Sketchbook

Lydia, Zen Buddhist, artist, writer: lydialinker.tumblr.com

[lydialinker]

Broken

I am working on letting go. I see myself hold on to who I was only months ago, and now that everything is completely different, as I keep living back there I’m not only not living in what’s happening now, but the sadness of not being back there in the past with everyone I knew and a life I loved and a place I loved and a person I loved, is so painful. I don’t want to deny what happened, but I can’t live there anymore.

To my love: You are asking me to stop loving you. I know you love me and I love you just as much, but by ending our relationship you are asking me to stop loving you. I love you so much that I am trying to do that. I think what hurts the most, or what makes it hardest to let go, is that no one has loved me the way that you have. The fact that I found that and now it’s gone is the most painful and hardest thing for me to accept, so therefore I can’t seem to let go of it. Love by its nature is conditional. It comes with conditions. It is just as alive and fleeting as we are. Where is the unconditional love?

I know I always have my unconditional love in my art and my practice. I have been taking refuge in my practice. I come here to write for the first time since everything changed and I became broken, to take refuge in my art. It is helpful, healing, and reassuring to know that I can always turn to my practice and my art wherever I am and during whatever is happening. But my practice and my art won’t hold me and tell me how much they love me and kiss my tears away and smell my hair and tell me we’ll get through this together. It’s a lie.

Love is a distraction. Can we really find someone to move together with along our own paths? Did I waste my time with you? I was willing to try with whatever it took. Why weren’t you?

My body is broken. My heart is broken. My spirit is suffering. I don’t want to love you anymore. I can’t love you anymore.

[lydialinker]

If you are an acupuncture aficionado, please strongly consider checking out Pacific Grove Acupuncture. If you have never been to acupuncture before and are considering acupuncture for yourself, go to Pacific Grove Acupuncture first. I highly recommend this place for acupuncture.

When I went to Pacific Grove Acupuncture and met Dr. Jacquelyn and told her my health story, it was such a relief and a refreshing change to have a health care professional listen to my body and its entire story. She did all the things an acupuncturist is supposed to do–asked for my health history, why I came that day, read my intake form, listened to my responses to her questions, checked pulse on both wrists, and looked at my tongue–not because an acupuncturist is supposed to do that but because she needed to in order to carefully consider how to treat me that day.

What I also found reassuring was that she was mentoring another student acupuncturist. Dr. Jacquelyn was being very detailed and thorough in her training of her student. Not only is it reassuring to know that Dr. Jacquelyn is a well-respected professor of Chinese Medicine, but to observe her patience and confidence with her student was also soothing for me. And, frankly, I found her instruction very interesting myself.

I have issues with migraines and I had a low-grade headache that day. Dr. Jacquelyn addressed my usual issue points–in my feet and legs, in my belly, and in my hands and wrists–but also used a needle technique directly on my head at the site of my headache to help relieve the pain that was happening now. She even discussed relief of immediate pain at its site will allow the body to also heal and balance itself out. She relayed a personal story during her time in training to become a doctor of Chinese Medicine when she had an acute headache and went to seek acupuncture at her school’s clinic. While the treatment was correct and effective–treating distal points to bring the whole body into balance to relieve the pain–it didn’t do the trick. She said how she needed relief at her headache’s site. This allowed her to consider her patients’ pain and use multiple forms and principles to treat each unique person. As she was instructing her intern, she stressed how each patient is unique and can have a combination of typical signs and symptoms and how a thorough acupuncturist will treat the patient and their unique body producing its state at the time, and not just follow the textbook. This is the attitude and method I have been seeking from a healthcare provider. Her use of the acupuncture needles directly on my headache area were like nothing I’ve ever experienced. The relief was immediate and I could feel the headache move and the pressure release with the application.

Dr. Jacquelyn allows her patients to relax in silence and dark with their needles in for on average 20 to 30 minutes. Although the lobby area can get loud and is audible from the acupuncture rooms, Dr. Jacquelyn allows multiple forms of experimental healing methods and practitioners to explain and demonstrate their methods and styles. Like a wellness marketplace. There was a healing practitioner who uses singing bowls to heal with sonic vibrations. It was fascinating and lovely to hear singing bowls ring while lying down.

I have been to many acupuncturists over the last 20 years or so and of all the medical doctors and practitioners I’ve experienced, Dr. Jacquelyn was the most concerned and best listener I have met. I know it sounds like she’s very expensive. I’ve been to acupuncturists with experience and sliding scales, and I’ve been to acupuncturists through my private insurance, and I’ve been to acupuncturists that were not associated with my insurance and I needed to pay the full price. It’s all been very pricey to continue to receive the treatment I’ve needed. Dr. Jacquelyn takes Medi-Cal. Yes, you are able to receive high-end care for state assistance costs. Here is something that does work about our government healthcare.

Dr. Jacquelyn made an incredible first impression on me and I highly recommend her service and her practice.

[lydialinker]

I started this journal because of cancer, but it's grown beyond, as have I.

Two years ago today, my friend, Stephen Stickler, died. He was six days short of his 50th birthday. He had colon cancer which spread to his liver and lungs. His Tumblr blog, Fear of Beauty, documents the two years of his life from diagnosis to death.

He was a famous photographer specializing in rockstars and Hollywood stars. You can see and purchase his work on Rock Paper Photo. Profits of sales of his work will go towards paying for his enormous medical expenses that his widow has incurred.

Upon his death, he asked that to memorialize him, if that was something anyone wanted to do, donations be made to The Big Life Foundation. This foundation saves African Elephants from poachers and helps to protect the African wildlife. Big Life was founded by a fellow photographer. You can also find amazing pictures there.

Today I’m remembering my friend, whom I miss very much, and I hope to honor his memory by taking care of myself and being generous, kind, and loving to others, an important life lesson I learned from him.

