the worst love song you've ever heard

shit that I like. aro dean qpr destiel truther. they/she

[clytemnestraaa]

one of my creative writing professors once said that to evaluate a work as good or not, first you ask what the work is attempting to do, and then you evaluate how well it does it. and this is how to judge everything from critical essays to romance novels to snack packaging to theory tracts.

[lovelessloverboy-dean]

I don't know who my audience is for this but if anyone in the leviticus fandom has read the dean winchester beat sheet...something about the scene where dean is realizing that he's going to have to come out again and again. That being queer means a lifetime of correcting people's assumptions about you and surprising people and asserting your existance when it's ignored or erased and having to read every room to determine how safe it is to be yourself. That figuring it out and telling your friends and family is just the start because there will always be new people, dear to you or just there for a moment, who you need to come out to a million different ways. And it's exhausting and terrifying. But also kind of exciting? I was just thinking about that in the context of leviticus and the entity and I feel like there's something there

[no-resolution]

[magneticghouls]

accesory loving ryan whelan real and true to mee

[magneticghouls]

accesory loving ryan whelan real and true to mee

[circusheart]

If I keep practicing I might even be a person soon

[castanhadecajuu]

Ok so I’ve watched Leviticus yesterday for the first time and idk if this makes any sense but I thought a lot about the ending, about how during the last scene when we see ryan and naim on the bus we see entity ryan standing outside. Naim looks at the entity and then at real ryan and then leans on him, closing his eyes, looking at peace, like he is quietly accepting whatever comes next. And it got me thinking, what does come next? Because I refuse to believe that they are doomed to live their lives in misery and fear now, I know that what has been done cannot be undone but I also believe that it can be made less severe, less horrible over time.

I love the idea of the entities in leviticus slowly looking more and more like an outdated version of ryan and naim, like their scared teenage selves they left behind that don’t resemble their adult selves. Like the more they live a happy life, the more they love and support one another, the harder it gets for the entity to be able to emulate them as they currently are. That’s how I feel when I look at pictures of myself in high school, my eyes look so sad and lonely, I was so desperate for friends, for confirmation that I wasn’t unloveable. My eyes look completely different now in pictures, I have a queer circle of friends, I look happy. I think that would be a natural and logical progression of how the entities slowly lose power. I believe the reason jessica lived such a miserable life after her girlfriend died is because she is alone, because she is isolated and doesn’t have anyone she can lean on, because she is absolutely consumed by fear and horror. The entity targets you when you’re alone because in isolation, without support you’re the most vulnerable, the most desperate for contact, the most likely to want to believe the entity is real even if logic dictates otherwise. So, my conclusion is, living in isolation without allowing yourself to love freely actually makes the entity more powerful, whereas having someone by your side, learning to love yourself, your queerness, finding your footing in the world and community with other queer people makes it much less likely to be able to trick you and harm you.

At some point naim will look outside his window in the morning and see entity ryan trying to get him to come outside, but it’s like a faded photograph of his boyfriend, a sad, lonely version of ryan that never found love, never got to live to adulthood, stuck in the state he was sentenced in to live in misery or else to die young by adults in his life who should’ve known better and cared for him instead. And naim’s heart aches for that mirage outside, but he knows that’s not his ryan, he knows it has no power over him anymore, it cannot entice him anymore, because the reality of their current relationship is much better than the fantasy back then ever was

[lighterflick]

notice how ryan’s entity had been cornering him at his own house before it drove him away to public spaces like skater rink. the juxtaposition of his entity coming to his place vs hunter’s entity cornering him at work after hours could be an interesting insight into ryan’s domestic situation. or, more accurately, domestic violence his entity could represent by always meeting him there.

hunter has a safety net of loving, if religious and misguided, parents; he’s close to his sister to the point he could open up to her about seeing the entity; he is avenged in his death by said sister and her boyfriend, his team mate macca, who ambush ryan and naim to make them pay for his murder. hunter was alone in his sexuality, but he wasn’t alone in all other aspects of his life—unlike ryan, whose family we know nothing of, whose friends (or lack thereof) we don’t see even though ryan is our main character.

