𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐥𝐥 / 𝑯𝑼𝑴𝑨𝑵

[luegner]

       he too has to laugh a little bit. maybe even more honestly than he could when he was around family members or friends. because he knows that they know. the know he is broken and that it’s hard to him to come back into a civil life, that it’s not easy for him to keep conversations lighthearted, not to get lost in spirals or trauma. but with her, and he is thankful for that, with her he can just be jonathan for a moment. without a critical eye for whether he really felt okay. “then maybe we should exchange numbers so if the apocalypse really happens you’ll have a way to of finding me.” it’s an innocent offer, he wouldn’t feel offended if she didn’t want to make that connections. it’s just a playful conversation between these two. “and while you’re at it you can gladly give my therapist a call and let her know that i ... pressed you with my perspective. small victory over here.” dirty blond admits. 

cup of tea is emptied and he takes the thermos into free hand for a little refill. “somestimes a conversation with a stranger feels better because its ... neutral, right?” hawthorne feels corner of mouth tugging upwards. she felt the same as he did about their talk. and that was a good sign. “oh please. you don’t owe me anything. you gave me just what i apparently gave you so ... let’s say we’re even, hm?”

[luegner]

       william is more than surprised when the other man stops and even turns to hold on to the ‘conversation’ for a moment. lovely. very lovely. irishman turns too, chuckling at the comment. ah, yes. forever looking down on him. that’s what daniel does. and truly, it’s where will is comfortable too. he’s been fighting with his fists up high and from down below all his life. “classic ... oh.” one eyebrow dances up on forehead. “what’s that. dan are you ... is that a smile on your face. my man, you’re not going to start liking me now?! because that’s just proof ... you’re a rat too.” fake excitement on his face as he enjoys the childish interaction.

[luegner]

       the situation amuses him to the least. theo seems so put off by his behavior, so uncomfortable and this is exactly where william needs the people around him. he needs them to dislike when he is around. because that way he can be sure they’re not putting their noses into his business. “nah, nah. theo. that’s the point of it all. joselyn isn’t my girlfriend. i could never try to own her. i’m all here for ... freedom. i get to be free. so does she.” he’s rambling just a little bit, alcohol causing him to enjoy the sound of his own voice more than he should.

deep breath is taken as he prepares for the next hit. “you don’t want to sleep with josie. huh. odd. do you want to sleep with me then?” thumb brushes up over naked skin exposed just above the neck of theodore’s shirt. movement is slow, almost suggest it. will isn’t sure where this is leading. what it means. but he wants to find out. he wants to provoke. he wants to be in trouble. this seems like a good way to get there. “it sure would be more entertaining than work, theo ...” irishman hums from behind him. 

[luegner]

   he really doesn’t want to admit it but jon feels almost shy when she takes the present out of the bag. now, in her hands, the candle looks even worse than when he had finished his work. maybe he was better at taking life than doing this after all. boyish smile on his lips, soft and quiet, while hands rest on his lap under the table. she probably hates it. he sure wouldn’t love it if somebody gave it to him. but he had done what h could with his little experience. 

dirty blond leans back on seating, admires the smile on her face for a moment. when was the last time he had felt this happy? huh. he couldn’t remember. “uhm.” fumbling with words, he finally manages to squeeze out the sentence. “i made it myself.” jonathan admits. he looks back at soft features for a moment before he feels too embarrassed to take the present seriously anymore. “it’s horrible, i know.” trying to play it off as a bit of a joke, he laughs awkwardly. “when the snowstorm came by you spoke about candles so i thought it’d be a present you could at least use. and hey, the more you use it the less you have of it until it’s eventually gone.” jon offers now. 

[luegner]

his friend was in a tough position and william understood. had he not been in a similar position a few years back? had to chose between wife and best friend? it had torn heart into pieces at that time. today it all seemed so meaningless. like a fever dream. like it never really happened. 

