sometimes she lied still on the bed
silently wishing the sun does not come to wake her up
and force her to face life or the new day
despite every good she has achieved, every applause people have given her
another told me again and again her hidden desire to jump from a brige or
just to know how it feels like
imagining the first one coming to look at her from above
how selfishly, stupidly yet painfully brutal.
and i have tried to cut myself with a razor
uselessly blunt that it laughing at me for not being able to do the job in one cut
have tried to run so fast a breath couldn't catch
have tried to take an insanely fast bike
just to get away from my mom and her sudden outrage and my youthful outrage and all the real or imaginary emotional abuses and all the family fights and all the old trauma fragments and my teenage years and the loneliness that was there ever since i knew life
away from the hot burn volcano inside of my chest
away from the hopeful/hopeless thought that i have found life again and again just to lose it again and again
have tried to hit myself and strangle myself with one hand wearing glove
pretending to be someone else
as a ritual, a way to confess, to free myself of sins
with one desire to kill and another instinct to live.
we all wish to have a last breath symbotically just to feel we could still treasure life and fear death
and asking why? for all of these is just as nonsense as trying to find a quick answer or a quick solution
as if you knew my or i knew your motive and cause and fantasies and the stubbornly-refuse-to-obey-your-rational-wish-to-always-be-cheerful-and-motivating-and-inspiring-and-healthy-and-positive-person mental condition
i even stop pretending like i knew me and myself
and even this poem is as well a nonsense re-construction to make sense out of the nonsense sense
and even if you, or you, or you ask me
i would still reply that i am okay
just as everytime i check on you, and you, and you
the way we let this tyranny or ideology of fictional intimacy isolates us from ourselves and from each other.