Let the Right One In

Relationships....Not quite like riding a bike

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My boyfriend ☺

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True. I found it finally after so much hurt, so many disappointments, and so many dregs!! @dateadreg

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It's not a bad idea... So often we lose sight in life and sometimes seeing things in black and white helps. But I can't imagine forgetting why I fell in love with someone. And I feel that things can change in a relationship as time goes on - to the point where your relationship is very different from where you started. Perhaps it should be a box you add a letter to on every anniversary after you get married, so you revisit regularly instead of only when 'things get hard'.

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Most of these made me smile. Some of them made me raise an eyebrow.

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After the dust settles

I’m afraid, dear ladies, that the unsettling paranoia of losing someone; the hounding expectation of being cheated on or let down; the constant fear of having the proverbial rug ripped out from under you; doesn’t appear to go away. The feelings do improve, however, and dissipate over time, I can attest to that, but they don’t appear to go away forever. Or perhaps I just need more time?

It’s been almost a year now that T and I have been together. Before you start surmising - he’s done nothing to trigger any of these internal battles. It’s simply been me making similarities between situations that’s brought it on for me.

T has been away at a manager’s conference in the city for half the week. He’s been staying at a hotel paid for by the company. I’ve stayed home as my work is in the other direction.

It was a work conference where my last ex cheated on me with a colleague of his. It was simply the fact of T going away to a work conference that triggered the comparison in my brain and a flooding memory of the beginning of the end for my ex and I. A replay, if you like. Those underlying feelings from that old wound still ache from time to time.

But I’ve had dreams as well – my subconscious breaking through in my sleep after a full waking day of suppression. It’s always dreams of him leaving me in a confusing and/or hurtful way. Feelings I’ve felt before burst to the surface and in that moment I’m surprised – as I never thought I would feel them again.

It’s fine, I brush them aside and recognise them for what they are – a ghost.

Stupidly I write all this in clear view of the clothes airer in the other room with T’s business shirts draped over it, the knowledge that the rest of his possessions now reside in my house, and the fact he has called me earlier to make sure I’m coming to stay with him tonight in the hotel and meet some of his colleagues and then a family friend after drinks.

But I just had to recognise that I still felt this. Just to put it out there and define it! Regardless of how great things have been, and how naturally and healthily we have progressed as a couple, it’s still very possible to feel old feelings and fears. When you have been through it all before. I almost wrote that it was a shock or surprise, but when I think back to it, I knew it was coming. When my ex sent that text message, while I was interstate, telling me the truth that he had slept with someone else, I felt nothing in that moment. It was almost like I was expecting that to arrive any day. Things weren’t right in the relationship for a long time. He did me a favour by bringing it to a catalyst and cheating on me. I needed to wake up from the nightmare and come back to reality. And I did.

But it was the fallout from the blast that hurt. The ongoing mess that carried over for years - that’s still going. He still hounds me.

And it was situations before that even, with previous exes (some similar, some worse, some better but still not great) which compound all this. I can’t even tell if my last ex was the worst of all of them. Maybe.

Regardless, it’s still a battle I fight- although I always win. But it’s a case of even though the war has passed, there’s still fighting inside.

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Good analogy!

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One other thing...

I made a comment last night in conversation with T around my stance on kids…in that they’re not a priority for me now but might be something I’d think of down the track when I’ve finished travel, building my career and am more settled. It was around the fact that a friend of mine a while ago had made annoying inappropriate comments about the fact I’m leaving it a bit late (I’m 28) and should be prioritising it sooner. This was in front of a bunch of people I had just met for the first time at a BBQ (just because he got his girlfriend pregnant within 3 months of the relationship and is now pro-parent, doesn’t mean we all have to follow suit!). It was a little deliberate in talking about this with T, as I have been wondering where he stands on kids as have seen how much he tends to dislike being around other people’s kids. I know I could just ask, but I want to get a feel first.

He didn’t say much other than agreeing with me that I’ve got ages to make that choice, and that there’s nothing wrong with having kids in your 30s.

I’ve planted a seed anyway.

[ltr1i-blog]

Finally, an update.

  I know I’ve only made a smattering of posts in the last few months or so…

Things are good. And I guess because things are good, I have nothing big, interesting and dramatic to write about. But that’s the way it goes isn’t it? The best inspiration for writing always seems to be born from sadness, anger or frustration.