“mate, all i can tell you with women is ... try looking for the mistake on your end first. if you can’t find one? then there is your decision. you don’t want to stick around somebody who will make you feel like crap for no reason. we’re men, eh? we make a mistake, we apologize and we move on. women are a lot more complex than that. maybe ask yourself why she hasn’t opened up. did you make her feel like she can trust you? did you open up about how you feel?” will questions, taking another sip from the bottle of water in his hands.

“i’m not going to pick sides here. unfortunately i can’t make the decision for you either. just keep in mind, phoenix is your friend. not adriana’s. and you and adriana, excuse my harsh way of expressing this, you’re nothing. you guys don’t date, you’re not in a relationship. if i was in her shoes i also wouldn’t feel like i owed it to either of you to be any nicer than i felt like. whatever path you end up taking, just make sure you’re happy with it. be egoistical in this situation. just for once. your heart needs it. you’re a good man. you’ll make the right decision.” hand claps his friend on the back to encourage him. 

[luegner]

he allows her to speak but jaw clenches with each word leaving her mouth. victoria has betrayed him in the worst way possible. she’d let him think that he stood a chance. had raised hopes, had done all of that knowing well enough she’d never leave her husband. who was he to make her chose anyway? the more she said the clearer it was to him. the more he felt the truth behind her words. she didn’t trust him. and she didn’t need him. words hollow and empty. but what really pushed him over the edge, ripped him apart on the inside ... she loved him. it wasn’t polite of her to go that into detail about her situation. in fact, jon felt as if she stepped right onto his heart. had he not just made himself vulnerable? had he not tried hard enough to open up and to explain his feelings? he had. and victoria was too egoistical to see it. 

when she told him she wouldn’t ask him to stay, tears stopped to come. they stopped running down his face, expression became hard, posture stiff. emotions were swallowed. jon’s will was broken. survival mode kicked in. good little soldier. he had slipped there for a moment. had thought he had somebody in front of him whom he could trust with his feelings. but all of him meant nothing to her. and maybe her rubbing into his face how good her life was now had been exactly what he needed. her enjoying to trample on his heart was the price he had to pay. what had once been love started turning into something much uglier. something dark and disgusting. vic lost access too his heart at this moment. she didn’t deserve to hear one more thing he had to say and quite frankly this was proof enough for him that he’d been right not to open up to her in the first place. her feelings mattered the most to her and he’d been too willing to give himself up for far too long. 

there was nothing he wanted to let her know. nothing he wanted to comment on. hot tears dried. jon’s heart felt cold. this was what it felt like to be a hawthorne. distant and detached from all good things in life. detached from love. and victoria brought that out of him. she brought to the surface that in fact he did share blood with his family. that he too was filled with spite and bitterness.

“okay.” tone is a voice from far away now. hollow and empty. the emotions that shook him so violently just shortly ago got stacked into a place where probably only his therapist would dig them out from again. whatever. just another scar on top of many other scars his soul carried. what else was he supposed to say anyway? congratulate her? after all that she had thrown against him just like that? without a care in the world for what it might possibly do to him? in contrast to her, jon wouldn’t try making her feel guilty. he wouldn’t use her own feelings against her.

sick to his stomach, mouth dry, eyes burning from feelings that had overwhelmed him, jon left the gallery. lovely, how fragile the heart of a warrior can be. a heart is a burden. he should have listened to the words of his father for once. 

[forchrisevans]

Tell me everything. Knives out, 2019

[luegner]

it’s not a surprise to him that she can’t believe he really organized a trip for them. she had hardly believed the diamonds and they’d been right there in her hands. dirty blond laughs slightly when paper is thrown at him but allows it to wear off soon. “not a joke.” he confirms. “we’re going in january. if you could make time, i mean. but i think you’d love italy. and i love italy. it’d be lovely if you could join me on the trip.” 

fingers point at the lingerie she had unpacked shortly before that. “and then you can wear this for me too.” jonathan finds himself excited at the thought of going on vacation with her. for once they’d have their privacy. for once, they could fully focus on each other without paparazzi cameras on them, without sneaking and hiding what they were really doing. and for once, he would get a chance to wake up next to her. seneca wouldn’t be gone in the morning and he wouldn’t be alone. wouldn’t have to feel dirty by himself for what the night prior had brought to them. “so what do you think? can you come?”

