Luv of My Soul

[luvofmysoul]

Tasigh

Tasigh, I need you. I need to channel you. Tasigh, thank you for allowing me to be me. Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for wanting to be my friend. Thank you for never giving up on me.

I feel like people are backing away from me, but you never did. How could you leave me?

My coping mechanisms are sleeping, keeping silent while observing and thinking and keeping things to myself. It’s kept me safe from being hurt a lot but also closed me off to the world. It was like that ever since I was a young child. I’m tired of this though. I want to try something new. I’m tired of being afraid.

But, maybe it’s ok to not like a lot of partying. Tasigh never made me feel less than for not going. He still loved me. Why? He is the only guy, the only outgoing secular guy of this present world who loved me as I am. He did hurt me before but he still loved me and wanted to be my friend.

Tasigh, because I you, I promise that I will take more leaps and be myself. You were so loved because you were yourself. You were 3 different versions of yourself but that’s ok. I can do that too. 

I need to find the balance between allowing myself to be free and also allowing myself to be charitable to others. I think my faith has helped me a lot with the latter but I’ve travelled too far into myself to be free. 

Tasigh, you always reminded me of this intentionally and unintentionally. Thank you for prodding. Thank you for knocking on my door. Thank you for so many beautiful experiences. It’s because of you that I had some teenager fun and that I got to live that a little. 

We met in 7th grade. You were so freaking rude. I don’t think I had ever met someone as rude as you. Heck, I think you caused a part of my inferiority complex when it came to my skin color and my looks. It was hard to believe when you said that you thought I was cute when you saw me in the hallway in 6th grade or when you said you crushed on me in the 8th grade.  But, I know it was true. When we were at the St. Marks reception, my mom kept telling me that you were looking at me the whole time. Maybe you were looking at Jan or maybe it was me. I’ll never know but I remember that you said that you had a crush on me. By 8th grade, your rudeness turned me off so much lol But, you were still friendly. You were friendly but rude. It didn’t make sense. You always called and wanted to talk but you would say foul things lol You told me that my shirt looked like a curtain once and that my pink sweater made me look like PeptoBismol. You were such an anomaly, but you toughened me up. I was such a crybaby but being your friend got me out there. I had more confidence to join my community because you were always taking me and Adam on some adventure. Thank you for toughing my skin. I have a lot to thank you for. High school you thankfully moved on from that crush but you constantly called. I remember getting annoyed lol You always had the stories. Sometimes I would even tune you out lol Some of the stories were true and some of them weren’t but you still called to tell me. Sometimes, I didn’t even have much to comment back but you would go on and on. lol That dedication to me and our friendship was amazing. I’m so glad that I was able to be an ear that you could always have and who you could talk to. I’m glad that I was there for that. Your college stories were even crazier - I can’t believe that the were all true. You kept me in touch with this world even when I was in my sheltered bubble and I appreciate you so much for that. You came through for me when I was in the scariest situation of my life. You came through for me. You came through. You dealt with my mom for me. You stood up for me. You also got me super drunk on many occasions lol You knew how to be a best friend. You went so hard for me and I never understood why.  

I feel like I’m moving in slow motion. Everyone is dealing with the grief, making preparations, telling stories and I’m just stuck. It’s a symptom of how I hold things in and keep everything to myself. But, that was never you and I always wanted to be more like you this way. I was trying to pick that up from you. You were helping me so much. We planned really hard for this podcast. I was so excited to be a part of the project. So freakin excited to do this with you. Because this was it. This is what we always connected on. Look, that podcast was uncomfortable for me sometimes and you knew that I wanted to bow out, but you knew that I could do it. 

I’m sorry Tasigh for not grieving properly. I feel so slow, so useless, so passive, so boring, so inadequate. What I am doing with my life? I feel so lost. What am I am doing? 

I know what I’ll do. I will channel you. I will be better about my friends. I will not be afraid of people. I will go out there and be myself, even if it is awkward. I must speak my truth, speak my heart, speak my life. 

[luvofmysoul]

So much to say

I keep a lot in.

I am also afraid to start over, but maybe that’s what I need. I’ve been afraid my whole life. I’ve been afraid to show who I am to people for fear that they won’t like me. It’s hard to believe that my best friend liked me. I think he liked me because he knew me when I was younger- before I started closing off more to the world. 

I have a problem. I close myself off, stay in bed and do things to escape. I am addicted - so addicted to sleep. What is wrong with me?

I think I allow the priorities of other people to take over my life. That’s why I couldn’t be a manager. It was that constantly. It was so draining.

What is my life? What are the things that I want my life to be and that I want to be control over?

