married to my inner world but hopelessly infatuated with reality and all her little quirks. sometimes she intices me, and sometimes she scorns me, but the day when I let her go will probably never come to pass I like my characters a little nutty tracking maellelilum (no space) [nsfw]'s are tagged
written for the snkbigbang last year.
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summary: Levi is just your run of the mill office worker who happens to stumble into a white powder conspiracy and possible murder while developing a huge-ass crush on the new and completely 100% normal executive Erwin Smith.
“It’s as if they were penned by a poet!” one tourist exclaims, stopping in the middle of a crowded metropolitan sidewalk and looking up in overdramatic wonder.
The streets of Trostopolis and filled with color. Tourists and residents alike move about, like the bouncing pixels on the screens in every window. The billboard to the left boasts the softest cashmere sweaters you could ever hope to hold and-look! The blimp above that is advertising the newest, most advanced toothpaste, with 500% more whitening agents than the current bestselling brand.
One bachelor stops on the sidewalk, stroking his chin and finding himself pulling out his wallet and phone, reading a bus-stop poster ad for a baby stroller. No matter that neither he nor any of his bachelor friends have children, it’s an investment! And children are humanity’s future, after all.
Another runs across the street, across a pedestrian crosswalk painted like piano keys, with the website and personal testimony from the famous pianist Armin Arlert painted underneath.
He’s missed his bus, but he watches the vehicle speed by with a renewed sense of hope, rather than the impending doom he felt a moment before, knowing he was missing his ride to the job he’d be fired from if he was late just one more time. After all, plastered on the side of the bus is an array of strange vegetables, announcing a sale at a nearby grocery store.
So he takes a seat on the bench with a number to call for a brand new, state of the art juicer while he waits and pulls out his phone, because with a juicer he won’t need to learn to cook dishes using any of those strange vegetables.
“Because when you work with Enterprise Industries, people want to throw their hard-earned wages at you!”
The lights go up and applause fills the room. Levi feels the people standing and walking around him clap him on the back as they do, and he smiles just the tiniest smile before ducking away to find Hange--which he hopes he does soon.
There are people who can light up a room with a smile, and thus they save their best and brightest for only the most crucial of occasions--like for when your wife walks in on you and the secretary.
Levi is not such a person. When Levi smiles it is a crooked sort of smile that doesn’t quite fit on his face; his eyes squint and bulge simultaneously, and he doesn’t know this, but he does this because he tries so hard not to laugh. He doesn’t know this, so he tries not to smile.
So instead, when people say things like,
“Great job, Levi! Man, this is why you’re our lead copywriter. You’re just so- damn eloquent!”
Levi tries his darndest not to grimace and waves instead, or covers his mouth with a cough and expresses his gratitude verbally.
“Thanks pornstache,” Levi replies nodding to the mustached co-worker he’d never spoken to before, before weaving out of the crowd and pulling Hange Zoe into a corner.
“Did we just watch a commercial about how good we are at commercials?” she asks.
“We did,” Levi replies. Levi thinks he likes Zoe, even though she’s weird and socially awkward and can’t speak to people well like a normal person-Levi thinks he likes Zoe because that’s the type of person he is-personable. And he’s understanding. He’s open-minded. And that’s why they communicate so well together, Levi thinks.
“That’s hilarious,” Hange says, popping a cheese cube into her mouth. “D’you write all that?”
“Eh. Baldy and freckles did some work too.”
“See, that’s why it’s hilarious,” Hange continues, stuffing a napkin full of cheese into her pocket. At this point Levi can’t tell if it’s the laughter or cheese that’s causing her to nearly choke. “Because you likened yourself to a poet.”
“So?”
“Have you met you?” She’s practically in tears now, and of course Levi, being so understanding, contemplates punching her in the stomach. After all, he’d rather be safe than sorry and see her choke.
“I hope you choke on that cheese,” Levi replies, holding his nose. “It makes your breath smell like toe jam.”
Hange is holding her stomach with one hand now, and pounding on the refreshments table with the other, so Levi thinks its best to stand back and let her enjoy herself, being the understanding friend he is. Levi is so understanding of a person that when the human resources director Moblit runs in, he isn’t bothered at all that his celebratory gathering is interrupted, and he is certainly not relieved.
“I’m so, so sorry to interrupt this fun and happy office gathering,” Moblit says while snatching the microphone from the podium and walking right up to the center of the room.
“I’m so, so sorry to be doing this and I don’t want to make it a big, dramatic ordeal,” Moblit says, moving to the center of the room and directing everyone to stand in a circle. “But I have really, really important. Urgent. News.”
He takes a deep breath, wondering how the best way to go about this would be. His mother always said, delivering bad news should be like taking off a bandaid. Rip it off quickly, but douse the wound in rubbing alcohol if you see it hasn’t already scabbed.
“Our head of product development, Nile Dawk, is dead,” Moblit says in one quick breath. He exhales before peering out of one eye to look for scabs and sore faces around the room. “He was just brought to the hospital, see, and. Well, he’s dead. They’re doing the autopsy right about, now I guess, and--they don’t know the cause of death. Possibly choking, I think, but not because of any evidence that was found. Anyways. That’s it! Have a nice party.”
Had the employees resumed their mingling like Moblit expected, he might have made his quick getaway without bringing the mic back to the podium.
But they don’t, so the mic drops with a loud screech of feedback, right in the center of the room, and Moblit gets stuck in the crowd that’s formed a circle around him while trying to get to the door.
Moblit can’t help but think of how he had disappointed his mother, but he squeezes through the people and out the door with rubbing alcohol on his mind and makes it all the way to the door before he looks up and sees the blond man smiling down at him.
“Oh! Right. I’m so sorry about that, it totally slipped my mind what with the--the bad news, you know,” Moblit says, hands fluttering about like the hungry butterflies in his stomach. “Doesn’t come easy. Ha. Yeah. I’ll just go back in! Don’t see why we can’t announce the new executive on the night of our previous executive’s death! Has to be done right away, doesn’t it? Don’t worry, I’m on it.”
“That’s perfectly alright,” the man smiles again, and Moblit finds his legs walking him back into the room before he’s ready.
He finds himself standing up by the podium, mic in hand, and Moblit gestures to the door like a magician’s assistant.
“One more thing!” he announces, too chipper for someone who’d just delivered news of a death. “Since you’re all here and gathered, I figured, hey! Why not kill two birds with one stone-oops, sorry, too soon? And introduce our new head of product development to you at the same party? Here he is! Erwin Smith.”
Unlike Moblit, Erwin Smith is not a man of easily shaken nerves. Unlike Moblit who was drowning in confusion over his apparent word vomit and thinking ‘oh what could the employees think of him’, Erwin Smith is the kind of person who can walk into a room like a crisp breeze, light it up with a smile.
Incidentally, the employees weren’t thinking of anything at all, apparently, because when Erwin Smith took the podium, Nile Dawk’s death was but a foggy, distant memory, and all eyes were on this majestic creature now gracing their presence.