[lydialinker]

Paleo Banana Nut Muffins

Paleo Grub has a delicious recipe for banana nut muffins. These are gluten-free, grain-free, and free of dangerous seed oils. Unlike most gluten-free bread products, these muffins puff up light and airy, and they are super moist.

The flour used is 1/2 cup coconut flour, which is very absorbent, however with 4 eggs and 4 bananas and 1/2 cup of nut butter (we used half cashew and half almond) and 2 Tbsp of coconut oil, we still had a soft, moist batter. I have also stopped using baking powder and instead divide the amount into four with one of the fourths being baking soda and two of the fourths being cream of tartar. The last fourth is the corn starch which is only needed to store the baking powder and keep it from reacting with itself. You don't even need to add potato starch or tapioca starch. At 1 tsp of baking soda and 1 tsp of baking powder (which I substituted 1/4 tsp baking soda and 1/2 tsp cream of tartar), it might be a lot of baking soda. My guy could taste these rising agents, but I could not. I'm also afraid of adjusting and losing the fluffy rise.

I also followed Paleo Grub's suggestion of preheating the oven 15-degrees hotter than called for (375-degrees) and then before putting the muffins in, bringing it down to the appropriate 350-degrees. Our oven runs hot, so 20 minutes was plenty. In fact, 15 minutes worked for the smaller second batch. Additionally, I filled the first batch, the 20-minute batch, higher than advised, and the second, 15-minute batch was at a more accurate fill to what the recipe suggested.

We topped our muffins with cashews rather than walnuts. Walnuts are very high in Omega-6, which is what most seed oils are very high in. These are your PUFAs or polyunsaturated fats. In order to have a healthy diet, you need a balance of Omega-6 and Omega-3. Most of your Omega-3 is found in fish. In American culture, we don't eat as much fish as we intake Omega-6 foods, so we're mostly imbalanced. Nuts have different ratios of Omega-6 and Omega-3. Walnuts are mostly Omega-6 and very little Omega-3. Cashews, on the other hand, are the highest Omega-3 nut, with almonds right behind them. These muffins have such a balanced amount of nutrients, I would strongly advise not using walnuts in them.

Finally, my favorite thing about these muffins is that there is no added sugar. With four bananas, you've got a lot of fructose sugar already in there. No need for added sugars. And they come out tasting sweet. I'm finding bananas are my favorite baking sweetener. When recipes call for sugar, I've been adding just a touch of honey along with a banana. With this recipe, I've proven to myself that even the touch of honey is not needed to make a sweet treat sweet.

Enjoy these muffins for breakfast or as a dessert.

[lydialinker]

Anatomy of a Migraine

I woke up this morning feeling awful. Maybe I didn’t drink enough water last night. The house was hot last night so we opened all the windows and turned the fans on full blast and went to sleep that way. Now, in the morning, it’s a little too much wind and it’s loud.

Starting my morning ritual, boiling water for matcha and making a strong cup of the tea. But first, let me drink my ginger tea from last night. I forgot I put a drop of Wellness Formula in it. That’s something new I added this week, the Wellness Formula. Acupuncturist recommended I boost my immune system. Oh, I need to pee.

Ugh, muscles are super tight. My neck is very tight. The hot water steam feels good. Wish I could relax my face and neck muscles a little. Lots of tension up here. Maybe I’m worried I’m going to slip into a migraine so I’m working as fast as I can to stop it. Getting the tea ready. It’s too hot to drink. Maybe I’m still tired. Should I have gotten up yet? Yeah, I needed to drink something.

Ok, let’s just do the acupressure points and try to stop my head from throbbing. Definitely have a big tired and dehydrated headache. Man, hitting these pressure points feels good, but it also hurts and causes tension in other places. I just want to rub my entire head and scalp, then my eyebrows and bridge of nose. That feels good, but it’s not enough relief and not long enough attention and rubbing of those areas. But my neck and shoulders are so tight. Let me do my neck points. That feels good, except now I’m feeling nauseous. I need to hit my nausea point. Some relief, but I can’t do anything else.

Nausea is intense and building. Oh man, I think I should poop. Yes, I definitely am having a bowel movement. That’s good. It’s very early for that. But I also kinda feel like throwing up in the toilet too. Ok, let me take my nausea medication after pooping.

Maybe the nausea meds made it worse? I feel terrible. I need to get my stomach calm so I can take my migraine medication. But I don’t think I can wait until my stomach calms. I need to lie down. Everything is tense and I’m feeling very cold. I just want all my muscles to relax, but everything is tensing up from the nausea and the cold and the head pain and I’m panicking. I can’t stop groaning. Everything feels awful. I just want to cry.

Ok, I need to throw up. I’m coughing hard because my belly feels terrible. Let me just go over the toilet and throw up. This first attempt is not happening. At least I’m spitting over the toilet. There’s just nothing in my stomach to come up. Well, except for the nausea medication. I don’t want that to come up, but I need relief from this nausea that can only come with vomiting.

Let’s try a second time trying to throw up. Lying down for a bit just brought the nausea back stronger. This time should produce something. And, yes, thank god, a lot of water and bile. I know, why is bile in my stomach? This usually happens when I’ve got bad migraine nausea. At least my stomach can relax a little now.

Lying down again. Gotta take the migraine medication. Get that in. Oh, the fans are off. That’s good. It was too much wind and too much sound. I’ve gotta calm my body. I need more rest. Let me put my eye mask on. Day is starting to break and it’s getting very light. I can relax my forehead if I wear my eye mask. Trying to breathe deeply and calm down. Maybe sleep will come.

Wow, I think I was out for an hour and a half. I’ve got some plain ginger tea waiting for me and it’s the perfect temperature. Let me take a shower and eat some rice porridge my sweetheart made for me. So much better.

Let’s review what was different last night and this week that might have created this perfect storm of migraine.

I had acupuncture this week. The acupuncture was amazing. It also probably stirred everything up inside.

