Summary: You recieve an unexpected text during your shift in the pitt that leads to a downward spiral, worrying everyone the next day when you go for a ride. Alone.
Pairing: Rabbot x Reader, Established Rabbot
Warnings: 18+ MDNI, Suicidal Ideations, riding motorcycle without helmet, panic attacks, past parental abuse, past neglect, hurt w/ comfort, eventual relationship, fluff, angst, emotional, Trinity and Dennis are worried, Robby and Jack try to help
authors note: not proofread, please forgive my errors i'm dyslexic. this a continuation of my pervious post and also my first time posting my work! I will be making a part 2 later but lmk what you think and all notes are welcome! enjoy! (also lmk if i missed any tags pls)
It's two hours before my shift ends when I get the text. My phone had been exploding with calls from unknown numbers since 10:27 A.M that morning but none of them left a voice mail. I hadn't had the time to call them back either with different cases rushing in and out of the ED. Robby offered to let me take a moment so I could call back but a small pit that had reopened in my chest begged me to keep working. I needed to keep going because I didn't want to face whatever was waiting for me on the other line. When things slowed in the evening before the night shift began to show asides from Dr. Jack Abbot, Dana urged me to take a moment to myself.
"Kid, you haven't stopped since you got here this morning," She exclaims as she leans towards me across the counter. "Take ten minutes, get your self some coffee and something to eat." She insisted, almost begging. I try to ignore her as I stare up at the board, searching for a patient or two that will take up the last hours of my shift.
"She's right." Jack adds on as he stands beside me. "Robby told me you've been in and out of that trauma rooms all day." He states. I glance at him for a moment and then to Dana only to find Robby watching from the other side of the hub. The three stare at me expectantly. I drop my shoulders and set the pad down on the counter.
"Fine, I'll be outside if you need me." I mutter as I walk towards the ambulance bay. I hear Dana whisper something to Jack about not letting me take any one else for the rest of the night. I ignore them as the door to the bay slide closed behind me and the roar of the ED dies down. I sit against the concrete wall behind where my motorcycle sits beside Robby's and fish my phone out to look at the number of calls I missed. I stare at the numbers for a few seconds, hovering over one as a text message comes through.
Thomas (Brother): Dad has died, please call at your earliest convenience.
The small pit twists into a swirling mass, drawing the air from my lungs and all energy I had left in. I feel my hands begin to tremor as I open his message and tap the call button. I haven't spoken to my brother in almost ten years, as soon as I left for college, I cut contact. The line rings three times before he answers.
"You called." He states, his tone is full of surprise. I take a deep breath and lean forward with my elbows on my knees.
"What happened?" I ask, I hear a few people talking in the background as the wail of an ambulance echos through the city.
"Heart attack and then a pulmonary embolism, we've been trying to reach you all day." He says with little grief. We all shared similar thought about our father but I was the only one to actually leave. Thomas must have stayed with him.
"I've been at work, I'm still at work," I pause to look around and find the bay still empty thankfully. "When did this happen?" I ask. I hear him say something to someone else before he answers me.
"Early this morning, What do you do for work?" He questions, No one knows I'm a doctor, I never told them what I was going to school for.
"I work in a hospital, will you give me more information when you all have a plan?" I ask, I hope they will but I also dread the idea of going to see them. I don't want to go back even if the worst of them is dead.
"We will, I'll text you the details." He says, "You really work in a hospital?"He doubts, they always did. I hum in response as too many emotions boil over. "Well, I hope it was worth it." The line goes dead after his last sentence. I let my phone fall into my lap as I try to calm my breathing. Fear overwhelms me as I rock back and worth on the concrete slab. This has to be a nightmare, something I can wake up from and it will all go away. I startle when a hand comes to rest on my shoulder. I look up and feel myself panting as I meet Dennis's eyes. I shrug his hand off and look back at the ground as I try to focus on him and the things around me.
"Are you okay?" He asks gently as he sits next to me. "Dana sent me out to check on you, it's been about 20 minutes since you came out here." He rambles, I press the heels of my palms into my eyes to stop the stinging of fresh tears as I jump to my feet.
"I'm fine." I say, I look around him trying to avoid his stare as he stands back up. "I need to get back in there." I run a hand over the back of my head and squeeze my neck, trying to soothe any piece of the fear I have away.
