some down time, to sort out at least some of his thoughts. Of course, he was cautious not to stray too close to your workplace, more for his own sake than yours. As of now, Taerae wasnāt sure how his heart would react if he was to come face to face with you unexpectedly. Ever since he had decided to break it off with you, he had barely fathomed to hold a single thought about you. He simply couldnāt conjure up enough courage to deal with his own heart break. So, up until now, pushing everything away would have had to do the trick.
He wasnāt sure what exactly had ticked off his thought process to recall the day of the professor-student conversation. Maybe it was the undeniable sense of Deja-vu he felt when he spotted a young busker, surrounded by only a small group of people, who were all listening carefully to the boyās song. Maybe it was the girl listening, who from the back looked exactly like the one he loved. It could have been either of these two or another altogether, but in any case, Taerae knew, that maybe it was time to face this inevitable heart ache, even if just for the duration of this walk.
*
At the beginning of each semester, music and music production majors are required to sit down with one of their supervising professors, to discuss projects for the upcoming term. Most of these conversations were easy going, and the projects subject to change, but the conversation at the start of the second semester senior year was one equally feared and anticipated.
The senior project for music and music production majors was basically the making of an entire album, with full creative freedom. Taerae had been more than excited to get started on it, in fact, he had been so eager that the songs for his album were ready for recording as soon as his supervising professor approved of them.
So, yes, Taerae was a tad bit nervous entering the professorās office. But he was generally well-liked and so were his songs, so he was sure this meeting would go over smoothly, and he would have to do nothing more than to put in a reservation to one of the student recording studios and was good to go.
And that was the case, partly.
Everything was going well; the professor praised his compositions and skills as a lyricist. The way he had described Taerae as someone to get across any type of feeling, made Taeraeās chest swell with pride. It wasnāt until the last few minutes of the meeting, when Taerae was supposed to thank the professor in front of him and get straight to work, that everything was pushed out of his rightful trajectory.
Taerae was about to get up out of the chair he had been sitting in somewhat tensely, when the professor said something, that in hindsight, put as many things into perspective as it pushed out of it. At least for Taerae.
āThis girl must be quite the experience for you as a song writer.ā
āExcuse me?ā Taerae had said then, distraught, and genuinely confused.
The professor had then proceeded to explain how certain people, certain experiences, determined the colours of the artists in any art form. And that you, were certainly one of these experiences that would influence Taerae a great deal, even once the next experience would come into his life.
Looking back now, Taerae wasnāt sure why he had taken what his professor said so to heart. He definitely didnāt think of you as an experience. He didnāt think of you as something temporary at all. He didnāt think that there was any more evolving for him to be done, Taerae would have been good writing songs about you for the rest of his life.
But was this how the world perceived you? As an experience? Did he, through his songs somehow reduce you to something less than what you were, something temporary, something to live through and then move on?
From this point on Taerae couldnāt help but spiral in his self-doubt. Doubt for his love for you, and doubt for his skill of song writing. Thinking back on statements his friends had made, like how they would also write songs as good as Taeraeās if they had a Y/N in their lives, only confirmed his insecurities in his own love for you. Taerae somehow had gotten way into his head about it.
In Taeraeās mind it wasnāt fair to you. It wasnāt fair to make you an experience in his life. It wasnāt fair, when all you did was give, when you read his every thought and tried so hard to be better and learned with the mistakes you made, learned to love Taerae even more.
Taerae remembered that you had said you wanted nothing more than to love Taerae for the rest of your life, that he was your person. And all Taerae had done was make you an experience.
*
Lost in thought, a sigh heavy on his lips, Taerae hadnāt noticed the young woman listening to the busker turn around. She hadnāt yet looked at him, instead she was gushing about the music to the friend who had just joined her. Had the other joined the young woman any earlier, Taerae would have known in an instant that it was in fact you: the pink hair of your best friend and co-worker a dead giveaway. The two of you a duo Taerae found difficulty in separating, even during the days of you dating.
Chaehyun was whispering something in your ear, which made you laugh a little louder than you had anticipated, a hand coming to cover your mouth as you snickered in slight embarrassment. More than once had Taerae witnessed an interaction similar to this one, and looking at you now, made his heart ache with longing.
But he understood that that was something he wouldnāt be able to see again. He knew that he couldnāt really love you the way you deserved to be loved, so he wouldnāt try.
In the past, Taerae had always felt he was good at expressing himself. You had always promised him to get better at things, to learn the love Taerae needed. Without missing a day, you had told him you loved him. Sometimes first thing in the morning, sometimes it was the last thing he heard when he fell asleep. You had always thought of Taerae first, he had been the most important thing in your life, and Taerae had been well aware of this fact, you had told him more than once. Yet you still didnāt put pressure on the young man, you waited patiently on him in every sense. Maybe Taerae hadnāt been so good at expressing his feelings, maybe you had been the one very aware of your own feelings along. Ā
Watching you from afar, he wondered if you thought of him as much as he did of you. He wondered if everything the two of you had been, was something of the past to you, or if everything, if he, was still present in your life, if he still was something you had to consider, even if it was just to avoid him successfully.
*
The warm wind grazed over you, as it did Taerae, sending your hair flying in its direction. Your head turned towards the young man standing more than a few metres away from you, gaze fixed upon you. It took you some time to remember to not stretch out your arm and wave at him in greeting. It took you even longer to remember not to make your way towards the boy to greet him with a soft kiss on the cheek.
It also took some time for Taerae to not expect any of this from happening; looking at you now, you were a stranger he still loved.
But looking at him now, you realized he was a stranger you once loved. And thus, a small smile made its way onto your face as you turned away, interlocking your arms with your friend, and walking off into the direction of your workplace.
*
To Taerae it had always been interesting how people forgot, once it was over, once it was done. But Taerae would never forget what it was like to love you. He would never forget what it was like to be loved by you. How it was beautiful, how you were beautiful. Taerae would aways remember, he could simply never forget. Maybe someday, he would be fortunate enough to remind you again.
yay!! you made it to the end!! i hope that you were able to enjoy it despite the somewhat sad ending!! thank you again for reading and iād love to hear your thoughts on it!! love youuuu
this piece was written by @yourstruleejn so please donāt post on any other platforms or translate into any other languages! thank u !!!
six days of a love story. from its beginning to its end.
ā
pairing // kim taerae x fem! reader; other characters mentioned are hanbin and kim chaehyun on the readers side, and junhyeon and matthew on taeraeās!
genre // fluff & angst; university student! au; he fell first, she fell harder-ish; itās based on six selected day6 songs!
word count // 14.5 k
tw // not too sure, insecurities in oneās own feelings but if there are any more lmk!
playlist // here (i recommend listening in order but i can't really tell you what to do so! have fun!)
authorās note // iām back!! so sorry it took so long but i genuinely loved writing this! it was so much fun, i tried to keep it kind of realistic but itās been a while since my last relationship so iām not too sure i succeeded lol! anyways i hope you enjoy reading and that it was worth the wait!
!!! reminder !!! everything i write about on here is entirely fictional and in no way am i saying this is how the people mentioned would act in real life! itās all just pretend! ā”
How come when the skies turn grey, heavy clouds like curtains keeping out the light, we forget the vivid of the blue, the warmth of sun? How come when the winter months set in and the trees stand bare, we forget the rustle of the leaves as the summer wind hums the tune to July? How come when a person enters our lives, we cannot imagine our life not knowing them? But how come, once the same person leaves, everything reminds us of them, like a ghost coming back to haunt us, to remind us of what could have been?
