ok. @macaroniandqueef - Tumblr Blog

dirtbaby2016

The Beatles: Not a single song in a Bionicle commercial

The All American Rejects: Has a song in a Bionicle commercial

pretty clear to me who comes out on top…

boroslegionaries

The Beatles? Definately the Beatles.

dirtbaby2016

wrong.

boroslegionaries

explain?

dirtbaby2016

The Beatles: Not a single song in a Bionicle commercial

The All American Rejects: Has a song in a Bionicle commerical

clubsdeuce

local asshole tries to look badass unsuccessfully while getting fucked up by wind

thelovelybones124-deactivated20

I’m sorry if I’ve ever been that toxic person in someone’s life &/or hindered anyone’s growth. Even in the smallest of ways

mengerstragedy

i’m not! i’m a god damn obstacle bitch!!!

markv5

Если бы я был художником

themoonsoldourmemories

I don’t even want a translation this is the funniest thing ever

394627486283962718494

Stephen King legiterally looks like Cindy Lou Who’s dad

xanderrific

le….legiterally?

destructoray

You mock him because you know he’s right

jonstavk

Can you believe that “Treat yo self” from Parks + Rec became so iconic that people now use it as an excuse to plunge themselves into debt

yourresidentginger

my anxiety has a loophole that if somebody is else is equally or more uncomfortable I develop the sudden ability to Do The Thing

castielsteenwolf

i cant go and ask for more ketchup for myself but if my friend wants more ketchup im out of my seat in a second

thehotgirlproject

The mom friend override

theanimalmemes

wewerealltoblame

did you know that Friday 13th was meant to be a really good lucky day meant for fucking because it was dedicated to Freyja, the goddess of love and fertility and the patron goddess of Fridays

but then Christianity found out about it and were like “Fucking???? outside of marriage????? NO NO NO!!!” and decided it was a horrible terrible bad unlucky day and you need to be super careful of everything you do in case you die or some shit.

so thanks Christians for ruining everyone’s fucking fun

greatlordfluffernutter

Petition to bring back Friday the FUCKteenth.

flyingpurplepizzaeater

ask your doctor what the fuck

xcopy

Midweek roll call - everyone still alive?

tm37-archive

dreamlightasafeather

IF YOU NEED TO CALL 911 BUT ARE SCARED TO BECAUSE OF SOMEONE IN THE ROOM, dial and ask for a pepperoni pizza. They will ask if you know you’re calling 911. Say yes, and continue pretending you’re making an order. They’ll ask if there’s someone in the room.

You can ask how long it will take for the pizza to get to you, and they will tell you how far away a dispatcher is.

Here is an example video

t-pose-to-assert-gayness

Reblog to literally save a life

anotherdayforchaosfay

I’ve done this. I’m alive because of this.

My flat-mate’s date for the night was almost as drunk as her. She had passed out in her room and locked the door. He refused to leave because he wanted to have sex. He also demanded food because he was dealing with “whiskey dick”. He didn’t like the lack of food in the fridge. I called 911, did the stuff stated above, and he was getting PISSED about how long the “order” was taking. He took my phone, demanded they “hurry the fuck up”. Police arrived two minutes later, arrested him, and helped me file a police report. Pressing charges wasn’t necessary because he had warrants on him from THREE different states for the very thing he planned to do to me. Several months after this happened one of the officers informed me he was charged with two felonies because he crossed stay lines, and will be serving no less than 35 years in prison. The officer ripped into my flat-mate about her bringing home complete strangers, while drunk, knowing full well this shit could happen.

This was 14 years ago.

Do the pizza order, do it as calmly as you can. The dispatcher I spoke to said things like this:

“If he’s drunk say you want mushrooms.” I said I want extra mushrooms.

“If he’s threatening you with sexual assault say you want onions.” I said I want onions.

She went like this with different toppings and sauces for a description of him, like pineapple if he’s blonde, black olives if he’s tall, extra large if he’s tall, etc.

They’ve heard this sort of coded call before. They’re trained for it. They will understand what you’re saying. Order the pizza.

torios

Really though. I’m in training for dispatch and this was one of the first things they taught us. Pretend you’re talking to a friend or relative, pretend you’re ordering pizza, we’ll figure it out. We’ll word questions so you can answer in an easy, casual way. Please, just make the call and we will do everything we can to help you.