Maddie Lourd

a page dedicated to my aftg headcanons 🦊

[maddielourd]

I wouldn’t necessarily consider myself a kevaaron fan, but I do admit they have peak potential as academic rivals to lovers.

Because if I were Aaron, I’d truly crash out when it comes to Kevin. Nora said in the extra content that Aaron is always at the top of his class UNLESS Kevin is in the same class. And Kevin always criticizes Aaron for being worse than him with Exy. I can imagine Aaron WANTING to share a class with Kevin, since classes are something he’s better at than anybody else. His one (1) chance to outshine Kevin Day, but NOPE.

Stupid, beautiful Kevin has time to be the greatest Exy player in the world AND smoke him in all of his classes.

[maddielourd]

Going into TSC, I fully expected Jean to be afraid of Jeremy. Especially because he feels apprehensive about the Trojan coaches because of Coach Moriyama. I thought his fear of Riko would translate into a fear of Jeremy because he is also the team captain.

But like…

Jeremy is so sweet and soft and kind that when he says, “I’ll trip you,” Jean responds with, “You wouldn’t.”

From the very first book, Jean already knows Jeremy is a safe person.

[maddielourd]

Thinking about that time in TKM when Neil punched Aaron and “Aaron took a couple of bored steps out of Neil’s reach and calmly checked the corner of his mouth with his thumb.”

Being bored is not 🚫 a normal human response to being hit. Aaron didn’t even flinch, and I think that shows how traumatized he is because of Tilda that being struck doesn’t even phase him anymore.

It also seems like he does the same trick Neil does where he looks at a person’s arms to judge the safe distance away from them, and I think it’s so sad that they both had to learn how to do that.

[maddielourd]

“Maybe when all this is over.” “Is it ever going to be—” is actually one of the most haunting lines from aftg

[maddielourd]

A quote that gives Kevin and Riko vibes in The Oxford Critical Guide to Homer’s Iliad:

“Nevertheless, we must remember Hector’s character flaws: his rashness and his very human capacity for delusion. Here lies his tragedy. Even as he is a reputable opponent for Achilles, we know that Hector will never be his match.”

(Replace Hector with Riko and Achilles with Kevin.)

Achilles is the son of a goddess (and so is Kevin, let’s be real) and so finding a reputable opponent for either of them is virtually impossible because they’re just that good. (Take Andrew for example. The man is a brick wall, and I will die on the hill that he’s the best goalkeeper Exy has ever seen and probably will ever see, and yet in TKM when he plays against Kevin, Neil’s narration says that, “It was inevitable that Kevin would win” and that “Kevin was daring Andrew to keep up somehow.”)

The Kevin/Riko rivalry is so huge because Riko can keep up with Kevin when no one else can. He’s the only one worth considering as a reputable opponent for Kevin. But even though Riko may be the best opponent anyone has to offer, he will never be a reputable opponent for Kevin.

When it comes to being Exy players, Riko Moriyama is the only Kevin Day equivalent, but at the same time, Riko could never be Kevin’s equivalent. (A paradox sort of thing.)

Riko will never be Kevin’s match.

Kevin Day is THAT good.

[maddielourd]

Baby Boy Kevin Day Moments:

“I’d like to stay as long as Coach Wymack will have me.”

Kevin sank back onto his cushion, but he was paying more attention to Riko than where he was going. He ended up with his thigh pressed against Neil’s, hard enough Neil could feel him trembling.

He reached for Neil, but Kevin caught his arm to stop him. Riko slammed his elbow back into Kevin’s face without missing a beat.

Abby jogged the last couple steps to Kevin and crushed him in a fierce embrace. Kevin held onto her for dear life while the team hovered nearby.

Kevin had a knee hugged to his chest and his face hidden in the fold of his arm.

Kevin had eyes only for Andrew as he crouched in front of the downed goalkeeper. “So,” Kevin said, “did you have fun?”

Kevin spoke up in French. “I will watch you. If you want to drink tonight,” he added when Neil looked at him. “I won’t let you say something you’ll regret.”

“I know what he’s like,” Kevin said. Neil looked at him, but Kevin was studying his hands. “Riko. If you want to talk.”

Neil considered that, then said, “Good thing you’re not there anymore.” “Jean still is,” Kevin answered.

Kevin still hadn’t messaged Nicky by the time they reached the ice cream aisle, so Nicky gave in and called him. Neil half-expected Kevin to ignore Nicky’s call, but Kevin wasn’t so sour with them that he’d turn down a free snack.