1. hi hello
The smell of coffee, polite smiles, and the morning rush. It was usually around May when you noticed that the hot chocolates turned into iced americanos. An established tradition for your co-workers and you, was to buy the drink for the first customer who ordered it iced. A welcome to summer, a deed to make someone smile. Of course, the lot of you usually ended up giving out more than one free drink, not only because of miscommunications, but mostly because it seemed like the right thing to do. Thus, you and the other employees were more grateful than ever that your boss was as lenient as he was, usually laughing it off, and popping an ice cube in his steaming hot cappuccino as a gesture. Nevertheless, he was sure to give a stern warning (or a friendly reminder, as he liked to call them) to not give out any more free iced drinks once the first week of May had passed. You usually just smiled at your phone as the yearly text made all of your phones whistle in unison.
The first Friday of May was here and with it you had hoped a comfortably busy day at work. The weather was embracing the light mood of the university students running around near campus, and you were convinced more than one of them would crave an iced beverage of some sort.
You had been cleaning the espresso machine, making sure everything was bound to run smoothly for your next order, when the serenity of the afternoon made itself known to you: No customers were queuing for their orders, the inside-tables of the small coffee shop were empty, the ones outside just as unoccupied, which was due to the unexpectedly harsh sun, who warmed the cement for the first time, radiating it back towards the already heating air. It was to be expected, the parasols were still packed away in the storage room in the back of the shop. Sighing you rested your head on top your hands looking through the opened front as the quiet outside world was conquered by the sunrays of early May. You could feel the cool of the counter spread onto the palms of your hands, as the dooming boredom of your uneventful work afternoon towered over you.
At the beginning of your shift, your boss had asked you if you would be fine alone for a few hours today, you had agreed reluctantly, as it could have very well gone wrong, but now you were glad that you had not insisted on anyone else coming in. You knew Hanbin was busy with dance practice, and that Chaehyun had been excited all week for a date she was going on today. Having one of them come in unexpectedly and then do nothing all afternoon, would have been not only a waste of their time but also of your bossā money. So, you supposed, it was fitting for this particular Friday to be slowest day ever. Even though it meant boredom for you. Oh my god, this was going to be a long afternoon.
Time was passing three times as slow as it usually did. In the past 15 minutes you had been sure three times, that it was time you started the closing duties, only to realize that merely a handful of minutes had passed. You had grown so impatient with today, that you considered turning the time forwards, so that you could close early āon accidentā and go home. Of course, as an amazing employee you would never do anything like this ever, but it sure crossed your head once or twice (or three times actually). Sighing at the clock once more, you retreated back to your position with your head resting on the counter as you wait for the seconds to creep by.
Immersed by the ticking of the time and so busy tapping the rhythm of the melody stuck in your head that you didnāt notice someone approaching the shop, until the bell announced his entry.
āHi,ā a rather low voice greeted as you scrambled into your usual upright position behind the counter.
āHello!ā You smiled at the young man in front of you. He must have been around your age, maybe a little bit older, but that was judging by his voice. His appearance was sweet and youthful, his smile bright, his hair a little messy, but just the right amount. Charming. He was the kind of boy that would star in a Taylor Swift music video. Classic friends-to-lovers. You had to suppress a small giggle at the thought of it.
In the moments between his greeting, your greeting and the Taylor Swift fantasies, your brain still found the time to wonder what his order would be (it worked fast like that). Maybe something classic like an iced americano? Or something unexpected like a strawberry latte? You had been so bored, alone the thought of making a drink excited you beyond reason.
āWhat can I get you today?ā you asked with a practiced, but this time more genuine than not, smile on your face.
Ā It was a nice spot for busking, the shade from the trees making it cool enough to perform in the summertime as well. Your eyes darted to the guitar bag slung across his shoulder, lips caught between his teeth as he expectantly waited for your answer.
āOh. So, you donāt want a drink, huh?ā You really tried to suppress the disappointment, but judging from the look on his face, you werenāt doing a good job. Well at least you would soon have some sort of entertainment. And who knows, maybe he was so good, heād bring in some customers.
āDo I have to buy a drink to be allowed to busk?ā His eyebrows shot up, his expression changing from sweet to curious.
He smiled slightly, determined to satisfy your need to prepare a drink for him, āActually, I could use a little bit of a refreshment.ā
Matching his expression, your face now showcased a bright smile as you handed him the menu. You werenāt sure if he could tell how grateful you were to finally be able to do something other than stand around and check the time, but you tried to show it to him by whipping back and forth slightly, stealing glances at him as he decided. You waited patiently as he studied the menu, tongue poking out between his teeth. He was cute, in a clueless kind of way.
Finally, he lifted his head, adjusted his guitar, slung over his shoulder, and cleared his throat, āActually, could I maybe get a bottle of water?ā
You were about to cry. A whole menu full of drinks ranging from coffees to mochas to fruit teas and smoothies, and this man wants a bottle of water? You were sure he could see the disappointment written on your face once again as he looked up from the small piece of paper in his hands.
A somewhat apologetic smile rested on his lips; he knew what he did.
āWater?ā you asked again, just to be sure. Just so that you didnāt misunderstand and accidentally got the man a water instead of the strawberry matcha latte he just ordered.
āWater is free.ā That interrupted his mental face palm as you smiled politely and pointed to the jug to your right. It was filled with fresh orange and lemon slices as well as mint to give the water a little something. Usually, the taste of the fruit would not be that strong as it would get refilled and emptied quite quickly, but today it had been standing around for a while, so you were sure it would actually taste a bit like the citrus and herbs floating inside of it. You supposed the boy would be in for a treat.
āThatās nice.ā Thatās nice?
āDo you need a cup for it to take it outside?ā As you were speaking, you already turned around, grabbing one of the paper cups and a pen ready to write his name on it. You realized it was unnecessary to do this for a mere cup of water, but in all honesty, you were just as intrigued by the man in front of you, as you had been disappointed by the lack of creative drink-ordering; You wanted to know the name of the man that gave you hope just to take it all away from you again.
āWhatās your name?ā you smiled innocently, already setting the pen down to write as you looked at the man through your lashes.
āOh. Uhm Taerae.ā
You chuckled, āOkay, Oh-Uhm-Taerae,ā you handed him the cup, āEnjoy your water!ā you winked at him, smiling as he filled it up.
Taking a sip of his water he set down his guitar and finally let out a dramatic sigh, he didnāt realize needed to leave his body right this second. There was not much to his busking set up, just him and his guitar, a stool, and a small speaker. Taerae used to have a booklet with all of his favourite songs, but he knew them by heart now, so no need to hide behind the notes. Matthew always said he would hide his face behind the pages, and when he first performed without it there had been twice as many people, not because he was better, but because people could see his smile. Taerae wasnāt so sure that that was the reason.
The sun was getting lower and lower as Taerae procrastinated starting to play. He could feel as the anticipation radiated off of you. You had settled back behind the counter, still watching him as he pretend to tune his guitar for the nth time. Taerae couldnāt hold eye contact with you for longer than an accidental moment, if had been able to, he would have seen the amused smile on your face as you sipped on a glass of water yourself. Taerae had his āOh-Uhm-Taeraeā titled cup sat on the ground beside him. He had blushed even more when he had realized how you had teased him and was sure youād get along great with Junhyeon once he introduced the two of you. If he got to ever introduce to his friends.
He was sure by now you could tell he was stalling, so with one last look around the area, and one last sip of his wonderful water, he strummed his guitar.
Taerae was happy he could bring you some business. He was also happy that your very distracting eyes didnāt linger on him quite as intensely as they did during his first song. It had been a successful busking for him even after his first struggles. The sky had eventually turned darker and darker, and the air had gone crisp with the last goodbyes of what once was winter. With more and more people leaving it was time for him as well to wrap up. At one point there had been so many people, it was almost impossible for Taerae to see the front of the store, making it difficult for him to confirm that you were still watching, paying attention to him. The awkward interaction out of his mind, he was happy to catch you look at him during any free moment of your now busy work afternoon/evening.
