Where You Left Me
Summary: When you suddenly start to distance yourself from Jax, heโs left wondering what he couldโve possibly done wrong that would make you not want to be around him. But after a party, Ope tells him something that has alarm bells going off in his head, and he finally starts to connect the dots. | Part 1
Word Count: 9.5k | I do not give consent to having my work republished or posted to any other platform or profile other than my own.
Warnings: angst, fluff, swearing, mentions of smut, probably inaccurate age estimates (doesnโt matter at all though), this is so long, iโm sorry.
Jax was not having a good day.ย
He was woken up extremely early by Clay, who had sent him to go run errands for him at the crack of dawn, so he was more tired than normal.ย
The two of them hadnโt been agreeing on much lately, and it was really putting a strain on their relationship, as well as Jaxโs place as future president of Samcro.ย
Jax wasnโt a fan of being on Clayโs bad side (though heโs on it quite often), so he was trying his best to mend the strain as well as he could, but it was difficult when he wasnโt being met halfway. But that was really the only thing that was going south in Jaxโs life at the moment, so it really wasnโt too bad considering his lifestyle.ย
Heโd been up for hours already, and he hadnโt gotten the best sleep last night, so he was a little grumpy. He thought maybe since he helped Clay out earlier, heโd be in a better mood, but he was wrong.ย
When he got back to the clubhouse, he was planning on stopping by your place because he knew you were the only thing that would make his day better, and since it was still early, he didnโt want to keep feeling irritated for the rest of the day.
But, just as he was getting ready to head back out, Clay had called him into the chapel for a talk, and even though Jax had a feeling that talk wasnโt anything good, he still went ahead and put himself through it.ย
The talk had been even worse than Jax thought it would be. Clay had finally picked up on what was going on between you and him, even though neither of you were doing anything to hide it.ย
Jax had spent his whole life running from his feelings for you, why on earth would he go into hiding now that heโs got you?ย
But that was maybe something he shouldโve been doing, because Clay was not happy with the amount of time Jax had been spending with you. Ever since he was made VP, there had been an intense pressure put on Jax, and an expectation for him to put all of his time and effort into the club.
That was understandable and somewhat fine, but Clay himself had been in a committed relationship the whole time Jax had known him, and he was the president of the club. Wouldnโt he understand that he couldnโt actually put every single second he had into it?
Apparently not, because he had completely ripped into Jax the second he stepped through those doors. Accusations were hurled at him, and insults that really had no effect on him were what he was met with, and Jax had to bite his tongue too many times to count.ย
He didnโt enjoy bickering with Clay, even though that was all they seemed to be doing lately, so he didnโt fly off the handle with him like he really wanted to. He simply took it while holding himself back, knowing that the sooner Clay said everything he wanted to say, the sooner Jax could go to you.ย
But that was when you had become the topic of Clayโs wrath.ย
He berated you, degraded you, and said all the things that would have had Jax knocking someoneโs teeth out had theyโd been anyone else. Clay didnโt know you, he didnโt know the first fucking thing about you, and he had no right to be speaking about you the way he was.ย
The more Clay talked about you, the angrier Jax had got, but he had to reel himself in. The last thing he needed was another disagreement and for more bad blood to form between the two of them, and he also didnโt feel like beating the shit out of the man who helped his mom raise him, even though Jax was three seconds away from doing just that.ย
He knew damn well everything Clay was saying about you was complete bullshit, but he didnโt want to say something that would make him think there was something serious going on with you and him.ย
Even though there is. There definitely is, and it was about time too.ย
Jax had been pining over you for most of his life, even though he did a very poor fucking job at showing it or doing anything about his feelings for you. He knew he was trying to run from something that was inevitable. He knew that, for as long as he had you in his life, he would always feel this way about you. Trying to run from it or hide how he felt was pointless, because there would always be countless reminders.ย
The polaroid he keeps tucked in the frame of his mirror - one that was taken so long ago. Both of you were so young and, well, as innocent as you could be. Even though it was from forever ago, it was still one of his favorite photos. It wasnโt the best quality, and the color had faded over time, but it was probably in better shape than most of his possessions.ย
In the photo, he has his arm draped around your shoulder, a small, barely-there grin on his face since he thought he was way too fucking cool to smile for pictures back then - even though he was rarely not smiling when he was around you.ย
You were both leaning against an old car, your legs crossed and your bodies slouched. There was an embarrassed, lopsided smile on your face, and your hair was half pink, which was still one of his favorite looks on you.ย
It was different, and that made it so you, because you were different too. A good kind of different. The best kind.ย
There were bright white clips pinning back the sides of your hair, your baby face on full display and was probably why you looked so embarrassed. For some reason, you never seemed to believe you were pretty back then, even though Jax always thought you were stunning and tried to tell you that on a regular basis, but he was subtle about it, and youโd always been clueless.ย
Gemma had taken the photo when you and he were waiting for your mom to pick you up from the shop after work. Jax had been there all day, and you had only been there for an hour or so since you came there from school, and he had long since dropped out at that point.ย
You hung out with him until your mom came and picked you up, then Gemma had given him the polaroid, and heโd kept a close eye on it ever since. He had to hide it in his drawer for a few years since Tara had become quite irritated by the sight of it, which was probably why the saturation was so poor now, but it was still one of his most cherished belongings.ย