With an astounding thirty-seven goals between their three round-three games, the Trojans were following the Ravens to the second set of death matches. “You could look less happy about this,” Nicky said when he saw Kevin’s satisfied smile. “We’re going to have to face them.”

Instead of falling he leaned forward and pressed his forehead to the mirror. “We’re all going to die,” Kevin said at last.

Then Kevin gave one of his rare real smiles, and Jeremy gave his shoulder a hard squeeze.

Kevin dragged his stare back to Wymack’s face and said, “and my father comes to all my games. That is enough.”

[maddielourd]

I want to talk about how Jeremy and Faser coded the lyrics “you were never outside with me, spent my summer months in your unwashed sheets” and “you remind me of how little I deserve” are and how the lyrics “but deep in my bones I know pain is what I earned” remind me of how Jeremy blames himself for Noah’s death and thinks he doesn’t deserve real love. 💔

(Lyrics are from Connell by Conan Gray)

[maddielourd]

Baby Boy Andrew Minyard Moments:

“I think Andrew should ask her and see if she can tell the difference.” Andrew’s smile was slow. “Okay.”

“It wasn’t me, it was the one-armed man!” Andrew yelled from out of sight.

Nicky and Andrew talked the whole way there, Nicky bouncing topics from movies to music and Andrew cheerfully arguing with almost everything he said

“Neil is a walking tragedy.” “You’re a pretty pathetic sob story yourself,” Wymack said. Andrew laughed.

Andrew went up front more interested in talking Wymack’s ear off

“You are a pipedream,” Andrew said.

“You’re not actually a sociopath, are you?” “I never said I was.”

Andrew touched Aaron’s temple where he himself was injured as if he expected to find an identical injury there.

Neil watched his knuckles go white as he leveraged himself into the car, but it wasn’t until Andrew laughed and said, “Ouch,” that Neil understood how much pain Andrew was still in.

Light flashed off the crystal figuring in Andrew’s hand as he passed it to one of the cashiers. Neil was too far away to see what shape he’d settled on, but he didn’t need to know. His thoughts were on a shelf of sparkling animals all set equidistant to each other.

“You said you’d go back for some of us. Five of us,” Neil said, splaying his fingers at Andrew. “You weren’t counting Abby or Coach. Since you trust Renee to handle the rest of the team, I’m guessing the last spot is for Dobson.”

Andrew tugged the blanket out from under them and draped it over Neil’s shoulders like a cape. Neil tried pulling the ends together over his chest but couldn’t get a good grip with bags over his fingers. Andrew watched him try twice, then pushed his hands aside and did it for him.

“Jean,” he said. “Hey, Jean. Jean Valjean. Hey. Hey. Hello.”

Andrew made himself comfortable on Neil’s left, a one-man barricade between Neil and the crowd.

“I was seven,” Andrew said. “I believed him.”

[maddielourd]

Underrated Nicky Hemmick Quote:

“You heard us earlier with the mumbo-jumbo, right? That was German. The little punks studied it at high school because they knew I could help them pass.”

I didn’t think much of this quote in the first book until I read the other two books and learned that Andrew has a photographic memory and Aaron is super smart and self-motivated.

I doubt they *needed* help passing a class. I think they just wanted help, because growing up they never had someone to quiz them on their spelling words or someone who would make flash cards with them or someone who would sit down and work through their algebra problems with them. They’ve spent their whole lives having to figure out the school stuff on their own, but now they have a parental figure willing to help them, and 🥹🥹🥹

[maddielourd]

The Trojan’s Game Part 5

💛Andrew had never understood why everyone he cared about cared about Jean so much that they tripped over each other to help him

💛He thinks he understands now

💛Drenched in sweat and breathing heavy, Neil, Jeremy, and Kevin trudge back to Andrew and Jean

💛Kevin chews Neil and Jeremy out for losing

💛Jeremy closes his eyes and rests his forehead against the end of his racquet, looking ready to fall asleep standing up. “That was brutal. Andrew, I changed my mind. You can keep Kevin”

💛Jeremy’s playful grin vanishes when he takes in the haunted expressions on Andrew’s and Jean’s faces. “What happened?”

