Tasigh
Tasigh, I need you. I need to channel you. Tasigh, thank you for allowing me to be me. Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for wanting to be my friend. Thank you for never giving up on me.
I feel like people are backing away from me, but you never did. How could you leave me?
My coping mechanisms are sleeping, keeping silent while observing and thinking and keeping things to myself. It’s kept me safe from being hurt a lot but also closed me off to the world. It was like that ever since I was a young child. I’m tired of this though. I want to try something new. I’m tired of being afraid.
But, maybe it’s ok to not like a lot of partying. Tasigh never made me feel less than for not going. He still loved me. Why? He is the only guy, the only outgoing secular guy of this present world who loved me as I am. He did hurt me before but he still loved me and wanted to be my friend.
Tasigh, because I you, I promise that I will take more leaps and be myself. You were so loved because you were yourself. You were 3 different versions of yourself but that’s ok. I can do that too.
I need to find the balance between allowing myself to be free and also allowing myself to be charitable to others. I think my faith has helped me a lot with the latter but I’ve travelled too far into myself to be free.
Tasigh, you always reminded me of this intentionally and unintentionally. Thank you for prodding. Thank you for knocking on my door. Thank you for so many beautiful experiences. It’s because of you that I had some teenager fun and that I got to live that a little.
We met in 7th grade. You were so freaking rude. I don’t think I had ever met someone as rude as you. Heck, I think you caused a part of my inferiority complex when it came to my skin color and my looks. It was hard to believe when you said that you thought I was cute when you saw me in the hallway in 6th grade or when you said you crushed on me in the 8th grade. But, I know it was true. When we were at the St. Marks reception, my mom kept telling me that you were looking at me the whole time. Maybe you were looking at Jan or maybe it was me. I’ll never know but I remember that you said that you had a crush on me. By 8th grade, your rudeness turned me off so much lol But, you were still friendly. You were friendly but rude. It didn’t make sense. You always called and wanted to talk but you would say foul things lol You told me that my shirt looked like a curtain once and that my pink sweater made me look like PeptoBismol. You were such an anomaly, but you toughened me up. I was such a crybaby but being your friend got me out there. I had more confidence to join my community because you were always taking me and Adam on some adventure. Thank you for toughing my skin. I have a lot to thank you for. High school you thankfully moved on from that crush but you constantly called. I remember getting annoyed lol You always had the stories. Sometimes I would even tune you out lol Some of the stories were true and some of them weren’t but you still called to tell me. Sometimes, I didn’t even have much to comment back but you would go on and on. lol That dedication to me and our friendship was amazing. I’m so glad that I was able to be an ear that you could always have and who you could talk to. I’m glad that I was there for that. Your college stories were even crazier - I can’t believe that the were all true. You kept me in touch with this world even when I was in my sheltered bubble and I appreciate you so much for that. You came through for me when I was in the scariest situation of my life. You came through for me. You came through. You dealt with my mom for me. You stood up for me. You also got me super drunk on many occasions lol You knew how to be a best friend. You went so hard for me and I never understood why.
I feel like I’m moving in slow motion. Everyone is dealing with the grief, making preparations, telling stories and I’m just stuck. It’s a symptom of how I hold things in and keep everything to myself. But, that was never you and I always wanted to be more like you this way. I was trying to pick that up from you. You were helping me so much. We planned really hard for this podcast. I was so excited to be a part of the project. So freakin excited to do this with you. Because this was it. This is what we always connected on. Look, that podcast was uncomfortable for me sometimes and you knew that I wanted to bow out, but you knew that I could do it.
I’m sorry Tasigh for not grieving properly. I feel so slow, so useless, so passive, so boring, so inadequate. What I am doing with my life? I feel so lost. What am I am doing?
I know what I’ll do. I will channel you. I will be better about my friends. I will not be afraid of people. I will go out there and be myself, even if it is awkward. I must speak my truth, speak my heart, speak my life.











