We all know hurt people hurt other people. But your trauma, your anxiety, your fear, your mental illness does not give you a pass on being hateful towards other people, especially when they have clearly communicated boundaries and stated how you are making them feel. What happened to you was unfair, but it won't heal unless you face it directly and learn to let go of all this rage, instead of lashing out on the wrong people. You don't get to abuse others because you were abused, you don't have the right to infringe on their boundaries, you don't have the right to be so hateful towards someone who never hurt you, even though you are struggling yourself. Everyone is struggling, and everyone has their own limitations.
Your feelings are valid, your desires, your rage, but they are not facts, and they don't give you control over other people and excuses when you become toxic to others. Don't infantilize your own behavior as that of someone who cannot stop themselves to excuse the same behavior your abuser had towards you when boundaries were communicated, which you understood and infringed them anyway, lashed out anyway, and ended up repeating the cycle of abuse over and over.
Your rage over what happened to you is valid, but traumatizing other people because you are hurting yourself is just repeating the cycle. Sometimes, we are the ones in the wrong, and we need to take accountability on the fact that we can be toxic so we can face our own hurt, our own relationship problems, and start healing from all this pain instead of directing them to other people who had nothing to do with it in the first place.
Boundaries are boundaries, and you if you are aware of that and they were communicated directly to you, don't get the right to infringe upon them, to restrict someone's freedom, to restrict someone's agency over their body because you don't agree that they should have the choice, or because you feel like you lack control, or feel like your own needs are more important than of others because you are suffering. Everyone is suffering too, you are just acting with disregard towards them. Even when you are suffering, you don't get to infringe on someone's autonomy when they have clearly communicated over and over and you have understood it but did it regardless. It's disruptive to your personal relationships, and you don't get to pick and choose which boundaries you are going to respect, you don't get to be rude, to lash out or to abuse anyone else because you were abused yourself, or because you are struggling too.
You can't deny other people any respect just because you were denied of it by someone else, years ago. Your responsibility now to face this trauma, this illness, this fear, instead of lashing out at other people who have nothing to do with the your own hurt. No matter how hard it seems to you now, you can recover from all these intense feelings, but don't use them as an excuse for toxic behavior instead of taking responsibility for what you do. You don't get to infringe upon others' rights no matter how you feel, you don't get to hurt them because you are hurt yourself, you don't get to use it as an excuse instead of acknowledging that you might be prone to repeating the cycle of abuse (which is something very common in the first place).
Your hurt, your illness, your trauma, it doesn't put you above anyone else to the point you can completely disregard their autonomy and agency when you already clearly know they don't want you to keep disrespecting them because they have communicated it repeatedly. You are choosing to disrupt your relationships as long as you don't take accountability and deal with your own issues for what they are, instead of lashing them out in other people in hopes they will just deal with it.
