two times richie tozier loved eddie kaspbrak (or one time with a slight 27-year memory gap)
Richie Tozier has always been a simple man. He could count the things he loved on one hand. Rock & roll, street fighter, ice cream, and Eddie Kaspbrak. That last one came as a revelation to him when he was 13. The summer of a killer clown also became the summer of his first love. At night he would dream of red shorts, fanny packs, inhalers, and sun-kissed skin splattered with freckles. He didnāt know how to take this new revelation. He started joking more and more about fucking Eddie's mom and the ālength of his junkā as a way to try and deflect. No one batted an eye at Richie trash-mouth Tozier. Crude jokes were his thing.
It wasnāt until Henry Bowers had called him that word in the arcade. Of course, heād heard that word before, but hearing it directed at him changed everything. He felt wrong. Boys were supposed to like girls, not other boys. Especially not their short, tan, brown-eyed best friends. He felt wrong and dirty, and Eddie didnāt like dirty things- so how could he ever like Richie? Feelings slowly became bottled up and Richie felt as if he may explode. That's when he found himself at the infamous kissing bridge of Derry, Maine; crouched on his knees, swiss army knife in hand. He didnāt even stop to think āwhat if Henry Bowers sees?ā or worse- āwhat if Eddie sees?ā. He couldnāt stop his hand as it carved the letters in the wood. After it was all said and done, he felt relived. His feelings were still there, of course, but writing it out- it felt good. Freeing almost.
After that summer, the losers slowly drifted apart. And as the space between them grew bigger, their memories of what happened grew smaller. In the end, Richie and Eddie were what was left of the ālosers clubā. Richie felt as if the universe were laughing at him. āStupid boy. Heāll never like you the way you like him. But here- be his best friend, see him everyday, walk him to and from school. All while you keep your secret bottled upā. Richie hated the universe. Richie hated most everything these days. His love for street fighter going down the drain after the arcade fiasco, his love for ice cream dwindling as he became older, and his love for rock & roll decreasing as well. Eddie, on the other hand, was different. This love he could not shake. Eddie was kind, and smart, and incredibly sassy for someone of his stature. He could hold his own when Richie joked around, poking fun at him. It was one of Richie's favorite things about Eddie. Eddie was the ray of sun in Richie's dark cloudy life. Eddie was everything.
Until he was nothing. Nothing but a small memory, and then? Not even that. The further Richie got from Derry, the more he forgot. He forgot the losers, he forgot the arcade, he forgot Henry Bowers and his gang, he forgot the clubhouse, he forgot the quarry, but most importantly- he forgot Eddie. For the next 27 years, Richie felt a hole in his chest where Eddie shouldāve been. He could never place his finger on exactly what was missing from his life. He was successful, famous, and rich. What else could there be? Of course, he was 40 and still closeted, but Richie assumed that this was as good as life got for someone like him. But, still. It was persistent. Nagging. Like someone had opened a door inside of him and he could not for the life of him close it. Until he saw him again.
Richie at once was hit with everything. Every memory. Chicken fights in the quarry. Movie nights at his house because Sonia Kaspbrak was an evil woman. Running from Bowers together. Shy cuddles in the hammock, legs intertwined. It was as if someone had walked inside of Richie and closed the door. Like someone had returned the missing piece of the puzzle that had gotten swept under the rug for years. It was as if Richie could breathe again, finally. He looked the same, but incredibly different all at once. He was beautiful. āUnfairā Richie thought. Of course, Eddie Kaspbrak would still be beautiful at 40. Richie spent that dinner drinking himself into oblivion, to try and deceive his feelings. āNope,ā he thought, āstill very much in loveā. As he settled in at the hotel, his eyes fluttered shut as dreams of red shorts, fanny packs, inhalers, and sun-kissed freckled skin awakened inside of him once again. Only- this time they got interrupted. A knock at his door. ā3am?ā thought Richie, āthis clown has a horrible sense of humorā. Richie opened the door, preparing for the worst- but was met with the exact opposite.
āHey Richā Eddie said, looking tired and anxious.
Richie stood in the doorway awkwardly, before he cleared his throat.
āDonāt call me thatā grumbled Eddie as he pushed past Richie into the room quickly. Richie closed the door softly behind him, turning around to look at the nervous man. Richie felt as if he were still dreaming.
āEddie what are you doing? You canāt just walk into a man's room like that without an invite. What if me and your mother were doing something private?ā Richie teased.
āRichie, I told you my mom died, asshole.ā
Richie, still uneasy, became speechless for once and looked down at his socks.
āRichieā Eddie whispered, coming closer to his old friend.
āHm?ā Richie lifted his head to look into Eddies' eyes.
Brown eyes are just brown eyes until you fall in love with someone with them.
āDo you remember? Or- are you remembering?ā Eddie asked, hesitantly, looking at Richie with a begging look in his eyes.
Richie sighed āYea, it sort of all hit me as I was driving into town. Then I saw you- um all of you guys and everything came back to meā
āI canāt believe I forgot youā Eddie said, voice a little lower.
āYea Eds, me neither. Iām pretty hard to forget. Or at least thatās what the ladies tell meā Richie joked, nervously. Heās horrible at this shit. He wants to be genuine but he doesnāt know-how.