“It’s very nice to meet you all,” Erwin says without the sort of guilt or embarrassment you’d expect to hear from someone following the announcement of a death. “As your new head of product development, I only wish to help you all, you- the brightest gems of our company- succeed. I hope that together we can make Enterprise Industries the highest grossing corporation in the country for the tenth year in a row, and that we are all in this together.
I want you all to know that I only express the most sympathetic of sentiments in regards to Mr. Nile Dawk. I never met him myself, but I hear he was a great man who had a great relationship with all of you, and I have no wish to replace him. I only wish to further the group endeavor and push forward his work. I do have just one tiny announcement to make however. We will no longer be continuing the SUGR project. Consider it scrapped. And, that is all I have to say. I hope none of this puts too much of a damper on things, and you’ll all come to work ready and enthusiastic tomorrow. I so look forward to working with you.”
Applause is the kind of thing that is often spur-of-the-moment. Or at least, that’s what everyone in the room was thinking after the suave, majestic creature had left. No one felt like clapping then, but it had felt right in the moment.
“That was weird.” An ironic line coming from Hange, Levi thinks, but he can’t help but agree.
“Yeah. But he’s hot.”
“...”
“Okay, no yeah, I get where you’re coming from.” She did. Everyone did.
***
Levi and Hange eat lunch everyday in the cafeteria together, at the table by the beam, since the first day of work together three years ago. Monday was fish, Tuesday was pasta, Wednesday was chicken, Thursday was meatloaf, and Friday was the day everyone wished they’d packed or eaten out instead.
On a normal day, Levi would look forward to their chats at lunch, but not today. It had been too long-nearly a week-since this issue came up, and Levi had finally had enough. He had to address it.
“Why the hell do you get to see him everyday, shitty glasses?”
It doesn’t help that she sets her tray down with a clatter before taking a seat with a grin.
“Because I work in R&D,” she says, smug.
“I hate you,” Levi says, slamming his head down on the table just an inch away from the mysterious pile of supposed meatloaf on his plate.
Levi knows in the back of his mind he’ll eat the fruit, toss the plate, and end up picking up a large dinner to bring home after work, but Hange doesn’t mind it at all and shoves a big spoonful in her mouth before donning a deeply contemplative look, possibly considering altering the recipe. Unbeknownst to Levi, her team created the meatloaf entirely out of pumpkin to celebrate October. All the coffee stores were doing it with their pumpkin-less Pumpkin Spice lattes, and it only felt right that the most well-funded food research group in the nation create an entirely unrelated food with nothing but pumpkin as a rise to the challenge.
“It’s weird though,” Hange says with a mouthful.
“What?”
“He cancelled the SUGR project, of all things.”
“Yeah? So?”
“That was like, Nile’s personal pet project, first of all, but it was also like this close, this close to being perfected!” Hange cries, ignoring Levi’s shrug.
It wasn’t just the food scientists. Anyone working in research and development knew how close SUGR was to completion. But Levi is a copywriter, and a shrug is the only appropriate response. Countless projects were scrapped each day, and copywriters simply just do not have the time to care- what with being up to their elbows with ad copy requests.
You know that guy who writes the fruity spiels about the Himalayan-picked berries and Phoenix tears that go into your shampoo ingredients? Levi is that guy.
And just like how that isn’t entirely true, Levi isn’t really up to his elbows in requests, but is actually playing solitaire at his desk. That’s only because what requests he does have are demanding, creatively and intellectually, and that will take time and effort. So downtime like solitaire at 3 pm is merely part of the scheduled routine to wake up and stimulate the brain cells.
Of course, Levi isn’t just a copywriter either. Hange had been right when she said Levi had a foul mouth, and he’d be the first to admit it when he’s not around work company. Or most company.
See what Levi is, is an opportunist. He knows in writing he could spin straw into gold, and so he does just that. And he knows that when he speaks to people he sounds like a cross between a thug from the inner city and drill sergeant, so he makes use of that too.
Every day at 3:15pm, Levi goes down one floor to the 5th to use the men’s room on the R&D floor. Thanks to Hange, he knows this is when everyone is in their long, mandatory meeting of various freakish presentations--meaning the bathroom is clear. But he checks anyway, because it’s not worth losing his first job over his second.
Empty.
Levi opens the last stall, puts down the seat cover and sprays it down with the Multi-purpose Anti-Bac Everything their company sells before taking a seat. He unlocks his smartphone and hums a bit.
And will you look at that--already a message. Levi picks up and he’s greeted with the familiar, languid voice of the receptionist.
“Seems Mr. Jones is becoming a regular. Can I switch you over?”
“Yeah, thanks Hitch.”
There’s a bit of sleezy hold music, and then a click. Heavy breathing. Jesus, this guy was already into it.
“H-hey.”
“Did I say you could speak?” Levi snaps, leaning back with an entirely uninterested expression on his face. The man whimpers, waiting for his orders.
Levi, plainly put, is also a phone sex operator.
“That’s better. You been getting yourself good and ready for me?”
“Y-yes--”
“What was that, you shitlicker?”
“Yes, sir!”
Though honestly the man could say anything and Levi would continue as planned since he’s barely paying attention. He rummages through his pocket until he finds what he’s looking for--a sharpie.
“Good.” He uncaps the marker, wrinkling his nose at the smell. “Now I want you on your knees…”
This too, is routine. Levi spends every other afternoon demeaning some Mr. Jones or Mr. Brown in the men’s room, and it comes so easily he feels little need to get into it. So instead, Levi holds out his sharpie and squints at the bathroom wall, looking for an empty swath of space to draw on.
He finds one, and doodles a dick while commanding the anonymous man on the other line to suck his. There’s a surprising amount of phone numbers written in this stall, and Levi wonders why the janitor routinely avoids cleaning off the graffiti. Perhaps it’s because of how frequently he would actually need to clean it.
“You like that?” Levi lowers his voice with a grunt, listening to the man’s guttural groan on the other end.
“Ohh god--”
Really though, Levi had to admit he was impressed the guy could get off on this.
“Yeah? You like my cock up your fat, worthless ass? My throbbing cock,” he exhales for effect, “up your slutty man cunt?”
This, however, comes easily for Levi--no pun intended--even though half the time he’s sure what he’s saying makes no literal sense. He doodles a Hitler-esque mustache on the caricature of their CEO on the wall to the left of him as he rambles on, giving Mr. Mike Zacharius two mustaches. The man on the other end comes with a loud cry and Levi adds some devil’s horns to the picture. Quite artistic, if he says so himself.
The man hangs up and Levi checks in with Hitch before checking the clock. It’s about time he goes back, so he flushes the toilet ceremoniously and swings the door open, heading for the sink.
To his great, utter dismay, when Levi turns around after washing his hands to reach for a towel, he comes eye to eye with Erwin Smith, the new head of product development, standing at the urinals with his hands on a body part Levi swears he isn’t looking at.
Now, there are a number of things Levi can say at this point in an attempt to dissuade any notions of Levi being some sort of depraved lunatic who sneaks off from work to have phone sex, and Levi thinks his options through carefully. He could beg, for one, that Mr. Smith ignore this ever happened and turn a blind eye. He can threaten the man, though with Levi’s size and position it’s not likely it’ll work out well. He can also attempt at a reasonable excuse to dissuade Mr. Smith from believing what he heard was 1) real, 2) phone sex, or 3) of any importance.