I’ve been taking that Wellness Formula. Just an added difference.

I had a very stressful and upsetting encounter at work with a close coworker. I’m having a hard time letting go of it. I can feel it affect me mentally and physically. My muscle tension has increased.

I had multiple meals in restaurants. For those meals, I had no control over how they were cooked and I know I ate things that I shouldn’t be eating like wheat/gluten and seed oils. For the past two months I have been cooking for myself for every meal. No take-out or delivery and no frozen or prepared foods.

Last night I had some beer. I did not have a lot, maybe five sips, but I don’t normally drink alcohol and beer is a wheat/gluten food.

Last night I also was up late watching a movie. I don’t normally look at screens of light after dinner, but I was finishing a blog post first and then watched a two-hour long movie. That’s a lot of screen time.

I only drank some tea before falling asleep. I needed to drink more room-temperature, plain water. I didn’t drink enough hydrating liquids.

I was cold. Although it’s summer time in the middle of dry California, I was not wearing enough clothes at nighttime to feel a comfortable temperature. 

I was tired. I crashed right away once in bed, which happened straight after getting home from watching a movie. I was too tired to wind down. I probably should have been in bed earlier in order to wind down before falling asleep.

There’s probably more, but these are the ones that stood out. I could feel my body reacting to these stressors. I’m still trying to understand how stress works and how it happens and how our bodies react to stress.

Although I knocked out the migraine, I am very tired and have a residual headache. I wanted to get these thoughts down before I lost them, but I don’t think sitting in front of this screen is helping me right now. Off to nap and rest my head.

[lydialinker]

It took me a year to finally see this movie. I truly am a huge Nick Cave fan. I see him whenever he comes to town. I feel like I let him down this time because this movie toured and opened around the world in 2016 and I was laid up in bed after surgery when it came around to San Francisco. I am finally out of the monastery and have access to the great wide open of Internet connection. I rented One More Time With Feeling from the Apple Store as soon as I could. This music documentary film is mostly in black and white with lots of interviews and lots of music. It follows Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds recording the 2015 album Skeleton Tree. For those familiar with Nick Cave's music, these later albums like Push the Sky Away and Skeleton Tree are haunting collaborations that speak fully to the musical relationship between Nick Cave and Warren Ellis. Throughout One More Time With Feeling, you can see the way the music comes forth from these musical minds, not only amidst the deep respect and friendship between Nick Cave and Warren Ellis, but also amongst all of The Bad Seeds. Although Nick Cave is its frontman, the entire storm of creation builds from each and every musician and member of this group. It's less of individuals playing their part and more of one being creating sound and emotion that pulls you, the listener and viewer, into its energetic eye. This documentary is particularly emotional to watch because not long before the start of filming, Nick Cave's eldest son perished from a drug-related accident. This was the reason Nick Cave did not tour that year. Instead, he filmed this movie to share with his fans. This is the most bare any of us public has seen Nick Cave. Although details of Arthur Cave's death are never detailed in the movie, his loss is felt throughout. The Bad Seeds talk of their sadness and connection to Nick's family, and essentially we see them as another part of Nick's family. Susie Bick, Nick Cave's wife, is fully seen and shares her work and her emotions throughout the movie as well. Normally Nick Cave keeps his family and family life very private, and this behind the scenes look at everyone is like taking a peek into the back bedrooms and bathrooms of the host couple of a really fancy house party. Even the documentarians voice their awkward discomfort at times in the interviews. As a huge fan of Nick Cave, I felt appreciative of this open look into his life and also a little uncomfortable, like was I really invited in? But he made this movie for his fans, in place of a tour, so yes, this movie and this look at Nick Cave and his family and the album Skeleton Tree was for me and it is for you. Many have criticized the Skeleton Tree album as being one note and rather flat. Where's the growth after Push the Sky Away? Admittedly, it does sound like a sad continuation of Push the Sky Away, but Nick Cave addresses this in his movie. I think the pain and suddenness of his great loss just kept Skeleton Tree in its entirety this one long keen. Nick Cave says himself that he just can't get to the polished layers that are indicative of his music and songs. Everything is really raw, and I think that after watching this movie, I can understand that and really appreciate it for what it is. Nick Cave is not for everyone, but for those of us that love him he is a man, he is a god, he is a guru. You will want to join him in his sadness and his joy, One More Time, With Feeling.

[lydialinker]

Thoughts on Emptiness

Early in the morning, there is so little light, maybe the moon if it's full to half. When I'm up at this early hour, everything is the same color, almost black and white, or more blue and gray. That's how illuminating light is; it allows us to see more information about the world around us. But is it more information? It's just light reflecting off of surfaces and molecules in different ways. Does that really make things different? In the dark, with less light, we are of the same family. There is no distinguishing me from you, or me from the life outside the window, or me from the room I sit in. One important teaching in Zen Buddhism is a very difficult concept to grasp because it's intangible. This is that the relative truth and the absolute truth are both true and happening at the same time. What that means is that our relative reality, the world around us that we see and feel and smell and taste, is truly happening. We can prove it to ourselves by touching it, seeing it, hearing it, tasting it, smelling it, and conceptualizing it. In using our senses, though, we inevitably look at the world around us as outside of myself. It is separate from me because I am using my senses and that object is obviously not inside me or part of me, so therefore there is a distinct difference between me and the world around me. However, the absolute truth in Buddhism is that there is no difference between me and the world around me. Our senses are not a reliable source of information. The truth is what Zen calls "emptiness." No separation between me and you, between me and the world outside the window, between me and the room. In one of my favorite writings translated as The Harmony of Difference and Equality, it says, "In the light there is darkness, but don't take it as darkness. In the dark there is light, but don't see it as light." The light here refers to the relative truth, the world we see around us, and the darkness refers to the absolute truth, that everything is not separate. Each exist in both. Early in the morning, when there is very little light, everything looks the same color. My hands look the same as the tree outside the window. I and the tree are of the same substance. We become distinct with light and my perception. Both realities are true. Even with light, just because my eyes separate me from the tree, I am still of the same substance as the tree. The absolute truth of all of us and everything existing as one, connected underneath all of our perceptions, is the way to universal harmony. If I remember that there is no difference between me and the person I am angry with, maybe I can lessen my anger by empathizing with them, realizing that hurting them is the same as hurting me, and letting go of the anger.