"You look like shit." Dennis announces, I finally meet his eyes and see the worry flooding out of him. "Was there a bad case or difficult patient? I can let Dana know and have her move you to another one." He pleads. I shake my head no and look towards the incoming ambulance.
"No, I'm fine, you've got an trauma coming in." I hurriedly say as I pat all my pockets, reassuring myself that I have everything I need to head inside. "I'm going back in." I mumble as I rush back into the ED. Robby passes me on my way in and I feel his stare follow me towards the hub. I keep my eyes forward and rush towards the break room. Dana was right about one thing, I need food if I'm going to make it through the end of this shift. I rifle through my lunch bag in the fridge and quickly open up a protein bar I had stashed in the pocket. I eat in silence and stare at a single spot on the tile, it's been a long day and hopefully if anyone were to see me, they would come to the same conclusion. I hear my name being called from somewhere in the department and it snaps me out of the trance I was in. i shove the rest of the bar into my mouth and leave the break room as fast as I can.
I spend the rest of my shift in a blur of avoidance. Any case I can join, I take up a spot next to the leading doctor. I take anything that can get my mind away from what happened outside. The florescent of the ED begin to wear on me in the last thirty minutes as the stinging in my eyes returns and the immense anxiety presses in again.
"You okay?" I jump as Robby leans into my vision, he stares over his glasses. His gaze darts down to my shaky hands. I fold them in my lap and look back to my screen.
"I'm good, just a long shift." I state, I feel like an echo of my self as I lie to his face. His eye brow furrows as he looks down at me again. I swear he can see through me in that moment but if he does, he says nothing.
"You sure?" He questions gently. I look back up at him and sigh with a nod.
"I'm fine, Robby." I insist. He nods and drums on the counter with his fingers before walking away to bother anyone else. I glance around the ED and briefly catch him talking with Dana and lightly gesturing to me, along with Dennis standing beside Jack a few feet away from them. I look away and stare into the white screen of a patients chart that's suddenly lost to me.
"How's it going, Tex?" Trinity asks as she rolls over to me on a stool. I rub my eyes and look at the keyboard.
"Just ready to leave, Trin." I mumble, she lightly shoves my shoulder. I look up at her and watch as she slowly spins on the stool.
"You seem to be the talk of the town in the ED tonight." She jokes, I glance around again and find everyone I saw earlier quickly dispersing as Trinity catches them. "Any particular reason?" She prods. I shake my head no and stare at the computer screen again.
"Nope." I pop the p as I type out the old man from south 15's chart. "If I find out why, you'll be the first person I tell." I add. She gives me an odd look.
"You alright?" She asks, I scoff and ignore her question all together. She rolls away with a snide comment about my attitude and a promise to cheer me up later.
The time comes finally, Robby has released us for the night and I can get out. I rush to my locker and shove everything I brought to the shift in my back pack and hurry out with a small goodbye to Trinity, Mel, and Samira in our locker room. I catch Dennis watching me again as I speed through the ED towards the ambulance bay. Dana calls out to me as I walk past the hub, I give her a small smile and a wave as I cross the threshold of freedom. I tighten the straps on my bag and straddle my bike. I set my phone on the magnetic phone holder and start to connect my airpods. I fumble with the case and a chill runs down my spine as I feel eyes watching me again. I look up in a desperate search to find them. I come face to face with Robby again. He stands at the head of my bike with my front tire between his legs.
"Where's your helmet?" He asks, he holds his backpack over one shoulder and on hand is shoved in his jacket pocket. I look at his bike and find him also helmet-less.
"I could ask you the same thing." I state. I gesture to his bike and he stares up at the peeling ceiling of the bay. "I was in a rush this morning and forgot it." I add. He shakes his head but moves away from my tire.
"Seriously." I look over and sigh as Jack looks between the both of us with his arms folded over his chest. I lean forward and press my forehead to the cold metal of the gas tank in an attempt to calm the panic rising in me. "I knew he rode with out a helmet and I really hoped you wouldn't follow in his stupidity." He adds as he takes step closer to my bike.
"Like I told him, I was rushed this morning and I forgot it on my porch." I tell him. He glares at me but drops the subject only to bring up a more sensitive one.
"Your day go okay? You've been a little distant today." He observes. I shake my head lightly and huff out a laugh.
"It's been a long fucking day." I exclaim, "I just want to go home, I'm fine." I insist. I fidget with my airpod case as I talk. I see him glance towards Robby as he steps closer.