Under that polaroid, on the surface of his dresser, was an updated picture. An actual photograph taken on a camera that wasnโt made twenty years ago, and it was a lot bigger.ย
This one was from a few years ago, and taken around the time Jax realized that he needed to get a move on if he wanted something with you - even though it still took him a few years after to actually work up the nerve.ย
He was on his bike, his arms crossed and a lazy smirk on his face, and you were behind him, your arms wrapped around his middle, and the biggest, prettiest smile was on your lips. With time, he got to watch you go from a shy and awkward girl to the stunning and not overly-confident, but still confident, woman you are today.ย
That was his second favorite photo.ย
There were other reminders of you everywhere he looked, your chapstick you keep in his room, your sweater that always gets left on the chair in the corner, the smell of your perfume still lingering on his kutte and his clothes.ย
Everything reminded him of you, really, and that was probably why he decided to say fuck it and kiss you all those months ago. He was done pretending you werenโt his entire world, he was done running from the one thing he knew would always make him happy.ย
And you did make him happy. Beyond happy, but having Clay know that and and use it as a form of weakness or a way to try and rile him up was not ideal.ย
So he lied.ย
When Clay informed Jax that he was aware of what was quickly blossoming into the best relationship Jax had ever been in, he fucking lied.ย
He lied his ass off and said you werenโt important, that you didnโt matter, that you were just another girl, but it was all a lie. One big, mean lie he had to say to ensure Clay would leave you alone and stay out of your business.ย
The absolute last thing he wanted was for Clay to start giving you a hard time since apparently Jax had been too invested in you lately and not the club, which was bullshit in his opinion since heโs had to watch the president of the club be all over his mother for years while still calling all the shots.ย
Nothing he said about you was true, but Clay seemed to believe it as he let Jax leave soon after that conversation was over, thank fuck.ย
It left him feeling agitated and pissed off, and when he got back to his room and checked his phone for the first time that morning, he saw that heโd missed a couple calls from you, and that youโd sent him a few texts.ย
The last one was sent just over twenty minutes ago, and Jax quickly shut his door as he clicked on your contact. It rang five times before he was sent to your voicemail, and he groaned, because that was when he remembered that today was the day youโd be going on a trip with your class, and you wouldnโt be back until late.ย
You had told him about it a few days ago, and he had meant to pass on an invite for you to crash in his room afterwards, but he just hadnโt gotten around to it.ย
It was too late now, and since you didnโt answer his call, he assumed he had just missed you and that you were already wrangling up your third graders and getting them ready for the trip.ย
He reached up and pulled off his hat, tossing it blindly onto the chair as he slumped back onto his unmade bed. His fingers messed up his hair as he typed out a text to you, and he hoped youโd get back to him soon, because he really wanted to see you at some point today, and he hoped youโd come by after you got back.ย
Just missed you, I guess. Sorry, meant to swing by before you left for work. Maybe you can come by after? Iโll be up late. Or I can come to yours. Have a good day.ย
He sent the text then looked at the screen for a few seconds, as if your top priority right now was going to be checking your phone, then he tossed it aside on his bed, his head falling back onto his pillow.ย
He wanted to see you before you left, but of course Clay had instantly put him to work as soon as he woke up, and it took away the brief time he couldโve been spending with you, especially since the errands he had to do werenโt all that big of a deal anyway.ย
Jax didnโt want to think of himself as one of those guys who needs to see their girlfriends to be able to properly start their day, but that was exactly what he was. Well, he didnโt have to see you, though he preferred to, a simple phone call would be good too.ย
And then there was the fact that you werenโt his girlfriend, not really, since he hadnโt put a label on it just yet. He assumed he didnโt need to, because he was with you and you were with him. Wasnโt that a label? Things had always been easy like that with you and him, he genuinely thought that you and he would easily go from friends to so much more without actually talking it out.ย
He knows he needs to set the record straight soon and tell you that youโre it for him, but for now, you and he were in a good place, and he liked where things were at the moment.ย
You never got back to him, and by the time it was nearly midnight, he stopped waiting for a reply since he assumed youโd been so busy throughout the day, you didnโt have time to answer and probably ended up crashing as soon as you got home.ย
He was sure heโd wake up tomorrow to a text from you, one of the cute ones you send him whenever you feel guilty about missing out on plans with him or when you simply missed his texts. You rambled, even over text, and he rather enjoyed reading your paragraphs when all you really needed to send was a sentence or two.ย
But he loved it. He loved everything about you, and he always had.ย
When he woke up the next morning, it was close to 11 AM when he rolled over and checked his phone, but instead of receiving one of your cute and lengthy texts, all he got was a single sentence.ย
Got in late, maybe another night.ย
One single, simple sentence that sounded more like the way he texts than the way you do.ย
While his texts usually lacked personality, yours were normally full of it. They were so you, and you texted the way you talked in person, which was bubbly and full of life.ย
This seemed dull, and that wasnโt like you.ย
But he wasnโt about to dwell or make assumptions over a text. Maybe you were tired. You said you had a late night, so maybe you were still trying to wake up.ย
He sent a quick text back, offering to bring you a late breakfast and promising heโd be able to spend more than just a quick visit with you since it was the weekend and he hadnโt been given any grueling orders from Clay.ย
