Keli

(21, she/her) im just here for the vibes and i draw ocasionally. chronically online in a chronically offline sort of way. more art on my insta @ keliicha

[lilylikeswords]

@heatonice I have no self restraint and too much free time. I apologise... (there's also a baby Ilya and an adult Ilya now)

[themenacewhowrites]

I posit that Prime Shane Hollander does not so much have “an ass” as he has a truly improbable mass of lower back-glute-hamstring-thigh muscles that are to be thanked for outstripping all the long-legged players in every speed contest on the ice ever.

This is not just “what a fine ass” in passing. This is 100% Beefcake Territory. It is not sculpted like a Greek statue. It is built like a Mack Truck. This is the inspiration for bulldozers. There is so much going on. Is it picturesque? Only for anatomy and physiology textbooks, probably under “proportional and healthy bodybuilder’s musculature” or something.

This is not your average aesthetic specimen. This is not your sleek little thoroughbred racehorse. This is a thick-ass draft horse who could pull a brick house off its foundations.

This is a 5’10” hockey player that can go 0 to 30 miles per hour in two seconds flat.

His barbell squats are the stuff of nightmares.

Nobody wants to work out next to him. He uses half the plates in the gym for his “easy day” workouts. It’s worse if he’s bulking.

Every single set of muscles has a spot on his workout list. It is an unending cycle of every quarter getting leveled up, like the video game psychos who level up every stat at the same rate for the whole game instead of focusing on the “important” stuff first.

His hip adductors and abductors are of a size that should be studied, and their flexibility on paper should be a joke, but his yoga absolutely is not.

Resistance training? Those are not exercise bands, Hollander. Those are gaskets for an fifty-ton industrial vehicle. Where did you even get them? Is it even legal for you to have them?

He gets bullied into participating in the “crack a watermelon with your thighs” challenge, and he makes it look so easy.

Box jumps? Mister five-foot-ten does a disgusting sixty-six inch jump.

That “fight” with Scott? The only reason Shane “Thunder-Thighs” Hollander moved at all when his teammates pulled him away was because he hadn’t set his skates and decided he wasn’t moving, actually. And what do you mean having skates on means you can be moved across the ice easy when someone wants to move you? Nobody ever told him that. Shane Hollander sets his skates and that’s the end of the negotiation. Between his beefcake-ness and skill in wearing knife-boots, forget moving him if he doesn’t want to be moved.

(This is not done. I just… got tired… I’m adding more all the time.)

[lycheeek]

How some (read: some) people write Ilyas dead mom trauma:

Shane: my mom loves chocolate chip ice cream

Ilya: well my mom is dead. It must be nice to have a mother that likes ice cream. I cant relate, because mine is dead. Also my father used to beat me.

Shane: man... (he now has to spend the next 5k words apologizing and making up for his misstep)

[lycheeek]

[ohcebo]

alternate metros jersey shane 🙂‍↕️

[lycheeek]

Hollanov but its ICU nurse Shane x ER nurse Ilya

Shane: *picks up the phone* ... ICU?

Ilya: Hollandeerrr!!😝 Very important question for you– are your IV pumps running?🤔

Shane: ...yeah?

Ilya: ah, well you should probably go catch them, yes?

Shane: God fucking damnit. Im hanging up.

Ilya: Nooooooo, i have patient for you, sepsis☺️

Shane: ugh, are you serious? My shift is almost over.

Ilya: yes sepsis is serious, they teach this in nursing school Hollander.

Shane: go fuck yourself Rozanov... anyway, so this patient-

Later - patient hand off

Shane: what the actual fuck is this?? (He lifts the patient's arm, there's a 24G IV in their thumb, it's almost horizontal for some reason. It's connected to three different tubes all running perfectly but tangled up with eachother and the EKG cables. Something wont stop beeping – the pulseoximeter– it's disconnected)

Ilya: i have brought you worse and you know it.