Zipping up his guitar, Taerae got ready to leave. He could still feel the guitar strings giving way and embedding themselves under his fingertips, thatās how he knew it had been a good session. It was quiet now that he had stopped playing, no spectators left but the first cicadas welcoming the night-time. Taerae would have just left if it hadnāt been for jingle of keys followed by a soft āWait a momentā that caught his attention.
He turned and sure enough there you were, bag slung over your shoulder, hair tied out of your face, revealing a smile and gleaming eyes.
āHi,ā you smiled.
āHello,ā Taerae reciprocated.
You handed him the takeaway cup you were carrying, adorned with a neat āOh-Uhm-Taeraeā. You smiled as he raised his eyebrows at the nickname, his own heart swelling at your chuckle.
āItās tea,ā You explained, āI figured you could use some after singing all afternoon.ā
He nodded, bringing the beverage to his lips. The stark contrast of the cool May night and the heat of the tea made him realize how his body had cooled down, āThank you. Itās nice.ā There he goes again with his nice. He rolled his eyes at himself.
āWell, thatās good! I can make more than water, you know?ā you smiled, āAnyways, thank you for today, you brought in more customers than any other busker has thus far. In the name of my boss and his business, I wanted to invite you back to play again. Preferably Tuesdays, Thursdays, or Fridays in the afternoons. Thatās when I work.ā
Taerae should have acted cool and said something like, Iāll see if I can make it, or I will if my schedule allows it, but instead he just laughed and nodded āokayā. He didnāt trust his own voice right now; it would probably give away his excitement.
āGood,ā You smiled satisfied, āThen Iāll see Tuesday, Oh-Uhm-Taerae.ā You turned to walk away.
āJust Taerae is fine!ā He was not going to have his crush call him Oh-Uhm-Taerae.
If he had been any smarter, he would have just said āTaeraeā. In fact, if he had been smarter, he would have not stuttered saying his name in the first place. But Taerae was Taerae, and you were you.
So, turning around, but not stopping your walking backwards, you smile mischievously, āAlright then, Just-Taerae, see you Tuesday!ā you could see his mouth opening and closing in retaliation, but before he could say anything more, with a slightly louder voice you said, āIām just Y/N, by the way.ā
Taerae watched as you waked away, smiling to himself, sipping on his tea, skipping on the way home. He had now been officially introduced to āJust-Y/N.ā
This Thursday in particular you had something planned, as you had let him know beforehand. Taerae was excited, a little bit nervous even, it was unusual for you to plan something, normally having Taerae decide what the two of you would eat and do. He was very good at reading people, and heād usually figure something out that fit with both of your moods.
But not today apparently, today you had decided, and Taerae had no idea what it was so, yes, he was a tad bit nervous.
It frustrated Taerae to no end that he did not have the same effect on you, as you had on him.
Sure enough, after another few minutes of waiting the familiar jingle of keys rushed Taerae out of his head, back down to earth. Back down to real you, not head you. He liked both versions equally, so he wasnāt complaining.
You grinned at him as you made your way towards the boy, āHi.ā
āHello,ā he greeted with suspicion. The expression on your face was foreign, but it really couldnāt mean anything good for Taerae, as it reminded him too much of Junhyeonās scheming face, you were scheming. In Taeraeās head there were only two options; Either you were planning some intricate prank with his friend, or you were planning something sweet, far from a prank, and Taerae would spontaneously confess in a waterfall of words and your newfound, yet very precious friendship, would suffer from it.
āWhy do you look so anxious?ā there was a somewhat nervous smile on your lips, eyebrows scrunched up in worry as you handed Taerae his post-performance-beverage.
Taerae shook his head, āIām not. I just donāt want to get murdered by you. So, before we go, I just wanted to remind you that my voice is a gift to the world, and if you are planning on un-aliving me today, that youād be taking it away from the whole world and everybody would be mad at you.ā
You looked at him, a half scoff, half laugh escaping your lips.
āIām serious, Y/N. Iām sharing my location with Junhyeon this entire evening.ā Taerae crossed his arms in front of his chest, awaiting your reassurance that in fact you were not going to kill him.
āWhat makes you think Junhyeon isnāt in on the plan?ā you smirked, while Taeraeās expression fell.
This joking manner was one of the only times Taerae could look at you without his heart combusting or his eyes diverting as soon as they met yours. And while you were laughing at your very lame retaliation, he had time to take you in. It was beyond Taerae how someone could make him so nervous yet so at peace at the same time.
āCome on now, Taeraeā you smiled leading the way towards the metro station, āhave a little faith in me, yea?ā
If only you knew the amount of faith he had in you. So, of course, Taerae followed.
*
Laughing and joking the two of you discussed all the songs Taerae played today. Thus far he had not played your request, which, like every time after a performance, you let him know by complaining excessively.
The station way bustling with people going home from work, students finding their way to their after-school-studies, and people like you; Looking for activities to end the day on a relaxing note. Out of instinct Taerae placed his hand on your lower back, guiding you through the sea of people towards the train as you were rambling on about this weekās songs and the lack of your favourites (although any song sung by Taerae was your favourite, but not that he needed to know that just yet).
Whenever you and him were together, you had noticed that you forgot the rest of the world existed. Not necessarily in the way, how everything else goes blurry and your focus was solely on him, but rather that real life just slows down a little bit. Whenever you were with Taerae, everything else just seemed less important, far away.
He, however, seemed always grounded. Even when you were excitedly babbling on, Taerae simultaneously smiled and made sure you werenāt in anybodyās way, yet still matched your energy and made sure to react to you. You never understood how he could be so focused on the rest of the world as well. It was especially frustrating because you could either focus on him entirely, or not at all; for you with Taerae it was an all or nothing situation.
*
The train was more or less ripping at its seams when you got on. You always wondered how so many people could fit in such a confined space and not get squashed. You had hoped that due to the nice weather and the rather late hour, it would have been a little emptier, but no, clearly nothing beats the AC of a subway. The hopes of a seat after a long afternoon of work had been abandoned a long time ago, as you got pushed closer and closer towards Taerae.
In all honesty, the boy was panicking. He didnāt know where to put his hands, what to hold onto as to prevent the both of you from falling at each halt the train took. His only hope was for the crowds to thin once the next big transfer point arrived. But until then? He wasnāt sure how to keep standing upright and breathe properly, with you this close.
āY/N?ā Taerae whispered barely audible.
āHm?ā You looked up at him, waiting for him to continue.
But just as Taerae started to speak, you saw the man behind him stand up from his seat. In an effort to not notice how close Taerae had been, you had heard him grumbling to himself how packed the train was and that he could get off at the next station and walk the rest home, but that had been three stops ago. Now that he was actually getting up, you had to act fast. The man pushed past you and in a swift motion you pushed Taerae against the seat, making him sit down with a thump.
You smiled at him triumphantly as his big eyes looked back at you. The man getting up and you pushing Taerae had happened so swiftly that, Taerae hadnāt noticed he had grabbed a hold of your hand as to not lose balance. And you hadnāt either, smiling happily to yourself as you stood in front of Taerae, shielding him from the masses.
Taerae however, would not have you stand when you had been the one working almost all day. He pulled you towards him, getting up at the same time. To spectators it mightāve looked like a twirl, a spontaneous dance on the subway. Well, as a result, you were now sitting and Taerae was leaning over you, satisfied with the change of position.
