The Mad Woman in the NHS System
My story might be unusual, or it might be typical...who knows? Because The NHS system doesn't let you tell your story. Given the fact that I believe we are very privileged the have the NHS in this country and that I am proud that we do, it doesn't doesn't excuse the terrible deficiencies of the system. Particular where mental health is concerned.
In brief; I have suffered with depression for most of my life and I have been on and off multiple different types of drugs to treat this illness, I have been in and out of counselling, depression and anxiety groups and at 32 I am still at a loss in terms of trying to cope. I have recently started CBT counselling which is proving to make me feel worse...my counsellor doesn't even bother to look at my record sheets that I duly fill out day in day out and in my first session she told me that it might not work for me. Whoopdedoo.
I am essentially exhausted by being passed from pillar to post. I can count no less than 10 different antidepressants that I have been prescribed and persevered with over the years and we start to look at the horrendous side effects that I have endured, including: tremors, restless leg syndrome, sleep disturbances, night terrors, nausea, constipation, disorientation, brain shocks, confusion, lack of concentration, dizziness, self-displacement syndrome (dissociation), lack of motor control, hallucinations... it's no wonder now that I am on the "last resort" of medications (because... don't you know people, that peeps that take this medicine have a higher chance of suicide than any other) I don't feel any cheerier.
Indeed thanks to the work of Ben Goldacre maybe antidepressant drugs might get more of an investigation and proper research and publicity than they have been doing...in terms of the BAD NEWS about them. They don't know how they work people. simple as that. In fact that chances are if you took a placebo, that would be just as good in determining the outcomes of you "getting better".
I can't even begin to tell you how angry I am about the latest form of 'help' I'm supposed to be receiving...CBT. "What would you be doing if you were feeling better?" Well, I wouldn't be bloody attending these useless sessions for start. My CBT counsellor actually asks ME what I think we should be doing in the session. And furthermore, constantly reminds me that there is only so much we can do in 12 sessions... hmmm... no shit sherlock. Well in my first week I actually managed to achieve quite a lot but none of that was acknowledged at all and have now been told that maybe my 'eating disorder' is a symptom of a more overarching depressive nature...REALLY????? Let's focus on that next week shall we? Well, yes. That IS what I came for.
I am, pretty much sick of being treated a) like a child because I have mental health problems and b) like every physical problem is a symptom of the depression (did I mention the chronic neck pain, sleeplessness and TMJS) and c) having to fill out those damn questionnaires that do not capture not even a tiny little bit of my story... "When in the last two weeks have you been so restless or lethargic that other people would have noticed" - well none really because I live alone and do my best to blend into the background in public because whenever people ask how you are and you respond with truth - "I'm actually pretty shit actually" They turn around and walk away.
No, people don't want to know your story, they are just happy to treat you like the mad woman, get you to answer generic questions, place yourself on a scale of one to ten, go through the motions, set goals and achieve them...and even if you still feel crap at the end of it all, well at least there's drugs, those very drugs that will keep you numb and asleep to terrible facts that the NHS system keeps the mad woman in the attic.