"You sure?" He asks lightly, "A few people have noticed that you've been off today, Whitaker mentioned that you may have had a panic attack a few hours ago?" He explains. I sit back and stare at my reflection in my phone screen.
"We're just worried about you, kid, you've been acting strange and I don't think I saw you eat today." Robby adds. I scoff and shake my head again as I press my palms into my eyes.
"Did it effect any of my work today?" I question as I look over at Robby. He glances between Jack and I for a moment, as if he's fishing for the words to say.
"No." He says. I look away from him and place my foot on the kick start.
"Then you have nothing to worry about." I tell them both as I kick my bike to life and quickly place my earbuds in my ears to ignore whatever else they have to say. I peel out of the ambulance bay and speed towards my apartment. A few texts come through from varying people, all of them wanting to know I'm okay. I collapse on to my couch when I get home and scroll through the messages. Samira wants to grab coffee, Dennis and Trinity offer a movie night tonight to get me out of the house, Jack asks about lunch with him and Robby the next day, Mel offers to come over and just rot on the couch for a while. I send them each a short message that I'm okay but not feeling good and I want to enjoy my day off alone. Some respond, some don't. Dennis and Trinity respond that if I won't come to them, they will come to me. Jack follows up with a short rescheduling message. I stare at the group chat between Robby, Jack, and I for a while. I want to invite Robby over just to have him near but I don't want to have to explain why. He'll want an explanation. He will want to fix it, Jack will too. They can't fix this.
I don't remember falling asleep but I'm jolted awake but a wave of cold sweat and fear. I launch myself off the couch and scramble to my feet as I look around my living room for any kind of threat. The apartment is flooded with darkness as the sun hasn't even thought of rising. I dig around on the couch and find my phone tucked under one of the throw pillows that stayed on the couch. I see a few more texts from Robby and Jack asking for any kind of check in and Trinity asking where I live. I ignore them all and trudge to my bedroom to try and fall back asleep.
Memories run on repeat in my head for the remainder of the night. Fight's I got into with my parents, times my brothers left me behind just because they could, my father screaming at me on nights when it was just him and I in the house. So many flood back, memories of bruises and the space they took up under my clothes, the deep ache of broken ribs from being kicked by and animal or a person, the throb of a concussion. It all comes back in waves until the early sunlight cuts through my curtains. They aren't exactly nightmares but they feel like it when I roll out of bed and stare at my phone screen.
I need to clear my head. I can't sit here and let it all come back without trying to get rid of it. I need to go somewhere before even more fear settles in my chest. I hurry to change into jeans and a simple shirt as I gather up my backpack and keys to head out the door. I tug on my leather jacket as I speed walk out of my building and towards my bike. It's early enough that no one is out and my phone hasn't started receiving texts from friends waking up and wanting to see me yet. I start my bike and start heading out fo the city. I need to get away from it all.
The ride is around two and a half hours, and thankfully the thoughts and memories from the night before have quieted since I started the ride. I slow down as I start to see Raystown lake rising in the distance. I've been out here before with a few friends to go swimming but I haven't come back. I ride through the twisting roads trying to find a secluded spot to just sit. I eventually find a small cut out on the road and a short trail that leads to an old look out sight that's long forgotten. It's quiet and makes me feel small in a way I haven't felt before. All the trees rising up around me and the lake below the steep cliff. It feels nice.
I'm pulled away from the view when my phone starts to vibrate in my pocket. I pull it out and look at the number of texts coming in from Trinity and Dennis.
Trin: Where are you? We're at your apartment and you're not here.
Trin: please tell me you just went to get breakfast.
Denny; Did you at least take a helmet?
I sigh and look out at the lake again as I move to sit on the edge of the old brick barrier. I swing my feet as I think of what to say to my friends. I don't want to burden them with all of my family issues and the anxiety that consumes me at the mere thought of calling my brother again. I can't do that to them when they already deal with so much at the ED.
Me: I'm fine, I just went for a ride.
Denny: did you take a helmet?
Me: I'm okay, I'm outside of Pittsburgh
Trin: share your location.
I hold my phone a little tighter as she asks for my location. Dennis keeps asking if I took a helmet and if I'm really okay. I don't send her my location and I stop responding to Dennis. I need quiet for a little while longer as I dangle my feet over the edge.