For a moment there had been a smug grin on his face, but it was soon wiped away by a blush, as he noticed a group of students squealing next to you, whispering to each other and giggling. You too had looked away from Taerae in an attempt to hide your flushed cheeks. But Taerae noticed. And he smiled.
*
From this moment on, the train ride seemed to go on forever. The crowd thinned as your stop approached and soon only a handful of people were in your compartment. Taerae had sat down beside you, taking one of the high-school girlsā seat once they got up and left, but only after they had made sure Taerae did in fact sit down next to you and not anybody else. It was kind of sweet. Still, you couldnāt look any of them in the eye as they got off the train.
Finally, your stop arrived and in a swift motion you got up. Taerae was excited too, he still didnāt know where exactly you were going, but now he at least knew the broad area; The stop was a little towards the edge of the city, where parks and playgrounds dominated the cemented roads. It was a nice change of scenery, and Taerae welcomed it.
Coming up above ground, he noticed how quickly the sun had set, the sky only showing remnants of the bright day at its horizon. You had stopped a few paces in front of him, finding it hard to regain orientation somewhere you hadnāt been in such a long time.
āWhere to first?ā Taerae asked, curious as to where you could be going this late. You had let him know beforehand that there would not be a grand meal today, and that he should eat something in between busking and yourā¦ date?
āThe convenience store.ā You explained, once you saw the small corner store you used to visit as a kid, āTo get ice cream, naturally.ā
So, the two of you made your way towards the store and after a few minutes of weighing options and discussing preferences, Taerae and you had decided on green-tea ice cream, and a caramel flavoured one.
āOkay, ice cream secured,ā you smiled at Taerae exiting the shop, āNow, Mr. Kim, I shall show you one of my favourite places of all time.ā
āWhat an honour.ā He smiled as he tagged along, catching up with you as you started in the direction of a small park.
It had been a little later than you had anticipated, making it a little harder for you to find the exact spot you were looking for. The trees were practically pitch black, and although there were a few lanterns lighting the way, they were too little and too far apart to actually help a great deal. The gravel crunched beneath your shoes as you snacked on the ice cream and made your way further into the green.
āThere it is!ā
As soon as the small wooden pavilion was in sight you tugged on Taeraeās sleeve to hurry. He had to admit, he wasnāt sure why you were this excited about a wooden structure in a park, at the other end of the city. He thought it was adorable, nonetheless. Coming up the small hill he saw that the pavilion overviewed a small pond, where this time strategically placed light illuminated the water surface.
āNice, is it not?ā you teased, smiling up at the boy. Reacting to things with a quick āNiceā had become an inside joke between the two of you, well for you mostly; It was fun for you, but Taerae usually just rolled his eyes.
āIt is.ā He confirmed, āBut why exactly are we here? I mean donāt get me wrong, I absolutely adore being squeezed together on a train for more than half an hour and then sitting in a park. Iām just wondering.ā
āCareful, Taerae,ā you narrowed your eyes at him, āI could still murder you and dump your body in the pond.ā
He laughed., āNo but seriously, what is this place?ā
āIām not sure. I just stumbled upon it one day during my first week of uni. It was strangely familiar and when I talked to my parents about it, they said we used to come here when I was a kid,ā you shrugged, āItās nothing super special but I just wanted to show you.ā
Taerae smiled at you, and you smiled back. It was one of these quiet moments you shared. Your friendship thus far had been filled with laughter and music and teasing, but every once in a while, a quiet moment like this made it special. Until someone decided to break the quiet, of course.
āYou should have told me; I would have brought my guitar. Properly serenated you.ā He pouted.
āNo more serenating, Iām growing sick of your voice Taerae, for real.ā You mocked, laughing.
This only made Taerae pout more, pushing your shoulder slightly.
The sound of your laugh faded, and Taerae observed a shift in your manner. The look you gave him in that moment sent a shiver down his spine and for a moment he wondered whether or not you had been actually joking about murdering him or not. You looked so unsure and serious, Taerae had never seen you this way.
In your life, not many days had gone your way. You werenāt sure if there were going to be a lot in the future that would. But you really needed today to go your way. Needless to say, you were worried. Of course, there had been another reason you had brought Taerae here; It wasnāt simply because you wanted to show him one of your favourite places, it was a reason as well, but not the only one. But now that you had to put your plan into action, you worried. You had been scared of your body reacting this way just before this moment. Your throat had dried up and your hands were slightly shaking and your heart, oh dear, your heart was going as fast as ever. Maybe you should just cancel the original plan and just, come up with a plan B? Was this a good idea? Did you really need to do this now?
If anything, the troublesome journey here had only confirmed your plans for today. So yes, you really had to get it off your chest, you quite literally couldnāt keep it in anymore. From the moment you saw Taerae today, to you grabbing his hand and not letting go (as if that was on accident), from the highschoolers, and everyone else on the train, as well as in your co-workers and friends, seeing what was right in front of your eyes. You just really had to tell Taerae.
āHey, actually, thereās another reason I brought you here,ā you forced a reassuring smile onto your lips, as to not worry Taerae.
You were terribly failing at not worrying Taerae; As his mind raced through all his possible wrong doings so that he could predict what horrible thing you were going to say, he kept quiet and anxiously waited for you to continue.
āWell, I wanted to bring you here because, I mainly associate this place with incredibly happy memories and I just wanted that to be a good omen, I guess.ā You were stalling. You knew that. Taerae probably knew that.
But Taerae also felt relief. It canāt be anything horrendous when you want this place to be a canvas for good memories right? No, right?
Taerae didnāt say anything. He watched your every move as you turned towards the dark that spread across the small body of water. He heard you let out a deep sigh.
This might go incredibly wrong. It might go amazingly right. Either way, you had to say it.
āTaerae,ā you started finally turning to the boy, āThereās no going back after I say this, but just know that itās okay if you donāt feel the same, I just need to tell you, okay?ā
A small smile spread across his face. Oh my god. He knew where this was going. He definitely wanted it to go there. He nodded for you to continue. In the moments between his motion and you starting to speak he thought about how he had failed as a musician. He sang love songs as a passion, he had been singing them as a hobby for years, he studied music at university, he was pouring out his heart to anyone who would listen, confessing to you every Tuesday, Thursday, Friday afternoon through the one language he knew, the one language that felt safe to him. Yet, here you were, about to confess to the boy who had been singing to you for weeks-
āI like you. As more than a friend.ā You offered him a nervous, crooked smile. The words leaving you lips much faster than you had anticipated.
āThatās such a relief.ā He answered.
āHuh?ā You looked almost scared, the blood draining from your face. Was this his way of rejecting you? No, he didnāt look apologetic at all, no pity in his eyes.
āThat means all the love songs Iāve been performing have not been in vain.ā He smiled taking a step towards you, brushing a stray strand of hair behind your ear, āI like you, Y/N. And Iāve been trying to hold it in, so you canāt even begin to imagine how happy I am that I can finally tell you.ā
If it were possible for human eyes to form themselves into hearts, yours would have changed by now. Whatever this man triggered within you, made your heart overflow with feelings, āThank god.ā You answered, making both him and you laugh.
In your nerves and relief and happiness, you hadnāt realized how impossibly close he was by now, even closer than he had been on the subway. You could feel his breath on your face and the warmth of his hand on your cheek. One last smile spread across Taeraeās lips before he finally leaned in to connect your lips to his. You met him in the last millimetres, eager to finally kiss.
It wasnāt perfect by normal standards; The two of you laughed and smiled into each other. You were a little awkward with your limbs, and a little too out of breath to be still considered sexy. Still, it was perfect because it was just the two of you. It was perfect because it was Taerae. It was perfect because it was you. It was perfect because you liked him, and he liked you.