While he didnโt normally wait around for a text message, he couldnโt ignore how the time was ticking by, and you hadnโt answered him. He didnโt know if you saw the text and just wanted to have a chill day by yourself, or if you genuinely hadnโt even read it yet, but when it became the late afternoon, his offer had expired since Gemma would need his help with something for the rest of the day.ย
That was fine, since Jax ended up being distracted until he passed out on his bed well after midnight. He half expected to wake up to a text from you, an apology message and an offer to have that late breakfast today, but when he grabbed his phone, there were no texts from you.ย
It was a little odd, since you usually text him every day, even the most random shit, so to have you absent from his messages was a little weird.ย
He got dressed as he texted you again, trying to ignore the way he felt about you having completely ignored his previous one, and asked if he could stop by your place later since he missed you.ย
He felt weird asking if he could come over, because usually he just shows up, like you show up at the clubhouse and let him whisk you away to his room, but things felt off right now, and he didnโt want to show up and have you be annoyed at him for it since he clearly missed out on the hint.ย
The day went on, and you never got back to him.ย
And as the days went on, all his texts to you went unanswered, and all his calls went straight to voicemail.ย
What the fuck was happening? What the hell had he missed? He obviously missed something major since it wasnโt like you at all to just ignore him like this. He thought back to the last time he saw you, which was last Thursday morning, and tried to remember everything that happened, and if you seemed off.ย
As far as he could tell, you were as happy as ever that morning. You had invited him over for takeout and old movies on Wednesday, and he ended up staying the night. There was nothing different about you that night, and you were your usual, beaming self. You had forced yourself into his arms when he arrived, then whined when he had to leave the next morning.ย
He hadnโt seen you since then, and he hadnโt been able to reach you since then, so he wasnโt sure when something couldโve possibly happened that is making you be so closed off with him.ย
Maybe you just needed some space. Maybe you were going through something right now, and you just needed a little time to yourself, even though Jax would be a little offended that you didnโt come to him if something truly is bothering you. You tell him everything, and he tells you everything, with the exception of the club, because he didnโt want you anywhere near that lifestyle. You were way too good for it.ย
He wasnโt ashamed of it, but he also knew that you were far too sweet and far too innocent to be caught up in that part of his life. Every other part was as much yours as it is his, though.ย
It was Wednesday now, and despite his best efforts to get you to talk to him, Jax had received radio silence on your end. He tried going over to your place, but you either werenโt home, or you simply didnโt come to the door, and itโs not like he could just show up at your work. You worked at an elementary school, and he didnโt have kids, so that wouldโve looked fucking weird.ย
The clubhouse was booming, the framed mugshots shaking on the walls from how loud the music was, and every room was flooded with the guys that made up the club, as well as a fair share of crow eaters.ย
Yet another raging Samcro party was in full swing, and while Jax normally enjoyed the parties, it was hard to ignore the way his arm hung loosely by his side, instead of it being draped over your shoulder or wrapped around your waist. It was normal for you and him, so to not have you here was a little unnerving.ย
Even before you and he got together, you were always under his arm. You didnโt like crowded places, and you werenโt all that familiar with anyone who made up Samcro except for himself and Ope, so you naturally stayed close to him. He didnโt mind it at all, in fact, Jax loved having you glued to his side.ย
Sure, it usually meant the girls stayed away from him, and even though there were some nights he craved finding one and taking her back to his room to try and find something in her that heโd only ever found in you, he never minded having you by his side.ย
The thought of taking any of these girls back to his room made him cringe now, because you were the real deal. What he has with you is unlike anything else heโs ever had before, and heโd become rather spoiled by you in the months youโd been together.ย
He hated thinking about the nights heโd spend with you at parties, then the times heโd instantly take one of the crow eaters back to his room once youโd gone home, and heโd fuck her while pretending she was you.ย
It felt like a waste of time now, especially since youโd always felt something so much stronger than just a friendship with him, and heโd been too much of a coward to do anything about it until now.ย
But that was before. Now that heโs got you, he doesnโt want to ever let you go. Even though there was some obvious tension with you right now, Jax still wanted you and only you, and that was something he was sure heโd always want.ย
Heโd sent you a quick text earlier, letting you know there was a party happening and that he hoped you could make it. He didnโt like how desperate he was starting to sound, but he seriously didnโt know what the fuck was going on with you. Heโd never really gone this long without seeing or hearing from you, and that fact was making him feel on edge.ย
He wasnโt sure if you were coming tonight, so his mood was a little sour as he leaned against the side of his bike outside, his second beer of the night held loosely in his hand as he smoked a cigarette.ย
His eyes flickered around the lot, his shoulders slumped as he held the smoke in his mouth for longer than necessary. He didnโt want to dampen anyoneโs night since he wasnโt in that good of a mood, so thatโs why he is outside instead of by the bar.ย
It was also a way he could watch everyone who arrived, and he was shamelessly waiting for you.ย
And you didnโt let him down, because a few minutes later, you were here.ย
But even though you made direct eye contact with him, you didnโt come over and say anything to him. You just gave him a short wave before heading into the clubhouse, breaking his line of sight with you completely.ย
What the actual fuck was going on?
