As Jairus spoke, tears Renee was apparently helpless to control leaked from her; it wasn’t the dramatic meltdown she had already had, several times over, but none of what Jairus said was without impact. She had brushed off so much of what he had said to her over the years, content to think she knew better, but had she ever really? “A century.” A pause, as she slowly tried to pick the right words to get to the heart of it. “I teased you for being in love with Zahariel, for needing him for nearly a century. Why didn’t you once make me see how badly I’ve always needed Belial?” Maybe that would have made it hurt so much less, if she had consciously known the full extent of it, the way she was dependent on Belial to anchor herself, the way she needed him because he was the only family she could remember, because he had known what she could be before she herself had even understood, because, much as he had annoyed her and done things no one else would even consider tolerating, she was so afraid to be alone.
“I don’t think I can do any of those things,” she admittedly softly, gaze on him, almost begging in her fashion for him to understand; if he couldn’t who would? “Everything I remember, everything, all of it, has him there. I used to fight him on the idea that he had made me. It made me crazy, the idea that he could claim so much of me and I refused to believe that I was anything less than my own.” A pause, before further whispered confession slipped from her, dissolving further into tears as it did, “But I– I was wrong. So, so wrong.” Body shook for a moment, as she struggled, pointlessly wiping at tears, “And I just feel so empty.”
Jairus didn’t move as the tears began to fall, other than to offer a handkerchief from one of his many pockets. If it were anyone else, he’d be up and gathering them into his arms, but he and Renee didn’t have that type or relationship, and he’d never disrespect her by treating her in a way she deemed ‘weak’. What Renee was feeling, what she was going through, was so similar to Jairus’ own experience that his heart ached for her, but there was little he could do. Not when he himself was still struggling with his new reality, day after day. “There’s...not much I can tell you, that you don’t already know, or will hear a thousand times over, but--the fact of the matter is, there’s so little we know about ourselves, or those we’re connected to, until they’re gone.” Shifting back in his seat, he looked away to give her a brief bit of privacy as he tried to think through the ways that he could comfort her, but he was still as lost as she was in that moment. “A day doesn’t go by where I don’t think about him..” There was a small part of him that was envious of her, for even though her bond was severed...Belial was still alive. Whereas Jairus would never see Zahariel again, “Some days..” He took a deep breath, and admitted to something he’d never spoken aloud to anyone else, “Some days, I can still hear his voice in my head, and it feels--like, if I turn around, he will be there, and everything willl be okay. Everything will go back to the way it once was, and it’s in that moment that it hurts the worst.” Looking back to her, he scrubbed a hand over his head, “It will take time to get better, and I can’t even promise it will, but you can become your own person now. That is the freedom this has allowed you. It all depends on...what type of person you want to be.”