Life has been busy as well. Work takes up more and more of my time during the week, draining me mentally. Though, I still managed to play and win against T at a game of chess recently. It had been years since I played, and after a long day at work as well, I was pretty chuffed with myself.

But it appears that blue moon has come around (though it was red recently) where I have a moment to jot down my thoughts.

So where are T and I now…

Well, we’re living together – I think you all got that. More and more of his stuff has made its way into my room, wardrobe and cupboards…well everywhere really. We’re planning our next overseas trips for the new year, and our flights are booked in for flying back to my old home for Christmas where he will be meeting my family.

A few little intricate bits and pieces have evolved over these last few months too. He still sends me good morning texts, which has always been that signature endearing thing about him, albeit it being less regular now. The main thing he does now is call me every night when he’s away at work. Of course, not if he knows I have something else on, but without fail, I expect it every night. Somehow we manage to talk for about an hour each time.

I think I also covered off not long ago that we say “I love you” now. I said it first. I don’t regret that. He responded instantly without a thought – “I love you too”. It was during a month where we barely got to see each other, and then he had to fly back home for 10 days to see family. It needed to be said, ages ago.

One thing with T and I, is there’s not a lot we don’t enjoy doing together. Our interests are almost the same. This probably makes us sound like an old fuddy duddy couple, but we have this vegetable and herb garden growing. I used to have green thumbs when I was a kid, but lost that somewhere along the way of growing up. Every plant I have had as an adult has died. But with him, I’ve learnt a lot and we’ve managed to plant and sustain a heap of different vegetables, fruit and herbs in pots in the back yard, and it’s all going like gangbusters!

It’s become a hobby that we share and enjoy together. I’ve never had that with anyone before, but now see how important it is to have that common connection within a relationship. One of those things you do in your life that is purely unique to only you and them.

One other thing that I find particularly awesome about T that I’d like to share, is that he loves my two cats. He’ll often ask over the phone how they’re doing and for me to give them a pat for him. Kind of feels like they’re becoming his as well. He’ll go looking for them when he’s here and makes sure they’re both in the room with us when we go to bed. Every other guy I’ve been with have either been indifferent toward the cats or hated them.

It’s just nice. Everything fits and slots in with little effort.

His birthday is coming up soon, actually. I’m starting to plan what to do for him!!

He did well when it was my birthday a couple of months ago. He bought me a beautiful orchid (I’d been wanting one for ages – they’re my favourite), chocolates, some really nice cheese from the region where I came from, and a pretty necklace from when he flew back home. But it was the words he wrote in the card which was the best part. I’m not sharing them on here though.

Not long now, and it’ll have been a year since we first met!

Pretty sure it was around this time last year where the Scotsman escapades were happening. How far I have come…

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Yep, this is us now.

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This is Tiger, with my cat. Currently my favourite photo!

[okcreepsters]

Has anyone ever had an actual relationship on okc? Like it doesn't seem like there could be.

Yes! We’ve all had relationships from OKC, and know of a lot of success stories. Sometimes it just takes a lot of wading through shit before some great people come along.

[bustysaintclair]

About to move in with an absolute gem of a man I met on okcupid.

There is a lot of garbage to be found on okc, but there are some real treasures there too. 

It might seem like all dating bloggers do is complain about okcupid, but we need tumblr to commiserate and laugh with others about our terrible experiences in online dating. 

If I hadn’t had a community of other people to support me through the dating process and reassure me that I wasn’t the only one who felt like she was constantly wading through shit, I’m not sure I would have been able to stick it out.

[the-makeout-whisperer]

^Perf.

[ltr1i-blog]

I concur with busty! I found a gem of a man too and that was through POF! For me, it was about setting myself some rules that worked for me.

There were many occasions where I became fed up and frustrated with the constant time wasters, so in the end I focused on dating as many guys as I possibly could at the same time and rule/sift out any poor behaviour early. You've got to sift through the dregs 😉

But blogging about dating made the whole experience more enjoyable and helped me to find the right guy. This community will follow your journey and keep you on track. They'll offer an unbiased and objective point of view on your situation - they'll pick up if you're making a mistake before you do sometimes!

I'd highly recommend it to anyone who is going through online dating.

Sometimes you just need to see the funny side of it all. I had some highly amusing experiences dating which were fun to share with everyone. Plus it was also the big nods of understanding from everyone, when going through the typical motions, that make you feel less alone.

