goddamn sunbeam

Mack Fabray - x - 34 - x - they/ze Name’s Mack, I'm a poet and work as a bartender at the Vogue Lounge. My southern accent is a product of having lived in Texas for nearly 10 years. I’ve tried getting rid of it, it’s not going anywhere. When I’m not working I’m either writing and performing poetry or watching paranormal shows on TV and complaining about how spirits are treated by the cast. Queer - x - bartender - x - poet

[camille-diane]

I feel like "I am no longer out to make people cry on purpose" is both an incredibly low bar and somehow still meaningful character growth.

Though for the record, I remain unconvinced that hobbies aren't just projects with better marketing.

Also, offering to share the poems feels like a dangerous thing to tell a curious person. But I'm not going to complain.

And honestly, I don't know if finding out you have a sibling comes with a correct emotional response. That feels like one of those things that's allowed to be complicated for a while. Though if the options are "only child" or "surprise sibling who seems worth getting to know," I can see the appeal of at least giving the second one a chance.

[mackfabray]

Oh, it 100% is. Or so says any therapist I've brought it up to.

Hey, that's your take, it's wrong, but you're allowed to have it.

You're one of the few people who I trust with that kind of stuff, feel free to take advantage of such a high honor.

Yeah, we'll see where I land on the emotions front. I mean, I've got friends who are like family, so having "actual" family who turn out to be friends doesn't seem like a bad thing.

[hadleyberry]

That actually sounds really interesting, I like that you ended up just going with what felt right for this version instead of forcing everything in. Once you realize you don’t have to cram every idea into a project, it takes a lot of pressure off, and you can always come back to what you left out later and use it in something else.

As for plans, so far I don't have anything super set in stone, but definitely hoping for some trips to the beach, definitely will be volunteering at the shelter a little more, maybe even take on a new foster to help with adoptions. I've also been considering a trip to an amusement park, just not entirely sure which one yet. How about you, besides hoping to get the new book out, any recreational plans yourself?

[mackfabray]

If I force it, it doesn't feel authentic to me, which is what I want. I want my work to feel like me, to feel authentic. Which can be it's own kind of pressure, but not the bad kind.

Dorney Park is close to here and rather fun, or it was the last time I was there. Which was a number of years ago. I don't, no, not anything concrete, anyway. Might find myself on a trip down to Texas to see some old friends, but we'll see what happens.

[oliverjcnes]

Yeah, I kind of lean toward the idea that it might swing back a bit in some ways, even if it’s not a full reset. Like I can see people getting tired of everything being instant and automated and wanting a bit more of the slower, hands-on stuff again. Not necessarily abandoning the tech, but just pulling it back into a more balanced place.

[mackfabray]

See, I see it swinging back based on security and privacy. So much of tech is a monitoring system now and you can tell people are getting tired of it. From there, people may see the instant gratification not be as gratifying for the price being paid.

[teddyrhodesx]

See, the fact that you casually said 2x speed already tells me we'd have very different experiences with audiobooks. I think if I tried that, my brain would just immediately check out and I'd realize ten minutes later that I hadn't absorbed a single thing that was said. Though it is kind of impressive that you're getting through more books now than when you were a kid. I feel like most people end up reading less as they get older because life gets busy, so finding a way that actually works for you is pretty nice.

[mackfabray]

2x speed is the only way I can listen to most things. It tickles my brain in just the right way. Though, there are definitely some audiobooks that I can only do about 1.25x times speed on and others I won't speed up at all, but that's more about the voice actor than the book itself. Some narrators just have voices meant to be listened at regular speed because they're just so nice. One of my favorites is A Lonely Broadcast by Kel Byron, which is one of the few horror books I truly love and cannot wait for the second one to come out.

[tinacohenchangx]

That sounds like a pretty good way to test it out without committing to too much all at once. I feel like sometimes you just have to try things and see if they stick, otherwise you can overthink it forever. Either way, I’m sure you’ll figure out what feels right for you.

[mackfabray]

Yeah, cos at the very least, if I decide I don't like it or it doesn't fit me as well, I can easily take it out and let it heal closed again. Yeah, I'll figure it out, but hopefully sooner rather than later.

[stellaschue]

Chris is actually the primary griller in the family, although Matt holds his own. Pretty much everything turns into a competitive sport when all three of us get together, I can't imagine why.

[mackfabray]

As someone who grew up without siblings, but with friends close enough to be siblings... I know exactly why.