speaking of places again, hunter works at a gas station: it’s impersonal; it’s a workplace, not a place of comfort—but a house, a home usually represents exactly it: comfort and safety. so here, having the entity come by ryan’s house is a nod to domestic violence in a way that suggest he’s either always alone there, or he feels as if he’s alone there. the entity beats him up in a space that should’ve been his safe haven; he hides the resulting bruises the same way the victims of abuse do. his mother doesn’t know where the bruises come from, and logically we know it could’ve been his peers as much as his entity—but in different circumstances it also could’ve been his own father.

we know ryan is punished by his desires, and we know the entity at large represents homophobia—and since it does, why couldn’t it be homophobia found at home? ryan’s father is a gullible asshole as much as he’s a looming presence; he’s paterfamilias who decided his son must undergo an exorcism, a healing. we don’t see it, but we know that his father is the one who agrees to a public ritual and effectively deprives ryan of autonomy and freedom of choice. he takes the reigns and then does nothing when the consequences of his actions hit and his son is convulsing and throwing up on the floor. even if his father isn’t violent outright, or he doesn’t pose any real threat he’s still the initiator; and benign patriarchalism—“he’s my son ergo my responsibility ergo i have the power to fix him”—is still at fault.

whether to read the entity’s brutality finding ryan at home as domestic violence and a homophobic father beating up his son, the fact of abuse (emotional, verbal etc) still stands. because coercive control is not the only way abuse can manifest—silent treatment, bad decisions under a guise of help and unconditional belief that it’s in his right to change his son is as abusive as laying a hand on him.

in the end, both ryan’s and hunter’s fathers are patresfamilias, but whereas hunter’s is a loving one who can and does provide a safe, violence-free space for him, ryan’s is anything but.

[3rabbit]

daughter (non-practicing)

[3rabbit]

sister (deadbeat)

[lovelessloverboy-dean]

Naim reid who never asks ryan whelan for anything or initiates anything. Who looks at him across the classroom and hallways at school and gets nothing back and thinks, okay I'll just keep looking. Until ryan asks him to hang out and he...lets him. Is nervous because ryan hangs with a tougher crowd and is pushing him and teasing him but but when ryan heads towards the mill, naim lets him. When ryan wrestles on top of him and kisses him, naim lets him. When ryan starts walking his bike towards his house instead of riding off and leaving naim like he doesnt want the afternoon to end, naim lets him.

And when naim's high and ryan asks him about himself he gives a little, says a little too much, wonders if he was too much for ryan and ryan just figured the weird new kid at school was a good option for boys to kiss. But ryan whelan kisses him again and what can naim do but let him?

And naim sees ryan with hunter and of course ryan didn't like him of course ryan was lying about this terrifying first being something they shared of course wanting boys is sharp and painful and gets things thrown at you and naim wants nothing to do with it.

Until ryan is hurt and scared and then naim can go to him, then naim can ask if he's okay but he can't touch him. But ryan is ushering him into izzie's room and putting a hand on the small of his back at the hospital and kissing him on the bus and reaching for his belt and naim lets him!!!

And naim should go because this is his fault, because he wanted ryan and then he wanted to hurt ryan and protect ryan at once and now they're cursed and he needs to get away from ryan but ryan wants naim to stay and naim lets him ask, lets him hold naim there like naim is worth wanting and lets him guide them back into izzies car and the parking lot where ryan stops wanting things from him.

Naim wants ryan but knows that wanting things is bad. He knows not to ask people for things--he just lost his dad and his mum doesn't know how to be a mother anymore, why would he ask this boy for anything, especially after what he did?

But when naim crosses the street to the bus stop where ryan is standing at the end, he's asking for something. He's asking can I come with you? Can I keep you? Can I be someone worth forgiving? And when ryan looks at him like that and says "please tell me it's really you," he's saying yes, and maybe it's okay for naim to want things. To take the things that ryan is trying to give him and maybe even ask for more.

[ceruleanheaven]

brought nothing to the gun fight. whatever man

[lovelessloverboy-dean]

Thinking about naim and arlene's little banter standing next to each other at church, and naim smiling out of the car window after the second mill scene, and naim teasing ryan about ignoring him at school and it really hit me that we as an audience and ryan meet naim at a horrible and transitional period in his life.