Jax assumed you had a bad day, maybe you were still stressed about whatever was bothering you the last couple days, so he gave you some time to come out and see him when you wanted to.ย
But then half an hour went by, and he was still sitting by himself outside, and that was when he went to find you.ย
He walked into the clubhouse after tossing away his third cigarette of the night - he didnโt usually smoke this much, but the way you seemed to be avoiding him was making him feel anxious. He found you at the bar, one elbow propped up on the surface as you sipped on a beer. A relaxed smile was on your lips as you talked with Juiceโs girlfriend, the same girl you were chatting with the night Jax kissed you.ย
Tonight felt like that night, and you looked as carefree as you did that night, and for a second, Jax completely forgot that you had ignored his texts all week and hadnโt even tried to reach out to him.ย
Jax was already in a better mood at just the sight of you as he crossed the room, easily sliding between bodies until he reached the bar. โHey, you,โ he mumbled, coming up behind you and wrapping his arms around your waist. His chin rested on your shoulder, his lips brushing against the side of your neck as he pressed himself against you. โWhere have you been? Feel like I havenโt seen you all week.โย
Now that you were in his arms, Jax finally felt himself starting to relax. He wasnโt used to being away from you, and he wasnโt used to not talking to you for days on end like that.ย
And he missed you.ย
The baggy shirt you were wearing smelled like the perfume youโd been using since you were a teen, and it was a scent that he always associated with you since the first time you wore it.ย
He felt his shoulders drop now that he knew you were at least physically okay, but he could feel the way your body tensed up in his arms, and his relief at seeing you was quickly wearing off.ย
Your smile faded, and you forced out a laugh, something that had him furrowing his brows. You lifted your shoulder subtly, making him lift his head off it. As if you didnโt want him touching you right now. As if you wanted to get away from him.ย
โYeah,โ you muttered, and he could barely hear you over the music. โIโve been busy, I guess.โ
That was it?
Jax furrowed his brows even more as he loosened his grip on your waist, but he kept his hands on your hips since he was unwilling to let you go just yet. It wasnโt like you at all to reject his touch like that, and youโd never done it before. Youโd usually melt into him and give him that gorgeous fucking smile he loves so much, but you werenโt smiling at all right now. If anything, you seemed eager to get away from him, and he fucking hated it.ย
There was a sinking feeling building up inside him, and he felt himself start to panic a bit, but he tried to reel it in as best as he could. โBusy, huh? Too busy to return my calls or texts? Or to come say hi when you got here? Thatโs not like you,โ he murmured, his protective instincts flaring up inside him at your coldness. You couldnโt even turn your head and look at him. โTalk to me, baby.โ
You pressed your lips together, your eyes flickering over to Juiceโs girl as if you were asking her for help to get away from him, and that fucking stung worse than anything.ย
โHey,โ he said a little louder, but his voice was also a little desperate as he looked over at Juiceโs girlfriend as well, and the look in his eyes had her quickly grabbing her beer and scurrying away to find her boyfriend. Once she was gone, Jax grabbed your waist and turned you around so you were facing him. โYouโve been avoiding me. Whatโs goinโ on, huh? Since when do you shut me out like this?โ
You were looking down at the floor while he tried to get you to meet his eyes, and all he wanted to do was figure out what the hell was going on in that pretty head of yours, because you were acting like a completely different person.ย
โIโm not shutting you out, Iโve just been busy withโฆ life, I guess,โ you answered, and it was a pretty pathetic excuse. You set your beer onto the surface of the bar behind you before leaning against it and crossing your arms, finally meeting his eyes. โI honestly didnโt think youโd notice.โ
Your words were offensive, as was the look in your eyes. They were cold, distant and guarded, and for the first time since he met you, he had no idea what you were thinking, and he had no idea how you were feeling.ย
Not being able to read you like he normally does had a look of hurt crossing his face, but he tried to mask it as best as he could. โI wouldnโt notice? What are you talking about? Youโre the most important thing in my fuckinโ life, youโre a part of me, of course Iโm gonna notice when you start to avoid me out of nowhere,โ he muttered, and he really wished you and he werenโt in a room full of people right now.ย
He moved closer to you and reached for your hands, uncrossing your arms and guiding them up to drape around his neck instead. He just wanted to feel close to you right now, physically, because emotionally, it felt like he was talking to the brick wall behind you.ย
โYouโre usually glued to my side, but then you went off and disappeared for days without a word. You thought I wouldnโt notice that? Iโm never not thinkinโ about you, baby,โ he rasped, leaning down so his forehead was pressed to yours. โWhateverโs got you so distant and closed off, you talk to me about it. Thatโs what we do. Thatโs what weโve always done.โ
He wasnโt sure if he was getting through to you or not, because you went back to avoiding his eyes, and he knew that if you didnโt tell him what he did to piss you off so much, heโd spend the rest of the night, the rest of the fucking week trying to figure out what he did wrong.ย
Your arms were tense around his neck, and he hated how you looked like you wanted to be anywhere else right now. It made him feel like he was losing you, and he didnโt know why.ย
โI donโt feel like talking,โ you said, sounding way too casual as you slid your hands down his chest, and he felt his heart race a bit at the familiar gesture, but then you reached up and gripped his chin between your thumb and index finger, and you turned his head to the left. โThe crowdโs that way if youโre looking to get laid. Iโm going home.โ
Jaxโs eyes landed on a group of girls who were obviously interested in fucking him, and the fact that you even pointed them out had his heart stuttering in his chest. His expression hardened as he turned to face you again, and he crowded you against the bar. โWhat the fuck is that supposed to mean? Iโm not interested in them, Iโve only got eyes for one girl in here,โ he said, watching as you reached for your jacket. โAnd now youโre telling me that youโre leavinโ?โ
You seriously thought heโd throw everything away for a random girl who meant nothing to him? What the hell had gotten so messed up inside your head that would lead you to think things like that? He wasnโt sure if he should laugh in disbelief or be utterly offended.ย
โI want to leave, Jax,โ you said, your voice sounding tired as you tried to move around him.