“I was just taking a dump,” Levi says instead, hands outstretched and dripping water onto the floor. Mr. Smith looks awfully nervous, and Levi takes it as a cue to leave. It’s not until he makes it to the elevator bank that he curses not taking a paper towel first.
The regret sinks in further and further for the rest of the day, until Levi comes home and curls up in his bed with his spoiled Persian cat.
“Snuffles, this sucks balls.”
The cat meows in what Levi chooses to believe is agreement and not a mocking ‘I told you so’ type of tone.
“I’m crippled with embarrassment and can’t even move,” Levi says, rolling over and outstretching his arms, nearly squashing his cat. ”If only someone could bring me some Female Toiletries Product, I could get up and smile with so much joy you’d think sunshine and rainbows were coming out of my ass.”
He turns to the cat. “Pretty good, right? I’m gonna use that .” Snuffles responds by putting her paw on Levi’s forehead, and Levi chooses to believe it is a sign of encouragement and not ‘No, stop.’ in cat-speak.
“This still sucks balls though,” he sighs. “He’s really fucking hot, you know? Not like, ‘shit you must be an underwear model’ kinda hot, but ‘wow fuck me and let me take you to dinner too, yeah?’ you know kind of hot.”
Snuffles looks unimpressed. “I should show you a picture,” Levi says, sitting up with an epiphany. He reaches for his phone, then remembers he forgot to snap any photos at the office gathering and slumps back down on the bed with a groan.
“The internet.” Levi sits up straight again, before bolting to his desk and opening up his laptop. “Just you wait Snuffles, I bet he’s online. God, I hope he has like, drunk photos of BookFace or something.”
The browser loads up and Levi types ERWIN SMITH into the searchbar, before adding quotes around it and a few more keywords.
The search takes longer than he expects and soon Levi finds himself leaning forward with his bottom lip stuck out, scrolling through result after result with no match. It’s strange, because Erwin isn’t that common of a name.
“Hell, the closest one is this dude from Arkansas, except he’s either dead or 209 years old,” Levi leans back and lets his head slump over the chair so he can look Snuffles in the eye. “He’s pretty hot too though, or was, when he was like--” he sits up to read the date again, “like almost 40 or something. Shit, they actually look really similar. Besides the facial hair and all.”
Snuffles looks completely unamused, and Levi takes this as his cue to fill her food bowl.
“You’re a really spoiled son of a bitch, anyone ever tell you that?” Levi leans down, stroking Snuffles’ fur before giving her a kiss. “Okay, okay, sorry for the dog reference.”
“God, I can’t believe I’m still single,” he groans.
Levi wakes up the next morning with drool crusted on his face, a cat on his chest, and the credits of some Julia Roberts movie stuck on the screen in front of him.
“Aaand this is why I’m single.”
Levi cleans up nicely though, not that he was bad on the eyes to begin with, but he washes the scent of lingering self-pity and wipes the feeling of self-indulgent awkwardness off, and puts on a dress shirt instead, and a nice tie. He banishes all memory of staying up to Google his boss from his mind and resolves to behave like a normal and unshameful human being.
“I mean, it’s not like I’m gonna see him more than twice a year or so anyway, right?” he asks Snuffles.
The elevator doors at the Enterprise Industries lobby open with a DING! and Levi steps in, jamming his thumb on the CLOSE DOOR button hoping no one else shows up. So of course they do, and some guy in a hat and trenchcoat waltzes in just as the doors start to close.
Levi rolls his eyes and hits the 6th floor button as the man hits the 5th. He takes a closer look and--meets Erwin’s eye.
“Shit. No I mean, nice hat.”
Erwin nods, giving him a nonchalant smile, and Levi hopes that means he doesn’t recognize him at all. Well more accurately, he hopes he recognizes him from the party, but not from the toilet stall after phone sex.
The elevator ride up is slow but not entirely that long, so currently Levi has a couple of choices. He can wait it out and with a few more seconds silently bid goodbye to each other and any potential romance, along with embarrassment, will all just pass. Or he could attempt to dissuade the man of any notions he did not get a chance to dissuade him of yesterday--but at the risk of bringing up something Erwin had already forgotten.
Instead, Levi sweats in a corner glancing rapidly at and away from Erwin Smith, wondering if he should ask him out.
See Erwin is not the head of his department, and so technically he isn’t his boss, is Levi’s reasoning. And so it was a perfectly normal thing to do, because that is what two people who are physically attracted to each other do--talk and figure out if they have common interests. More commonly a happening on what Levi would like to call a date. Except, are inter-office romances prohibited in the first place? Levi doesn’t know, and he makes a note to ask Moblit. He makes a note to ask Moblit with the footnote that if he says it’s prohibited he might just find Levi’s foot up his ass.
The doors open with a DING! once again, and Erwin starts to get off the lift. Levi follows him out with a wistful look on his face and finds himself walking straight into the man’s broad, broad back before Erwin turns around with a confused look on his face.
“This is the fifth floor,” he says. “If I remember correctly, you work on the sixth?”
He doesn’t say it in a condescending way. Not with that smile he puts on. “This is research and development. You work in marketing, correct?” he says in an attempt to be helpful.
Levi covers his mouth before he can politely smile in return and is glad the elevator doors are closing quickly for once, hiding his embarrassment but doing nothing for the heavy regret he once again feels. So much so that he sits in the corner of the elevator, facing the walls and hugging his knees, for a good five minutes as the lift continues to go up and down carrying groups of employees to their respective floors. He was so close to asking his not-really-boss to dinner, too.
The doors open again, and Levi pulls himself to his feet, dragging himself to his cubicle.
When he meets Hange at lunch that day the first thing he does is grab her collar and pull her down to his eye level before she even gets a chance to put down the tray. Of course, she laughs the entire way down and spills her jello onto the table.
“Spill.” Levi growls.
“What? Oh, sorry about that, you got napkins?”
“I mean about him!”
Hange strokes her chin, taking an purposely agonizingly long time before she answers, with the most serious face, “He’s a weirdo.”
“W-what?” Levi gulps. Well he hadn’t expected him to be--a man of strange tastes, though really Levi of all people should have known it was always the normal ones who wanted to do weird, kinky things. He blushed. If it’s with him, Levi thinks, he wouldn’t mind entirely.
“Wow dude no not like that, I mean, he keeps to himself, always takes lunch in his office, and he stays away from windows.”
“Windows?”
“Yeah. During our board meetings he’s always circling the room, but he always stops before he gets to the windows and then goes the other way around.’
“How is that weird?”
“Isn’t it weird?”
“Maybe he doesn’t like heights, it’s not that weird.”
“We’re on the fifth floor! It’s not that high!”
“Yeah but if you fall outta the fifth floor you can still die, can’t you?”
“That’s a good point.”
“You’ve disappointed me,” Levi shakes his head. “You know nothing, Hange Zoe.”