āRichie, god damn it can you ever be serious?ā Eddie said lightheartedly, but with a firmness behind it.
āWoah. Okay. Iām sorry Eds. I run my mouth too much, you know me.ā Richie said as he ran his hands through his hair.
Eddie stepped closer to Richie, definitely invading his bubble. Richie breath quickened, he hoped Eddie didnāt notice.
āI said, donāt call me thatā Eddie looked into his eyes.
Richie had no idea where this was going, it was uncharted territory. His heart was beating in his chest and he felt 13 all over again.
Eddie reached down and lightly touched his fingertips to Richieās, caressing his fingers down Richie's hand.
āEddie-ā Richie breathed out, feeling goosebumps where the shorter man was touching him. Eddie got even closer (if that was possible) and grabbed Richie's hand fully.
āRichie, Iāve been thinking all night, and I donāt know if itās cause Iām still kind of drunk or what but Iāve been slowly remembering us. We were best friends. Do you remember?ā
Richie started to say yes but Eddie continued on, talking fast.
āWe were best friends, and. And I- Iāve missed you Rich. Without even remembering you, Iāve missed you. Like.. like there was this piece of me missing and tonight I look at you and Iām whole againā Eddie said all at once, blushing and looking down.
Richie suddenly felt bold. He took his free hand, the one Eddie wasn't grasping on to, and brought it to Eddieās cheek, lifting his head up so they were looking into each other's eyes again.
āEddie- you know Iāve missed you tooā Richie said softly, glimpsing for a second at the other man's lips.
Eddie gave a soft smile and squeezed Richieās hand.
āRichie...ā Eddie started, looking scared as ever. āYou know I-ā
And just then there was a loud knock at Richieās door.
āRichie! Are you up? Meeting downstairs. Itās an emergencyā.
Ben, of course. Ben had to come and ruin this moment. Eddie stepped back as if he had been burned, dropping his hand from Richieās, snapping back into reality.
āEdsā Richie started, reaching out for him.
āWe should go downstairsā Eddie said and looked down at the ground again, walking quickly past Richie to open the door and leave.
Richieās heart ached in his chest. What was about to happen before Ben interrupted? He stood in his doorway, aggravated. āFuck you, universe. Fuck youā.
Next thing Richie knows, heās being dragged into Neibolt again, and heās scared. Heās even more scared now than he was last time, and he knows Eddie is too. Eddie is not weak though. Eddie may be the strongest out of them all, he has been through so much and Richie doesnāt blame him for not grabbing the knife when spider stan was on top of him. Richie could never blame Eddie.
Before traveling down deeper, Richie lets Eddie know how courageous he really is. How brave Richie knows he is. Itās beautiful and sentimental and Richie, of course, has to ruin it by patting Eddie on his bandaged face. Itās the last time they ever have a conversation, but neither know that at the time.
Minutes (hours?) later, Richie finds himself laying back down in the cavern. The breath knocked out of him. Dazed, he looks up and the first thing he sees is Eddie. His Eddie. Eddie whom he has loved since he was 13. Eddie who is scared of germs and has every allergy under the sun. Eddie who prefers bright colors in contrast to Richieās preferred subdued tones. Eddie who is incredibly smart and tutored Richie countless times in high school. Eddie who would rather watch a movie at home on the couch than in the theatre. Eddie who doesnāt care for comics but would sit and read them with Richie for hours. Eddie who had a rough life at home but always wore a smile when with Richie. Eddie. The most beautiful man Richie has seen in his life. Above him, proud, yelling how he killed It, how he was brave. Eddie, who quickly bent down and kissed Richie in all the excitement. The kiss is a first but it feels like the middle of something, like finishing a sentence, like the exhale from a long-drawn breath. Itās the first time their mouths have touched but it doesnāt feel new, doesnāt feel unknown. It feels like coming home, in the best way possible. Leaning down to kiss Richie shouldāve put Eddie out of the way of Its claw. He shouldāve lived. Things shouldāve been okay. If only.
There lips were still touching when he was impaled. Eddie gasped into Richieās mouth and he stilled. Pulling back, he put his hands around the wound coming out of his stomach. Richie could only stare helplessly as his love started to bleed out of his mouth. Could only look up through his blood-stained glasses as Eddie whispered Richieās name twice before being thrown across the cavern, to later die. Not in Richieās arms though, no. The universe wouldnāt let him have that. The universe had to get the last laugh. Had to have Eddie take his final breath when Richie was away for a moment.
āThis isnāt how things shouldāve endedā, Richie thought, staring at Eddieās blood on his glasses, surrounded by his friends in the quarry. āEddie should be hereā. Richie sobbed, and his friends held him like they held Bill 27 years ago. It was unspoken, but they knew.
Months later, Ben and Beverly tie the knot. Bill and Eudora are finishing a movie. Mike is lounging on a Florida beach, sun on his skin. Richie, however, is not blessed with such happiness. Every night he goes to sleep, and his dreams begin the same. Red shorts, fanny packs, inhalers, and sun-kissed freckled skin. But they always end the same as well. First kisses, flashing lights, bloody glasses, and a dead Eddie in his arms.
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