[lydialinker]

Coffee or Tea

I drink too much coffee. I need the caffeine. In fact, I think I’m addicted to caffeine. I’m trying to wean off the coffee. I think tea is fine. I rarely drink black tea; I mostly drink green tea, matcha preferably. But sometimes I feel it’s not enough caffeine.

I get these headaches. Actually, I mostly always have a headache and I want to keep that headache from turning into a migraine. My migraines are debilitating. Although I’ve gotten so used to them that I no longer get the thought, “Just kill me. Put me out of my misery.” Maybe that’s not true. The thought of death would flash in my throbbing mind, and somewhere in there my logic and reasoning wouldn’t have yet gone on hiatus, and I would have a next thought of, “No, I’m not ready to die right now, but this pain is really unbearable.” I can’t even describe the pain of migraines with any accuracy. They are more than headaches, which is one of those obvious statements to those who have experienced a migraine even once. Let me just say that no one, especially me, ever wants to remain in bed for 48 hours at a time, in muted darkness, needing to remain hydrated with plain water yet barely able to keep more than a few sips of water down. I’ll want to lie still so the pain in my head can remain at its flat-line level, but even the movement of one breath will jar that sensation into a spike, or spikes of head pain and brain pain. I want a magic pill or some medication to take for the migraines, but when it starts or I find myself in it, the thought of swallowing anything causes me to retch. There is medication, prescription and over-the-counter, that I take and works for me, but you need to take these meds at the start or before the start of the migraine for them to be effective. Mostly if nausea is a main symptom of migraine, I can’t imagine asking someone to try to keep medication down in the midst of severe nausea. Obviously, if you vomit up the medication, it’s not going to work. That’s my belief as to why these types of migraine medications say to only take at the onset of the migraine or else it doesn’t work. But I’ve also had multiple doctors tell me that these medications just don’t work very well at all.

Caffeine is a standard, accessible first action to relieving migraine pain. Not only is caffeine a stimulant that helps most of us wake up during the day whenever we start to feel drowsy, but it is also a vasodilator which opens up the blood vessels, which can be a relief for headache pain. The over the counter medication, Excedrine Migraine contains 65 mg of caffeine per dose of two pills. For some perspective on caffeine content, a 7-oz cup of drip coffee contains between 115 mg and 175 mg (depending on the bean and the roast), a 2-oz shot of espresso contains about 100 mg, and a 6-oz cup of tea (black, green, and other types steeped for three minutes) contains between 22 mg and 72 mg. (See Wikipedia for reference)

Matcha tea is a powder of crushed tea leaves. Ceremonial matcha is hot water added to a serving of powder, so drinking this tea is ingesting the tea leaves directly. Other forms of tea are steeped for a period of time, usually a few minutes on average, which allows the tea leaf flavor and caffeine to infuse the hot water. This difference is why matcha typically has more caffeine than other teas, including black tea. According to gomatcha.com ceremonial matcha contains 68 mg caffeine per cup as compared to a cup of steeped green tea which contains approximately 30 mg caffeine per cup. Drinking a cup of matcha for headache pain and vasodilation is much like taking two Excedrine Migraine.

Decaf coffee also contains caffeine, although obviously not as much as regular coffee. There is an extraction process on the green coffee beans before roasting that removes much, but not all, of the caffeine. There are three natural ways of lessening the caffeine content of coffee beans. According to Scientific American, the first method uses water and activated charcoal. This method is the least precise method and generally extracts 94 to 96 percent of the caffeine. The second method is a direct solvent, usually methylene chloride, coffee oil, or ethyl acetate. This method extracts 96 to 97 percent of the caffeine from the coffee bean. And finally, supercritical carbon dioxide decaffeination uses pressure with carbon dioxide gas to remove 96 to 98 percent of the beans’ caffeine content. What this means is that your average cup (7 oz) of decaf coffee contains 5 to 15 mg of caffeine.

Now factor in what my stomach can take. The coffee, whether caffeinated or decaffeinated, is really hard on my stomach. There are very tough oils from the bean that can aggravate the nausea from migraine, and even upset my stomach to the point of inducing migraine pain. Tea has a different effect on my stomach. Perhaps this is the deciding factor. Just choose the matcha tea and drink enough of that to relieve the headache pain. But, drinking the equivalent in caffeine of matcha or any tea will also wreak havoc on my belly.

What to do? I love drinking both coffee and tea. The ritual of drinking a warm beverage while relaxing with a good book is highly meditative and motivating for me. My brain gets turned on and enjoys processing this information at its own pace, on its own schedule.

I still want to reduce my coffee intake. In fact, I think the amount of coffee I drink is not healthy. My desire is to reach for coffee over tea. I’m conditioned to think it has more caffeine and therefore will eliminate my headache. But frankly, I enjoy the ritual so much that I find myself drinking multiple cups of coffee, switching to decaf to justify the number of cups, as I would drink cups of tea. Maybe I think my matcha is so pricey that I shouldn’t be drinking multiple cups every day in order to save my budget from taking a beating it can’t afford. Maybe that’s just an excuse to reach for coffee. It’s a dilemma. I think I need a cup of something right now to continue to ponder this choice. I really want a cup of decaf coffee. Maybe I should opt for the matcha instead.

