the worst love song you've ever heard

shit that I like. aro dean qpr destiel truther. they/she

[littlestoneinspace]

Ryan is his baby too ❤️

[magneticghouls]

naim reid and the concept of darkness. sleeping in the dark. can i ramble for a second.

maybe naim had a nightlight as a kid, before bandee, before his dad died. maybe he had some friends over for a sleepover once and they laugh, "what kind of a pussy still has a night light?" and his cries come after they leave in the morning, silent tears tracking down his face when he rips it out of the wall and tosses it in the garbage. maybe his dad tells him he didnt have to do that, no shame in it. but his mom calls him brave and kisses him on the top of his head. so when he goes to sleep that night, it's hard and he's restless but he's being brave he tells himself. so, eventually, he learns to be okay with falling sleep in the dark.

after his dad dies, it's hard again. maybe it's not the dark so much, but the silence, the void, the gape in the night that leaves him empty and raw. it's the same silence that his mom was finding comfort in and it is choking him out. so he wakes up in the middle of the night, flicks on the bathroom light down the hall in the early hours of the morning just to get some sleep. it's always turned off by his mum come morning.

he looks for comfort, and the light is turned off. he looks for comfort sleeping by his mother when the entity haunts his dreams, and he's told to get his stuff out of her room.

naim who thinks he's going to die in that mill like hunter had in the servo parking lot, ryan's shadow-etched face above him and coming in for the kill. except it's the orange glow of a lighter's flame that saves him. a guiding light out of this fucking thing.

the first hotel him and ryan get together, they're get ready for bed and ryan hovers by the bathroom door after having showered with the door open. he looks unsure, naim can tell wants to ask something. "what is it?" naim prods. ryan doesn't look up when he says, "do you think we could keep the light on?" and it's like one long sigh of relief. naim doesn't mind sleeping in the dark if he has to, but it's easier if there's someone to turn on the light.

[magneticghouls]

never going back!

[lovelessloverboy-dean]

So much of the optimism and fantasy of leviticus's ending is just in the beauty and peace of being scared together. They both spend the whole movie scared-naim of the way that he is and the way he feels, something he felt long before ryan and admits gets worse after they meet. Ryan of being alone in what they have, of naim not feeling the same way he does or wanting the same things. But they don't really acknowledge it to each other. And the entity preys on them both by creating versions of them that aren't scared (not-ryan telling naim through the door that he was never scared of them, not-naim telling ryan he didn't care if people saw and taking him to the roller rink). When i imagine them postcanon it's just them getting to be scared openly and with someone equally scared holding their hand

[lovelessloverboy-dean]

Thinking about this again (read: still) and like. The fantasy of being terrified with someone else. Of leaving your shitty town and parents with someone who sees you and loves you and so together you have something to run to. So many people watching the movie are jessica--same demons same fear and betrayal, but surviving it on her own. Running to nowhere, keeping herself alive through fear and paranoia. But the ending of leviticus says what if you did the brave thing and left everything you've ever known...and there was someone on the other side to hold your hand? Someone equally scared but ready to be that way with you?

[lovelessloverboy-dean]

Naim's thoughts about ryan trying to go to sleep the night ryan finds out naim outed him and hunter...like the opposite of a dead wife montage. Ryan's face contorted in anger, ryan tightening his shoulders to throw a rock, ryan shoving naim like he can't bear the thought of being touched by him (memory or fear?), ryan kissing hunter like he's trying to kill him, ryan looking at him in the hallway after the bathroom like his heart is breaking. All while he's twirling the ring ryan gave him

And then the ryan/entity that jumps up behind him has a disfigured and bloodied right ear, just like real ryan after the bathroom. We've never seen the entity like that. It's such a specific injury and it just happened to RYAN. the boy naim betrayed after he saw him angry and brutal in a way naim hadn't imagined before. And now he's playing this highlight reel of Ryan's anger and violence intercut with them kissing on the bus. Before he wakes up scared enough to sleep on his mum's floor.

Can we talk about naim reid and the intersection between love and violence??

[lovelessloverboy-dean]

The tarp in the second mill scene kills me. I bet you ryan laid that out. He brought weed and laid out a tarp for them to lay on in an abandoned mill and thought to himself yes, this the perfect date. This will impress naim, I did it

[lovelessloverboy-dean]

Ugh rewatching that first walk home with their bikes seeing "don't tell anyone. about the mill" as ryan WARNING naim instead of being scared for himself?? Naim's soft "i won't" as reassurance that ryan needs to hear because he knows this town and he knows who he is and what it means for him?? So much more heartbreaking

[lovelessloverboy-dean]

Saw a post (sorry cannot find it now this is weeks ago) saying something about ryan in the scene outside the church thinking for a second that when naim said what he did about the bus they took to the hospital going to the city that he was suggesting they leave together. And then Naim going on to say he would go and ryan realizing he had a moment of hope for nothing.

And I just keep thinking about that. Because on the face of it, it makes sense and it's absolutely devastating. Ryan thinking naim wanted to run away and deal with this thing together? And then realizing no, of course, naim isn't that brave, wouldn't imagine a future with him. But that would be another world, because I don't think ryan would think that. I think he walked outside the church prepared to get his heart broken. The way he tenses immediately? The way he does his ryan whelan scrunch my nose tense my jaw don't let the tears fall and I'm not crying thing?

The last time he saw naim, that we know of, was outside of that bathroom. Our last glimpse of ryan was that fucking FACE he makes that's part anger and part hurt and part fear when he realizes naim was there. Naim watched him go into that bathroom and didn't follow him and stood there while he was hurt and bleeding on the floor. (I wonder if he thought back to meeting naim's eyes while he was convulsing during the ritual and watching naim turn and walk away.) He had to go to another hospital and sit under the bright lights and get his ear reattached and come up with something other than the truth to tell his parents. So he knows that naim isn't brave. That they aren't on the same page just because he sees naim and naim sees him. Ryan isn't naive about where naim is in all of this. He steps outside knowing who naim is and what's probably going to happen.