“Shut up.”
So they decide maybe Erwin Smith isn’t so weird after all, and finish eating lunch.
Levi doesn’t see Erwin again in the men’s room for the next week because he actively avoids the room, choosing to use what he knows would be an empty women’s restroom beside that instead.
It goes alright, and Levi doesn’t see Erwin again until their CEO Mr. Mike Zacharius calls an official meeting and Levi misses the entire thing because he’s too busy staring at Erwin’s profile from across the room. Something about discontinuing the SUGR project and all, which was entirely arbitrary to Levi considering the amount of weird shit R&D cranked out every month anyway. Zacharius had had this funny glazed-over look in his eye as he went on about thanking Erwin for sniffing out the failure or something like it.
Then of course, when Levi’s all but given up, Hange grabs him by the collar pulling him forward and getting fruit salad all over his shirt, turning his head toward the cafeteria entrance.
Erwin Smith is standing in the cafeteria, looking lost and uncomfortable. Levi gawks as he watches Erwin pick up a tray with confusion and surveys his food options with a dejected expression. He finishes loading up on what little choice he has and turns around, looking for a seat.
Upon which both Hange and Levi stand up at their little table, waving their arms like maniacs.
“Hey Mr. Smith!” Hange yells from across the room. Erwin stops, his face saying ‘I’m not sure I really want to associate with these people,’ contradicting the feet that start to walk over.
Hange grins, Levi begrudgingly acknowledges he owes her one, and Erwin stops at their table. Levi covers his mouth as he starts to give a smile bordering manic and Hange enthusiastically sits her boss down between the two of them.
“So what brings you to the cafeteria, Mr. Smith?”
“Please, call me Erwin.”
“Erwin,” Levi replies, then realizing that wasn’t what he meant when Erwin turns to look at him, expecting a second half to that sentence.
Levi and Hange divert their attention to Erwin’s tray instead, where there is an apple, a fruit cup, and some jello.
“Is that all you’re eating?” she asks.
“Oh there’s--garlic in the ...slush,” he finishes with a half shrug.
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
Lunch is quieter than any of them expects, until Hange breaks out the rapid-fire questions.
“So, what brings you to Trostopolis?” she asks.
“Funny question, actually. I’d been on my way to Europe when I got a call asking me whether I’d consider this position.”
“Why’d you say yes?” Levi looks up to watch him answer as well.
Erwin thinks. “It was an interesting opportunity. My background is in food science as well, as you know, and Enterprise Industries is such an influential company.
“Do you have a girlfriend?” Hange asks, switching gears without notice, waggling her eyebrows in an embarrassingly comic fashion. Levi wants to melt away but he’s all too interested in the answer.
“I--haha, no, between work and more work I haven’t found the time.”
“Boyfriend?” she asks, folding her hand calmly in front of her as if she were interrogating a witness, and not her actual boss.
“I assume both would require the same amount of commitment,” he responds in good nature.
Hange shrugs. “Pets?”
“My apartment doesn’t seem to allow them.”
“What about your mother?”
“My mother? Well she did have a cocker spaniel as a child.”
“Do you eat fish?”
“On occasion, when it’s not in slush form I suppose.”
All in all, Levi’s takeaway from the conversation is that Erwin Smith is a respectable adult, and a successful one at that. So when Hange texts him later when he’s at his desk to say ‘SOMETHING’S WRONG WITH ERWIN !!’ his first thought is to run down there and sock her in the gut for endangering his gorgeous life, not suspect him of illegal activity.
He texts Hange back, asking what kind of shit she pulled this time, but her reply says nothing more than to meet her after work.
“Dude, we have to follow him home,” Hange says, throwing her arm around Levi’s neck and dragging him aside.
“While that is not at all what I was expecting I actually have no problem with that--but could you tell me why?”
“You’ll see,” Hange hisses, waving a taxi down and stuffing Levi in the back.
“201 West, 59th Street,” Hange tells the driver.
“How do you know where he lives?” Levi asks, but her only reply is the mysterious glint of her glasses as she pushes them up.
“I have my ways.”
“Bullshit.”
“That’s actually an ingredient in this new rocket fuel we’re working on.”
“I did not need to know that.”
They arrive outside a swanky building and somehow the two manage to bullshit their way into the adjacent building because, luckily for them, the doorman is not opposed to taking bribes.
“Shit, he’s showering,” Levi says, trying to stop from drooling as the two of them vy for the pair of binoculars Hange brought on the excursion. They’re crouching on the fire escape of the building beside Erwin’s, watching the mirror and glass fog up as he steps into the shower.
“THERE!” Hange shouts, nearly knocking the binoculars out of Levi’s hand.
“Yeah,” Levi laments. “The windowsill just has to end there, doesn’t it…”
“No, the mirror! Look!”
“What? It’s all fogged up, you twat. You got my hopes up and everything.”
“No, look! There’s no reflection.”
“It’s all fogged up. Of course there’s no reflection. What the hell are you on about?”
Hange purses her lips and sits back down, silent for a good moment. “Okay no, you’re right. It doesn’t help that my glasses are probably fogged up too.”
“Me too, Hange, me too,” Levi sighs.
“Levi you don’t wear glasses.”
The shower is so distracting Levi forgets to ask Hange why exactly they’re committing a possible felony by stalking his not-boss and spying on him as he takes a shower. The part where he walks out of the shower with nothing but a towel that he drapes over his shoulder after he dries his hair is pretty distracting too. At the very least it has Levi and Hange fighting over the pair of binoculars.
Erwin walks all the way to the kitchen and it doesn’t even cross their minds that it’s strange this man doesn’t consider curtains or blinds, because he turns his back to them and opens the fridge.
“THAT’S BLOOD!!” Hange yells, standing quick enough to knock Levi over and into the fire escape railing, pointing in an over-dramatic fashion.
“WHAT THE HELL, HANGE.”
Levi catches his breath and picks the binoculars up from the ground before following where she’d pointed to with his line of vision.
“LOOK AT ALL THOSE RED PACKETS--IT’S BLOOD, LEVI, I’VE FIGURED IT OUT! HE’S A VAMPIRE!” she yells, grabbing for the binoculars. Levi swats her hands away, struggling to get a closer look of, admittedly, not the fridge contents.
“What kind of shit nonsense are you spouting, shitty glasses? Hey, let go!” Levi scowls, accepting defeat as the binoculars are snatched out of his hands.
“He avoids windows in the boardroom--our super reflective windows--and he won’t eat garlic, hell he didn't end up eating any of his lunch, his hair is always inhumanly perfect, and now he’s DRINKING THE GODDAMN BLOOD, LEVI JUST LOOK. I swear to god he’s a goddamn vampire.”
“That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Are you reading those books for teenagers again?”
Hange is silent until Levi kicks her lightly in the foot.
“No.”
“You’re going to rot your brain, you numbskull.”
“I have an IQ of 185, I can rot it if I want to and I’ll still be smarter than you.”
“Fuck you.”
“I’m sure you’d prefer Mr. Smith there. Or should I say, Mr. Vladimir Ivanovich.”