[lydialinker]

Unexpected

I love this photo mostly because I don't think I was trying to take a photo. I was looking at my phone and although I can't remember what exactly I was doing, looking up an email or a location?, I'm pretty sure I was not trying to take a photo. And there's my guy, sneaking up on me and making a face. I had no idea he was closing in on me, and there I go accidentally taking a photo. How this all happened, I have no idea.

[lydialinker]

Laundress Tan

I do laundry all day and I hang it out to dry by the sun. I definitely have a sandal tan from my great summer work shoes. But my feet are so dirty at the end of the day, I can't tell if I'm getting more tan/burnt by the intense sun rays, or if that's just a day's worth of dusty dirt coating my feet.

[lydialinker]

Kidney Prep: A Test of the Mind and Nose

I like trying new things and I’m always up for learning something new. Yesterday I prepared beef kidney for a stew for dinner for two. We are interested in getting the wide variety of nutrients we miss from only eating the same cuts of meat. Additionally, it’s important to us to honor the being that is feeding us by utilizing the entire animal. Offal cuts are cheaper because there is less demand, and probably by purchasing these unwanted cuts, there is less consumption of cattle. Always choose grass-fed, especially with offal, and especially with kidneys and liver as these are the body’s cleansing and detoxifying organs. Remember that.

Kidney, as with liver, needs at least a couple of hours to soak in a bath of something that releases all the toxins that were still in the animal at the time of slaughter. I’ve been soaking liver in milk which makes it a lot more palatable. I found beef kidney cleaning instructions on livestrong.com that looked good. It calls for soaking the kidney meat in water with either a little white vinegar or lemon juice added for two hours. That sounded pretty safe to me, especially with the added acid.

I figured I should start the prep after lunch so that we could make a nice stew that will have, er, stewed for a long time and still eat dinner before it gets late. Trying to be conscientious of natural human biorhythms means being asleep by sundown and eating your last meal at least a couple of hours before then. I started prepping at around 1:30 pm.

We had purchased a frozen package of beef kidney. It had thawed in the fridge overnight. I cut open the package and drained the liquid, then slid the kidney onto my meat cutting board. It smelled bad. It smelled like someone had urinated nearby and the urine had gone stale. I read the instructions to cut the outer membrane away, but upon inspection of my beef kidney, I couldn’t find a membrane on the outside. I was feeling squeamish about handling the meat, so I just kept turning it and inspecting it to get a little more comfortable and familiar. The smell wasn’t super strong but it was off-putting. I’ve sat next to dirty homeless people on the bus and although not enjoyable to smell such a stench with each inhale, I feel like I can manage a bus ride. That person is the one who has to live with the smell. They can’t be happy about that either. I feel for these people.

Not being able to find a membrane, I moved on to slicing “the kidneys in half, lengthwise. Cut out and discard the round lump of white fat in the center of each kidney half.” I wasn’t sure if I was looking at more than one kidney. Is it common to refer to one kidney as “the kidneys”? I know humans have two kidneys but I’m not sure of the anatomy of a cow. My kidney was open and revealed the white fat inside, so I thought I didn’t need to cut it in half. I just started cutting the fat away from the kidney.

Never having done this before, I wasn’t sure how thorough to be. Maybe this fat was part of the membrane I hadn’t removed? So I was being very precise and delicate about removing just the fat and not disturbing the organ part. However, as I started gently removing the fat, I noticed how deep the fat reached into the kidney. It required me digging in with my knife and fingers to sever all the sinewy fat fingers that wrapped themselves deeply into the kidney organ pods. As I cut into the organ itself, that terrible urine stench would come up into my face. I wasn’t going to vomit, but I did exclaim, “Dear Lord! That is bad!” The work was slow going and extremely stinky. I became more and more frustrated as I hadn’t managed to remove any fat. I started to inspect the fat and it was this one big long bundle of sinew and ligament-like fat strings covered in fatty globs. There was no way to extract it from inside the kidney housing, so I finally cut the entire kidney in half, lengthwise. More urine stench arose.

I realized my facial muscles were getting tired from making the scowl of concentration that I couldn’t relax. It was the only way my face could bare the smell and keep working. I was now hacking away at this stupid piece of “fat” that was less fat and more embedded internal bits. And the more I hacked, the more I was decimating the meat which released more smell. The scene was gruesome. I had kidney all over my hands and knife. My face was a scowl. I was fatigued, I didn’t know how much longer I could stand and concentrate so deeply and be in the smell. I was getting lazy with the knife. I looked at the clock and it was 2:12 pm. I had been working on this for 45-minutes and I hadn’t even removed my first piece of fat! I screamed and cried and exclaimed about the smell and cursed the stupid piece of meat with all kinds of unladylike and un-Buddhist monk-like expletives. I’m not sure what the neighbors thought, but I didn’t care. I’m sure they could also see me through the kitchen window screaming and crying and wielding the knife.

I wanted to stop doing this task, at least take a break, but I also wanted it to be done so it could start soaking in its vinegar bath. I didn’t plan on it taking so long. Looking at the clock and looking at my diminutive progress raised my anxiety level like a mercury thermometer on a sweltering hot day. In fact, I was sweating. I had to just finish this task. I sloppily cut the smallest half of fat out of its kidney casing. I hurled it angrily into the sink. Fuck you, fat! I butchered the other, larger fat half by halving it again into a more accessible chunk. I had to sever more of the kidney meat, which meant more stench rising from the gore on my cutting board. I finished with the smaller chunk and hurled it into the sink, and finally removed the largest chunk of disgusting kidney fat and threw it with all my remaining might into the sink with a scream.

I rinsed the kidney meat in cold water because it was so messy. I then had to chop it up into 1 1/2-inch pieces. I did this as quickly as I possibly could, not only because my patience had long since departed for a nap, but because it smelled like a urinal. After washing my hands, again, I created the bath by filling a bowl with cold water and dumping a splash of white vinegar and some shakes of salt into the water. Then I placed all the meat in the bowl and put the bowl in the fridge for a couple of hours.

