[rainbow-femme]

Since people liked this post of Ilya proving to the internet why Shane is a good partner, let’s have a sequel of Shane doing similar

Ilya is in a depression low and the fact that his hockey persona is still “biggest asshole” no matter what he does has been getting to him even if he won’t admit it. So Shane posts a photo compilation titled “Every Reason Ilya Rozanov Is NHLs Biggest Asshole”

-“Bullies his teammates” with a picture of Ilya doing a celebratory fist pump next to Haas with his face in his hands, in front of a tv showing Ilya getting first in Mario Kart

-“Bullies his competitors” with a picture of Ilya laughing and Scott Hunter looking like he wants to set him on fire with his mind as he holds a birthday card labeled ‘Woah! You made it to 100!’

-“Bullies Hayden Pike” with a picture of Ilya and Jackie in the lake doing the Dirty Dancing lift while Hayden stands by with his hands on his hips and glaring

-“Stealing” with a group of pictures of Ilya wearing a Hollander 24 hoodie, wearing the Canadian Olympic fleece, and wearing one of Shane’s old jerseys

-“Dramatic” with a picture of Ilya in a feather boa at a karaoke night at a gay bar, eyes closed as he is clearly belting out some song

-“Takes jobs away from janitors” with a picture of Ilya in an arena post-game and picking up litter people dropped in the hallway

-“Bad role model to youth” with a picture of Ilya and a kid at one of the camps sticking their tongues out at each other

-“Child abuse” with a picture of Ilya playing paintball with a group of young boys

-“Animal abuse” with a picture of Ilya bathing an unhappy Anya in a kiddie pool in the backyard

-“Disturbing local wildlife” with a blurry picture of Ilya running away from a Canada goose

-“Encourages cavities” with a picture of Ilya letting trick or treaters take handfuls of candy from a bowl

-“Unfair sales tactics” with a picture of Ilya taking pictures with people at a Girl Scout cookie sale table, the table surrounded by a crowd of people waiting and holding cookie boxes

-“Trespassing” with a picture of Ilya shoveling a neighbors driveway

-“Fashion crimes” with a picture of Ilya in a pink baseball hat, a neon orange tank top, jorts, and neon green crocs

-“Not helpful at puzzles” with a picture of Ilya and David in front of a one thousand piece puzzle, both with their faces in their hands, pieces everywhere

-“Only falls asleep during movies when its his husbands turn to pick” with a selfie of Shane frowning at the camera and Ilya zonked out asleep on his chest

[darlingofdots]

let's think of some Bits in the Hollander-Rozanov household because every good relationship needs incomprehensible and insufferable Bits:

the random Russian nouns as pet names, obviously

turning to Anya to arbitrate who won the race/loads the dishwasher correctly/scored a sexier goal etc

Ilya. Ilyusha. Ilyushenka. Ilyushenkechka.

and who won Rookie of the Year????

"I have never said this in my life"

threatening to tell Yuna

"pass me the remote?" — "come and get it" — [wrestling]

butt slapping. at every opportunity.

"we will have to shoot you like lame horse" when one of them gets so much as a papercut

idioms translated literally into the wrong language

"this is not hall of fame behaviour"

"who should I bring as my plus one" and listing random people while the other pouts

[rainbow-femme]

They move in together full time and Ilya notices that Anya acts differently with Shane than she does with him, more quiet and less playful, and he worries that means she doesn’t like Shane or is jealous, so he hires a dog trainer to come over and see if there’s anything they need to do to help

After a while of talking about how Anya acts the trainer says there’s nothing to worry about, Anya likes Shane just fine, it’s just that she sees him as the boss and is acting accordingly

And Ilya is like. But. I’m the one who adopted her? And raised her before Shane got here?? And the trainer is just like yeah well she sees you more like an equal. And Ilya is like WAIT she thinks Shane is in charge of both of us?? And the trainer is just like well do you interact in a way that would make her think that?

Ilya’s life flashes before his eyes as he thinks of all the times Shane has come over with a snack for Ilya and a treat for Anya, or all the times Shane has announced they’re all going for an after dinner walk, or pets Ilya’s hair and tells him he did a good job at practice, or the fact that he uses the same warning tone with Anya when she misbehaves as he does with Ilya when he’s causing problems on purpose

Shane comes home to Ilya with his face in his hands going oh god I’m not Anya’s dad I’m her brother and she thinks we’re both your pets. And Shane just goes. What.

[jesse-is-spiralling]

[rainbow-femme]

They move in together full time and Ilya notices that Anya acts differently with Shane than she does with him, more quiet and less playful, and he worries that means she doesn’t like Shane or is jealous, so he hires a dog trainer to come over and see if there’s anything they need to do to help

After a while of talking about how Anya acts the trainer says there’s nothing to worry about, Anya likes Shane just fine, it’s just that she sees him as the boss and is acting accordingly

And Ilya is like. But. I’m the one who adopted her? And raised her before Shane got here?? And the trainer is just like yeah well she sees you more like an equal. And Ilya is like WAIT she thinks Shane is in charge of both of us?? And the trainer is just like well do you interact in a way that would make her think that?