[anastasiabeiste]

That’s very exciting news about your poetry book!! Getting close to being done is such a big deal -- do you think you’ll do any kind of release party or reading when it’s finished?

I’ve been gearing up for the end of the school year and it’s honestly hitting me harder than I thought it would. It’s been such a special year watching my class go from nervous little kitchen newbies to actually being excited about cooking. My heart is not ready to say goodbye to them.

[mackfabray]

It's been a long time coming, honestly. I thought I'd get it out last year but things changed and with it the poetry I wanted to put into it. I haven't decided. I typically do readings, but the last three times I was living on the road so it was easier to plan, no job to work around, y'know?

I can see how that would be hard, but I feel like, at the end of the day, they're going to on and use those skills for years, if not the rest of their life. And I think that's pretty fucking cool.

[camille-diane]

I suppose I can concede that you seem better at relaxing than you used to be.

Though I don't know if hobbies are the answer. Every time someone explains them to me, they just sound like projects you've somehow convinced yourself don't count as work. They just have excellent PR.

And honestly, I think the poems you keep for yourself are probably the ones I'd be most curious about.

Good is really good!

Being a sister is honestly one of my favorite life roles. There’s something nice about finding family in places you never expected to. Though I suspect if she's got any particularly good tea, you're going to have to get it from the source.

[mackfabray]

I am no longer out to make people cry on purpose, which I feel like says a lot.

Not all hobbies are projects. A lot of them are, you're not wrong, but there are hobbies that are just for fun. Like video games. I'd say reading, but even I know they can feel project-y, but learning to DNF books really helps that, but they aren't always a good, keeping busy type of hobby.

See, all people like you have to do is ask, and I'd probably share.

That it is. Though she has a kid, so that's a whole thing. Not a bad thing, but a whole thing. Cos, well, y'know.

I don't know how I feel about being a sibling, having been both an unwanted and an only child for so long, but we'll see what happens. Yes, yes, I know.

[kurtxhummels]

See, that’s the question that keeps circling back around no matter how hard I try to avoid it. I do think there always would be a little part of me wondering what would’ve happened if I said no. I just also know myself well enough to know that stepping back into that world could wake up a lot of things I've finally made peace with. And that’s a little terrifying when I finally have a life here that actually feels steady.

[mackfabray]

Okay, so... would you have more regret over saying no or over what might happen, what you might lose, by saying yes?

I've had similar thoughts about leaving, Ashford Valley, if I'm honest. About going back out onto the road. I'd probably lose Sam, I'd definitely lose the stable-enough income of working at Vogue Lounge, and I'd definitely lose money, since my truck burns through gas and parts way faster than it did before. Staying, I miss the time on the road, the places I got to see, the people I got to meet, I don't get to see the people I love as much. But, at the end of the day, I keep choosing to stay because I think I'm finally at a place in life where I don't always have to be on the go, and losing that stability? Not worth it.

So, I guess the real question, is if possibly losing the stability you have here is worth the experience?

[hadleyberry]

On the bright side, the rain has stopped and the forecast isn't showing it again for almost another two weeks, I think? I'm sorry that it bothers your back when it's not great weather, though.

And congrats on being close to your book being almost done! What kind of poetry do you write? Personally I'm just feeling a little bittersweet over yet another end of the school year and saying goodbye to another class, but also excited for summer and all the fun activities!

[mackfabray]

I don't trust it, but I am hoping the forecast stays the way it is. Winter and spring fucks me hard, but I'll live.

Thanks, I was hoping that I'd get it done in 2025 but I couldn't decide which poems to actually include and in what order, and at this point, very few of those poems actually made it into this version, but I'm not mad about it. Free form, stream of consciousness, the stuff that works best in a slam poetry context.

I can definitely see how that's bittersweet. Any exciting plans for your summer?

[oliverjcnes]

Yeah, weird but not bad feels like the most accurate way to describe a lot of it honestly. It’s just one of those things where you don’t really notice how big the shift is until you actually say it out loud and realize how different it sounds. Makes me wonder what the next version of that jump is going to look like and how soon that'll be.

[mackfabray]

Mmhmm. It's genuinely insane how big of a difference there is and because we lived through it, it doesn't feel big, but it really was. It's either going to go full tech a la cyberpunk type shit, or it's going to be a hard shift backwards.

[camille-diane]

And for the record, the fact that your immediate response was “maybe it’s buried under the weed” is not exactly helping your argument.