I returned to the sink for clean-up. I did not compost the fat. I thought it was too horrid for even compost. I just stuck it in the garbage along with the plastic packaging. I washed my knife and board, then I washed my hands, again. I went to lie down and either nap or read. My mind was so agitated, I needed something to calm down.

When my guy came home, I was still upset from the whole experience. I told him about the horrible smell and how it took an hour to prep the thing. It had soaked for two-hours by then, which was a relief. He offered to make the stew because I was obviously traumatized by the kidney cleaning experience. I tried to participate and help and actually make the stew, but I had such bad feelings towards the kidney meat and the memory of the smell was embedded in my nostrils that I just became angry and irritated at every attempt to make the stew. I couldn’t do it. I snapped at my partner on every little thing. The thought of actually eating this meat was revolting to me. I wound up going into the other room and shutting my eyes.

I fell in and out of sleep. I stayed out of the kitchen physically and mentally. I just stopped responding to what was happening around me. My sweet man came in to get me when the stew was finished. I must admit, the smells coming from the kitchen were delicious smelling and did not smell anything like what was happening in there a few hours before. But I couldn’t eat. In fact, I was so upset I just wanted to go to bed. I prepared for bed around 6:30 pm. I read and slept without eating dinner. I couldn’t stomach it. I slept soundly that night, and when I woke up at 5:00 am, I was still residually angry. It took my whole morning regimen up until showering to slowly let go of all that anger and anxiety and stress. I don’t know if that’s because of the shear enormity of agitation I felt doing this horrible and disgusting task, or if maybe it’s toxic to smell all that kidney odor for an extended period of time. Stresses can come from a variety of sources and I believe we can reduce our stress by staying clear of the stresses that we can choose to stay clear from.

I still haven’t tried the stew. I’m sure it’s delicious. I’m not feeling I can stomach it still. Might be too soon. I really don’t want to buy more beef kidney, even if he promised to prep it next time. I don’t like feeling angry and anxious. I’ll keep you posted on when I’m able to try eating the kidney.

[lydialinker]

Fun, fast, enjoyable read. At 376 pages, each chapter is a short teaser article length, as each chapter was an ongoing serial installment in the San Francisco Chronicle. This first book in a series is a wonderful introduction to 1970s San Francisco. Although each chapter is an entire adventure in itself which keeps you wondering what happens next, the book as a whole is a complete story, start to finish, that leaves you wondering what happens next for these characters. Although I'm about to start reading the second book of More Tales of the City, I'd be satisfied with where I've left these people without reading it. Armisted Maupin has a very pop culture (of the time) way of describing everything. Having lived in San Francisco from the mid-90s to the mid 2010s, I fully identified with each and every description, from landmarks that remain (Transamerica Building) to landmarks that have changed dramatically (Beach Chalet) to landmarks that no longer exist (bathhouse on Eighth and Howard). Maupin also details each character's look and mannerisms giving us the perfect image of the person, and he does so with exaggeration, poking fun, and great love. Although I'm not as uptight or clean-cut as the first main character, Mary Ann, for anyone who has ventured to San Francisco and lived there for a period of time, we all have experienced the aversion and attraction that San Francisco exudes very similar to Mary Ann's experience. Sometimes Mary Ann's story is hard to read because her feelings cut a little too close to ones I've had, but that discomfort is welcome as it shows how aptly Maupin portrays his characters and the city. I myself am not a gay man, nor am I a fag hag, but what I know of the LGBTIQQ movement (although at the time was not called this) is portrayed rather accurately for the time. Before Harvey Milk and before AIDS, being gay in San Francisco had many faces and I think all of these were represented fully in the book. We see the social struggle from the perspective of the out gay man, from the closeted and married gay man, and the closeted professional gay man. Not to mention a number of dabbling, bi, questioning, and in denial men and women. If you want to know what life in San Francisco is like, read this book. Although it is of a different era, the heart of San Francisco remains apparent from the story to the actual place.

[lydialinker]

Fast & Furious Movies | OWN IT NOW 4K ULTRA HD, BLU-RAY, DVD & DIGITAL HD ALSO AVAILABLE ON DEMAND.

Official movie site for The Fate of the Furious, the next installment in the Fast and Furious franchise. Watch the trailer here. OWN IT NOW 4K ULTRA HD, BLU-RAY, DVD & DIGITAL HD ALSO AVAILABLE ON DEMAND.

Movie Review: The Fate of the Furious

I finally saw the eighth installment of the Fast and Furious franchise. I missed opening day in the theaters, which I’m embarrassed to admit because I’ve seen each one in the theaters at least by opening weekend. However, I did rent it the first day it was available. I had no idea I was so tense these few months from not being able to know what the fate of the furious family was.

The movie itself delivers on all accounts. It is a fully satisfying action movie if any of these actors are your favorites to watch: Vin Diesel, Dwayne Johnson, Jason Statham, Charlize Theron, Kurt Russel, Michelle Rodriguez, Ludacris, Tyrese Gibson, Helen Mirren. I love all these actors, especially Vin Diesel. I will watch all of Vin Diesel’s movies and so far I’ve enjoyed all of his big hit, multiple chronicle stories (Fast & Furious, Pitch Black, and xXx), not to mention The Pacifier, which I love every time I get to watch it.

The hardest thing to watch about Fate of the Furious, for me was Charlize Theron. I was distracted by how different her face looks from how I remember her in The Italian Job (also one of my favorites and it’s got cars!). I never warmed up to her character either. Yes, she plays a bad guy that I’m not supposed to warm up to, but I never was fully attracted to Cipher’s evilness.

I was tickled to listen to all of Dwayne Johnson’s lines. His character, Hobbs, was introduced in Fast 5, and he has been consistent throughout with his quick and ridiculous repartee.