[pelmenilya]

#myilya has always been chronically online and easily enamored by a good internet challenge, especially in the early 2010s. He personally participated in many with the Raiders, including but not limited to:

Planking. Everywhere

Making a music video to “Like A Boss” by The Lonely Island in the Raider’s training facility

ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, multiple times, always shirtless. Some of his notable nominations include a Raider’s assistant coach, Gritty, Shane Hollander, and then-sitting Vice President Joe Biden

The cinnamon challenge (fucked up his breathing for days but refused to acknowledge any discomfort bc Russians Do Not Do This)

Ghost pepper challenge (he ended up crying, made Connors delete the video, and threatened all present to secrecy)

Chubby Bunny challenge (Marly won and posted the video himself)

Gallon of milk challenge (Marly threw up and it was decided the video was too gross to post)

Ghost pepper challenge, again (went the same as the first attempt)

Harlem Shake in the Raiders locker room, obviously

Mannequin challenge during a Raiders practice, also obviously

Meanwhile the only internet trend #myshane has ever willingly participated in was the Ice Bucket Challenge when Ilya nominated him bc it was for charity and Yuna said it would be good for his image

[brokentoasterrr]

people often forget that characters lie all the time and while the concept of big dick ilya is fun and sexy, it is infinitely funnier to imagine shane, who is intimately familiar with ilya’s respectable six inch cock, pulling out a tape measure when he gets home after the infamous “nine inch dick” text exchange, measuring out nine inches, and just thinking to himself

this fucking guy

[neeska3]

And they are done! This was such a fun project! I am thinking of making the not hockey player cards too. Let me know if u have ideas about how I should do them! HOPE YOU LIKE THEM🫪

[bloominflowers]

those funny erling haaland memes but with ilya rozanov because this type of humor is very ilya coded to me

[lycheeek]

This fandom doesn't really rock with MCD like i do but hear me out... hollanov plane crash fic (same team, post TLG) but Shane dies Lexie Grey style in the woods and Ilya goes out post rescue like Mark. And once we get through the mourning then the rest of the fic is Yuna suing the NHL for the budget cuts that led them the using the questionable airline that got them killed... or something like that. Plus make it mixed media, heavy on the outsider pov. I would eat that shit up munch munch yum yum.

[lycheeek]

My favourite hollanov fic trope is when they get thrown into an insane torment nexus blender during their 2013-2014 era (plane crash, zombie apocalypse, outing, etc.) that irreversibly trauma bonds them together forever.

[lycheeek]

The only thing i heavily judge a fic writer for is how they depict throwaway female characters, ESPECIALLY nurses. It always sucks when for absolutely no reason the unnamed nurse is just a massive bitch for no reason or just astrononically incompetent for, generally, the sole purpose of having the pov character think wow what a bitch and somehow pull rank and put her in her place. Even worse if the doctor come out after and is just oh so nice and good at their job, what a breath of fresh air in this terrible hospital.

OBVIOUSLY there are shitty nurses in the world but its absurd when the author and, by extension, the characters act like a nurse is the next coming of satan for not allowing la MC and their fifteen member extended found family into the ICU outside of visiting hours

[hollanovcat]

happy pride month !!

[lycheeek]

The problem with the heated rivalry fandom, especially on twt (but it's basically bleeding into every other socmed site and fandom) is that the introduction of kpopstan-isms (solo stanning/akgae behaviours, hotel and airport stalking, fabricating rumors and hate trains, rpfing to the max, stalking aquaintances and signficant others on instagram and general delusion) into tv/actor spaces is killing the natural ecosystem.

This shit is already unhinged whithin kpop spheres but at least they've had time to aclimatize to it. I promise everyone's fandom experience would be much more enjoyable if before engaging with anything you just quickly considered – am i partaking in kpop stan behaviour? And if yes, please reevaluate.

[lycheeek]

I will probably finish my pwhl sveta and ilya wip at some point but im (un)fortunately reentering my employed era

[lycheeek]

Logging on to twt and realizing this fandom isnt just stupid yall are terminal