💛Bringing up their pasts had been exhausting and painful. “Exsanguination,” Andrew says

💛A look of understanding washes over Neil’s features. “Can everyone clear out,” Neil demands unkindly

💛Jean walks off then, and Jeremy and Kevin exchange a worried look before taking off after Jean

💛Andrew stays sitting, and Neil crouches to meet his gaze. “There’s a gas station near here. Let’s get you some hot chocolate”

💛It takes them ten minutes to walk to the gas station

💛Andrew fills a paper cup with hot chocolate. He can’t make his hands stop shaking long enough to put a lid on the cup

💛“I’ve got it,” Neil says, putting the lid on for him. Neil takes the hot chocolate to the counter and pays for it

💛They head over to the empty park across the street. The park is nearly pitch-black, lit up only by the faint moonlight

💛Neil plops down on a swing, and shifts, leaving a small space next to him. “Come here?”

💛Andrew settles next to him. His thigh presses against Neil’s

💛Neil kicks the ground, sending the swing into a gentle motion

💛Andrew takes a sip of hot chocolate, enjoying the comforting warmth. The lightness in his chest returns, and he feels more okay now than he has felt since he was seven

💛The hum of his phone interrupts the quiet. Andrew’s phone is flooded with angry texts about Neil’s post from Aaron plus a text from an unknown number

💛“What’s Jean’s number?” Andrew asks

💛Neil drags his feet to stop the swing long enough to take out his phone and pull up Jean’s contact

💛The number Neil reads to him matches the number that sent, “Thank you.”

[maddielourd]

Kevin, Neil, and Andrew attend a USC Trojans Game 4/5

❤️Jeremy trails Kevin and Neil out the stadium doors. He argues against night practice the entire way

❤️Knowing Jeremy’s efforts are futile, Andrew drops into the nearest seat

❤️Jean lets out a sharp breath and sits next to Andrew. Jean stares rigidly straight ahead, making a point of not looking at Andrew. Neither look at the other

❤️Jeremy returns, changed back into his uniform

❤️Jean’s eyes open wide. “You’re not serious”

❤️Jeremy holds his hands up in a placating gesture. “If you can’t defeat them, join them? Look, I’m as confused as you are”

❤️“Aren’t you tired?” Jean asks. “You just got done with a game”

❤️Jeremy shrugs. “I am tired, but after the Trojans lost against the Foxes, that’s something I’ve been trying to work on. I’ll drive you home if you’re tired, though”

❤️Already bored of their conversation, Andrew slides one of the bracelets with Jean’s name on it off his wrist. “Want this?” he asks Jeremy

❤️“Of course,” Jeremy says, and catches the bracelet when Andrew tosses it. He slips it on without hesitation

❤️Jean blushes scarlet

❤️Kevin and Neil arrive and Kevin asks Jean if he’s playing. Jean doesn’t even blink. “No”

❤️Kevin sighs and turns to Neil and Jeremy. “We’ll run through some drills and then play a scrimmage. You two will be on a team, and I’ll be on my own team”

❤️Neil sets his duffel bag next to Andrew. “I brought your things in case you wanted to play. You could even out the teams”

❤️“Yes,” Kevin agrees. “With you on their team, it might be an even match”

❤️“Hey,” Jeremy protests, but he’s smiling good-naturedly

❤️Andrew delivers the same response as Jean. “No”

❤️Neil’s gaze falls to the floor, but he doesn’t argue. He leaves with Kevin and Jeremy

❤️Once again, a small part of Andrew wishes Neil would do something to make it easier to say no to him

❤️“Neil thinks we should talk.” Andrew forces the sentence through gritted teeth once Neil is out of earshot

❤️Somehow, the words are easier than denying Neil twice in one day

❤️Jean scoffs, and crosses his arms over his chest. “If that poorly socialized creature thinks we should do something, we shouldn’t. What does he expect us to say to each other?”

❤️“He wants us to complain about our cruel existences,” Andrew says

❤️A muscle tenses in Jean’s cheek. “I don’t complain. I endure”

❤️Andrew lets out a slow, heavy breath. “That’s fine, but for the next hour I’m willing to act as some semblance of a human being with feelings, and you can complain all you want. I will listen”

❤️Andrew had been able to lower his mask to pretend to be Aaron during the game. He could keep the mask off a little longer

❤️Silence stretches for a minute, then two, then three, proving Neil wrong. Jean isn’t going to say a single word to Andrew

❤️The heavy quiet is finally broken when Jean swallows hard and asks, “How do you feel comfortable being with Neil?”

