devilbeside , philip blake .
Philip holds her up as she goes nearly limp against his chest, arms wrapping around her to support her. He can feel her tears, wet and soaking through the fabric of his shirt, as he works to hold back his own threatening to fall. But he’s CRIED for their daughter already, just as he’s cried for Sarah already. He clenches his jaw, steeling himself against the tight pain in his chest that has nothing to do with Sarah’s fists now beating against it.
He doesn’t flinch, doesn’t move away, just takes it. Because what else can he do? She’s distraught and it’s his FAULT their daughter is dead. Sarah wasn’t there. It was his sole responsibility to take care of her, to keep her safe, and he couldn’t do that. It was his responsibility to keep his family safe and he FAILED to that. Sarah was alive but no thanks to him. He hadn’t even looked for her, hadn’t even considered that she might still be out there after that horde. He’d give up on her.
It’s a question he dreads but one he expects and he stares over her head, gaze unfocused and wandering. It’s not a difficult memory to recount, it’s one that’s haunted his nightmares time and time again. It’s his WORST memory without a doubt, one he couldn’t wipe from his mind if he tried, and he’s tried. He’s still holding onto her, almost out of habit. He barely feels her there anymore. She’s warm against his chest but he feels cold. NUMB. There are no more tears in his eyes, whatever was boiling up inside him has settled. He can’t allow himself to feel. Not when it comes to this. Not anymore.
“Brian, Nick, ‘n I…we found this cabin. Settled down for a few days but another group found us and tried t’ take it. I just wanted t’ leave but Brian he…wouldn’t let ‘em have it. He went back.” He can remember it too clearly, the CHILL of the night, the sound of gunfire and struggle and Penny small and terrified and trembling in his arms. “We hid but…they had some people out by the road too an’…” He swallows hard, forcing down the lump forming at the back of his throat. “…she got shot.” He remembers the gunshot. The ringing in his ears. The momentary RELIEF at not feeling the pain of it hitting and the panic when he felt blood soaking into his clothing.
If they’d had weapons. If he’d been a braver man. If he’d been the man he was now back then. What ifs. It was the past. No use going back over it again but he has too many time already. “She bled out.” He’d held her in his arms and felt the warmth leave her body, watched her eyes go glassy and empty, held her until she’d come BACK and tried to tear a chunk out of his shoulder. He’s trembling slightly, tense, not quite realizing that he’s starting gripping Sarah a little bit tighter.
in a moment her life had gone from bad to worse . the mere idea that her baby girl had died seemed to be overwhelming enough , but the idea that she had been turned into one of those things ? it brought a feeling to sarah’s stomach that would ruin the governor’s shoes . there is a flood of selfish relief when philip says she was shot-- that maybe that gave her a fighting chance at resting easy , but then reality set in . it didn’t matter how you died , and only one question comes to mind .
she pushes away from him to catch her breath , and immediately her body is as frozen as the ice caps . the words echo in her head like some sort of chant , she bled out , so it was slow . there’s so many questions that race through sarah’s mind , so many things that she does but does not want to know . it’s hard to concentrate , she feels like the world may spin out of control . ❛ did she-- ❜ silence , a hitch in her breath and she swallows the lump rising . ❛ how could that happen ? ❜
tongue betrays her , honest question asked , but not the one even she was expecting . she wants to blame him , and so instead of pain sarah finds anger rising back up , anger that he had not done more to save their daughter , that he had become the man that she’d heard about . how she had searched for him and penny even after she found the prison , how she swore they had to be out there even after so much time had passed . because somehow believing that they were alive but lost was easier than coming to terms with their deaths .
if she thinks hard enough , she can flash back to memories from years ago . when they were in their home with leaky pipes and broken doors but they were together , all three of them . she extra misses the smaller things . laying in bed after a long day’s work , eyes half open as they mumbled their way through a conversation about what they’d done . limbs tangled together , sarah’s hair’s probably tickling his nose but phil never complains . those are the moments that she misses the most . those are the moments that keep her words careful , make her think before she acts .
❛ there was nothing that you could do ? ❜ without details it’s much easier to play the blame - game . supplies were hard enough to come by , but medical supplies ? and enough to treat a bullet wound ? she doubted that they were in the best of circumstances , but still she needed to know . to know that he tried , that he did everything that he possibly could to save her .
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