I was also in denial. I was in denial because I didn’t want to hurt or I didn’t want to hurt others - thereby hurt myself. I’ve caused myself a lot of pain by doing this.

I loved N romantically. I think I really did. I was in denial. And I don’t know if I still do. I’ve had 3 loves in my life - N, A, and L. No one else has come close. I think the distance from these people has helped me see that I did love them. 

I need to break up with J. I see that I am letting J control my life as well. I think that subconsciously, a lot of men like that. They like a woman who is open to that. And heck, maybe that’s a part of me, but I don’t think it’s all of me. Heck, I can clearly see that I don’t like it.

I have my goals. I need a partner with my goals. If J is willing to stick by me as a friend, maybe it can grow into something else but right now, I can’t leave things as they are. 

I want to grow spiritually as well and maybe I can do that with J but I don’t think I can date him as I do it. I just don’t know. Maybe we can try longer. Maybe if I tell him my demands, he can understand. But, he is taking the one thing that I need control over and that’s my life with his ultimatum. It’s breaking me apart and the longer I take, the worse it gets.

I am so tired so this world. 

[luvofmysoul]

Self-Love

What is self-love?  It is a concept that I don't explore enough. I am continually exploring ways to improve aspects of myself. However, what about exploring the parts about myself that I already love. How about re-reading to myself the things that I have accomplished already and admiring myself for those. We don't dedicate enough time to praising ourselves for the amazing things that we have already done.For one, I do not even have a list of accomplishments that I can revisit every time I fail at something. Not having that makes it so much harder to pick myself back up. Instead of thinking of ways to distract myself from the failure, I can pray and re-read the things about myself that I love and the successes that I have achieved  already. I need to explore starting a relationship with myself. I need to romantically fall and be in love with myself. I need to learn about myself as much as I can and love whatever that may be. Seriously, it will do wonders if I take myself on dates and treat myself without guilt once in a while. As someone so eloquently put, self-love is looking in the mirror and knowing that the person staring back at you is your best friend, who understands that you're a work in progress and will do everything to make sure you're happy whenever you go back and look at that person in the mirror. (See David Charles Mills Jr.'s FB post on 7/31/19) I need to remember that I control the way that I feel. I am the one who makes myself dwell on the negative emotions and hurt feelings. I am the only one who can change it and allow myself to be happy. It takes strength, but once I learn and practice how to pull myself up. I will be a much more grounded and stable person. I can time-box my time to feeling sad. I can write, pray, and remind myself that I am amazing (and maybe watch ONE show or YT video) during that time. If that doesn't work, then it is time to override myself and just make myself better (but I'm sure those 3 will do it). It must be timeboxed though and I must continue with my life or else I won't be able to (1) move on and (2) I will make myself feel worse by not doing the things that I want or need to do (fall behind). The above paragraph is crucially important. However, I have digressed from the main point of this post. See? I can't even have a complete post about self-love without being distracted. I need to work on prioritizing this concept in my life pronto. I will explore ways to do this tonight.

[luvofmysoul]

Things that make me happy / realizing the need to slow down

It’s been a while.For the first time in a long time, I feel like today is a day of rest. Yesterday was Anime NYC and a blast, and I got to rest up for the past 14 hours without disturbance. I sorely needed it.

I want to use the opportunity to write down the things that make me happy.

I enjoy games - Specifically League or Legends at the moment. I also enjoy board games. I want to get back into those again.

I enjoy reading - the journey that books take me through and the accomplishment from finishing a book too.

I enjoy taking my time and working on a skill. While ironing on Friday, I realized that I need more activities that I can take my time on. I am always rushing at work and at home to make myself more time-efficient. However, I want to balance that with fruitful activities that I can take my time on.

I enjoy dance. I wish that I could relax more in order to fully immerse myself into it.

I wonder if I can type without looking at my key board. I think that I can. I am doing it now. I just need to trust my typing skills a bit more. You see- because I did not take my time for a long time, I never realized that I am actually a good typer. I didn’t realize my skill in typing has grown so much that I can finally type without looking at the keyboard. I think that once I slow down, I can enjoy the world a lot more. At work- I can be fast an efficient with my time. That’s what makes me so great. But, outside of work, I can (and maybe should) switch that mindset and take my time in my activities. I think I will get a lot more enjoyment out of life that way.

I would also learn how to draw. I should make time for this. I need to make time for this and my other creative hobbies - signing, playing piano. Maybe it doesn’t have to wait until I move.