“What?”
“I don’t know, it sounded more vampire-like.”
“...”
“Okay you’re right. Too many teen romance books,” Hange says, folding her arms. “But. Let me tell you this. Whether you rip a bandaid off or peel it off slowly, it doesn’t really matter because the sticky part doesn’t touch the wound anyway. But you’re going to have to take it off some time and let the skin breath, Levi. You’re going to have to face your scabs. You have to face reality.”
“What the fuck are you talking about.”
“Suggestions for the commercial you’ve got to write for our new product. Edible bandaids.”
“That’s disgusting.”
They watch until Erwin finally gets dressed and Hange loses interest, dragging Levi down the fire escape with her. It doesn’t bother Levi--not the vampire theory or the potential felony--and he takes home promises of fantastic dreams that night and a good story to tell Snuffles. His mood isn’t even dampered when he cuts his finger on the can opener for the sake of Snuffles’ dinner, nor when Snuffles knocks over a lamp and Levi has to clean up a broken bulb. It doesn’t bother Levi, until the next morning when he meets Erwin again in the elevator.
He’s wearing the trench and hat again, and Levi realizes he can’t see an inch of Erwin, who has his hands in his pockets, on the reflective walls of the elevator.
Now that he thinks about it, he didn’t catch Erwin’s reflection in the bathroom that first day either.
The idea nags at Levi, just a tiny bit, but he gives Erwin the most cordial look he can without smiling anyway.
“Sorry I haven’t properly introduced myself,” Levi says, blocking Erwin’s exit and hitting the button for floor 35 as it stopped on the 5th floor. “My name’s Levi.”
“Nice to meet you properly, Levi. I really hope we’ll get along,” Erwin replies with a cordial smile without even trying. “Now if you’ll excuse me--”
“Would you go out to dinner with me?” Levi interrupts.
Erwin stops, letting the elevator doors close as he stares at Levi’s face, as if scanning for a hint of perhaps a joke, maybe.
“I--” he thinks about it, running his hand through his hair, and Levi mentally pumps his fist in the air because Erwin’s hair can get ruffled, which means Hange is wrong and his hair isn’t eternally perfect which means he is not the undead and not a vampire.
“I’d love to,” Erwin finishes, almost bashfully, and Levi feels he’s about to faint.
“Great,” he says all too fast, ignoring completely that Erwin’s gaze is fixed onto the bandaid on his finger throughout the conversation. “How about Friday? Are you free Friday? Or tomorrow? Actually--what about tonight?”
The elevators stop on the 28th floor and Levi shoves his hand onto the face of the poor fool trying to enter, shoving him out and hitting the CLOSE DOOR button behind him again.
“I--sure, yes. Why, where are you planning to take me?” Erwin says with a humorous smile on his lips.
He shoves the guilt of giving Erwin Hange’s ticket out of his mind and pushes on. “A movie,” Levi blurts out. “I have tickets to a horror marathon tonight. It’s at Sina Cinema and they’re showing things like Dracula and Frankenstein and all that shit and I was thinking we could eat there, or before, or after.”
“Ha!” It’s unexpected but Erwin laughs, and Levi follows before he realizes he’s laughing. “Sure, that sounds fantastically nostalgic. I’ll see you there then.”
“Yeah,” Levi breathes out, starry eyed as Erwin waves and leaves the elevator. He stands there with a dreamy look on his face for another five minutes before hitting the 35th floor to pay Moblit a visit.
The face he wears as he stomps onto the the 35th floor, however, is anything but dreamy, and Moblit sinks down further in his seat as he sees Levi approach through his window. For all the shit he has to go through, Moblit fully thinks he deserves his corner office. Even if it’s smaller than all the other offices on the floor.
“Hey Moblit, I need to talk to you,” Levi says, taking a seat uninvited.
“Good morning to you too, Levi,” Moblit replies with a tight smile, straightening the nameplate on his desk. “It wouldn’t hurt you to knock once in a while. And thanks for shoving your hand in my face earlier.”
“What the hell are you talking about, I wasn’t anywhere near your face earlier,” Levi replies, looking at Moblit like he’s crazy and leaving Moblit to quietly wish he had more presence.
Moblit sighs, then suddenly perks up and gestures for Levi to lean in closer. “By the way, have you heard?”
“Why are you whispering?”
“Shh, c’mere,” he says again, and Levi begrudgingly complies.
“Alright, what?”
“Nile Dawk, he was probably murdered,” Moblit says, and Levi’s eyes go wide. “Thought Hange would want to know, figured you’d pass it on.”
Levi nodded. Hange was definitely suspicious about the whole situation, though she was suspicious about most things to begin with.
“So, what, he get shot or something?”
“Bite marks,” Moblit whispers as loud as he can. “On his neck.”
A chill runs down Levi’s spine, and he grips the arms of his chair a little more tightly.
“So Dawk had a sex life,” Levi shrugs, brushing it off. “Hey I’m surprised too, but that doesn’t mean murder.”
“No they were bite marks. Like, vampire bite marks--two little punctures--like for fangs! On his neck! And,” Moblit finishes in a rasping voice. “He was drained of his blood.”
“Okay you could have started with that first part, it would’ve been more convincing.”
“So you can tell Ms. Hange that her intuition was spot on, everything about this is fishy,” Moblit continues in his loud whisper. “Especially with this new guy coming in and everything.”
“Why--I mean--why is that?” Levi asked, switching halfway to a whisper.
“See, the SUGR project, we’d already lined up so many buyers that there was literally no reason not to continue it.”
“I thought it was incomplete?” Levi asks, getting tired of whispering.
“Incomplete? No, this stuff is done! This stuff is completion itself! Hell, this stuff is what dreams are made of,” Moblit says, reaching into his drawer to pull out a ziplock bag of white powder. He tosses it to Levi, who tentatively opens it even so slightly and takes a whiff.
“Dude, Moblit, people are gonna get the wrong idea if you keep your sugar in bags this size.”
“This stuff--this stuff--it actually helps you lose weight, and lower cholesterol, and all this other health shit no one gives a fuck about! Soda companies’ll eat this stuff up! Just like the general population, en masse.”
“So does...nevermind," Levi says, absent-mindedly pocketing the bag.
“This product would’ve made Enterprise Industries a boatload of money, Levi. A bigger boatload of money than we already have.”
“I...see.” Levi says, slightly more conflicted than when he had walked into Moblit’s office.
“And then this new guy comes in the day of his death? How coincidental is that?”
“Yeah.”
“Something’s really fishy here.”
“...yeah. You have to admit he’s incredibly fuckable though.”
“I think I’m gonna have to agree to disagree with you on this one, Levi," Moblit says with a calm nod.
“You just say that because you haven’t seen his ass.”
“That is entirely a possibility.”
“His naked ass.”
“Levi, as the head of human resources it is my responsibility to tell you that is inappropriate.”
“His sculpted, naked ass.”
“Levi. Stop.”
“Hange would back me up,” Levi says, and Moblit nearly sputters.
“What was Ms. Hange doing with his naked ass?”
