I have been (slowly) reading the book Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Ph.D., upon the recommendation of my craniosacral therapist. It is thick reading, filled with various myths and stories of the Wild Woman archetype. It is a book that ignites the strength of women, calls us to become fully awake, fully alive, fully ourselves. It is inspiring, the type of reading that I sit with for days between chapters, going back and re-reading it, underlining things, coming to understand myself more in the process.
I was reading the second chapter on my flight back to Oakland this week, and have been mulling it over for days. The chapter shares the folktale of Bluebeard, a tale which points out the many personas contained within an individual psyche. The story is about a man, Bluebeard, who tricks a young woman into being his wife by his charisma, and she accepts despite her initial gut reaction that he is dangerous. In the tale, he goes away for a trip and leaves her in charge of their household, with permission to enter any room other than one kept locked by a small key. After questioning why she shouldn't enter this room and upon the encouragement of her sisters, she unlocks the forbidden room only to find piles of corpses behind the door. She shuts the door and discovers that the key is covered in blood, in fact the key itself is bleeding and she can't get it to stop no matter how hard she tries. She hides the key in her wardrobe and when her husband comes home asking for it, he discovers every garment in her wardrobe covered with the blood of the key, revealing her disobedience. He then tells her the corpses were his previous, too-curious wives, and that now it is her time to die. She begs for a small bit of time to make her peace with God, and he allows it. She hurries off to her room to lock herself there, while calling out to her sisters who are outside, Are our brothers coming? She asks this two or three times before her sisters reply that yes, the brothers are on their way. Just as the brothers arrive, the husband storms into her room, but the brothers barrel in on horseback and kill him first.
Dr. Estés has an incredible way of picking this type of folklore apart (I don't know, it probably has something to do with the fact that she has a Ph.D.), and I won't go into it all here. Essentially, this story is about the many parts of the female psyche, and Bluebeard represents the internal predator who tries to keep the self from unlocking her full awareness. This internal predator seeks to oppose the woman's endeavors, the very light of her own psyche. The young wife in the story represents the naïvety of a young woman who hasn't yet learned to be aware of the predator, who hasn't yet learned to trust her intuition. As the story progresses, the young wife begins asking questions, begins opening doors which allow her to see everything hidden behind them, even that which is frightening, symbolizing the awakening of a woman into awareness. It is there, with blood dripping down the key, fear bubbling up in her chest, that she begins to find life.
This story shines some light into my own experience. I think about how the last three years have felt like a slow waking up, how at times I have wanted to hide from the truth I was discovering about myself and actively did so by drinking too much or not spending enough time alone. For a while, it felt like I would peel back these layers to lessons I was learning, open the doors to my own psyche, but then want to slam the door shut and hide the key, rather than face what was beyond it. Dr. Estés discusses this process:
"One of the least discussed issues of individuation is that as one shines light into the dark of the psyche as strongly as one can, the shadows, where the light is not, grow even darker. So when we illuminate some part of the psyche, there is a resultant deeper dark to contend with. This dark cannot be let alone. The key, the questions, cannot be hidden or forgotten. They must be asked. They must be answered. The deepest work is usually the darkest. A brave woman, a wisening woman, will develop the poorest psychic land, for if she builds only on the best land of her psyche, she will have for a view the least of what she is. So do not be afraid to investigate the worst. It only guarantees increase of soul power through fresh insights and opportunities for re-visioning one's life and self anew."
Over the last year or so, I have become more acquainted with these darker parts. I have stood my ground when I wanted to run from myself, and have stared my shortcomings in the face. I have learned to love better, and in the process have seen where I have failed in the past. I have sought to be more thoughtful and have seen the times before when I was reckless. Every new layer which has been peeled back has revealed so much underneath, and I believe I am finally understanding that the learning and growing will never stop.
Despite all this growth, the voice of my internal predator still exists. In fact, I think it has only been these last few months that I have really begun to notice his voice as being distinct from my own. My insecurities all lie in the belief that maybe I'm not enough, and I am learning that my darker self sees this, he knows this. He's been milking that fear for all its worth. Just last week I was in a text conversation with my boyfriend, Isaac, fretting about the future, specifically about getting new work. I listed off examples of the times I had gotten my hopes up and been let down, recounted different jobs which had fallen through for various reasons. I ranted to him that these instances were proof I wasn't talented enough, wasn't creative enough...I wasn't enough. It is the type of thinking that makes me want to tear up everything I have written, hide away every image I have taken and give up. And that is exactly the goal of the internal predator, to trick us into being quiet, to oppose our every creative intent.
How do we stop this way of thinking? Dr. Estés writes that "Consciousness is the way out of the box." It all begins with asking the right questions, with being aware of the ways we get in our own way. And then, we have to realize that we can take action. We don't have to be victims of our own negative thinking, and we certainly don't have to be victims of negative thinking that is perpetuated by people around us. The internal predator gets its fire from the lies other people have told us, the injustices we have had to face at the hands of others, the way society has dictated our beliefs and actions. And while we cannot change these external forces, we can quiet the negative parts of the internal voice, thereby changing the way we respond to our darker sides as well as to the world around us.
" We dismantle the predator by countering its diatribes with our own nurturant truths. Predator: 'You never finish anything you start.' Yourself: 'I finish many things.' We dismantle the assaults of the natural predator by taking to heart and working with what is truthful in what the predator says and then discarding the rest."
There has been a lot of power for me as I have begun to realize my ability to choose life. To choose to be aware of the world around me and of my own shortcomings, to find a way to grow through them rather than trying to cover them up. And of course, I still run at times from these truths about my own failures. I still find myself looking for the easiest options, the quickest solutions. But I am learning. Listening. Developing.
Near the end of this chapter (which you should all just read if you get a chance, along with the rest of the book), Dr. Estés charges the reader to pay attention. To reclaim what has been hidden away, what we have forgotten, and I will leave you with that same charge as well.
"Practice listening to your intuition, your inner voice; ask questions; be curious; see what you see; hear what you hear; and then act upon what you know to be true. These intuitive powers were given to your soul at birth. They have been covered over, perhaps by years and years of ashes and excrement. This is not the end of the world, for these can be washed away. With some chipping and scraping and practice, your perceptive powers can be brought back to their pristine state again. "
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