The night was calm and cool when you and Taerae first shared a kiss. The sun had set, and the stars were watching, as your friendship bloomed into love.
Taerae had been waiting for quite some time, he was lucky enough to had spot a free table, right when he arrived to pick you up. He had also been lucky since he didnāt actually have to queue for his drink; Taerae, just like all the other significant others of the employees, got the boyfriend/girlfriend treatment; Their drink of choice waiting for them as soon as they entered. By now, you were sure he had finished his drink, even though you hadnāt finished work. You were supposed to get off half an hour ago, but with the floods of people coming through your doors, you couldnāt bring yourself to leave Chaehyun and Hanbin alone, feeling the responsibility as the longest and most experienced worker, as well as the burden of being a good friend heavy on your shoulders.
Not only that, but also your boss had spontaneously decided to go on vacation a week ago and had left you in charge. Although it had felt good to be entrusted with this responsibility, you had not anticipated the amount of work it would mean. You had worked almost every day, having to postpone meetups and get-togethers with not only friends and family, but with your boyfriend as well. The two of you had barely seen each other this week, and thus you wanted nothing more than to leave with Taerae and curl up on his couch just as you had planned, but apparently your customers had a different idea: Whenever you made your way over to his table, somebody asked for some special drink that only you knew how to make. Or the cash register decided to spontaneously combust. It was almost comical.
Every now and again yours and Taeraeās eyes met, and you mouthed an āIām sorryā, to which he just shook his head, telling you it was okay.
There had always been something magical in the way Taerae perceived you; He had gotten to know you so well over the past three months youāve dated, that he felt even if he was simply looking at you, he was experiencing something special, a unique feature to your relationship.
Ā So, it was okay. He really didnāt mind waiting for you.
What he did mind though, was how stressed you seemed; How you always did everything for everyone, more than what theyād ask for, just in case they needed that little extra; How you clearly didnāt see when there was too much on your plate, and still space on someone elseās. Taerae knew that you tended to do everything by yourself, and didnāt want to worry anyone, but Taerae was worried about you. He wanted to be your resting place, to be helpful in some way.
So, when you had finally found a spare minute to come to his side, Taerae couldnāt wait to be of some comfort, to help make you feel a little better.
āHi,ā smiled softly at the man.
Instinctively Taeraeās hand snuck around your waist, pulling you closer for maximum body contact. You smiled as the familiar warmth spread inside your chest, making you instantly ease up a bit, feeling more at home on this busy day.
āHello,ā he greeted, smiling up at you.Ā
You just smiled at each other for a moment, tanking up on some well needed calm and support, which only your boyfriend could offer. Soon enough however, your gaze was stolen away by a couple that had just joined the queue.
You sighed, āIām not sure Iāll be able to leave before closing.ā
āThatās okay. Iāll wait, I donāt mind. We can go to my apartment after.ā Taerae hoped you would agree, but he knew it was unlikely.
Your eyes were fixed on the clouds outside darkening the sky, making it seem later than it was, āHmā¦ Maybe you should go now before it rains. Iāll come right after locking up.ā You smiled at him, cocking your head to the side. A cute habit of yours, Taerae noted, but he could still see the tiredness in your eyes.
Pulling his eyes away from you towards the looming downpour, he was almost convinced. He hesitated because he just wanted to make sure you were okay and would get home as soon as possible as well.
āOkay. But make sure to hurry once youāre done, okay? And donāt get rained on.ā Taerae said while slipping on his denim jacket.
You nodded confirming his words and promising to get home as soon as possible, āThe rain will be done once Iām off, I promise.ā You smiled.
āOkay, weather fairy, Iāll see you at home.ā
He planted a kiss on your cheek and got ready to leave, the next occupant of the table already making his way towards the empty space.
*
It had in fact not stopped raining by the time you had cleaned the espresso machine and wiped down most of the tables. Hanbin and Chaehyun had left a few minutes ago, running towards the subway station, in the spare moments the rain had eased up a bit, leaving you to lock up alone. Now the rain was back to its full power, slamming onto the pavement, windows, cars, and soon you as well. You were afraid the small umbrella you found in the back of the locker room would not do much to keep you dry and warm on the short walk to Taeraeās apartment, but it had to be better than nothing.
The storm was just about to regain its entire might when you left the safety of your workplace. Turning the keys, you felt the cold wind hit your exhausted legs, sending shivers up your whole body, and sending more than a few leaves on their journey towards the ground prematurely. You cursed at yourself for thinking that late-summer-thunderstorms carried the warmth, that mid-summer-ones did. Struggling to keep the umbrella upright, you wrapped the bright blue zip-up sweater you had stolen from Taeraeās closet closer over your body. If there had been any more wind, you were sure would have been blown away.
In fact, you had been so busy trying to not take off, you barely noticed a figure hurrying in your direction.
An out of breath Taerae appeared in the far distance, his silhouette not only blurred by the rain, but also the impressive velocity of his figure running towards you. In Taeraeās hand you could make out another one of his hoodies and a definitely more sturdy-looking umbrella, more than big enough to fit the two of you.
He couldnāt help the smile as he pulled you towards himself, underneath the little shelter his umbrella offered āSo, this is where my favourite sweatshirt has gone to.ā He pointed towards the fabric currently keeping your body just a degree away from a shiver.
Unfortunately, you had been right about your umbrella being bad at its job, the sweatshirt now thoroughly soaked, āSorry,ā You smiled innocently, āBut hey, at least itās clean now.ā
Taerae shook his head, granting you refuge and additional warmth underneath his arm as he wrapped it around your body, pulling you as close as he could, āYou could have texted you know?ā he whispered in your ear, barely audible over the rain continuously slamming onto the thin fabric above the two of you.Ā
āI thought my equipment would suffice,ā you confessed, although you knew your umbrella would have been unlikely to hold up to this kind of weather, āIām sorry you had to come out to rescue me.ā
āItās what Iām here for, no? Serenating and rescuing.ā Taerae smiled, his hair curling itself back to its natural state, āUniversity student and professional busker by day, personal saviour and superhero of Y/N by night.ā
You chuckled; he really was your hero.
*
Finally inside and in dry clothes, you let yourself fall onto Taeraeās couch. As soon as your body touched the soft fabric, the sleepiness started to set in. Between the bustle of work and the adventure of running through the rain with Taerae, your body had gone from low battery to out of it completely. The only thing missing right now was your boyfriend, who was making instant noodles and a cup of tea for the both of you, insisting that you had made enough beverages today to last a lifetime, and you couldnāt agree more.
The day had been so long, and just an hour ago you had wished for nothing more than for time to pass by more quickly, but now that you had actually had time to spend with Taerae, you willed the clock to slow down for a bit.
Now in the warmth of Taeraeās apartment, you didnāt mind the weather at all; The rain was still going, tapping onto the windows nonstop, and flooding the streets outside without doubt, but what did it matter to you now that you were able to rest with your favourite person in the entire world.
Speak of the devil; Taerae set down the bowl of instant noodles in front of, followed shortly by a glass of water and a cup tea.
āThat looks so good, I could kiss you right now.ā You smiled looking at food in front of you.
āDo it then.ā Taerae turned his head towards you, expectantly waiting on the kiss you had promised.
āIt was a really hard day today, huh?ā Taeraeās voice was laced with worry, and it made you anxious. You didnāt want to worry him, there really wasnāt anything for him to worry about, he was helping as much as he could without worrying.