Like we KNOW that he lost his dad but I think it's easy to view that as a context piece in why they moved to bandee or why arlene got more religious and forget how that fact alone would rest on a teenage boy's shoulders. Naim outside the mill after their first kiss smiling and laughing and animated, naim taking the piss out of his mum, it's easy to imagine that naim was more like that in his old town. That grief is a weight on him and the sad eyes and fumbling hands and quietness are a physical sign of what he's going through and the few times we see him smile and leave his head are him returning to himself

And we can't know!! Because we didn't meet him until after this horrible tragedy that ripped his world apart!! And so does ryan!! And that just feels so important to me, that ryan sees this lonely, grieving boy going through (so far) the worst imaginable thing and thinks...ive never seen him happy. Maybe i can joke and shove and tease my way into making him smile. Maybe he can set his grief down for a minute and ride his bike with me

[hystericalend]

one of the most devastating things to me about leviticus is how naim never stops reaching out for help from his mum after the ritual. even beyond the obvious of how she stayed in the car and turned a blind eye while he was dragged kicking and screaming to be violated by the healer inside his own home, she's also generally unkind to him. she harshly tells him to get his things out of her room when he's clearly terrified to be alone, leaves the house with a dismissive comment of "you'll have to make your own dinner" and has him coming home to a house empty and cold. when he tries to tell her the truth of what's happening to him, what's hurting him, she tells him that what he's so terrified of is all in his head, and leaves the issue there.

but naim keeps trying.

i think naim's persistence comes from his innocence. he naively believes others will provide safety and fix things if he asks them for help (the pastor, the police, the people in the store), and that applies to arlene as well. but naim is also just a mama's boy. his father is dead, and based on the way arlene had to move them all the way out to bandee to feel like she "belonged" it doesn't sound like they have any other family. arlene says early on that naim hasn't made any friends since they got here. aside from his mum (aside from ryan), naim is entirely alone.

"how young you reckon that mum was?" naim jokes after the service, the two of them standing away from everyone else. it takes a moment for her to soften, but arlene indulges his snipe at the church, whispering "probably twelve", and exchanging a conspiritorial grin with naim. this moment is a contest between us and them, and by joking with naim, arlene shows that she's willing to take a stab at the church to make her son smile. at this point, naim is still her priority. tho "psychtrance" doubles as showing us arlene isn't very attentive to naim's interests, it's also a continuation of the easy banter between them ("bet you thought that was funny."/"still do"). naim might have his frustrations abt his mother's religious fanaticism, but he's comfortable with her. they're close. he stands beside his mother at church bc he's too nervous to talk to anyone else. she is who he clings to when he's surrounded by unfamiliarity.

and when unfamiliarity becomes hostility, it's also arlene who he runs to.

he tries to tell her about the entity even when she's the one who caused him to have to fear it in the first place. he takes a blanket and pillow into her room and sleeps beside her on the floor like a little kid. when things with ryan have fallen apart and he sees the entity staring at him through the kitchen window, his first instinct is to call mum. though this is happening because of her, he can't believe that she won't eventually come to understand him. she's his mum. she brought him into this world, she fed him and clothed him and taught him most of everything he knows. she changed his sheets when he wet the bed, calmed him down from panic attacks, forgave him when he screamed and hit in the volatile grief-filled months of his father never coming home. she picked the olives off his pizza. nobody has sacrificed more for him. nobody loves him more.

so he tries again, believing that this time, this time she'll believe him. she'll say she's sorry for what she did and reassure him he's not alone. she'll pull him into her arms and wipe away his tears with both thumbs like he did when she was a little boy. like the little boy he still feels like whenever he's with her. he would let her, if she tried. he so desperately wants her to try.

but naim knows who he is now, and has come to accept that no one in bandee will help him because of it. so he admits it to her. "i've been here before with ryan" this is the first time naim has ever confirmed to his mother what they both already know, and it sets up another contest. her son or the church. us or them.

(and this time, arlene reid picks them.)