“Committing a possible felony,” Levi sighs. Moblit makes yet another note to note they don’t pay him enough for this. He rubs his eyes and takes a moment.
“So, what did you want to ask me?” Moblit asks, returning to a normal level of volume.
“I um,” Levi clears his throat as he sits up. “Interoffice romance?”
“Not permitted,” Moblit says with an affirmative nod. “But you’re going to do it anyway aren’t you.”
“Yeah I am.”
“Okay then,” Moblit replies, nodding again. “Just don’t let me find out.”
“Got it. Because you’d totally do the same thing if Hange ever gave you the time of day.”
Moblit just gives Levi a really angry look.
The date goes well, even though it hadn’t followed any of the 500 million scenarios Levi came up with during the rest of the day instead of getting any copy writing done. There was no Godzilla attack he needed to save Erwin from, and the two of them did not elope onto the Titanic--which was just as well considering how Levi is with the cold--and there was no telephone booth sex--do they even still have those things?--but all in all, Levi is more than satisfied, and he’s only just spotted Erwin at the theater.
“Did you wait long?” he asks, imaging flower blossoms billowing in the background as he approaches Erwin next to the ticketing box.
“Just arrived, actually.”
“Great,” Levi replies, scrambling to pull the tickets out of his pocket without taking out any of the gum packages, mints, or condoms. “I’ve got the tickets right here.”
“Thank you.” That thousand-watt smile.
Levi briefly wonders if Hange got it all wrong and Erwin is really a saint and not a vampire, before following Erwin into the theater.
It’s a campy sort of film, but the antiquated special effects are fun. Levi doesn’t even know which monster it is that’s supposed to be on screen because he’s too busy watching Erwin laugh at all the right places and smile through the rest. He’s giddy and thankful the theater is dark because Levi has a positively goofy looking grin on his face and his expression rivals the poorly constructed swamp monster’s on screen.
He fakes a yawn, halfway through the first flick, and stretches his arms out. Levi glances all too obviously back and forth while setting his arm down ever so slowly on the seat next to him, Erwin’s seat.
But Erwin doesn’t mind, even leaning into it without so much as a glance at Levi and Levi mentally pumps his fist in the air because he has his arm around Erwin Smith. Nevermind the fact that it’s actually a bit uncomfortable due to the height disparity; the two of them sit in that awkward sort of stance with dopey looks on their faces for the rest of the movie. Before he knows it they’re four hours into the marathon and it is late and he’s starving.
It turns out the cinema’s not all that far from Erwin’s penthouse and Levi offers to walk him home. Erwin agrees to let him, and Levi pays too much attention to his hand hovering awkwardly an inch away from Erwin’s the entire trip to Erwin's building. So Levi walks around with hims arms all stiff the whole two minutes it takes to get there, before they stop outside the building doors, standing about three inches from the waiting doorman.
"I had a great time," Erwin says with a smile, and Levi feels like he could get lost in his eyes forever.
"Me too," Levi replies, wishing he could lean over and kiss except and cursing the fact that he couldn't reach. Realization dawns on Levi--this is nothing like the movies he's watched where the guy walks the girl home and she's one or two steps above him on the stairs when they get to the door, putting them at the perfect level to kiss, because Erwin is too damn rich and doesn't need to take the goddamn stairs.
"Well, goodnight," Erwin says, a little unsure.
"Goodnight," Levi replies, trying to hold back his tears.
He starts to turn around and the doorman who'd been trying his hardest to ignore them flinches, but Erwin stops and looks back at Levi.
"Do you want to come up for a drink?" he asks.
"Yes," Levi replies, a little too quickly.
The two ride up the elevator and Levi hopes Erwin doesn't hear his stomach growl because he completely forgot about getting dinner at the eat-in cinema while he had his arm around Erwin.
They arrive on the top floor and Levi follows Erwin in, trying to stop his palms from sweating with sheer willpower while Erwin unlocks the door.
"Please, make yourself at home," he says, moving to the kitchen to open a bottle of wine. He returns with two glasses and guides Levi to take a seat on the sofa, handing him the dark red liquid. Erwin swirls it around, and Levi mimics, before taking a sip.
He opens his mouth but before he can say anything stupid, Erwin's lips are on his, soft, pliant, and planting smalling, kisses, barely nipping before pulls back again, each time, leaving Levi to lean further and further in like a needy idiot.
He sighs, and sets down his glass before taking Levi's nearly-tipping one from his hand, holding that hand in his as he moves in again for a kiss--before pulling just out of Levi's reach again. Levi lets out a sigh as he closes his eyes and Erwin guides Levi's hand to his lips, gently, and all too slowly, pressing a kiss to every finger.
Until he comes to the bandaged one. Erwin pauses for a moment, looking at it like he's hypnotized. Then--
--the fangs come out.
In an instant his eyes are red and glowing and the two canine teeth are three times as long, sharp, and the grip on Levi's hand turns to steel. Levi lets out the weirdest sound, a cross between a shriek and a gulp as yanks his hand back in an effort only made possible thanks to adrenaline.
"WHAT THE HELL, MAN."
The corner of Erwin's lip curls up and he starts to crawl forward as Levi scrambles backward so quickly he falls off the sofa and nearly trips getting to his feet.
"Well you did say you were asking me out to dinner..."
"I WAS THINKING LIKE, TACOS."
Erwin gives him a look that says 'really? Tacos on the first date? Have you seen me?'
“I knew it!” Levi cries, taking a step back and holding his head in his hands.
“Fuck. You’re a fucking vampire!” he groans. “God. Hange warned me. Hell, Moblit warned me.”
He peeks up at Erwin, hoping for confirmation that he’s wrong. He doesn’t get any. Even the mirror right behind them only shows Levi's reflection.
Erwin’s expression turns stone cold and paired with his red eyes is actually a good look for him, Levi thinks, and he takes another step forward as Levi takes one back in their tension-filled tango with death, and says in a completely serious tone, “Well, I suppose I’ll have to kill you now.”
Levi supposes so as well.
But as gorgeous as this creature of the night is, Levi doesn’t really want to die, not yet, and not really. So he reaches for the first thing he can get his hands on and throws it at Erwin’s face without much thought.
Erwin raises a hand to knock the object out of the way--which just so happens to be the packet of not-sugar he’d accidentally stolen from Moblit earlier--and to Levi’s surprise, cries out in pain as the plastic bag explodes in a puff of white.
Erwin's eyes water and he tries to wave the puff of powder away, wheezing in a near-comical fashion, and Levi is rather glad Erwin looks very unattractive for once, because it just may save his life.
”HOW DID YOU--KNOW--??” Erwin wheezes, and Levi brandishes a lamp as he takes another step back. He's prepared to defend himself, even mentally so, but Erwin makes no move to attack as the wheezing only intensifies.
Soon he's hunched over the back of his sofa, clawing at his throat and making the same sound Snuffles did whenever she coughed up a hairball, and Levi can't help but feel a twinge of concern.
”Uh. You okay there?” Levi asks, taking a tiny step to the side to get a better look at Erwin. He lowers the lamp, hoping it's not a mistake. ”D'you want me to, I don't know, get you some water or something?”