Helen Mirren’s presence was an unexpected surprise, playing Jason Statham’s mum. And Jason Statham was wonderful to watch, especially in his fight scenes.

And of course, Vin Diesel’s Dom, constantly struggling to do anything for family, no matter what it might look like. Even facing off with his team, he kept his and our spirit, hope, and understanding alive that he hadn’t fully gone rogue.

I’m disappointed that the movie ended open with an invitation of a ninth installment. I have no interest in seeing Cipher find the value in family and wind up joining the team. I was fully ready to leave the Fast & Furious movies after this one post Paul Walker’s sadly unfortunate death. I did not like the throw away “We are not involving Brian and Mia in this!” to account for the couple’s obvious absence. We know Brian is never appearing again. We don’t need an excuse for it. And frankly, it’s impossible to continue showing us the world of Fast & Furious without Brian. Here’s my plea:

Dear Vin Diesel:

I love you. I love watching your movies. I have loved watching all the Fast & Furious movies. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to watch Fate of the Furious before it was out for rental. Now that I have seen it, it fully satisfied my need for everything fast and furious. I think we all missed Paul Walker in this one, but felt his spirit went with the movie. I’m not sure that this would be possible for future Fast & Furious movies. Please let the Fast & Furious universe go and remain with Paul Walker. Thank you for giving us a wonderful conclusion.

Your adoring fan,

Lydia

[lydialinker]

Morning Ritual

My bedtime is 9:00 pm and my wake-up time is 5:00 am. Of course, every evening and day I get to bed earlier or later and wake up earlier or later (ok, rarely do I wake up before my alarm). I need this schedule, and in fact I think it’s healthy for humans to be on a regular sleep schedule. I need this schedule more so now than before. At least I can see how much my body needs this regulation now than before. I had hysterectomy surgery last fall (2016).

My body has been struggling ever since surgery. My muscles are much weaker now. I’ve always been very focused on and reliant on my core muscles and core strength, and here they are, atrophied and weak. The surgery itself as well as the anesthetic drugs and the narcotic drugs (prescribed for post-surgery pain management) have wreaked havoc on my already delicate digestive system. And the surgery exacerbated my migraines to the point of having a headache every day that I try to keep from blossoming into a migraine. I need relief from all these difficulties, but I’m exhausted by the healthcare system.

Here’s what I do every day to keep me appearing to function normally to the outside world:

1. Turn off alarm. Check in with my body about how sleepy it is. Lie in bed and shut eyes if very sleepy. Get up and put on PJs. Use the bathroom.

2. Make a cup of tea. Boil water, spoon matcha into tea bowl, add hot water, whisk. Take tea bowl with me to meditation cushion.

3. Pull out zabuton and zafu. Sit cross-legged. Start touching acupressure points in silence with eyes closed. I go through a series of acupressure points all over my body that are reachable and designed to do on oneself. These points are for chronic fatigue, migraines and headaches, neck pain, shoulder pain, low-back pain, constipation and diarrhea. I hold each point for 60 seconds and I count each second. I start with as many as I need before drinking tea. (Read this book: Acupressure’s Potent Points)

4. In the middle of the acupressure points, I will stop and sit in a chair and drink tea. Sometimes I’ll hold points while drinking tea, but mostly I take the time to finish the tea peacefully as it is now at a drinkable temperature.

5. Finish remaining pressure points. After the last points, I sit silently in meditation for a minute or five.

6. Hopefully I get the urge to go to the bathroom now.

7. Exercise. I get out my yoga mat and then start the warm-up and complete the series of 31 movements of Jikyo Jutsu. This is a Japanese exercise style that is a full-body gentle, yet heart-moving work-out. In my observation, it combines tapping pressure points, breath work, qi-gong movement, pilates exercises, and yoga positions. I feel it gently exercises and massages my internal organs as well as rebuilds my muscles, especially my core muscles.

8. If I didn’t have the urge to poop before, hopefully I do that now. This is also the time I brush my teeth and then take a shower. I usually take hot showers because I think my internal body temperature runs cold.

9. Get dressed for the day. I usually put my hair up at this time. I don’t like keeping my hair up because it contributes to headache pain. But I’m about to cook in the kitchen and handle food.

10. Cook breakfast. I usually make a well-rounded breakfast for two. We try to follow The Perfect Health Diet. We usually eat our daily allotment of three eggs at breakfast. We have a starch with it. I like rice porridge with cinnamon, ginger, and fruit. He likes potatoes, which I usually cook in a hash with onions and peppers. Top everything with cheese, tomatoes, and avocado. Today was a special day, we had tapioca pudding sweetened with banana, topped with blueberries. Yum! Plus scrambled eggs with onion and a not too hot chili pepper. I’m also a fan of the yogurt breakfast. We’ve been perfecting our yogurt recipe.

11. Enjoy breakfast with tea. I’ve been drinking more coffee lately, which is good for my head, but not for my belly. I do like another caffeinated, warm beverage at this time. When eating breakfast, I just eat. No reading or writing while eating. After breakfast, I take my supplements which include magnesium, so hopefully I will use the bathroom again after breakfast.

12. Clean up. I take my time scrubbing the dishes clean. I enjoy doing the dishes. It’s a quiet process for me. I will also put my bag lunch together while doing the dishes and putting away leftovers. It’s a good time because all the utensils are out.

13. Water the plants. It might be a little late to water the plants at this time. I try to water them before 9:00 am. I probably should water them before 8:00 am, but the sun is so strong this time of year that it doesn’t matter too much. I like watching these little guys grow.

14. Read and write. This is usually the personal time before I pack up to go to work. If I didn’t have a tea or coffee during breakfast, I will have one now. I’ll write a blog post, or at least start one, and/or read my pleasure reading material. Both of these activities are stress-relieving activities for me and I can feel my brain and mind relax and release.

15. Last things before I leave the house. One last bathroom visit, sunscreen application, fill water bottle, pack bag, grab hat, put on shoes, go out the door.