❤️Andrew weighs his words carefully before admitting, “He knows my triggers, and avoids setting them off unnecessarily”

❤️“What are your triggers?” Jean asks, his voice soft, as if afraid the question itself is a trigger

❤️Anyone else might have gotten stabbed for asking, but Andrew had started this. Andrew forces his expression to stay neutral as he answers. “Specific words, tickling, being called AJ”

❤️Jean winces, like he understood how much those words had cost Andrew. White-knuckling the metal armrest between them, Jean says, “I avoid looking at oat milk in grocery stores”

❤️Things snowball from there. Instead of only talking about their triggers, they start talking about why those things are triggers. Andrew tells Jean to tell him to stop if he starts to say too much, but Jean never tells him to stop. Jean listens to him, and he listens to Jean, trading secret for secret

❤️Andrew feels a strange and unfamiliar lightness in his chest. He thinks of all the years he spent with the worst happening to him and being forced to go on like nothing had happened. He thinks of all the years he spent wanting to scream and show everyone how disturbed it had made him, and not being able to

[maddielourd]

The Trojan’s Game Part 3

💛The stadium is within close walking distance of the hotel. Kevin wears one of the many USC hoodies he keeps in his closet, with the hood pulled up to hide his face

💛Kevin pretends not to know Neil and Andrew who are wearing obnoxious gold sequin shorts and custom-made hoodies with “USC” on the front and “Moreau” on the back

💛Neil and Andrew had painted France’s flag on each other’s faces, and are each wearing twenty-nine red and gold Jean-themed friendship bracelets

💛And then there’s the poster…

💛Andrew holds the poster while Neil takes a selfie of them together outside of the stadium. Neil posts the picture on all his social media accounts with the caption, “I’m so happy to be supporting my best friend Jean Moreau with my other best friend Aaron Minyard”

💛Neil then shuts off his phone so he won’t see the creative death threats Aaron will inevitably send him when he finds out

💛They were here to troll Jean, but trolling Aaron in the meantime was an added bonus

💛They then find their seats in the lower bowl. The Trojans are about to start warm-ups, and Jeremy notices them first

💛A massive grin stretches across Jeremy’s face as he nudges Jean’s arm to point them out in the crowd

💛Jean scowls in their direction, and Neil and Andrew lift the poster so he can get a better look, before they both pivot in unison displaying Jean’s last name printed across their backs

💛Jeremy thinks Jean has the sweetest, most supportive friends ever

💛Jeremy: 💗🥹💝💘😍🫠🩷

💛Jean: 🔪🩸🩸☠️🪦🩸🩸🩸

💛Secretly Jean loves it

💛The Trojans start running laps around the court. Jeremy and Jean keep pace with each other. Jeremy waves every time they circle around in front of the three Foxes

💛Staying in character, Neil fake swoons every time Jean glares in their direction. “Did you see that? THE Jean Moreau looked at me!”

💛In the driest voice ever, Andrew responds with, "No, he was definitely looking at me, not you”

💛Neil bites his lip to hide a grin

💛Andrew realizes that it feels sort of nice being Aaron. He doesn’t have to overthink every word that comes out of his mouth. He doesn’t have to resent Exy or resent being here, because tonight he’s Aaron, and Aaron occasionally gets invested in Exy games

💛The Trojans win the game (Kevin would cry if they didn’t)

💛People start leaving the stadium, except for the die-hard fans that crowd Kevin wanting pictures and autographs

💛Occasionally, someone will approach Neil and Andrew. Andrew uses his photographic memory to forge Aaron’s signature when asked for autographs (Aaron’s handwriting is truly terrible. He’ll make a good doctor)

💛After all of his fans have left, Kevin drags Andrew and Neil with him to go looking for Rhemann in a dead quiet stadium

💛They are almost to the team bench area when Jeremy’s voice splits the silence from behind them. “Kevin Day! I am your biggest fan! Could I get your autograph?”

💛Kevin turns, smiling a rare genuine grin

💛Jean is with Jeremy, and they’ve both changed out of their Exy uniforms and into casual clothes

💛Jean glares daggers at Kevin who takes the pen and blank paper Jeremy offers him. He’s about to ink his name at the top of the paper when Jeremy catches his wrist and directs his hand down to a specific spot at the bottom of the page

💛A flicker of confusion crosses Kevin’s face, but he trusts Jeremy enough not to question it

💛Kevin signs his name

💛Jeremy lets out a breathless laugh. “I can’t believe that worked!”

💛Jean rolls his eyes, and Jeremy digs his fingernails into the edge of the blank paper, pulling at it until he’s separated the two papers he stuck together

💛The paper that had been on top was a regular sheet of printer paper that had a small square cut out of it

💛Kevin had signed through the square, and onto the second sheet of paper with words that had been covered up by the first piece of paper

💛The second piece of paper was the signature page for a contract to play with the USC Trojans

💛Neil snorts out a laugh

💛Kevin smiles, because he’s living out his Wattpad fanfic dreams. “So if I’m a Trojan now, does that mean I have access to the court for practice?”