[luvofmysoul]

Society and Love

We as a society has failed so hard. I don't think humans can achieve peace because we are unable to communicate or care about each other. We are easily dismissive of people when they exhibit different behavior instead of trying to understand it. Children are not shown enough or the kind of love that they need in order to be self-sufficient and grow up grounded enough to seek out the wrong people in order to get that love. If friends knew how to love better, things would be very different.

[luvofmysoul]

When I’m stuck...

Pray, meditate, write. Don't let emotions control me- write it all out. Write what I want to say- and read it out loud if I need to. If there's nothing to write and the thought just keeps coming back, then let yourself think about the worst case and hole on to your spirit for the 10 minutes it takes you to think on it. Then leave it behind. You will feel better. Dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is watching. Just be. When I'm happy, that's when I can share my happiness with others. Not giving up my happiness to make someone else happy. I am love, peace, joy. God has made me these things, so when I am centered and confident and stable, then, I can bring those things to others me.I don't need to make myself unhappy to temporarily bring those things to others.

[luvofmysoul]

For a friend and for myself

I’ve been writing a lot lately, but not posting. Been going through a lot with my friend. Everything is resolved now, but the situation taught me a lot about myself. I need to post it to get it off my chest and to a place that can help me later on.

I’m going to highlight/bold the parts out here that I want to learn from later to another separate post. I think this is a really important post. It is something I should read over when I start forming attachment to another person. I need to remember to center myself, focus myself. Once I do that and what I have written here, I need to focus myself on my goals again.

Here we go...

Hey,

I know you had a lot going on last week and the week before. It probably reached a boiling point last week. Let me first say that I'm so happy you got through it. I knew you could and would. From what I understand, having me communicate with you was not helping you get through the week. You have every right to cut off someone who is stressing you out or making things harder for you. In this case it was me. And you don't owe me anything.I heard your unspoken messages. It was surprising to me actually. I never heard a message so loudly without the words being spoken and barely written. It's a new form of rejection for me. I've never had someone reject my optimism, you know. But, I don't do it for acceptance. I did want to encourage you and it took a lot of of me to stay away but I knew I had to, because you decided that was what you needed to get through. Not my optimism, but you needed my distance. And I repeat, you have every right to reject who you want. Sometimes, even if it hurts the other person, you have to do it to protect yourself, you know?  I don't think you feel bad about that. You can't, you know. This has been a growth exercise for me though. I hadn't been focusing on myself and my spirit enough. My spirit hasn't been strong. I had an attachment to you that I think was too much. My emotions were ruling me instead of me ruling them. That's been my biggest area for me to grow you know- for years. It's a big reason why I won't date. That and my confidence of course. To be honest, I think my attachment formed because I saw you as someone who learned to control, to some extent, your emotions and control your life, to dinner extent lol And subconsciously, I wanted to spend more time around you, 1. Because you're so amazing, generous, kinds and rare and 2. Because I maybe thought that it would help me be the same and I can grow by absorption from you. In some way, it has, you have shown me a lot of ways to be more in control- meditation, Tai chi, dance. I'll always be thankful to you. I don't think I've learned more about how to live a healthy life from you and my mom to some extent. I digress, so yea- unhealthy attachment formed. But I was able to realize that. Master Geum helped to if I'm gonna be honest. So I've been meditating and praying a lot.I kinda let time in California and on the flight helped me rebuild myself, my spirit, my stability a lot. I've meditated and connected with my religion a lot to get more stable and confident in myself. I had a lot of chances to practice those things again while I was out there. I'm not completely there yet but I feel good. But where does that leave you and us? I was hurt last week when you cut me off. That's not on you though- I let it hurt me. However, I won't get caught out like that again. I don't think last week will ever happen again and affect me like it did. I have to let my emotions control me in order for that to happen again which I won't, or I'll try my 100% hardest. I'll really look deep within myself and think about myself first, my spirit before my interactions and my decisions with you. 