[cevanscentral]

Chris Evans as Ari Levinson in The Red Sea Diving Resort (2019)

[luegner]

worry about bar is pushed aside and his attention is fully focussed on his friend’s story. hand comes to rest on zach’s shoulder to reassure him that he is here and listening properly. “mate ... not gonna lie. that’s tough.” and he starts thinking because quite frankly he doesn’t want to give zach the advise to just let it go like he himself had done so many times. he’d let go too soon and ended up hating himself for it. hand leaves shoulder and william takes a deep breath. “you know ... when i was married, my wife also didn’t get along with my best friend very well. and i wanted for the both of them to feel important enough for me. completely failed. i’m sorry you’re in the same position now.”

he is silent for a moment, hesitation because he knows zach trusts his word so he wants to say the right thing. “if phoenix is your best friend she won’t be angry at you. it’s what friends do, you know? you fight and you make up. that’s why it’s a friendship. you forgive each other. as for adriana, that’s a tough one. but i also understand she felt cornered. i can just tell you one thing, she too is a victim of her past, you know? look at me. i sleep with all these women and never allow anyone close enough for five minutes because i fcking hate getting attached. i never had a constant person in my life and i cope with it by not allowing anybody to try to be constant because that way i can’t get hurt over it again when somebody leaves. i don’t know her past but if she’s making such a big deal out of not wanting help, not wanting to rely on somebody, wanting to do things on her own? man, you don’t know what messed with her head in the past. maybe that helps understanding her a little. as for making up ... ultimately you have to listen to your heart. follow what you want. because only you can make yourself happy. if you really have feelings for her? go after it. go after her. maybe she feels the same. love it the biggest virtue out there. the ones amongst us who get to find it are lucky. you see a chance at it? grab it. you never know how long this door will be open.”

william offers a smile to his friend. “give yourself some time to think about it. figure out what you want. then you decide. and don’t fcking tell anybody i told you all of this because officially i still don’t care about love and all that.” he nudges zach slightly, hoping to have given him some relief with a different perspective on it all.

[dyx-deactivated20211116]

[birminghams]

The King will be there. King George? No. King Billy Kimber. And all his men.

[stcrmybastard]

[luegner]

it’s been a while since somebody has offered him these words. thank you for your service. once out of service, the words were rarely uttered at him. usually people only said it when he visited official ceremonies or somebody knew of his background. it brings a small smile to his lips. memories flash in front of him but he doesn’t allow darkness to consume him at all. “i was fine. i live in a somewhat big house and i have a fireplace. so it was actually quite cozy at home.” dirty blond admits with a sheepish smile on his lips. “i was on a mission in russia a few years ago. we also got stuck in a snow storm and had to hide from it for days. so all of this is actually nice and somewhat familiar.” jon has to admit and hopes the story doesn’t sound too depressing. truly, regardless of the danger at that moment it’d ultimately brought him and the camerades closer together. 

“i think–” he starts, “you should only book a vacation next year if you don’t bring your ipad along. because if you’re going to work on your vacation then you might as well just stay home.” or so his thoughts tell him. blue eyes once more wander in the direction of the device as he listens to her. “you know ... even as the marketing director it’s okay to just turn it off. the ipad i mean. everybody won’t be working for at least a few days. i think you’ll be okay.” the oldest hawthorne child tries to encourage her a little to put aside work for a moment. hand is extended too now to introduce himself. “oh don’t worry about it. i could have done the same. i’m jonathan.” last name isn’t mentioned, does he not want to be connected to the rest of his family right away. “it’s lovely to meet you.” taller one admits, soft smile on his lips.