Sometimes I miss it... But wouldn't swap what I now have for it. There's hope for everyone - the trick is to not give up. It's going to be a long ride!

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This is what made me, me

I feel so utterly sad for my housemate right now. She moved in not long ago, but over those couple months I have come to really like her and I can see she's a lovely person. Her boyfriend moved in with her as well - he's French and also a really great guy. 

I've had such negative, depressing, scary and even aggressive housemates through here before, and it was so refreshing to hear laughter through the house. They seemed so happy and in absolute adoration of one another. It made me smile hearing them carry on. 

But he's had to go back to France....as of tonight. She said she knew the day had to come, but of course tonight she fell apart when it came to saying goodbye. They hadn't even made it out the door, and as he said his farewell to me, I looked at her. Her eyes were red and watery- tears just pouring out uncontrollably. You could see the reality setting in before her. You could see how helpless she felt. The only thing that she can do is accept it and try to get her heart and mind around the fact that he's gone. 

Such empathy I feel for her. I know exactly what she is going through. I was in that position myself - about 5 or so years ago. That ex was moving away for officer training in the army. He had come to the decision that we weren't going to be able to continue beyond that point, though I would have moved to the moon with him. But in his mind, there was no room for me to move away with him. He knew it would have crippled my career if I had moved there too. Where he was going, did not have a lot of opportunity for me. And I'm thankful that it didn't go that far - as I'm sure I would have struggled.

We stayed together until that end date though. But that date was like a dark cloud looming over us the whole way through. He's probably the only guy in my past who treated me with respect and dignity throughout the whole relationship. 

Like my housemate, I knew the day would come around eventually and there was nothing to be done about it. But I would ignore that fact and just enjoy the time I had left with him.

This is such a cliche of a love story, but I'm going to tell it anyway, because it's my favourite.

This guy was half Italian, and a bit of a gentleman. When I graduated from university, he sent flowers and chocolate to where I was working at the time with a note saying, "congratulations beautiful!".

I have fond memories from that time. But I fell so in love with him during those months together.

It's worth mentioning, that although I'm painting the picture of him being a great guy, not everything in the relationship was perfect. But it was close enough. We were together around 18 months all up I think. We had one break up in the middle, which I still to this day don't really understand why it happened. 

He just called it off one day. I think it may have been because I held back too much and he thought we weren't going anywhere. I took it really hard and I fell into pieces right in front of him. Wow, I was so young back then, yet I'd already been through a few really destructive relationships. I was so timid and I knew I wasn't letting him in enough. Though, it wasn't all my fault as he was doing the same. When getting him to explain his choice in ending it, I just got more confused.

It was close to Christmas, and I'd already gone out, bought and wrapped a gift for him. Not long ago a friend of his had bought him a vinyl record of U2 (he LOVED U2). But of course, he didn't have anything to play it on. So I went out and bought a modern record player. It even had a dock for an iPhone - which was most likely the first iPhone at the time! 

I hadn't given it to him yet, and then he broke it off. I didn't want to take the damn thing back to get a refund. That whole experience was just going to be even more depressing. I was so excited when I bought it, knowing that he would love it! And even though I was in tatters from him ending things, I still wanted him to have it. 

Later in the week, I asked if we could talk, to which he agreed. I took the present with me, and gave it to him. I told him outright that I couldn't bare taking it back and that I really wanted him to have it. Everything came out then. I don't think he thought he would ever hurt me this much. He didn't want me to give it to him, but I left it there with him and walked away.

After that, it hurt so much seeing him appear on my Facebook newsfeed, so I deleted him and blocked him on msn messenger (and now I feel old!) I wanted to erase him completely as if it never happened to try to move on from feeling confused, shocked, and hurt. It's what I did with all the other guys and that always seemed to work with them. But in this case, it didn't. I couldn't. Apart from confusing the hell out of me, he didn't actually do anything nasty - like cheating or being abusive etc. I think, maybe he could have just been terrified, like me.

Anyway, after about 6 months, I spontaneously decided to open the flood gates again and unblock him. Ignoring him wasn't working, in fact I felt worse and it felt all very unfinished. It didn't take long until he started talking to me and things took off again.