Ilya’s life flashes before his eyes as he thinks of all the times Shane has come over with a snack for Ilya and a treat for Anya, or all the times Shane has announced they’re all going for an after dinner walk, or pets Ilya’s hair and tells him he did a good job at practice, or the fact that he uses the same warning tone with Anya when she misbehaves as he does with Ilya when he’s causing problems on purpose

Shane comes home to Ilya with his face in his hands going oh god I’m not Anya’s dad I’m her brother and she thinks we’re both your pets. And Shane just goes. What.

[bugslibraryy]

No but guys. I know this because I was there. Ilya gets a bad splinter in his foot and he’s all “shaneeee” big big sad eyes and pout and hoping around not putting any weight on it. “Shaneeee we have to go to hospital” and Shane is like oh my god get on the couch Ilya.

He gets out their first aid kit and he’s all 😠 serious kitten face as he cleans it and gets the splinter out and Ilya is all “what’s the verdict doc” and Shane is like “can’t be saved, we have to cut the whole foot off” in his flat voice as he’s pulling the splinter out and putting a plaster on it. Ilya nods seriously and says “ah. Ok at least is not my cock then 😕” and Shane is like “Ilya” as he leans down and gives Ilya a kiss over the plaster (despite it being on his foot, despite Ilya having been barefoot in the backyard the last few hours) and says “all better” his hand rubbing the top of his foot.

and then Ilya is all oh 🥺🤭🥰 “come here doctor I need a lot more kisses I think it’s working I think it’s healing me” and Shane huffs but goes to give his kisses- he doesn’t want to be done for malpractice after all.

[femaustinpowers]

david hollander is the true winner of the idgaf war. he doesn’t know what youtube is. he doesn’t care about shane’s sponsorships. he understands why shane doesn’t wanna go to wimbledon and is just happy to go with his wife. he sees his son making out with his supposed arch enemy and turns 180 degrees, gets in his car, and doesn’t tell a soul. he pulls out the vodka when his newly out gay son is having a freak out at the dinner table. if shane had even 1% of his idgaf powers he would be unstoppable. unfortunately that boy inherited his mom’s gaf-ability, which is constantly set to 150%.

[alltoowille]

Yuna and David having watched their autistic son be so isolated all of his adult life and never having a happy relationship or close friends who understand his anxiety and then finding out that the man they’ve spent a decade hating on his behalf can casually talk him down from a panic attack in less than a minute

[i-fear-gritty]

boston raiders secret santa. ilya gets a magic 8 ball and for years has genuinely used it for major life decisions. at first it was for the bit but now he genuinely trusts that thing with his life

[blacksheepcolorfulskin]

Yuna and Shane nearly have a heart attack when he uses it to decide if he should take a brand deal.

[shane-bug]

happy pride month 🌈

[cloudabserk]

yuna hollander the woman that you are.

[cloudabserk]

BEST DAY EVER ☀️🌸❤️🦋

based on this

[cloudabserk]

silly comic

[cloudabserk]

based on this excellent post

[hutsonwoolyums]

There’s just something about desperate-for-it Ilya watching Shane do yoga. He’s lying on his back on the floor, head on Shane’s yoga mat while Shane stretches and bends above him, groaning and pleading like, “Just let me touch you, sweetheart. I only need a little.” It’s driving him crazy that Shane is sweating and trembling and bending over but it’s because of yoga and not him. But Shane’s just like, “Not til I’m finished, ok? I need to focus.” And Ilya groans and swears and he’s adjusting himself where his shorts have gotten tight and, ok, maybe Shane starts to chub up too, but when Ilya reaches for him he’s like, “No, Ilya. I mean it.” So Ilya’s just lying there, aching and grumbling while he watches Shane do Warrior 1.

[livijoyann]

Ilya and his Mommas 💙💜

Threw the brick so hard, it came back and hit me in the face 😭 All "fake insta" posts here: anotherhraccount

[martelldoran]

irina would call ilya her little star on account of all his freckles and moles. moya zvezdochka, she would coo and kiss the center of his left cheek and the tip of his right cheekbone and it always filled ilya with the warmth of her love.

anyway, one day, ilya would call shane his little star because he's always loved his freckles and trying to find the constellations in them, and shane would squirm about it. what about you, huh, he'd parry back, brushing his fingers over ilya's cheeks, all these beautiful marks; you're the star, not me . . . moya zvez-zvezdochka.

he'd trip over the pronunciation as he tried to mimic ilya, russian still too unfamiliar on his tongue but ilya wouldn't even notice. he'd be too stunned. because for him, loving shane's freckles is a cornerstone to him, something that he's been sure of since the moment they met. he'd never once stopped to consider it might have been the same for shane.

[vivodesdemona]

his spot