[luegner]

he listens. jon listens because that’s the best he can do. after all these years of holding on, he had to admit that he was exhausted. exhausted of hoping and of dreaming and of telling himself he needed to last just a little bit longer and then they’d get a chance at what they both wanted. jon was exhausted and so her words felt like salvation. over a decade had he held on and thought he and victoria could actually work. but there it was. the answer to everything he had been looking for. victoria didn’t love him. not anymore. shoulders that had been tense now fall down, hanging low as blue hues look back at her. eyes burn but he doesn’t want to cry. god, all he does is crying all the time. jon wants to be strong about this just one time. but he knows the second that she finishes, he probably won’t last. he lost victoria without ever truly having her. 

throat is cleared in an attempt to get emotions under control but the massive chaos in his head wins this fight. frowning heavily, jon closes eyes for a brief second, shakes his head as if he tries putting thoughts in order again. no success. “see.” he tries to speak. “this is where we are different.” half a smile finds his lips but it never reaches his eyes. instead, blue orbs leave her face and he looks down at his shoes, unable to hold her gaze when he is about to make himself this vulnerable. “i love you.” words leave his mouth but he knows it means nothing. not as long as she doesn’t feel the same for him. 

jon knows he owes an explanation. he’s been swallowing what he thinks for almost half his life now. with vic already having slipped from his fingers, he at least needs to find redemption in saying what he thinks about their situation. “you speak about blame and how there is no use in putting it on either of us. then put it on the both of us anyway and give me all these reasons to feel guilty and to feel bad for you because my silence forced you to do all these things. i appreciate your apology. i wish your words would follow suit.” a statement that leaves his lips hardly but the dirty blond has to stand his ground too and has to speak what’s on his mind – what has been on his mind. for a decade. “when i left, i left for us. so i could be better. so i could become a proper adult. so we could have a perspective. i didn’t deserve you. i was a horrible teenager. i needed to change in order to be enough. today, i think i would be enough. i would be good for you. maybe i would be the best for you. better than he.”

bottom lip trembles. this time not only because of the heavy stutter with which he speaks. but because emotions start overwhelming him. this is why he never spoke to her about it. he was in too deep. much deeper than he liked to admit. again, throat is cleared. does it help? not really. but it gives him a bit of time. “but i respect your decision. and your marriage. and all that he is doing for you. it’s a good thing you learned to love somebody because i was never there when i should have been. all this, where you ended up, this is good. and you deserve it. but you know what i don’t deserve? i don’t deserve you asking me to stay when you know it’s breaking me. so please don’t do that to me. with that ring on your finger, please don’t try to hold my hand and please don’t kiss my cheek because, victoria–” he pauses to take a deep breath, can’t fight back wetness in the corner of his eyes anymore and the trembling of his voice. “because i love you, victoria. and it’s not helping me to get over this feeling when you treat me like there is still a chance you could be mine.” 

jon squeezes eyes shut for a second, doesn’t want to feel the cold wetness on his cheeks now but really, it’s too late anyway. “i respect that you found happiness. so please respect that i have to let go. i want to be happy too.” a goal so far out of reach and yet, the oldest hawthorne child fought for it every day.

[kastleprincessxo]

I have never related to anything so exactly.

[luegner]

       he hates that again her lips on his tongue feels like knifes to the skull. all the years he had held on to the love between the two of them. what they had now was a sad excuse of that. a broken heart, that’s all they carried away from twelve years of passion. jonathan follows her into the office. the sudden silence around them doesn’t necessarily calm him down. if any, it makes him feel more nervous. had anybody seen that they slipped away secretly? or worse, had anybody taken pictures of it? maybe he was just being paranoid but he didn’t want to imagine the anger of her husband if the newspaper headlined a picture of the two sneaking off from the opening. 

when they’re alone, hands wander into slacks again. he fully expects her to go off on him. for running off, for being so secretive, for sending mixed signals with the gift. granted, he had never meant for her to find it. but that didn’t change his situation now.

throat was cleared and he looked a little lost in the room that just screamed victoria in every aspect. deep breath is taken. courage, soldier. he hears the voice that has often haunted him in his dreams. another war he is lead into. blue eyes find her face. there is no avoiding the situation now. “i’m guessing you want to speak about what happened at town hall the other day ... ?” he tries to make the firs step, hoping they would get out of this war without either of them crying. or without him crying. because he was far more likely to do so.