I was trying to look for the DVD collection of Six Feet Under (Fav show!), and for some reason wasn't having much luck. I found a store in town that had it in stock, so was planning to go grab it later in the week. I was telling him about it, and then he asked me if I'd like to catch up for a coffee. Our online chats had become a lot more frequent by then. In fact, I remember a few 4am finishes. Him and I had a lot of intellectual compatibility going on. We would debate for hours and get a kick out of it! He was so mentally stimulating as well as...well stimulating in other areas. 

I agreed to meet for coffee, heart doing somersaults. Before we met up, I remember browsing in one of those hair and beauty shops that was across from where we said we'd meet. Think I must have picked up some shampoo or something. Anyway, by the time I finished there, and walked out, I looked over at the coffee shop and there he was. His back was to me. I remember studying the back of his head from a distance, seeing the familiarity of its shape again.

The amount of deep breaths I was taking at that point should have had me hyperventilating. I approached slowly and once I came into his view, he smiled and stood up. And I can't even remember at this point how we greeted - whether we hugged or not. I think I was frozen and just taking in his familiar face that I hadn't seen for months.

He walked me to the store I needed to go to, and it turned out to be closed for stocktake. I couldn't find another time outside of work to get there, so he offered to get it for me and I can pay him back and grab it off him later. Total excuse to see me again, of course!

And yes, I did see him again to pick it up. But we actually jumped in bed (it was cold) and watched a couple of episodes together. Of course, that lead onto other things and we were on again! I noticed on the top of his wardrobe the present I gave him, still wrapped. He couldn't bring himself to open it. After a month or so of being back together, he opened it, and loved it.

The second time back together was so much better. We were more open with each other and present. We sorted everything out that messed up the first time. But we couldn't do anything about the finite aspect of the relationship - we would have to accept an expiry date. 

That last day turned my life around. I feel like I have him to thank for being where I am now. He gave me a huge kick up the arse to go out into the world on my own. 

It was the most hardest thing to let him go. I walked out with him to the front of his house, while he waited for a taxi to pick him up and take him away. He held me close and looked in my eyes, and said, "I know that whatever you go and do, you'll be amazing. You're so strong and determined, you'll make a success of whatever you do." I think I promised him something here, like I would stay focused on my career and follow my dreams or something. I can't remember the exact words, but it was a sort of 'I believe in you' moment, like you see in the movies.

The tears were pouring. I could hear he was getting emotional in his voice, and could see the tears starting to well in his eyes. He wasn't the sort of guy to get emotional at all - ever. It wasn't long before he asked if I could leave because he wanted to be alone for a little while. I didn't want to, but I left anyway.

I was a complete mess, yet I still went home and jumped online straight away to start looking for jobs around other parts of the country. The urge to fly away was overwhelming. I knew I would sink if I stayed home, having to go to all the places we experienced together, where I would see him everywhere and be stuck in the continuous circle of memories that would whir around me. 

I wanted a completely clean slate. I wanted to go somewhere new and not know a soul. I wanted to start from scratch all over again. Eventually, I did. And it was the best thing I could've done.

Seeing my housemate go through such a similar thing right in front of me tonight, I know exactly what she's feeling right now. It's like you've been ripped down the middle. It doesn't hurt. It just feels numb. 

It took a long time to heal from that one. I expect it will for her too. They were great together! Heck, I'll even miss him!

It all just makes me want to bury myself in T's arms, squeeze the bejesus out of him and tell him just how much he means to me! Because I'm so thankful that I've met a guy who, although he goes away for work all the time, always comes back home to me. And I've never felt more confident that he's not going anywhere.

I guess it's a shout out to anyone who's going through such a breakup - where it's a case of 'having to', rather than 'wanting to', where circumstances are just out of your control. Let it be known, that the aftermath will take you to better places. Don't let it destroy you or control you. control it. Do what is necessary for you to feel new again. These types of break ups tend to feel like the end of everything, but they're not the end of you. 

[thelovewhisperer]

So, you’ll come across so many people in your life. Ones you think will stay in your life, stay with you forever. You come across people you will love, very much. But sometimes love isn’t enough to tackle all the obstacles in life and you will have to deal with the heartbreak of knowing that that person you love is gone and you’re left, alone, to try your very hardest to fall out of love. To do something you never thought you’d have to do. Just keep your head held high. Don’t let it get to you, don’t fall apart. Clear your heart and let it go. And when it comes around again, let love in. Because you never know. It’s all about having faith.

Daily Tumblr Love Quotes (via thelovewhisperer)