He reached for your wrist before you could get far, his skin heating up as he felt the earlier panic start to come back. โDonโt run from me, baby. We need to talk about this,โ he practically begged, meeting your guarded gaze with desperate eyes. โWhatever this is. I want you. Only you. Donโt you believe that?โ
Your expression was unreadable as you looked up at him. โSure, Jax,โ you said, and his grip loosened on your wrist. โCan I go home now?โย
He stepped away from you, his hand falling back to his side as a defeated feeling took him over. โWill you call me later? Or tomorrow?โ he asked, fearing he already knew that you wouldnโt.
โYeah, sure,โ you answered, then you turned around and left without another word.ย
Jax was left standing there feeling like a complete fucking idiot, and he didnโt quite understand what just happened. Never had you ever wanted to get away from him so quickly like that before. Never had you ever rejected his touch or refused to even talk to him.ย
He stared at the door for a few more seconds before turning away, and his eyes landed on the group of crow eaters once more. A blonde girl he may or may not have hooked up with in the past gave him a small pout. โAw, baby, did your night just get ruined?โ she cooed, leaning forward and pushing her cleavage even more out than it already was. โI can make it better, I promise. Iโll make it so much better. Let me come with you to your room.โ
A feeling of nausea bubbled up his throat, but he just forced out a smile as he shook his head, not trusting his voice right now as he headed towards his room. When he was inside, he immediately locked the door in case she decided to follow him.ย
Now that he was away from the smell of alcohol and smoke and the deafening sound of the music, he was left to deal with the countless questions forming in his head. All of which had to do with you, and with yours and his relationship.ย
Heโd never felt so lost and confused, and the fact that you had refused to stay and talk things out with him didnโt sit right. It had a lump forming in his throat as he swallowed harshly, his eyes flickering all over his room.ย
Usually after a party, or even during one, youโd be in here with him right now. But he was alone, and you felt so fucking far away.ย
His eyes landed on the polaroid stuck to his mirror, and he pushed off the door and walked over to it, his hand plucking it from its place to get a better look at it.ย
You and he were so young in the picture, and you were so close. That closeness stayed with you throughout all these years, but now it felt like you were slipping away, and he didnโt know how to stop it.ย
Did he rush this? Were you not ready to take this step with him after all? Had he completely misread things?
The sound of the doorknob twisting, then someone knocking broke him out of the trance heโd fallen into, and he closed his eyes tightly before turning around and unlocking the door.ย
โI donโt wanna have sex with you,โ he said when he swung the door open, thinking it was the blonde girl who thought she still had a chance with him now that heโs with you.ย
But it wasnโt the girl. It was his fucking mom.ย
โWell, thatโs a relief,โ she said as she let herself into the room, and Jax felt his face flush as he shut the door behind her and locked it again - just in case. Gemma turned and looked at him, and her gaze softened as she took in the conflicted and hurt look on his face. โI assume you meant to say that to one of those girls who are always eyeballing you?โ
Jax huffed, โYeah,โ he muttered, shaking his head as he looked down at the polaroid again. โWhat are you doing in here?โ
She shrugged as she moved to sit on the end of his bed. โClayโs shitfaced and I donโt really feel like putting up with that right now,โ she answered, then her own eyes flickered to the picture in his hand. โYou know, when I took that, I couldโve sworn you two would end up getting married one day.โ
Jax lifted his gaze and looked over at her, then he slowly shook his head. โNo. Iโm not talking about relationships with my mom,โ
โWhy not? You listen to me complain about Clay all the time,โ she stated, leaning forward and bracing her elbows on her knees. โBesides, I know her. Itโs not like sheโs just some random girl. Sheโs the girl, isnโt she?โ
Jax dropped his gaze to the picture once more, his eyes trailing all over your younger self. โYeah. She is,โย
Gemma tilted her head expectantly. โSo whatโs going on?โ
He pursed his lips, his shoulders lifting in a shrug. โI donโt know. But I fucked it up somehow,โย
She furrowed her brows. โWhat do you mean?โ
Jax shrugged again and tore his eyes away from the photograph. โSheโs acting different. She hasnโt talked to me in days, and tonight it was like she couldnโt get away from me fast enough,โ he mumbled, a bit embarrassed that he was talking to his mom about his relationship troubles at the ripe age of thirty one. โI know I fucked up somehow, but I donโt know when, because she doesnโt want to talk to me.โ
Gemma hummed, nodding slowly as she gestured for him to sit with her. โWell, when was the last time she wanted to talk to you?โ she asked once he was sitting on his bed next to her.ย
Jax tipped his head back, frustration building up inside him as he tried to think about that answer. โFriday. Last week,โ he replied, โI missed her calls because Clay had me out doing all this shit for him, and when I got back and tried to call her, she wouldnโt answer. Tonight is the first time Iโve seen her in a week, and all she wanted to do was fuckinโ get away from me.โ
โHm,โ was all she said back for a few seconds as she shifted her gaze to the floor. โWell, we all go through things we donโt want people to see us go through. But you love her, and she loves you. I canโt remember a time you two werenโt in love with each other. You just need to be there for her, like I know you will be. Maybe she just needs a little more time, and she needs you to give that to her.โย
Jax locked his jaw as he looked down at the old stains on his jeans. โI miss her,โย