💛“Well, yeah,” Jeremy responds

💛Kevin doesn’t waste a second. He starts in the direction out of the stadium. “Neil, help me get our stuff. We have a lot of catching up to do”

💛Jeremy frowns as some of the amusement drains from his face. “I didn’t realize you meant right now”

[maddielourd]

Kevin, Neil, and Andrew Attend a Trojans Game Part 2

❤️Neil responds in German. “He didn’t touch me like that. That didn’t happen to me at the Nest”

❤️For a moment, a heavy weight leaves Andrew’s chest before dread floods back in. “But that did happen to Jean.” It isn’t so much a question as it is a statement

❤️Neil doesn’t confirm or deny anything. Instead he asks, “Have you ever talked with Betsy about Drake in any of your sessions?”

❤️Andrew laughs, surprising himself. Involuntarily laughing was an agitated tic he thought had stopped when he was no longer forced to take drugs. “Why would I? I wouldn’t want to have to pay for my therapist’s therapy”

❤️Neil goes quiet, breaking their eye contact to stare at the wall. “In our last session, Betsy said something…interesting”

❤️Neil grimaces like it physically pains him to force those words out, but those words are enough to bring Andrew back after disassociating away

❤️“She told me a person who has been stabbed is more likely to trust a stranger who has also been stabbed to take the knife out as opposed to a friend or family member who hasn’t been stabbed,” Neil says. “Because the stranger understands exactly where it hurts, and even if they don’t know the right way to take the knife out, they know how to avoid the wrong ways that cause more pain because they have felt it before. The stranger is also less likely to minimize the pain”

❤️Andrew clenches his jaw, not liking where Neil is going with this. “You shouldn’t remove a knife from a stab wound. It leads to exsanguination. You’re the Butcher’s son, to think you would know this”

❤️Neil blinks slowly at him. “Eventually the knife needs to come out before the wound can start to heal. If you both agreed—”

❤️Andrew’s tone is firm and level when he says, “No”

❤️Because of Luther, Andrew knows better than to willingly open up to people, and that seems to be exactly what Neil is suggesting

❤️Neil’s shoulders slump slightly, but he accepts Andrew’s response with a nod. “Okay”

❤️A small part of Andrew wishes Neil had pushed harder or tried to force him to comply or done something to make it easier to say no to him. But Neil’s the first person to repeatedly prove that “no” actually means something when Andrew says it, which is why Andrew has never been able to deny him in the past

❤️It’s the reason why Andrew is in California, and why he agreed to act like a Jean Moreau fangirl with Neil at the USC game so long as he got to claim to be Aaron

[maddielourd]

Headcanon:

Kevin, Neil, and Andrew attend a USC Trojans Game 1/5

💛It’s Kevin’s dream to watch his favorite Exy team play in person, but he doesn’t want to go alone, so he convinces Neil to come with. Kevin and Neil drag Andrew with them too

💛On the plane ride to California, Kevin and Neil sandwich Andrew in between them, because statistically the middle seat is the safest. They also sit at the back, not just because it’s statistically safer, but because having a wall behind him makes Andrew feel safer

💛Neil tosses a pair of wrapped earplugs at Andrew

💛Andrew stares at the earplugs in disbelief

💛“I need to be able to hear,” Andrew says, his voice too flat compared to the dread he feels at the thought of being vulnerable to all potential threats around him

💛Neil notices the subtle shift in Andrew’s expression. “You don’t have to use them,” Neil says. “But if you want to, I’ll make sure nothing bad happens”

💛Andrew’s shoulders remain rigid

💛Neil tries again by saying, “You’re safe. There’s a reason we strategically put Kevin in the aisle seat. If a murderer comes after us, they’ll have to get through Kevin first, and he’ll fight them long enough for us to figure out what’s happening and save ourselves, even if it’s too late for Kevin”

💛Kevin shoots Neil a glare before putting his earphones in to block Neil out

💛Andrew isn’t comforted by Neil’s words, but that’s unsurprising

💛Andrew rolls the packet of earplugs between his fingers, because he’s actually considering using them to block out the harsh engine noise that makes it impossible to forget he’s 35,000 feet above where he wants to be