āIt was okay,ā you answered, a little too quiet for Taeraeās liking, āIām just glad I wonāt be in charge anymore next week.ā
While Taerae believed that the majority of what you said was true, he wouldnāt have you downplaying your feelings like that. He sighed, āYou donāt have to pretend with me, Y/N, you know? Iām here to help. I want to know when youāre stressed or feel bad or hurt.ā
In the past few months that you and Taerae had been dating, it was made obvious on more than one occasion that your boyfriendās love language was acts of service. Be it to drive you to your favourite bookstore, or to get you some medicine when you were sick. Taerae loved to just do things for you.
You smiled at your sweet boyfriend, your heart overflowing once again, āI know, itās justā¦ I can do this on my own. I donāt want to worry you.ā You nodded to yourself, feeling a little exposed.
āI get that, but the thing is, you donāt have to,ā Taerae took your hand in his, āThatās what itās like when you love someone; I want to share the hurt and the burden and the stress. I want to do it for you, and I want you to do it for me,ā his smile was faint, his eyebrows scrunched up slightly, āIād rather worry with you, than worry for you.ā
You werenāt sure what you had done to deserve someone like Taerae. Smiling you leaned into his side, resting your head into the crook of his neck, āAlright, Iām sorry.ā
He kissed the top of your head as a response, triggering the warm and fuzzy feeling once again.
āHey,ā you whispered against his body, āI love you.ā
Taerae hugged you tighter, engulfing you in all his warmth; the rain so loud against the window, the wind so strong, the building howled its tune, his words so soft they warmed you up from inside, āAnd I love you.ā
4. so letās love
Being in love was harder than you could have ever imagined. It was also simply more than what you could have ever thought it would be. It was more difficult, more intense, more complicated. But the more you felt it, the deeper, the stronger your feelings got for Taerae the more aware you got of your need for him.
Everything Taerae felt with you was new to him as well. In the past, Taerae had never had a problem figuring out how he felt, and he surely didnāt have any problems expressing his emotions. For Taerae, music had always been the easiest, most natural way to communicate. It was what brought him the most precious things in life: a purpose and you. But lately, it was difficult for him to encompass his love for you through actions or music. And he had a feeling he would struggle his entire life to put this into words.
*
The leaves had long turned brown, the weather had long switched from sunshine to frost, and Taerae had once more found his way home from a long day of classes, and an even longer week of not seeing you. Lately, he had felt something shift between the two of you, and he felt difficulty to raise the issue, to talk it out. He even felt difficulty to play it out, to sing it out, to just let his frustrations flow.
Of course, Taerae knew that couples fought. He knew it was normal for lovers to throw hurtful things at each otherās heads from time to time. He could list more than 10 songs that captured this exact feeling of defeat, when one hurts the person, they love the most. It was his hyperawareness of this fact, that made it all the more difficult to ignore the fact that you just did not fight.
It was not like the two of you would not have reason for conflict, but it always seemed like whenever the two of you were close to fighting, you shut down. Your passiveness got a hold of you, and you logged out of Taeraeās life until you were ready to forget about the reason you would have fought anyway. Whether or not you reflected and decided it wasnāt as big as a deal as it seemed at first, or if you just ignored the hurt, Taerae didnāt know.
What he did know however was, that this could not be healthy. Neither for you, nor for him. He refused to lose the love of his life over something such as the lack of fighting. All Taerae wanted was to love you. He wanted all that there is to a relationship, the love, the fights, the forgiving. He didnāt need perfect; he didnāt want perfect.
He was sure of his feelings for you, he had been for the longest time. Maybe he did love you more than you did him, but that didnāt even matter to Taerae. He was just worried, heād lose you. He was so confident in his own love, he became insecure of yours.
So, on this day, on his way home from university, on his way to you, he thought about how maybe, he just wasnāt worth enough for you to fight with him. Maybe it wasnāt that you didnāt like to fight, maybe it was that he just wasnāt worth fighting with. And for the first time, these kinds of Taeraeās feelings made sense.
*
From the beginning of your relationship, you had been determined to give Taerae your whole heart. You wanted nothing more than to love the sweet boy to your heartās full capacity. And the more you got to know him, the more your heartās ability to do so grew. And with that your fear of losing him.
In your entire life, you had not really fought with anybody, ever. Of course, there had been disagreements and discussions, but most of the time you hadnāt deemed the topics worth fighting over. You had also had relationships before, none as serious as the one with Taerae, and they mostly ended amicably. Definitely nothing like any Olivia Rodrigo song. You intended to keep the number of break-ups you had had the same, although you knew realistically, the number of fights had to go up at some point, but thus far even disagreements with Taerae hadnāt proven annoying enough to fight over. All you wanted to do is love him.
You didnāt want to fight with him, or to worry him, or to hurt him. You just wanted to love Taerae.
So, on the day the temperatures had dropped as well as all the leaves, and Taerae used the spare keys you had given him to let himself into your apartment, to cook together, the last thing you had expected was to fight.
One look, out of the window and you saw the blanket of grey and white that threatened (or promised) to spill the first snow of the season. You had been waiting for Taerae to come home for some time now and had been working on some university assignments until the all too familiar jingle of keys announced his arrival. The first thing you heard right after the sound of the soft thump Taeraeās guitar case made when he set it down, was a sigh. And only then did you realize just how stressful the past month had been for the both of you. You and Taerae were both drowning in assignments and projects and that meant you spent the majority of your time in the library, as he did in the studio. It had been hard for you with work and university to find time to just be together, especially with a lot occupying both of your minds.
Communicating had never been your forte and you found it even harder to discuss your worries when the time you had together was so scarce. Taerae had been good at voicing his feelings and telling you when he was stressed but in the past days, he seemed a little closed off as well, so this sigh seemed to be a giveaway.
Still, worries aside a soft smile rested on your lips as he entered the kitchen, the table currently occupied by books and sheets of paper, your own little chaos ruling over the space.
āLooks intense,ā Taerae chuckled as he made his way to you.
āItās even worse than this looks in here,ā you motioned with your finger to your head as you closed your laptop shut, standing up to hug your boyfriend hello.
Taerae kissed your cheek, taking in your scent. He noticed the hints of coffee scent in your hair, an indicator that you had worked the morning shift. He didnāt know you had worked today. You used to share your work schedule with him at the beginning of the week. Taerae knew you werenāt obligated to share your schedule with him, he wasnāt possessive like that, but just stopping to do so, irked him in some kind of way.
āYou okay?ā you asked as Taerae was staring off into space, and you grabbed a bottle of water.
āYeah,ā one look at you and he knew you didnāt believe a single word he just said, āitās just the usual. Creative pressure and such.ā
You cocked your head, the way you always did when processing things, thinking of what to say, āYou sure thatās the only reason? You kind of seem a little off the past few days.ā
He knew you didnāt mean it like an accusation. He knew that doing this, fighting, on grounds of you asking if there was anything else wrong was ridiculous. But Taerae also supposed it was as good a reason as any. Still, he didnāt mean the words to come out quite as harsh as they did.
āYeah? You mean like how you donāt even tell me when you work these days anymore? Or what assignments youāre working on? Who youāre working on them with?ā
One look and Taerae realized you were clearly taken aback by what he had said. Or how he had said it.
āIām- Iām sorry, I didnāt realize you had to approve my schedule. I donāt mean to keep it secret Taerae, but Iām not talking about schedules or shifts, or even university. Somethingās clearly bothering you.ā Your brows were scrunched up and arms crossed.