I might have lost sight of that somewhere and associated you with being healthy and good for me. My spirit needs to be more comfortable with me which I'm working on. I think we can hang out like we used to but I think it'll be different for me at least. It's time for me to stand up and face the world. My will needs to drive me more and I need to choose the things that are good for me. I've been stagnant for too long What helps me is mediation, prayers and writing. Just writing everything. I need all that to live. When my brain is too wild and none will stick, I can let myself feel for 10 minutes the worst possible scenario while I focus on myself. Then, I have to stop it and let it go. I need to remember though that this worst possible scenario is just as likely as the best possible scenario, so spend another 10 minutes thinking about that as well. Then, let it go. I feel like once I've centered myself for long enough like this - not been swayed by my emotions, or my need to be nice to others that isn't nice to me- then, I'll be perfect, then I'll be ready. I'll be ready to not only date, but take on the world. I think a stability time of one month is what I need to prove to myself first then, I know I'll feel so good. Pray, meditate, write, release. Don't let emotions control me- write it all out. Write what I want to say- and read it out loud if I need to. If there's nothing to write and the thought just keeps coming back, then let yourself think about the worst case and focus on to your spirit and being in control/grounded for the 10 minutes it takes you to think on it. Then leave it behind. You will feel better. I think this is going to be a different J who you interact with, who everyone interacts with. But it'll be a healthier J. One thing I don't understand though (this will open it up to you)- I thought just maybe you'd at least want to know how I was doing. Maybe you're not though the worst of the stress but that confused me. The coldness of it all. That makes me think that you don't want to be friends with me anymore but I'm not going to jump to conclusions. You are probably still going through a lot. I'm not sure.I just don't remember the last time someone treated me like that, much less a friend. You treat me like a bother. If you don't want to be friendly toward me anymore, ok. I've had to think about it since it was on my mind already. Is that what you want?

[luvofmysoul]

Silhouette

My last note was on resentment. Specifically, resentment towards my mother. Strangely, enough, I realize that I don't have resentment towards my dad. None. But the reason is simple. It is because he wasn't even here. I have no resentment because I have no person to resent. There isn't anyone. He was just that absent. I don't know what to resent because I don't have actions from him to resent. It's just nothing. I could compare him to other fathers and say that he could've done this or been here for that like they were, but those aren't actions from him that I can resent. He was just gone, usually. Don't get me wrong. He was here a few times. He would pop in and out for short bursts, but the moments are minuscule in relation to my 26 years of life. He cooked and would drive me to and from campus but I really just need his time. All his kids did. How aloof can a father be? So, no, there's no resentment. Instead, there is just puzzlement and anger toward him. Like, what in God's name are you doing being a parent? You have no right to be a parent to kids. I do remember a time when you actually were a father though, once. You had come to visit me in Virginia. It was just you and me.  You went grocery shopping with me, cooked with me, helped me buy a car, watched TV with me. It was so freaking nice. I cry right now thinking of that weekend. I finally had a father. This is what I must feel like to have a parent and to be an only child. Dad, you didn't have to buy me expensive things or cook food all the time to show your love. You just had to be here. That's all I needed, and Jan too. And, I guess I lied a bit. I do resent you for not being here. I resent you for only that, but it is a large thing. The gap in love that your absence caused in me has shaped a lot of me actions in my life. It created an unstable emotional foundation for me that I am trying to build now, by myself. I cannot begin to go into the trauma you put my mother through. That will be another time, but know that for me, you missed out on too much and you've done enough.  

end note

[luvofmysoul]

Resentment, Part 1

Today, I cannot be happy. It's my first day back from vacation and I can already tell that I am back to where I was before I took the break. I have so much anger and sadness built up in me. I want to be left alone, but at the same time, I don't want to be ignored. I feel so lost, like I don't have a foundation onto where I can build my happiness. My mother is annoying me again - with small tasks, with ignoring the way I feel about situations and her parenting. I know that her ignorance is a coping mechanism. I know that she tries to deflect because if she hears how I feel outright, she will be hurt. So, I am stuck. I cannot communicate. If I cannot communicate, I cannot build a relationship with her. I resent the way that she judges me. I resent the way that she gets angry when I cry. I resent the suspicion she has on me whenever I go out and try to get some release - to find some temporary happiness. I resent the way that she imposes You on me, as if I do not pray or have a relationship with You. I resent that when I was younger, she didn't realize that shy Jenee still needed the same amount of love as her other child - and probably more, because I was harder to open up. I resent that I had to become an extrovert in order for people to see me and so that people could love me. I resent that I had to find other places and people to get that love. I resent that I didn't get that foundation of love when I was home, and so, I am still struggling to build it within myself now. God, I have to do it all myself now because I still can't talk to her. I resent that she said that he had me in order to give Jan a sibling. I resent that she had Jan and me because she knew that she needed people to take care of her when she is older. These are human beings that you are making. They are complicated beings. You can't have your own agenda for them when you make them. Mom was an excellent mother and provider. She has done so much for us. I know it. But with me, I am not good at remembering entire situations and experiences. I remember the way that these situations and people made me feel instead. So, I am sad because I know that there were numerous situations that mom fought through to give me and Jan a better life, but I remember more often the fright when she would hit me or threaten to hit me and the shame and pain when she would tell me to grow up and stop crying when I was hurt by words or actions. I suck because I have forgotten the sacrifices she made for me. I just remember the fear and pain inflicted. To cope with these when I was young, I retreated so much into myself. I tried to avoid situations that could possibly hurt me instead of finding ways to better deal with my emotions. I found ways to hold my breathe and my tears in and swallow the hurt in my heart instead of letting it out. This has been a recurring theme and pattern in my entire life. Being a parent is not easy. You can't only train a child to do moral things and provide things for them to have a comfortable life. You have to connect with them emotionally and teach them how to deal with emotions. You can't just yell at them when they make a mistake and hit them to make them fall in line. Not all kids are the same and respond properly to that. Some kids need more love, not fear in these situations. If I have kids, I don't think that I will hit them. I never want them to fear me. I don't know if I want kids though. I never want them to think that I have them in order to benefit my own life. As I mentioned earlier, human beings are complicated and difficult to raise. In the world we live in today especially, there's so much for them to have exposure to, so that they are unprepared or trampled upon. I don't know if I will be able to give them due justice. I hope that moving doesn't seem like I am running. I hope that it isn't. I do need more space and sunlight to grow and develop myself. With more space, I know that I will have more time. With more time, I know that I will be able to work through my problems and my emotions. I will be able to become the stable, level-headed, independent person that I always wanted to be. And then, nothing and no one can stop me. I think I'll end this entry for now. I know that I placed a lot of blame on my mother in this one, but it is just one-sided anger that I need to express, to release. She tried to the best of her ability with Jan and me. She put forward all that she knew into raising Jan and me. She doesn't deserve all the blame; in fact, she deserves a lot of praise of raising me to be a successful computer engineer with a Master's degree and money in my name. Now, my father is another story. I have yet to fully dissect the impact that my ever absent father has had on me. He is perhaps moreso responsible for the way I am now. But, that is a story for another day. end note