Gemma smiled at him, wrapping her arms around him in a tight, brief hug before she pressed a kiss to his cheek. โYou two are gonna be fine. Youโve known each other too long to not be,โ she said as she stood up and took the polaroid from him, putting it back in its place on his mirror. She opened the door to his room, then paused and looked back at him. โThereโs some blonde out here waiting for you. Iโll send her on her way. Night, baby.โ
Jax groaned and ran his hands down his face as she closed the door behind her, and he quickly stood up and locked it for the third time before he unzipped and kicked off his jeans, then tossed his shirt onto the floor and got into bed. It was still early, but he was done partying for the night, because heโd never be able to enjoy himself because of whatever was going on with you and him.ย
The next day, Jax was actually working in the shop for once when Ope stopped by, Kenny and Ellie hanging off him with big, innocent smiles directed up at their dad. โHey, man,โ he greeted, prying Ellieโs hand off his arm so he could greet Jax with their usual half hug. โHow are you doing?โ
Jax shrugged, wiping his greasy hands on the cloth before shoving it back into the pocket of his jeans. โNot bad,โ he answered as Ope gestured for his kids to go look at the vintage car that was in the shop for repairs.ย
โOh yeah?โ he laughed once they were away. โYouโre lyinโ to me now?โ
Jax let out a huff as he shook his head. โItโs kinda hard to be in a good mood when your kids have seen my girlfriend more than I have this week,โ he muttered, hating the fact that he felt envious of an eight and an eleven year old. Youโre Ellieโs teacher, and Jax actually felt jealous that sheโd gotten to see you every day this week. How low could he possibly get?
Ope furrowed his brows, a confused look taking over his face. โWhat? What are you talking about?โ he asked, โShe was just here last night, was she not?โ
โYeah, for about five seconds before I tried talking to her and she went home,โย he mumbled, giving his best friend a defeated look. โI donโt know what I did, but sheโs pissed at me.โ
โSheโs never been pissed at you,โ Ope said, crossing his arms over his chest. โDid you and her get into a fight when she was here last Friday? You tend to say nasty shit when youโre tryinโ to prove your point.โย
Jax couldnโt even feel offended at that, because he was too busy feeling confused instead. โFriday? What are you talking about? I didnโt see her on Friday,โ
Now Ope was wearing an equally confused expression. โWell, she didnโt come here to see any of us,โ he laughed, then continued when Jax narrowed his eyes. โShe came over Friday morning before work. I would know, I was the one who told her where to find you.โ
Jax felt his ears start to burn at that, and he straightened up a bit. โI never talked to her on Friday,โ he stated, but his voice was quiet, like he was finally starting to figure it out.ย
โWell, maybe she waited as long as she could for you and Clay to finish talking, but she had that big school trip last week. She probably wouldโve been late if she waited any longer,โ Ope offered, and Jax just nodded slowly.ย
You were here on Friday, but Jax had somehow completely missed you. You never mentioned anything about that last night, not that youโd really mentioned anything at all, but Friday was also the same day he realized something was off.ย
โIโm gonna go see her,โ he said, already moving across the lot to where his motorcycle is. Ope just waved him off then went to go collect his kids, and Jax was off to your place.ย
It was after school now, meaning you should be home, so when Jax arrived at your house, he was fully expecting you to answer the door.ย
But as he raised his hand to knock for the fourth time, he was growing more agitated than before. โCome on, baby, I know youโre home,โ he said, loud enough so you could hear him, but not loud enough to cause a scene for any of your neighbours to see.
When you finally swung the door open a few seconds later, you looked just as gorgeous as you did last night, but also just as annoyed. โWhat?โ you asked, your voice sounding irritated as you leaned against the doorframe and crossed your arms.
Youโd changed into your after work clothes, which was just a long shirt and comfy shorts, and it was one of his favorite looks on you, but then again, he thought you looked hot in everything you wore.ย
โWhat?โ he echoed, narrowing his gaze as he shook his head. โYou didnโt call me last night when you got home. And something tells me you werenโt going to call me today either, am I right?โย
You didnโt answer him, you just gave him a blank look. โWhat do you want, Jax?โ you muttered, then straightened up when he pushed past you and walked into your place. โHey-โ
He turned to face you once he was standing in your living room, and he mirrored your stance, his arms coming up to cross over his chest. โWhat the fuck is goinโ on? Youโve been MIA for days, and now youโre giving me the cold shoulder,โ he said, watching the way you clenched your jaw. โTalk to me, please. What did I do to piss you off so much?โ
You glared at him for a few seconds, then you stood up straight, blindly reaching behind you to close the door. โNothing,โ you lied, and he knew you were lying, and he was sure you knew that too. โIโm fine.โ
Jax shook his head as you moved to stand in front of him, and then you were draping your arms around his neck, but you still had that far away look in your eyes, like this was just something you had to do, rather than something you wanted to do. โNo, youโre not,โ he said back, but you just shook your head.ย
Then you were leaning up and pressing your lips to his in a firm kiss, the first one youโve shared all week. And Jax immediately melted into it, his lips moving softly against yours as his hands instinctively went to your hips. He couldnโt help it. Heโd missed you way too fucking much this week, and even though you were all over the place, he was greedy for you. For any part of you.ย
The kiss was filled with frustration from both of you, longing on his end, and bitterness on yours. One of his hands came up and cupped the back of your neck, his fingers tangling in your hair as he deepened the kiss until he physically couldnโt kiss you anymore.