Taerae scoffed silently, āWhyā¦ā he tried to gather the words in his head, to make them seem a little less ridiculous than they were, āWhy wonāt you fight with me?ā
āHuh?ā now you were taken aback. āWhy wonāt I fight with you? Maybe because thereās nothing to fight about?ā
āOh, come on, Y/N. I know you get annoyed when I stay in the studio for too long and donāt text you when I know youāre waiting for dinner plans or something. And I - I get annoyed when you just brush things off, but you always apologize even if thereās nothing to apologize for. Sometimesā Sometimes I just want to be annoyed with you and you should be annoyed with me as well for being annoyed.ā
You frowned, what he said was true, even if you werenāt sure he was making sense 100%. In any case, these things just seemed inconsequential. Whenever stuff like that occurred you had been more worried than annoyed, sad maybe, but definitely not mad.
āWhat do you mean? I just donāt think these things are worth fighting over.ā
Taerae closed his eyes, in the way he did when he couldnāt get the right chord combination, in the way he did to coordinate his thoughts, in the way he did just before letting go of a frustrated breath.
āSee? This is what I mean. I just- It just feels like that to you Iām not worth fighting with.ā
Now there was hurt on your face. Taerae didnāt mean to twist your words but it just, that is what it sounded like to him. This is what it felt like to him.
āI- Thatās not what I said at all, Taerae,ā Your tone had also changed. It was more straight forward, more matter-of-factly. Yet your eyes seemed desperate to just clarify this situation, so, you searched in his for some sort of doubt of his last statement, āYou know that thatās not true, right?ā
āI donāt know! It seems like it if Iām being honest,ā his voice was just below a shout. Although it definitely didnāt seem angry, it was just as desperate as the look in your eyes. He tried to understand you, the way you tried to understand him, āIt feels like whatever I do, whether itās good or bad it doesnāt matter.ā
āWhat? Of course, it matters. Taerae, you matter, so much!ā You tried to hold the eye contact, but your emotions seemed to overflow, making it impossible to think and talk, but you tried anyways, āI am sorry, and donāt get me wrong, this is not me not wanting to fight right now, Iām just trying to understand- to make you understand; Never has anything you did not affected me. Be it negative or positive. I know weāve talked about it but- you know Iām still learning, right? I just- I donāt want my feelings to be a bother to you. I donāt want me to be a reason for you to not do something. I just- I simply want to be a support for you. I donāt want you to have to worry about me and my feelings too, because I just- I so confidently want you. I just want to love you, Taerae.ā
He looked at you, and you looked at him as you continued.
āNever did I mean to hurt you by not fighting with you. If you want to fight then okay, letās fight. Letās scream at each other and hurt each other, but I just- I just want to be able to love you through it all.ā
You didnāt realize you had started to cry. And Taerae hadnāt realized how much it would hurt to see you cry. So, all he did was pull you close and engulf you in a hug.
āOkay. Iām sorry, too.ā He was afraid of letting you go, as the thoughts raced through his head, as he tried to turn back time. He cursed himself for not realizing how much it sucked to fight. How much it sucked to hurt the person you love the most. āOkay, letās love, okay?ā
So, when the first snow began to fall, as it covered the rooftops and bare trees like sugar did pancakes, and a peacefulness settled after the first fight, you and Taerae decided to love each other, but also fight with each other, and cry and laugh with each other, and hurt and forgive each other. The both of you just prayed that you wouldnāt lose each other. Ā
5. i loved you
An unexpectedly cold spring night put you in an incredibly uncomfortable position.
One would think that at the end of April the temperatures would somewhat rise above 10 degrees, but to your disappointment, they had even dropped below zero. You didnāt know what had come over the city to still be as freezing as it was, but you couldnāt help but think it was your heart that had conjured up the unexpected mid-spring-ice-age.
Cursing at your own messiness, you at first didnāt notice that the sweater you had pulled out, was in fact, not one of your own. You had even been so distracted by the mess that was now on your bedroom floor, that you pulled the sweater over your still with sleepiness marked head, and diligently threw the stray items into the closet, shutting the door before they could fall out once again.
Only when you caught a glimpse of your own reflection, did you realize what you had just slipped onto your body. Comforted by the familiarity of the striped sweater, but startled by the memories it brought back. The scent of its owner still hung heavy in its fibre. You stopped to look at yourself in such a familiar, yet strange item of clothing.
If anyone had told you two months ago that itād feel strange to wear Taeraeās hoodie in April you would have thought it would have been because of the warm weather, and not because Taerae had broken up with you just a couple of weeks before.
You were well aware that you had had a life before Taerae. You just didnāt know you would have one after Taerae. In all honesty, you had hoped you wouldnāt have.
The most tragic part was, Taerae just hadnāt given you the closure one would need after getting broken up with by the love of their lives. He hadnāt really given you any explanation at all. Nothing more than a lot off bullshit, and a just-because. It was easy for most people in your life to go from loving to hating him, but even with the lack of sympathy for your situation, you found it difficult.
You had tried to hate him, you had tried to resent him even, but nothing had proven effective enough to erase your love for him. Taerae had been engraved into your bones. And now he expected you to just move on?
*
In hindsight, you should have seen it coming. At least thatās what you told yourself, thatās what you told your friends who were asking why the two of you broke up. Coming up with more than absurd reason of why you should have known, when in reality you simply couldnāt have. Because even in hindsight, you never could have seen it coming.
So, on the evening of, when Taerae had told you things werenāt working for him anymore, his face straight and not showing any emotion, not showing his signature smile, or even a tear; On the evening of, when you had begged Taerae to just tell you what you had to change, what it was you had done wrong and that you would fix them, if only heād stay; On the evening of, when even after you had cried and shouted, he just took his guitar case and left; On the evening of the break up, you hadnāt gotten an answer. And neither had you in the two weeks since.
In fact, you had not seen Taerae at all. Or heard from him, not even through friends or social media. You wondered if he was okay, if he really was as unbothered as he had seemed, even though it was unnatural for him to act the way he did. You had always deemed Taerae a gentle person, but the way he ended things, was just so unlike him. So, he had to be not okay as well, right?
The lack of answers made you do something you had never had to do before, which was speculate and wonder. Taerae had always worn his heart on his sleeve and expressed himself so diligently most of the time, if not through words, surely, he would have done so through music. So, speculating about how he must feel now, was something you had never had to do. But now you caught yourself wondering all the time. You wondered how many things he thought about before the thought of you popped into his head. You speculated what the songs he was composing these days sounded like. Were they about you?
Either way, there was no hiding from him. Not for you, not just yet.
Still, the hurt you had felt the first few days was overwhelming, you couldnāt eat or sleep or do anything much other than run on autopilot. It had become so bad, that some of the regular customers noticed. It was almost like all life had been sucked out of you, and in a sense it had been; A possible future life had been taken from you. A future you had hoped for ever since you had met Taerae. A future you now grieved.
So, now looking at yourself in the mirror, the striped sweater hanging from your body, keeping it warm, felt like a glimpse of what if. A glimpse of Taerae. A glimpse of the person you had been when you were with him. A person you could have been, but never would.
For a second you wondered again, Taerae well established in your mind. But in the end, it didnāt matter. There was no use wondering and retracing everything you did during the last few days of your relationship. There was no use, because you did everything you said you would: You had loved Taerae, you loved him still, with your heartās full capacity. Over the months you had fought and made up and hurt each other and forgiven the hurt. But now none of it mattered, so you might as well try and forget, instead of dwell and grieve.
So, with a swift motion you stripped the sweater off your body, exposing yourself once more to cold of the spring morning that had even seeped through the walls of your apartment. The frost making itself known in the form of icy crystals on your window. You didnāt look for another sweater, you wanted to feel the cold.
You werenāt sure what you had done wrong. But still, you knew more than you didnāt. You knew there was nothing you could do. You knew you would hurt for some time still. You knew you would see Taerae in buskers, guitars, and iced tea. You knew you would hear him in Hi-Hellos and the jingle of keys. You knew you loved him, and you knew itād be a long time before you stopped.
