RYLAN IS EASY TO FIND , or : what the fuck happened to rylan ?
well , my good friends , the past nine days have been one big ass whirlwind for me . they hardly feel like days at all — it feels like a year has passed , and i’m still reeling from everything , but what happened basically is :
on january 29th , i moved to ireland to try and hopefully start my life there . it had been a decision i’d matured around the beginning of december , and many factors had worked into it . i thought i wanted it , i thought it would be great for me — i’d seen the life of my two best friends abroad , and figured i could do it , too . plus i’d always loved ireland ! and everyone’s always saying how depressing and poor life is in central italy , and everyone’s always leaving — i guess i wanted to say i could be one of the “ brave ” ones and leave too . it would be a big new chapter for me !
except ... no . because the first day i was there , i realized i just really didn’t want to be there . it’s not that it was hard : i’d found a job already , i was getting accustomed to everything , i just ... didn’t want it . i hated the thought of having a life separated from the people i loved , i hated the idea of living in a nation without the sun , i hated the thought of my hometown becoming a wasteland because everyone kept fucking leaving . it was horrible . those first days in ireland i did nothing but cry — a homeless woman even came to cheer me up at some point , ‘cause i was fucking desperate . i felt like i’d make the biggest mistake of my life . and people kept telling me “ you just got here , things will be easier ” but all i kept thinking was : i don’t want them to be easier , in fact they’re easy enough as it is . i just don’t want this life . i realized the decision to leave had never been my decision at all — i’d had this teenage - like desire that was stuck in my brain and i just hadn’t been able to make my life start , with it running around in my mind .
i talked to my therapist , took an immense amount of walks , lost myself so . fucking . hard . and had a whole emotional odyssey ( à la mo ) in the span of five days : then , suddenly , i knew i had to come back . i wanted to find my own life , separated from my family , but in my town . i’d just spent SO MANY years reconciling myself with a land that i believed did not get me , when in fact it was me who had to change — and now that i was finally at peace with it , thanks to therapy , i turned my back on it . i hated that .
i took one last trip to the ocean ( i’d never ! seen ! the ocean ! like that ! ) , allowed myself an act of psycho-magick , as my sister would call it , cried for hours while staring at the waves and listening ( obviously ) to iaetf on a loop , and then started my way back home .
now , my sister says listening to yourself and deciding the route of your life is an act so powerful it channels the energy of the earth . i just think i got massively lucky , because on the way home a friend texted me with a job opening she’d heard of , i applied via my phone , and within 12 hours i got called for a job interview .
i flew back to italy last night , at 1 am . i had the interview this morning , and now i have a job . just like fucking that - and it’s a good one too , close to the job of my dreams .
so things are still a little hectic right now but i’m alive - and i’m happy , and at peace , and so fucking proud of myself and more confident than i’ve ever been . and i guess this is just a long ass rant to make up for the extremely depressing last post on this blog , but also to say : y’all , life really fucking rocks sometimes .
anyway ! i miss writing so . much . but i don’t know when i’ll actually have some time to write again - soon , for sure , so expect me to pop up around here and on cam , too . either way i’m always on disco so that’s where you can find me too .
neways , i hope you’ve all been doing well , babies ! can’t wait to harass you all again !! <3