Erwin barely has time to shoot him a glare before returning to making his hacking sounds, and he really reminds Levi of Snuffles now.
"Dude it's just sugar,” he says, exasperated. This date is not at all going as he expected.
"Just sugar?” Erwin wheezes, slowly rising from the sofa back. ”Do you realize, do you have any idea how disgusting this substance is?”
"Um.”
"Why do you think I'm here Levi, if not to rid the world of such vile things??”
"Man you vamps really have a lot of time on your hands, don't you,” Levi muses, the reality of the situation finally sinking in. Normal people just didn't go off declaring vendettas on dumb things like that, not unless they had eternity and mind control at their disposal.
Erwin, catching Levi's skepticism, crosses his arms with a frown, intent on explaining the gravity of the situation to the little human.
"I don't think you fully understand,” Erwin sniffs. "This substance, while it smells like nothing to you, is as if someone sprayed garlic bread-scented air freshener throughout the room. And you know how we are with garlic.”
"Okay...?” Levi replies, still looking at Erwin like a child.
"Now, who are Enterprise Industries' biggest buyers for this product?”
”Soda....companies...?” Levi responds, suddenly disliking this pop quiz.
”And who drinks soda?”
”Shit I don't know. Everyone.” Worst date ever.
”Precisely.” Erwin pounded his fist onto the back of the sofa. ”This disgusting smelling sugar substitute gets in everyone's drinks, which means it gets into everyone's bloodstreams, which means it gets into my drinks--”
”Ohhhh--”
”And I'll just starve! Is that really fair, Levi? Do you think that's fair?”
”Well.”
”Vampires are never included in focus groups! It is discrimination, plain and simple.”
"Okay to be fair most people don't think you exist,” Levi interjects, and Erwin looks at him with a completely dejected look.
"We even tried bribing him and everything," Erwin sighs, looking out the window with a forlorn sort of expression. "But you humans are surprisingly stubborn."
"Wait, are you talking about Nile Dawk?"
"Yes," Erwin waved his hand dismissively. "Had a relative who died of diabetes, a father or something like that. He was dead set on finding a way to make soda healthy if he couldn't stop people from drinking it. So I did right that; made him dead. Under normal conditions I supposed it'd be an admirable endeavor, on both out ends."
Levi thinks, because he knows that even if he doesn't have an IQ as high as Hange's, he's damn creative and always the opportunist. So he thinks about his options, and take the opportunity to make an exit. He slowly takes a long step back, toward the door, and says, in his most polite tone,
"Well, that's too bad I guess! But you got what you wanted, and I've nothing against that, so! I guess we'll just call it a night. I'll call you!" he says, almost out the door before he finds himself slammed against it, Erwin's arm above him.
"Not so fast," Erwin says, his voice low and steady. "I haven't decided to trust you just yet."
"Dude I am totally on your side," Levi breathes out.
Erwin's eyes narrow. "Prove it."
“Okay yeah, I guess you're right, you can totally keep me around as a sex slave if that’s really completely necessary and unavoidable I guess.”
“What?” Erwin gives him a funny look.
“What?” Levi echoes, wide-eyed and feigning innocence.
Erwin gives him a funny look then thinks better of addressing what he may or may not have heard. “Just--help me destroy the SUGR lab so there's no research material left of it anywhere on the face of this earth and I’ll consider it.”
“Yeah boss, let’s do this,” Levi responds too enthusiastically.
Erwin hits the elevator button outside his penthouse suite and wonders whether Levi’s brain and mouth are really connected and whether he really minds.
Levi is disappointed, understandably, that they take a cab back to Enterprise Industries rather than flying through the night and infiltrating the building. But once they get there and Erwin practically hypnotises the receptionists into turning off the cameras and letting them in without logging them, he thinks that’s pretty cool and handy too.
“This is like the chillest break-in ever,” Levi comments as Erwin hits the elevator button for the 8th floor and the calming jazz plays in the background. The elevator DING!s and the doors open as Erwin shrugs.
“Never really been a fan of drama.”
The door to the lab, too, has been unlocked, thanks to the remote access the receptionists have. Erwin is already wearing a pair of leather gloves, and he chooses not to question why Levi has a pair of medical ones ready in his back pocket.
The lab equipment sits unused; left covered but not packed from the abrupt end of the project.
”I've never actually been in one of these,” Levi says, arbitrarily pulling one of the sheets off the equipment. Erwin saunters over to the megacomputer sitting in the corner of the room and boots it up.
"Convenient that all the data related to this project seems to be stored here and only here," he says
"Really?" Levi asks, walking over, sounding a little baffled. "You'd think a multi-billion corporation like this'd have better security. And back-up."
Erwin just shrugs. "There's not too much plot that can be covered in ten thousand words."
"What?" Levi gives him a funny look.
"What?" Erwin echoes, wide-eyed and feigning ignorance. "Anyways, even if there was that level of security involved, someone would have access to it all and all we'd have to do is find the guy. Like for instance, I need you to stand here right now for the retina scan. They hadn’t put my data in yet."
"Right..." Levi said, less interested than unconvinced.
"So once I delete this, and destroy the lab, the SUGR project will forever remain buried." Erwin types a few things quickly, pulling up a screen to reformat the super machine. The option starts to boot up, and the two of them look on in anticipation.
Just 54 percent more and Erwin will never have to worry about humans tasting like garlic again.
Just 39 percent more and maybe Levi still has time to get lucky tonight.
Just 21 percent left and--a CRASH comes through the window and shattered glass flies everywhere. When Levi looks up again, lowering his arm, Erwin is pinned against the whiteboard, struggling against a--another vampire?
Erwin regains his footing and tosses the other creature with superhuman strength, sending him crashing through two lab tables. Levi jumps to his feet and presses himself back against a wall.
Erwin's fangs come out, and he takes a slow step toward the fallen vampire.
"Who sent you?" he hisses.
The vampire slowly stands, the sheet once covering the table falling from his face--and Levi's jaw drops. Even Erwin is taken aback.
"Shit," Erwin says, so quiet Levi wouldn't have believed he cursed.
"Nile Dawk?" Levi chokes out.
Nile Dawk indeed.
Nile cricks his neck and stretches it out, pointing to the bite marks left on his cold skin. "I suppose I have you to thank for this?" he asks, sounding as pissed as ever.
"That...wasn't supposed to happen, actually," Erwin says, scratching his head. "Well."
"Don't you 'well,' me, you fuckface," Nile growls. "You have any idea how I felt waking up in the morgue? There are dead people everywhere."
"You didn't um, kill anyone and not clean up, did you?" Erwin asks hesitantly.
"There was a blood bank next door," Nile responds reluctantly, sounding fairly ashamed.
"Oh good," Erwin breathes a sigh of relief. "You'll save me a lot of trouble if I don't have to kill you."
Nile lets out a hoot of laughter and Levi, standing in the corner, pinches himself.
"What, you think now that you've taken my life once I'm just going to hand over my life-long project to you?"