And then he still comes back and says what he does about wanting it to look like naim! Knowing everything he does, being as tired and frustrated and disappointed as he is about the bathroom and naim wanting to leave. He still says his piece because he KNOWS this could be something and he needs naim to at least look at him before he walks away

[mike-weezer-apologist]

Leviticus edit to Nonbeliever by Lucy Dacus

Thinking specifically about arlene telling naim “one day you’ll believe in something you cannot see” only for her to be the one that doesn’t believe naim later on, when she says she needs him to “show her” the entity that’s causing him harm for her to believe it’s real

Likely because, like naim said, she doesn’t want to face anything that’s real

[sapphicides]

jackienat + fuck me eyes by ethel cain

[cafevivi]

underrated naim reid-ism is how fucking impulsive he can be! he is inquisitive to a fault! love the scene where he's asking hunter about ryan— he's awkward, yeah, but he's not shrinking into his clothing! he's standing there and asking him! what about ryan? did it work on him? and because the costuming in the movie is clearly very intentional, i'd like to note that naim isn't bogged down in layers of ill-fitting jackets. in asking hunter, pressing him, he's unintentionally laying a bit of his soul bare, i think.

or when he's talking to jessica outside the hospital. he hesitates for a moment but then dives right in, do you think marnie saw you? when she died? obviously he's desperate and scared and looking for answers, but that doesn't stop him from asking quite literally the Worst Possible Invasive Question to ask!

or when he's in the mill w/ ryan and starts fights he knows he can't win! it's soooo good and i wish more fanworks capitalized on his tendency to ask invasive questions without a second thought in the heat of the moment. so much naim reid characterization online is making him timid and weary— which he can be, but ignoring his rudeness is doing him a disservice. ack!!

+ i think it further highlights the difference between how ryan and naim handle the entity and by extension their identities. ryan doesn't push jessica, doesn't push anyone because at the end of the day, despite how tired he may be, he knows who he is and what life has in store for people like him. meanwhile naim questions and reaches for help, stumbling through conversations about the entity and what it does to people because he hasn't fully accepted himself either. ugh

[miamignonette]

is it ok to want love? or should i be stoned

[lovelessloverboy-dean]

Truly do it weird do it scared do it alone, I went to a concert by myself in a new city, bumped into a girl and started chatting because we were both lost, and we are both in the middle of the same book and have the same favorite book (which she has a tattoo of that I am totally stealing)

[cafevivi]

love love love the idea of ryan letting naim draw on him ... birds, plants, etc etc! naim holds him still and he ends up with something reminiscent of a tattoo— were it not done by a faded felt-tipped marker.

they don't have the fortune to pursue their passions, and naim would never thrive as an artist without some serious self reflection, an ego boost, and motivation that lasts for more than a week at a time. but ryan's happy to have a little piece of him until it washes off in the shower. happy to brag that he knows the artist!

[movietonight]

I'm normal about Buffy Summers (lying)

[lovelessloverboy-dean]

who let me write in ryan whelan pov

[hystericalend]

thinking abt the wording of naim's "you shouldn't be near me. i shouldn't be near you either" break up attempt outside the church and how when ryan responds with a short, bitten-back "right." he can't quite keep the bitterness out of his voice. he understands why naim is scared, the cloying metallic scent of hot blood pouring down his neck is hard to forget; the throb of fresh stitches threaded across his ear a physical reminder. but the way naim says it strikes a nerve. shouldn't. should not. he sounds just like ryan's parents, like the pastor and the church and the boys at school. you shouldn't be near me, naim says. like he believes the entity is a rightful consequence for continuing to be together. ryan is hurt naim is trying to end things, but more than that he's frustrated by how readily naim submits to the fear. bc it's not i'm scared and i hurt you and im sorry, but the heavy judgement of shouldn't. naim reveals through this choice of words how shackled he is by his internalised homophobia and how naive he remains about their reality. he swallows the religious lie that what they "should" do is be apart, and their compliance will mean deliverence .

yet ryan knows better. he's scared too, but more than that he's fucking tired. he likes naim, likes him with an urgency and wholeness he's never felt before. but he was raised here, been in bandee seventeen years to naim's few months, and he understands what it means to be who they are. he acted on his queerness with hunter rather than entirely repress it, and had it made a spectacle in front of the church, enduring the hits and jeers and disapproving looks that followed. because it was a long time coming, wasn't it? naim thinks that by burying it deep, capitulating to the church and conforming, they will be safe. but when ryan reflects on the suffocating masculine pretense he put on everyday along with his uniform jacket and shirt, he realises that throwing the punches was never better than taking them. repression and conformity doesn't guarantee safety. they cannot change who they are and who they desire; the thing haunting them will simply change its face.

so: "right." he says, hands in his pockets, biting the inside of his cheek so he doesn't cry or yell or both. he almost leaves it there, turning away and walking back inside, but as soon as naim is out of sight ryan realises he can't bear to let him go. naim is naive, he's skittish, has proven to ryan again and again that fear wins out over whatever it is they share, but ryan loves him. so he rejects his petty knee-jerk "fuck you then" and swallows his pride. I don't want it to look like some other dickhead, he tells him, shoulders braced and voice tight, his entire body fighting against the vulnerability as if it were self-injury. I want it to look like you. it's a confession yeah, but also a plea. you can't hide from this naim. you can't run from yourself forever. you won't ever stop being afraid. but i can live with it if it's you. i want the thing that haunts me to wear your face, because it's the truest way for me to live.