[lydialinker]

Resurrection of the Fuchsia

Finally getting the right amount of water.

At first I was giving this beautiful plant a lot of water every morning. Then I noticed its leaves were browning a lot. I stopped watering it, and then almost half the plant and its branches withered to a brittle tan. Maybe this was more the change in season and weather with a hotter California sun singing it rather than my intervention.

I started giving it 2 quarts of water every day. It was enough to run through the bottom of the pot. I’ve heard a plant gets enough water when it starts to run out the bottom. Not sure if that’s true or why. With the 2 quarts, the fuchsia started sprouting green leaves again. We pruned the dead branches to help it along.

After weeks of this, the fuchsia started to look unhappy again with leaves yellowing and browning from the inside out. I cut back to 1 quart a day. I stopped hearing the water run through the bottom of the pot. And a couple of weeks later, she’s blooming again. Sweet fuchsia.

[lydialinker]

At the Office: Third Call

It’s well after lunch now, at that midday slump time. I used to get a soda from the machine at the magazine office around this time. The sugar and the caffeine were the pick-me-up I needed to make it through the rest of the day. I’ve long since stopped drinking sodas and there’s no machine here. Too much unnecessary electricity to use on a machine that no one would use and, even more importantly, no one would come out here to maintain.

The phone has been ringing a lot today. Here it is again.

“This is Tassajara.”

“Hi. Yeah, I need you to get a message to S. He’s a driver. He’s a very good friend of mine and I’m worried about him. It’s urgent he call me. Can you send that message in to him? Please have him call me right away.”

“Yes, I’ll send the message in. I’ll do that right now. As you know, the person you’re trying to get ahold of might not see the message right away. Just letting you know he might not call you right back if he hasn’t seen his message posted on the message board.”

“I know. I just need him to call me. There are some bad things happening over there and I’m very worried. They are keeping things from me and they are keeping my friends away from me. This is native land and I’m part Native American and they’re keeping me from my land. I have a right to be there. There are dark forces working against good, compassionate people, like me, and those of us being conspired against, we need to come together and work together to stop these dark forces. They are coming into my home and taking my money and ruining my things. Did you know that people are coming into my home and ripping and slashing up my clothes? It’s true. My things are being destroyed, right in my home. And I have children and they don’t want me to be with my children, so I have to fight them all the time, every day. I’m just so tired of fighting the dark forces all the time. I need help. We’ve got to work together to stop the dark forces. They’re everywhere. Soon there will be more bad people than the rest of us good people. We can’t let them keep us down. I’ve got to talk to my friends. I’ve got to help my friends because I know that bad things are happening over there. You know, they are trying to keep me away from my very good friend T. We met there a few weeks back and we have been trying to connect over the phone, but my phone was stolen, so I don’t have my phone or any of my contacts. I know T very well and I need to get ahold of him. Is he there? I need to get a message to him.”

“I’m sorry but as far as I know he is not here and I don’t have any forwarding information for him. I, personally haven’t seen him in a year.”

“Well I know he was there recently and they’re trying to keep me away from him. Maybe he’s not there now, but I know he was there. We connected and had a bonding experience.”

“I’m not sure about before because I’ve been sick, but I know he’s not here now and I don’t know where he is.”

“You’re sick? See, they’re trying to hurt us. I’m so sorry you’ve been sick. We have to work together to stop them from continuing to hurt us. Just please get that message in to S and I know you’re one of the good people and we need to stop them from hurting us.

“Yes, I’ll be sure S gets the message. I’m sending it right now.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Ok, bye now.”

“Bye.”

[lydialinker]

Book Review: The Memory Keeper's Daughter

The Memory Keeper's Daughter by Kim Edwards is a 400 page fiction novel. It follows the lives and relationships of four main characters: David, doctor and husband to Norah; Norah, David's wife; Caroline, David's assistant nurse; and later in the novel Paul becomes a voice and perspective, Paul being David and Norah's son. The story starts in 1964 with a very pregnant Norah going into labor in the middle of an unusual snowstorm in Kentucky. David, who is not an OB/GYN specialist, becomes Norah's emergency doctor with Caroline as his assistant. Norah's pain is so great she is put under sedation. Paul is born first, a healthy newborn boy. Unexpectedly, there is a twin, a girl, who is born shortly thereafter. It is obvious to David that this baby girl, Phoebe, is not similarly healthy as Paul. Phoebe is born with Down syndrome. David makes the fateful decision to send Phoebe away to an institution. He instructs Caroline to take her away and leave her at this institution. When Caroline arrives at the institution, she is horrified by the conditions that the patients appear to be living under and makes the next fateful decision to run away and raise Phoebe as her own. These two choices shape the lives and relationships of all five of these people as described over the next twenty-five years.

Kim Edwards skillfully portrays the lives, feelings, and choices of humans through these varied characters. Her ability to convey the struggles and pressures of men and women in the mid to late twentieth-century, of youth and middle-age and old-age, and of the prejudices against Down syndrome, all point to this time in our history being a facade on the surface with a lot more pain and complexity going on underneath.

I kept hearing Cat Stevens's Cat's in the Cradle song running through my head, especially reading the relationship between David and his son Paul grow throughout the book. Such misunderstanding between the both of them was painful to read, and yet I could understand why both characters were feeling and doing what they were. I grew up at the time of the novel too, and I felt a lot of identification with the characters and the times.

I found it interesting that the title refers to Phoebe, the girl who was given away, and yet we never read from her perspective. I think it's very challenging though to convey her thoughts from her voice and Edwards rather conveys all of Phoebe's struggles through Caroline whose life is so intermingled with Phoebe's.

I enjoyed reading this book and found myself making more time to sit and read because I was so invested in these people's lives. If you like books that focus on characters and the human condition, you will enjoy The Memory Keeper's Daughter.