When he pulled away, he pressed his forehead to yours like he normally does after kissing you, but then you flinched, and the relief he felt had once again disappeared.ย
Jax stepped away, his jaw locking a bit as he looked down at you. โTell me whatโs wrong. Something isnโt right with us, and I wanna know what it is,โ he demanded as he crossed his arms, finally having had enough at this point. โYouโve never acted like this with me before. Did I fuck up somehow? Say something to make you mad?โ
You huffed quietly, your shoulders dropping as you rolled your eyes. โYou really want to talk right now?โ you asked, moving towards him again, your hand reaching out to tug at the belt loop of his jeans. โI can think of something a lot more fun to do.โย
Jax felt the usual desire building up inside him at your words, and your suggestive action, but he caught your wrist in his hand, gently guiding it away from his jeans. โNo, baby. We need to talk first,โ he said, his voice firm as he tried to get you to meet his gaze. โNo more bullshit.โ
Why you were suddenly coming onto him like this after you seemed to be repulsed by him last night was beyond him, and your odd behaviour just concerned him even more.ย
He was always ready for you, but right now, his body wasnโt reacting to your advances because even it knew something was wrong, and he knew that if he were to say fuck it right now and have sex with you without actually figuring out what was wrong, it would just feel soโฆ wrong.ย
Something was bothering you, and he couldnโt focus on anything else until he knew what it was.ย
Jax pulled you over to the couch, guiding you to sit before he knelt down in front of you, forcing you to look at him now that he was at your eye level. โI can feel you pulling away from me, and I donโt like it one goddamn bit. I canโt fuckinโ stand it, baby,โ he mumbled, taking your small hands in his big ones. โAnd Iโm not gonna let you distract me with sex until weโve talked this out. Youโre way too important to me for that shit.โย
He felt the way you tried to pull your hands from his, but he just tightened his grip. โYou donโt want to have sex with me right now? You seriously just want to talk?โ you asked, your voice laced with disbelief, and he wasnโt sure why that was such a big surprise to you since heโd talked to you a hell of a lot more times than heโs had sex with you.ย ย
Before he could open his mouth and question you on it, you continued,ย
โI thought sex was all this was to you. I thought this was all you wanted from me. Is it not?โ you asked, โOr is that just something else I was wrong about?โ
That had him reeling back a bit, his lips parted as his gaze narrowed. โJesus Christ, baby, is that really what you think?โ he couldnโt hide how offended he felt by your words, or the way a feeling of anger built up inside him at your question. โYou canโt be serious, I- yeah, sex with you is amazing, but itโs not all I want. It ainโt even close.โ
You scoffed and looked away, but he reached up and guided your gaze back to his, his eyes hard and his jaw set.ย
โI care about you more than anything, more than just the physical shit. Youโre my best friend, my ride or die. Yeah, I want you physically, but itโs so much more than that. Havenโt I made that clear by now?โ he asked, hoping like fuck he was getting through to you at least a little bit, because if this was just about sex, then that would be an easy fix.ย
It wasnโt.
You let out a groan of frustration, your eyes squeezing shut as you tipped your head back. โFucks sake, Jax. Havenโt you realized this yet?โ you muttered, roughly pulling your hands away from his as you stood up and put some distance between you and him. โI heard you. I fucking heard you when you told Clay Iโm just another girl to you. That Iโm not important. That Iโm nothing.โ
Jax froze, his eyes widening as his heart stopped beating inside his chest. His blood ran cold, and he felt a light sweat begin to form on his skin - a telltale sign that he had been caught. Heโd been caught doing something fucking horrible to the one person he knew that never deserved it.ย
It all made sense now. Youโd come over to the clubhouse on Friday morning, and you heard him lie his fucking ass off to Clay in an attempt to shield you from this side of his life. Thatโs why youโd been ignoring his calls, thatโs why youโve been avoiding him, thatโs why you wanted fucking nothing to do with him last night.