💛Slowly, Andrew rips open the plastic packaging, and pops the earplugs in. He drops his head against Neil’s shoulder so he doesn’t have to see Neil’s reaction

💛Andrew closes his eyes, willingly relinquishing two of his senses, and trusting Neil to not let anything bad happen

💛Neil absentmindedly rubs soothing circles into Andrew’s scalp while he listens to an Exy-related podcast

💛They have never shown affection like this in public before. Only the people closest to them know that they are dating

💛For the first time, Andrew isn’t completely miserable on a flight

💛After their flight lands, they have to stop by baggage claim, because Kevin packed their Exy gear. They missed afternoon practice because they were on a plane, and Kevin is pretty certain he can find a way to convince Rhemann to let him use his court after the game is over (he’s obsessed)

💛They then take a taxi to their hotel

💛While Kevin showers, Neil and Andrew get started making a Jean Moreau poster (they’re only here so they can troll Jean)

💛They previously printed out a bunch of blown-up photos of Jean’s face, and brought copious amounts of glitter and colorful heart stickers

💛Neil tries to write “We Love Jean Moreau” with Sharpie, but the marker slips from his tired fingers. He shakes out his hand that’s stiff from playing with Andrew’s hair for so long

💛Andrew takes the Sharpie and picks up where Neil left off. “You’re an idiot”

💛Neil grins. “It was a good hand muscle workout”

💛“I hate you,” Andrew says, even though silently he’s grateful. He feels a rush of uninvited affection. He still hasn’t figured out how Neil got this hold on him, but bile rises in his throat whenever he thinks of someone hurting Neil in the way he was hurt

💛Being in California again causes some of the worst thoughts inside of Andrew’s head to rush to the surface

💛Even though it’s unlikely that Kevin can hear them, Andrew switches to German to ask, “Did Johnson ever touch you?”

💛Andrew had already gotten an answer from Jean, but he needs to hear it from Neil

[maddielourd]

no thoughts, just a six-year-old Andrew Minyard at the doctor’s office with strep throat. A little girl is sitting with him in the waiting room eating a Happy Meal on her mom’s lap. Andrew traces circles into his own hands, thinking that the comforting taste of chicken nuggets and french fries would help him feel better. He knows he’s not supposed to ask for things, but a pang of desperation makes him forget to be cautious. He sits up straight, gathering his courage, and turns to his foster dad to ask if they can get a Happy Meal on the way home.

“No,” his foster dad snaps. “It was already enough of an inconvenience bringing you here.”

no thoughts, just a six-year-old Andrew Minyard shrinking back into himself as tears sting in his eyes. A six-year-old Andrew Minyard learning not to want things.

no thoughts, just a twenty-year-old Nicky Hemmick leaving the doctor’s office with Andrew who probably has strep throat, but wouldn’t let the doctor get close enough to check. Drained from the day, Nicky stops at the McDonald’s drive thru and asks Andrew what he wants. Andrew snaps that he isn’t hungry. Nicky decides to buy him a Happy Meal as a way of avoiding food waste if Andrew truly isn’t hungry, but also so Andrew has something to eat if he actually is hungry.

no thoughts, just a twenty-year-old Nicky Hemmick feeling guilty for not having the energy to make something at home for Andrew to eat, and not knowing he’s given Andrew exactly what he needed.

[maddielourd]

POV: you’ve been hanging around Kevin Day so much you start to sound just like him

“The Catamounts were a wretched team,” Andrew said. “They brought that ridicule upon themselves.”

(This is from The King’s Men btw)

[maddielourd]

“Don’t look at me like that. I am not your answer, and you sure as fuck aren’t mine.”

Here’s My Interpretation of this Line and Why it Hurts Me and Keeps Me Up at Night:

Neil was so irrevocably lost and lonely before Andrew gave him a key and told him to stay.

Just like how Andrew was so irrevocably lost and lonely when Cass gave him a key and told him to stay.

During their conversation on the roof, Andrew watches an innocent light replace the fear and desperation written on Neil’s face. The expression is painfully familiar, because it’s the same look Andrew had given Cass when he thought she was the one who would save him from the constant pain. It’s the same look Andrew had given Cass when he thought she was the answer to everything.

And now Neil is looking at Andrew like he’s the answer to everything, but he’s not.

He’s not, because trusting Cass meant forever losing the first and only true spark of hope Andrew has ever felt. And now that spark is back, though this time it is in Neil’s eyes. And Andrew is terrified he’ll have to watch the same spark fade again. He doesn’t want to end up becoming the shattered dream for Neil that Cass was for him.