"Well no, I'd like to destroy it, if you're referring to the contents of that computer," Erwin says, pointing at it.
"Well I'm not going to let you," Nile says, taking a step to the side, blocking Erwin's path toward it.
"Oh, I think you will," Erwin says, taking a step closer.
"Now kiss," Levi whispers, before clapping his hand over his mouth when they both give him funny looks.
There's a second of silence before Nile lunges at Erwin again, and the two zip back and forth through the lab, crashing into the walls. It goes on for nearly a minute before Levi climbs up onto a table, sucking in his breath and yelling,
"STOP IT!!"
The vampire duo crashes to the ground and they simultaneously glare at Levi.
"What the hell is in it for you anyway?!" he yells at Nile, completely incredulous.
Nile opens his mouth, about to answer--and then he realizes.
"Oh." He's a vampire too.
Erwin blinks from his position under Nile, but doesn't move. He doesn't want to disturb the moment, even if he's not really sure what's going on. Nile slowly stands, before offering a hand to help Erwin up.
"Thank you," Erwin says, and NIle nods, before holding his head and standing still in a rather catatonic way.
"Okay," Levi says, taking an emphatic step forward on the table. "Thi is the first and last time I'm gonna play responsible adult because you two bloodsucking shitheads are both older an taller and I shouldn't need to do this."
He takes a deep breath before he continues. "Now you two are going to--civilly-- delete the contents of that damn computer, and then you're gonna civilly shred that pile of documents in the binder, and dispose of any liquid or powder substances up here by flushing that shit down the toilet. You clear? I want this lab kept spic and span."
"Yes," they respond in monotoned unison, like children being chastised.
"Good," Levi says with a smug grin, hopping off the table--
--and knocking over a beaker, sending the liquid contents crashing into the petri dish of powder beside it--
--and bursting into flames.
"Shit."
They stand dumbfounded, staring at the green flames for about .3 seconds, before the entire lab table catches on fire.
Levi sweats, looking back and forth. "Shit. Shit. Is there a fire extinguisher?" he calls, voice getting ridiculously high.
He starts throwing open the cabinets, looking for one.
"Levi."
"You guys aren't helping."
"Levi," Erwin repeats, more urgently.
"What?" Levi snaps, turning around. The flames have grown, and they're creeping toward the super computer.
"That can't be good," Nile comments.
The fire alarm goes off.
Levi swears it was practically an eternity, but he finally hits the ground of the hallway after the three of them dart to the lab's double doors and throw themselves into the hallway.
It hurts, when he lands. It hurts Levi particularly, because he is still alive and has normally circulating blood, and he, unlike the other two, can still bruise. He still has his face planted in the ground when the lab blows and fire and glass implode, spilling out the lab in crinkles.
He groans and lets them pull him to his feet and then blindly follows as they run down the half.
"Here!" one of them says, and Levi doesn't even care where here is because he hurts all the way down to his bones, but he grabs onto Erwin and--SHIT SHIT SHIT THEY'RE FALLING.
Except they're not, and they're really flying. When Levi realizes this he stops screaming and flailing but doesn't loosen his grip on Erwin one bit.
They're very high up, and Levi starts to enjoy the view. Erwin sighs, and looks at Nile.
"Well I definitely have to leave now, and you certainly can't stay here with everyone thinking you're dead. Luckily, I know a guy."
NIle looks surprised, but nods. "That'd help."
"Um," Levi pipes up. "Can your guy get me a new ID too? I don't really want to go to prison."
Erwin thinks about it, then shrugs. "I don't see why not."
Levi's quiet for a moment, but then he decides to ask.
"Erwin, I--can we talk about us?"
"You want to do this now?"
"I really like you, okay? Vampire or not, I really think I like you," Levi says with a huff, pushing his hair out of his face. "I haven't let myself smile so much--ever--since I met you, and you know how hard it is to find people who like the same movies as me? There's you, and Hange, which--I guess makes sense because she's a weirdo and your cousin probably starred in Dracula, but I enjoyed it, I enjoy being with you, and--I haven't even gotten the chance to take you out on a complete first date yet!"
A smile finds its way onto Erwin's face even though he hadn't been in the mood to smile He will swear he came out on his mission with zero intention for romance, but Erwin has no qualms denying the possibility for it now.
"I really enjoyed it too," he says, staring into Levi's eyes.
"Guys I'm still here," Nile interrupts, but no one so much as glances his way.
"I--I'd like to go out on another date with you too," Erwin continues. "Maybe...we could go somewhere offshore?"
"I hear Hawaii is really nice this time of year," Levi says, sounding a little too excited for someone on the lam.
"Hawaii is the same any time of the year," Nile says.
"Even better," Levi responds.
"We're vampires, remember? Sun's not too friendly," Erwin comments quietly.
"Shit, okay, where do you want to go then?" Levi asks as they zoom past a cell tower. “We have to stop by and pick up my cat too.”
"What about Portland? It's rainy all the time, my parents are from there," Nile suddenly remembers.
"God no," Erwin says with a surprising amount of disgust. "That's like the vampire capital for teenagers."
Levi just hugs Erwin tighter, and he thinks that he doesn't really mind any of this very much at all, even if they'd just committed another possible felony. That was happening a lot these days, and Levi knows he's not the type to commit felonies and would never if he was alone, but hey, that's just what friends did, right? And it wasn't all so bad, Levi thought as he spotted a plane in the distance, because now he could travel for free.
Then suddenly, Levi's eyes widen in realization.
"Wait, shit, you can still get it up, right?"
Erwin gives him a look of disbelief.
"I'm serious, what with your not having normal blood circulation and shit. Can you still get boners?"
Nile stares, then laughs so hard he can't fly straight.
"This is really important to me!"
.
' Yo, Hange.
I hope this letter find you well, my dear friend. Do not look for me, as my disappearance was in fact premeditated, though I am not in harm's way. I suppose you've already suspected it, but allow me to confirm those suspicions--I am indeed with he who we will not name on this postcard that anyone could read.
I repeat, do not look for me, I couldn't possibly divulge information as dangerous as that.
P.S. If you're confused as to who I'm with, here is a hint: he has a really nice ass. '
Hange finishes reading the postcard and turns it over. It's a photo of the statue of Lady Historia, their national landmark in the city of Hermiha. She stares at it for a good 12 seconds. Then, she picks up the phone.
He's not getting out of hearing her say "I told you so."
ok but what if like. werewolves transform under the full moon but theres just this one and by day hes a big tough guy and then when he transforms hes a tiny dog. just fucking. just fucking turns into the tiniest, fluffiest dog
long time no Percy and Annabeth, right?:D well, crystalzelda fixed that by commissioning this gorgeous idea! It’s a scene from her The Standard Job fanfic:3
Thank you again for commissioning it and letting me upload it to tumblr!
That gif set makes me want a dalaric single dad au. Like hi, we’re chaperoning our kids and you’re hot. Idk. But someone should give me that. Wait, lets think about it…Damon being Stefan’s only family and guardian and Ric the same Elena and Jer. Yes? No? Someone love me.
prguitarman
origamiaround
romaincrisis