You thought you werenโt important to him. You thought you werenโt the most important person in his life. You thought he wanted you for just sex and nothing else.ย
Jesus fucking Christ.ย
He slowly stood up, his expression one of horror and guilt. โNo, thatโs not true. I swear to God itโs not true,โ he swore, taking a step towards you. โBaby, you gotta believe me. That was a fuckinโ lie, okay? I said that shit to protect you, to keep Clay off your back.โ
You glared at him, a humorless laugh leaving your lips. โCut the shit, Jax,โ
He shook his head quickly. โNo, I swear. I never meant for you to hear that shit. It was a lie. A fuckinโ stupid lie to keep you away from all this bullshit,โ he pressed, sounding more desperate than he ever had in his life. โYouโre not just some girl to me, youโre everything. I love you, Iโve loved you for so long.โ
โOh, donโt even try to fucking lie to me right now, Jax,โ you muttered, glaring at him even more as your eyes filled with tears, and he had never hated himself more than he did right now. โI fucking heard you. You said I meant nothing to you, and you implied that we were just fucking around. You expect me to just believe you lied about that? I heard those words come from your mouth with my own ears.โ
Jax hated it when you cried, because it made him panic more than anything else ever had. It was one of the worst sights to see, your pretty eyes tinting red and filling with tears, but these ones were all because of him, and that made it even worse.ย
โPlease. I swear on my life, Iโm telling the truth. I wanted to make Clay think you didnโt mean anything to me so heโd back off and leave you alone. It was all bullshit to keep you away from all this fuckinโ darkness I have around me,โ he begged, taking another step towards you. โEverything Iโve done is for you, to protect you. I love you more than anything.โ
You shook your head quickly, your body tensing up as you crossed your arms tighter across your chest, a way to protect yourself from him. โNo. No, donโt you fucking say that. You donโt get to say that to me,โ you said, shoulders beginning to shake a bit. โYou donโt get to tell me you love me when youโre a liar. You canโt tell me that when I donโt even know whatโs real and whatโs not anymore.โ
Jaxโs heart shattered at the obvious wall you were building up around yourself. You were building it up to protect yourself from him. โIโm sorry. Iโm so fuckinโ sorry, baby. I never meant to hurt you. Never. I just want to protect you,โ he whispered, his throat closing up as his own emotions started rushing to the surface. โI know I fucked up. I know I fucked this up, but you need to believe me when I say that youโre my whole goddamn world. I love you.โ
You winced at his words, tears beginning to roll down your face in waves as your whole body began to shake. โIโm so fucking confused,โ you cried, covering your face with your hands as you sobbed. โYou donโt know how much it hurt to hear you say those things about me. You, of all people. It felt like I was fucking dying, Jax. I was a mess for days.โ
He moved quickly, his strong arms wrapping around you like a shield. You resisted for a few seconds, but he just held you tighter, and you slumped against him. โIโm sorry. Iโm sorry. Iโm so sorry,โ he rambled, pressing a series of kisses to your temple and to the top of your head. โI love you so much. Iโm so sorry.โย
Jax slowly moved down until his back was against the front of the couch, and you were on his lap, your sobs muffled against his neck. Heโd never felt so helpless before as he held you, his own eyes burning with tears he didnโt even deserve to shed right now.ย
โYouโre my heart, and I was scared of what this life would do to you, so I lied to try and keep you away from it. At least until you warmed up to it,โ he murmured, pressing another kiss to your head. โYouโre the only thing thatโs ever made sense to me, baby. Iโd fuckinโ die for you, I swear I would.โย
You were his past, his present, and he wanted you to be his future too. He couldnโt live without you, he wouldnโt. He didnโt know how to, and he didnโt want to. He didnโt know how he was going to fully fix this distance he put between you and him, but he wouldnโt give up on you. That was one thing heโd never do.
Your eyes were red and you had streaks of tears on your cheeks when you pulled away from his neck. Your face was flushed, and your bottom lip was trembling as you looked at him, and yet you were as pretty as ever to him. โI want you to tell me everything. I want to know everything, even the things you donโt want me to know, okay?โ you weakly requested, โThatโs the only way this will work. And as long as you donโt say things you donโt mean about me, even if you think youโre just protecting me.โ
Jax felt like his heart was in his throat as he slumped back against the couch, his hands coming up to cradle your face. His thumbs wiped at your tears, the tension in his body fading a bit as looked up at you. โMy pretty girl,โ he rasped, his voice quiet as you hesitantly leaned into his touch. โYou deserve so much more than me. But youโre mine. And I promise Iโll tell you everything. Anything you want to know.โ
You nodded slowly, your shaky hands coming up to rest on his shoulders. โWeโll start slow. Take ourโฆ take our time,โ you stated, your breathing starting to even out, though your voice was still quiet. โBut no more lies, Jax. No more secrets, or I swear I will never talk to you again.โย
Like hell heโd ever let that happen. โNo more lies, no more secrets,โ he vowed, and he hoped like hell heโd be able to stick to it. In this world, his job had always been to protect you, he wasnโt about to stop now. You were his biggest weakness, but you also made him stronger, because thanks to you, he has something to fight for now. โIโll never stop lovinโ you, baby. Never. You have to believe that.โ
He heard the way your breath hitched, and felt the way your hands gripped his shoulders tighter, and he watched as a small, hesitant smile formed on your face. โI do,โ you murmured, then pursed your lips. โWell, at least I think I do.โ
Jax shook his head, one of his hands coming up to cradle the back of your neck, and he pulled you flush against him. โI shouldโve found a better way to protect you,โ he muttered, his other arm wrapping tightly around your waist. โIโll make this better. Iโll make it right.โย
He had to, because he couldnโt live without you.
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Once again, I apologize for this being so long, I didnโt plan for it to be, I swear. Thank you for 6.2k followers x | @montgomery-929496 @skel-skell