I'm learning... a bit. It's a process. I don't really know how to be if I'm not busy.

Still, staying somewhere because of people is probably the least concerning reason you could’ve given. Though “the blonde man with the pretty eyes” sounds dangerously close to the kind of sentence that gets somebody written into poetry.

And the half-sister being here sounds like a lot. Are you leaning more toward good, or more just complicated?

[mackfabray]

I stand by the fact weed is the best medication I've ever taken. I mean, you knew me before the weed, that person was a fucking piece of work.

I hear that is what hobbies are for. Keeps you busy but is not work.

Yeah, yeah, I know. Oh, he has. There's at least two, if not five. Now, will all of them end up in the book? Probably not, I do like to keep some of my work for myself, but still.

Good, I think. Currently, however, I just want the tea about what her and the Irish, ex-Naval officer got up to when they left my work on Saturday night.

[camille-diane]

Pretentious Mack still exists in there somewhere, possibly. Just buried beneath all the evolution. Though honestly, the pretentiousness probably helped get you here in the first place. Better self-awareness, more emotionally devastating poetry, same underlying menace.

That’s what I’m calling it for now, anyway. Until I evolve a little more myself.

Texas honestly feels very on-brand for you somehow. Though describing a place you willingly stayed for two years as “possibly a parasitic fungus” does feel a little emotionally concerning.

[mackfabray]

Is it buried under the evolution or under the weed? And in the case of the latter, it's best to leave the weed where it is.

I'd say "have you tried weed" but I imagine that wouldn't go over well given your line of work. But like, seriously, you need to learn to chill, which I know I've been telling you for literally over a decade now, but I stand by it.

It's still home, at the end of the day. Look, I didn't choose to come here, my truck broke down and it took longer to fix than originally estimated. After that... Blame the blonde man with the pretty eyes, I call my boyfriend, okay? He's like 90% of why I've stayed and will probably continue to stay. That and my half sister is here, which, that's a new development that I'm still deciding how I feel about it.

[tinacohenchangx]

Yeah, I get that. I think it’s kind of interesting how some things can feel really right in one version of your life and then just not fit anymore later on. Either way, I think you’ve got a pretty solid sense of who you are now, so you’ll probably figure out what feels right if you ever decide to change it again.

[mackfabray]

Yeah, I might see about getting my nose pierced, see how I feel about that, then go from there.

[camille-diane]

Honestly, I think this weather is singlehandedly keeping the heating pad industry alive. And if that poetry book is finished by the end of the year, I fully expect you to become unbearably pretentious about it for at least a month. You’ll have earned it.

As for me? Existing primarily through caffeine and low-level professional stress. So, you know. Thriving.

Also, vacation plans sound significantly healthier than inventory work. Anywhere you’re leaning toward yet, or are you still in the ‘open twelve tabs and accomplish nothing’ phase?

[mackfabray]

Given I thought I'd get it done last year... I dunno, but we'll see if it gets done. And... do you remember who you're talking to? The Pretentious Mack died sometime before I graduated, and you know that.

Is that what we're calling it?

I mean... they might be? Knowing me, Texas. Haven't seen my fellow chicken tendies in a hot minute, since before I found myself here. Which is over two years ago now, which, as you know, is fucking unheard of for me, but it has grown on me. Possibly like a parasitic fungus, but it has grown on me.

[teddyrhodesx]

Honestly, audiobooks kind of feel like their own category at this point, because I know a lot of people who can fly through those way faster than they would ever sit down and physically read a book. Though I guess it makes sense when you can listen while driving, cleaning, working, all that kind of stuff. Not something I could personally do because I'd get distracted and have to re-listen to a section, but I get why those who can pay better attention while multi-tasking can get so into them.

[mackfabray]

I'm a 2x speed gremlin and get through books so fast now. Like, far more than I ever did as a kid and did a lot of reading back then. I've definitely had to go back and re-listen to some things, but it's not as bad.

[matt-schue]

Damn, Mack...sucks to hear about your back. What do you usually do when the weather fucks with it?

Silving linings at least. Crossing all the things, you get that poetry book. done!

Good, good. Did a bit of Founder's Day yesterday, and now I'm working on some inventory at the station. Contemplating vacation plans, but haven't figured out where to yet.

[mackfabray]

Lay down and try not to die.

I should, but I've also been working on it for a hot minute, so I'm not 100% sure, but I'm hoping.

Oooh, fun. The vacation planning, not the inventory. Unless you like doing that kind of thing, then more power to you.