I didn't realize who the audience of these entries were until I in the middle of writing this. These entries are to You, God. My heart has been so clouded lately and I would like to open it back up to you and Jesus. As I write these and pray, my goal and only hope is to bring back a foundation to my life and grow spiritually with You at the core. You will never leave me and You are always here for me. There's no other way for me to be stable and live my life and fulfill all my dreams. I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. 

[luvofmysoul]

Journey to self-realization

I am the first to admit that I am terrible with words. You will never hear someone say, "Oh, that Jasmine, she has such a way with words". No, not me. I remember getting Bs and Cs in my AP English class and not understanding where my problem was. I ended up getting a 4/5 on the exam though, so it puzzled me why I was so awful at the class. My current running theory is that I have good ideas in my head, but that I don't express them artistically or elegantly. It will always be a skill that I want to develop, but now is not the time. I just need to get my thoughts and emotions out. There are classes that can help me with crafting my English, which I would love to take, but I can't do that now. Besides, I have always had a love/hate relationship with school, and I need to deal with the hate before I pursue more education. I love the idea of learning and becoming more knowledgeable. I think the process to go about it is exciting too. Sadly, the way that I have been presented with school has made me hate doing it. I know how best I can learn, but the facilities available to me don't present themselves in the way to allow me to do so and enjoy it. I have so many thoughts in my head. Starting to write has made me realize just how much has been stuck up here for so long. I have so many repressed emotions and ideas. I feel sad that I haven't given myself the chance to let it out or express it in any way. I would like to start with my childhood though. There is so much to unpack there. It has made me the way I am today. I cannot begin to heal from it until I begin to write about it. I didn't have a terrible childhood. To be completely objective, I have to say that my childhood was on the much better side of the spectrum of childhoods that people have. But, just like many things in my life, the way that I needed to be supported and nurtured was not what was available to me. I don't want you to misunderstand though. My mother provided a lot for my sister and me. She did everything she could to make my sister and me happy.  She was and is an amazing mother and I love her with all of my heart. But, she never really understood me or accepted me the way I was and am. The outcome of this has shaped my life, my relationships and my path to happiness. I am writing this diary to express and process it all. Things like paranoia, painful group relationships and friendships, and wanting to be loved from anywhere have been themes in my life. I need to dissect these and understand them. I need to understand myself in order to rebuild the parts that were lost or that were never there. I need to be better and I hope that this is the first step. Will you join me on this journey of self-exploration and realization? 

end note

I am trying to keep these notes to a reasonable size so that I don't spend too much time a day on them. My schedule is very hectic and I hate the feeling that I get when I am late for something or miss something because I mismanaged my time. That is something that I am trying to stop. So, these notes will be short. Many will build off or continue from others.  Some won't. This is a space for me to breathe and discover myself. It is my comfort place, but one that I can't succumb to it fully. Not right now at least. I will have to see where this journey takes me for now.