Idealization is a real bitch. For those of us who’ve experienced having been idealized, we’re aware of the cycle, the incredible highs, the depth of the lows, and the emotional roller coaster that goes along with it. Is it love? No. It’s dysfunctional. It’s full-throttle excitement and always with a viscous and painful ending. With idealization, the pedestal becomes your best friend and your worst enemy. As the old saying goes, ”The higher you are, the harder the fall.” Idealization is about extremes of hot and cold, fire and ice. You can go from having conversations for hours, talking about your deepest fears, your biggest regrets or your wildest dreams, to being pushed aside for a podcast. It’s addicting how they can draw your emotions and feelings out of you, impressing you with their compliments, their promises of forever-after and fairy tale endings. Any compliments you receive aren’t about you, but about mirroring parts of your qualities they want for themselves. Promises of forever-after have an expiration date, and fairy tale endings…don’t exist. You’ll go from being adored one day to abhorred the next; showered with affection today, to chasing validation tomorrow. These relationships usually happen fast, filled with passion, incredible moments of intensity and sooner than later, the dreaded fall from grace where the same things they “adored” yesterday become their ammo today. Today, you’re showered with everything you want to hear, or need to hear. Your basic needs that may have gone unmet earlier in your life are now being handed to you on a silver platter and it’s addicting, giving you a sense of validation, perhaps for the first time in a while, or the first time in your life. By the time you recognize the “red flags” you’re in over your head in love and believing their love is genuine. That’s also about the same time you get replaced for their next conquest that was usually already in the works. For anyone who has experienced idealization, then you know the other side of that coin is devaluation. It’s destructive, painful and can cause trauma. It can damage your view of the world and your view on humanity; your view on yourself. When relationships are unhealthy, what makes you perfectly imperfect and beautifully human that they once claimed to love, are now used against you, making you question everything and trust nothing.
Dr. Annie Tanasugarn in “Signs their love is authentic” @medium.com