So, for now youād try to forget.
6. you were beautiful
There was a hum in the air, a melody that made its way through the busy streets of the city. The warm weather had finally decided to stay, and it stuck to the cement like chewing gum, barely cooling down overnight.
Taerae had kept himself busy over the past month, not really wanting to slow down, but with graduation coming up, also not really being able to do so. For him there had barely been any time to just stroll around, or go to cafes with his friends, or to simply just think; These days Taerae still didnāt really knew how to function normally, how to function like he did before you. Of course, he still had to perform, write, and produce music for university, but he rarely went out to busk or did these things for joy like he used to. It was something outsiders could have never noticed; How Taerae did everything but nothing at the same time. Only the people close to him, could tell something was up. They knew of the break-up of course, but they could only guess why exactly it happened in the first place.
Walking around in the area by his apartment was one of the only times Taerae consciously searched for some down time, to sort out at least some of his thoughts. Of course, he was cautious not to stray too close to your workplace, more for his own sake than yours. As of now, Taerae wasnāt sure how his heart would react if he was to come face to face with you unexpectedly. Ever since he had decided to break it off with you, he had barely fathomed to hold a single thought about you. He simply couldnāt conjure up enough courage to deal with his own heart break. So, up until now, pushing everything away would have had to do the trick.
He wasnāt sure what exactly had ticked off his thought process to recall the day of the professor-student conversation. Maybe it was the undeniable sense of Deja-vu he felt when he spotted a young busker, surrounded by only a small group of people, who were all listening carefully to the boyās song. Maybe it was the girl listening, who from the back looked exactly like the one he loved. It could have been either of these two or another altogether, but in any case, Taerae knew, that maybe it was time to face this inevitable heart ache, even if just for the duration of this walk.
*
At the beginning of each semester, music and music production majors are required to sit down with one of their supervising professors, to discuss projects for the upcoming term. Most of these conversations were easy going, and the projects subject to change, but the conversation at the start of the second semester senior year was one equally feared and anticipated.
The senior project for music and music production majors was basically the making of an entire album, with full creative freedom. Taerae had been more than excited to get started on it, in fact, he had been so eager that the songs for his album were ready for recording as soon as his supervising professor approved of them.
So, yes, Taerae was a tad bit nervous entering the professorās office. But he was generally well-liked and so were his songs, so he was sure this meeting would go over smoothly, and he would have to do nothing more than to put in a reservation to one of the student recording studios and was good to go.
And that was the case, partly.
Everything was going well; the professor praised his compositions and skills as a lyricist. The way he had described Taerae as someone to get across any type of feeling, made Taeraeās chest swell with pride. It wasnāt until the last few minutes of the meeting, when Taerae was supposed to thank the professor in front of him and get straight to work, that everything was pushed out of his rightful trajectory.
Taerae was about to get up out of the chair he had been sitting in somewhat tensely, when the professor said something, that in hindsight, put as many things into perspective as it pushed out of it. At least for Taerae.
āThis girl must be quite the experience for you as a song writer.ā
āExcuse me?ā Taerae had said then, distraught, and genuinely confused.
The professor had then proceeded to explain how certain people, certain experiences, determined the colours of the artists in any art form. And that you, were certainly one of these experiences that would influence Taerae a great deal, even once the next experience would come into his life.
Looking back now, Taerae wasnāt sure why he had taken what his professor said so to heart. He definitely didnāt think of you as an experience. He didnāt think of you as something temporary at all. He didnāt think that there was any more evolving for him to be done, Taerae would have been good writing songs about you for the rest of his life.
But was this how the world perceived you? As an experience? Did he, through his songs somehow reduce you to something less than what you were, something temporary, something to live through and then move on?
From this point on Taerae couldnāt help but spiral in his self-doubt. Doubt for his love for you, and doubt for his skill of song writing. Thinking back on statements his friends had made, like how they would also write songs as good as Taeraeās if they had a Y/N in their lives, only confirmed his insecurities in his own love for you. Taerae somehow had gotten way into his head about it.
In Taeraeās mind it wasnāt fair to you. It wasnāt fair to make you an experience in his life. It wasnāt fair, when all you did was give, when you read his every thought and tried so hard to be better and learned with the mistakes you made, learned to love Taerae even more.
Taerae remembered that you had said you wanted nothing more than to love Taerae for the rest of your life, that he was your person. And all Taerae had done was make you an experience.
*
Lost in thought, a sigh heavy on his lips, Taerae hadnāt noticed the young woman listening to the busker turn around. She hadnāt yet looked at him, instead she was gushing about the music to the friend who had just joined her. Had the other joined the young woman any earlier, Taerae would have known in an instant that it was in fact you: the pink hair of your best friend and co-worker a dead giveaway. The two of you a duo Taerae found difficulty in separating, even during the days of you dating.
Chaehyun was whispering something in your ear, which made you laugh a little louder than you had anticipated, a hand coming to cover your mouth as you snickered in slight embarrassment. More than once had Taerae witnessed an interaction similar to this one, and looking at you now, made his heart ache with longing.
But he understood that that was something he wouldnāt be able to see again. He knew that he couldnāt really love you the way you deserved to be loved, so he wouldnāt try.
In the past, Taerae had always felt he was good at expressing himself. You had always promised him to get better at things, to learn the love Taerae needed. Without missing a day, you had told him you loved him. Sometimes first thing in the morning, sometimes it was the last thing he heard when he fell asleep. You had always thought of Taerae first, he had been the most important thing in your life, and Taerae had been well aware of this fact, you had told him more than once. Yet you still didnāt put pressure on the young man, you waited patiently on him in every sense. Maybe Taerae hadnāt been so good at expressing his feelings, maybe you had been the one very aware of your own feelings along. Ā
Watching you from afar, he wondered if you thought of him as much as he did of you. He wondered if everything the two of you had been, was something of the past to you, or if everything, if he, was still present in your life, if he still was something you had to consider, even if it was just to avoid him successfully.
*
The warm wind grazed over you, as it did Taerae, sending your hair flying in its direction. Your head turned towards the young man standing more than a few metres away from you, gaze fixed upon you. It took you some time to remember to not stretch out your arm and wave at him in greeting. It took you even longer to remember not to make your way towards the boy to greet him with a soft kiss on the cheek.
It also took some time for Taerae to not expect any of this from happening; looking at you now, you were a stranger he still loved.
But looking at him now, you realized he was a stranger you once loved. And thus, a small smile made its way onto your face as you turned away, interlocking your arms with your friend, and walking off into the direction of your workplace.
*
To Taerae it had always been interesting how people forgot, once it was over, once it was done. But Taerae would never forget what it was like to love you. He would never forget what it was like to be loved by you. How it was beautiful, how you were beautiful. Taerae would aways remember, he could simply never forget. Maybe someday, he would be fortunate enough to remind you again.
yay!! you made it to the end!! i hope that you were able to enjoy it despite the somewhat sad ending!! thank you again for reading and iād love to hear your thoughts on it!! love youuuu
this piece was written by @yourstruleejn so please donāt post on any other platforms or translate into any other languages! thank u !!!
i am obsessed with intak. i donāt know anything about this man except he is sexy. i also donāt need to know anything abt him bc i know he is sexy and that is enough.
i just wrote the longest fan letter to phanbin but i think iām too embarrassed to actually send it ššš it was good to get everything off my chest tho. i cried.
andulkaphoto
blakekathryn
prguitarman
turnnoffyourmind
yousharknotpass
jacobvanloon
dailybridgerton
ellievsbear
pixelskylines