[frankenhookerz]

thinking about ryan whelan being silently enamored with naim in school. naim, with his big brown doe eyes and his quiet, huge fear. naim with his too-big clothes and his perpetual "i want to disappear into the wall" energy. because the thing is, ryan knows that fear, has known it all his life, and to see this boy so plainly uneasy like it doesn't occur to him to put on the same masculinity that ryan wears like armor is fascinating to him. that first time he sees naim in class, his eyes catch on the profile of his face and ryan feels that familiar rush of interest and its following anxiety, a warmth followed by sinking. later ryan watches naim fumble with his lock at the bike rack behind the school, all bitten-down nails and huffed sighs through the nose and feels terrifyingly curious.

fear is the same thing that keeps ryan from saying anything when he sees how boys, how hunter treats naim at school. he hears the word they always say and suppresses flinching anger, then its accompanying despair at the watery look in naim's eyes.

ryan's been scared his whole life, but he's gotten good at fear. he's accepted the truth of who he is, what that means for him. he's learned he doesn't need to be scared of leaving bandee because he knows he never will. the fear of wanting hunter, wanting to touch him and wanting something real from him, was far outweighed by that detached surrender the first time he saw bruises from the impact of rocks on his own body. he takes it, takes what he can get, takes hunters fear and anger as well as his lust because he doesn't think he deserves anything else, because that's the only way someone touches and wants him back.

he's been burned so many times, the fear is distant compared to the exhaustion, the hurt, the guilt. his desire is a curse, a gnarled secret he holds in his ribcage. (and later, when hunter dies and naim almost does too, "it's all my fault" whispered guiltily in the rising heat, that secret burns worse than it ever has.)

he asks naim to go to the mill because the waves of want are rising over the immovable, solidified structure of pain and guilt. fuck, but he's just so curious. and at first it's hard to shed that defensive masculine posturing, but at least shoving at naim means he gets to touch him. and then naim surprises him, really, not just by kissing him back but by giving ryan the delightful revelation that naim is gentle. naim doesn't hurt him, doesn't push him off or call him a fag or throw stones. naim is under him-- and then he pulls away, retreating back into fear, and ryan feels confusion and hurt in equal measure.

ryan, possessive as he is giving, wants to share this secret thing with naim. he wants to be affirmed in his feelings in a way he never is with hunter. tell me you feel it too. tell me i'm not making it up. tell me i haven't corrupted you with this.

and he hears the unsubtle yearning in his own voice, a thin veil of casualty over a begging to be affirmed in his feelings. that twist of anxious yearning in his mouth, "there's nothing you like about this place?" naim, crinkly-eyed smile blinding, looks holy.

"nothing." and in the tender press of their mouths, ryan prays for something real.

[cafevivi]

okay hi i have found myself increasingly attached to this post so here's some extended thoughts i've had about it ... being a lesbian and landscaping two things im actually qualified to talk about for once

— ryan would be sooooo fucking good at laying mulch this is so dumb i'm sorry but if you know you know. he is out there with that RAKE and he is KILLING it i can picture it so vividly

— anyways. his boss. i think the topic of ryan's sexuality would come up naturally in the flow of conversation at some point. i think ryan may have had his suspicions about his boss, maybe they're confirmed when he catches a glimpse of her phone wallpaper or something. on the other hand, i think his boss wouldn't be totally blindsided by the fact that ryan's queer, but she'd be decently surprised!

— i'd like to think he becomes her secret favorite employee after that, because beyond the fact that he's just a good worker, she cannot resist someone who's queer that's built themselves from nothing !!

— maybe it slips that making good, healthy meals are difficult for them— groceries are expensive, and they both work. so ryan's boss has her wife at home make a liiittle extra dinner to wordlessly slide ryan before he heads home for the day. sigh.

— i'd like to think it's incredibly validating for ryan to have someone that's genuinely interested in naim, and what they've been through and built. he's equally as willing to listen to his boss chat abt her wife while they're waiting in line for a flat of gravel.

— she wiiiilll let him pick up extra shifts when he's strapped for cash. if she sends him off early she pays him for the whole shift anyways. boss of the year

— picturing somewhere down the road where his boss invites ryanaim to dinner or drinks 👀 and u know they will nvr say no to free drinks or food. naim's stressed abt trying to be somewhat presentable and ryan's just like. she's seen me so fuckin gross and sweaty it Does Not Matter

— at the end of the day i think it's important + nice for ryanaim to have older queer people in their vicinity to not only look out for them, but foster community. yay.

[gnawu]

leviticus (2026)

[choccy--milk]